Ex Husband Problems

My ex husband was very abusive also. My friends and family always used to say he kept you bare foot and pregnant. Out of the 10 years I stayed with him I had my beautiful children. My oldestbid going to be 11 in August. I left almost 5 years ago and got a pfa on him. Since then we have been to court a few times. Even with the judge ordering him 5 hours per month visitation, he hasnt seen the kids in almost 4 years. This has hit my oldest the hardest and she often asks why she doesn't have a dad. I explain things to her like this.... Your dad just isn't in the right time in his life to devote time to you and be the dad you need him to be. I tell her that I understand what she's feeling and why she feels that way. But I also tell her that she has a mommy a Grammy and a pap paw who love her very much and that we are here for her through anything and we always will be.

I would never trust my ex to be alone with my kids. If you haven't already filed something with the courts then do so. In most states if nothing is filed then it means you "share" custody and nothing can be done if he picks your son up and takes him. If you are truly fearful of this man then do what ever you can to protect your son. When he is old enough to understand, you can explain it to him and he can make his own decisions. Until then you need to protect him.

I always felt bad like I was doing the wrong thing too. Until at our last custody hearing a judge himself told me it would be more hurtful to have their father in and out of their lives then it would be to be just out. And that if he wasn't taking his regular visits then stop taking them until he can be a full time father. At that time he court ordered visitation only as I agree. It is hard. And there are times when I want to call him up and just tell him how the kids are and let him talk to them. But chances are he wouldn't care. And I don't want to hurt my babies any more than he already has. Get an attorney and do something legally!

Best of luck to you!

It's nice if a GOOD/caring/engaged/loving Dad is around.
But if he's abusive/belittling/neglectful then it's better he's not around.
I think you did the right thing and it'll be better for your son if his Dad stays out of the picture till your son is an older teen (like 17 or 18 or older) - then he'll know not to imitate his father in how he relates to other people.
Consider a Big Brother program for your son if you think he needs a positive male role model.

Pretty sure that they will garnish his disability pay for child support. Military disability may be different, but regular disability is considered income and is garnished for child support. And not working doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay support, it just means that the state has nothing to garnish right now so they'll take tax returns and anything else they can get their hands on.

Anyway...you've done the best you can for your son so don't second-guess yourself. If your ex ever gets the mental health help he needs to become a stable person, and has evidence to support it, then you can consider some kind of visitation later. But while he is unstable and unwell? No.

Your son isn't the first or last kid to grow up without a dad around...it's not the greatest situation in the world, but he'll be fine. My oldest son's bio father left when I was pregnant, which was a blessing because he's an unstable mess of a person so if he had stuck around, it would have been endless conflict and drama. Sometimes no parent is better than a bad parent.

You did the right thing and made the hard choices you had to make for yourself and your son. Don't second-guess yourself, you're doing the right thing!

ADD: Do NOT start dating to find a man to be a father. That's not what it's about. If you have supportive family, be near them. If there are strong male role models in your family, have him spend time with them. As the child of a serial dating divorced mom, dating is NOT the answer. Several boyfriends were aweful. The 3rd husband was heading towards sexual predator. Take time for both of you to heal. Have friendships, social relationships, but your primary relationships right now are yourself and your child. And any man you do date eventually MUST realize that he is going to be a father if he dates you. If they aren't open to that, move on. You're a package. And don't introduce them until the relationship is strong enough that marriage is a possibility. If there's some group thing that he might be at, spend time, but don't do the early intro/break up thing. It sucks.

ORIGINAL: You need to talk to an attorney. You are not responsible for his state of mind. You are responsible for yourself and your child. Children are damaged much more by staying with an abusive parent than they are being part of a divorced home.

You may want to find a counselor for yourself. Hit the library about books for kids of divorce. No dad is better than an abusive dad.

Big Brothers may be a good organization for the future (I think it's for older kids, but it's worth looking into).

What does your divorce decree state about visitation? If it restricts dad from visiting, then you don't have to do a darn thing - the onus is on dad to file for a modification and prove he's safe to be around a child.

I, too, left an abusive marriage, which caused my child all kinds of anxiety. I've found play therapy to be really beneficial. You might look into that for your kiddo as a way to help him cope.

Go to court and get child support taken from his paychecks so that your son is taken care of. While you are there have the visitation modified to supervised visitations indicating his mental instability and lack of actually doing the visitations. Without regular visitations it's like leaving your son in the care of a stranger.

Hopefully your son has male role models in his life. Uncles, grandparents, etc. Schools sometimes have mentor programs and there's always the Big Brother/Big sister program. As long as you are there watching over him he's much better off with 1 stable parent than 1 unstable family.

That's a tough one. He sounds like he could have a toxic effect on your son.

It's sad for your son that he doesn't have a father in his life, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like this guy is going to be father material.

I support you in keeping him out of your son's life. Maybe some day you will meet a nice man. But date him for a long time before involving him in your son's life, and then make sure he's a keeper.

You ARE doing the right thing. ANYONE who has a mental disorder, has tried to commit suicide, is cold and mean and is physically abusive would NOT be able to be alone with a child - at the very most, they would have court ordered SUPERVISED visits.

Do you have a court document that says that you have sole custody? You should. If you don't, I believe that the man could go somewhere, pick your son up and take him.

Have you found out your rights from an attorney? If you haven't, you need to. You should do everything in your power to prevent this man from spending anytime alone with the child, but you should also have iron-clad legal protection that he couldn't take him.

I have never been in your situation but based on what you said, I whole heartedly think you did the right thing to leave your husband. I would not want my child to grow up in that environment. We grow up to be our parents (we are all a product of our environment) and you don't want your son to grow up and treat his wife the same. If you stayed that would be all your son would know and chances are great that he would be an abuser as well.

Your son is a little young now but when he's older, if there's no other father figure in his life, Big Brothers might be worth looking into. If you're not familiar with the program, they pair men who volunteer up with boys to be a mentor for the boy.

I wish you all the best. You are a strong woman and will continue to make the right choices for you and your son. :-)

Most state agencies will take the child support out even for disability. Plus, since he's not paying then he's getting charged around 25% or higher in unpaid child support, and let me tell you that adds up fast. Just let him know he might want to start paying because they will always take it out of his tax return. I'm really surprise that the military didn't take it out and pay you from his check.

Keep being a strong women and don't underestimate yourself. Your child needs parents that care about him, and you are the only one that does. It's not up to you what kind of parent your ex will be. I promise he will regret not being part of his child's life one day. Don't let him make you feel guilty about the decision he makes with his own life.

I believe in God and he has helped me through so many situations in my life and made me a stronger women. Just heard a sermon on that this morning. That God doesn't promise you will not have trials, but in your trials he makes your faith stronger, like pottery. It's clay, it's molded into the perfect design, put in the fire to see how strong it is, and comes out stronger and more beautiful. Remember that, you can do all things through Christ who strengthen you.

I'm praying for you and son!

Your son may need a father figure in his life, but it does NOT have to be his biological dad. If it were me? I would loose his phone number and change mine and go on with my life. I would not feel obligated to him to see his child when he has not been obligated to help take care of him. My husband has a crazy ex who has cost a fortune financially and emotionally, it so isn't worth it. JMO. Good luck!

He refuses to pay child support or help in any way????? Then forget him!! I was going to maybe suggest supervised visits (you would be there to supervise) once in a while, but if he won't be a man and pay child support, then forget everything. Why aren't you legally forcing him to pay child support? You need to!

As far as a father for your son - start dating (if you already haven't), and make sure you choose a man that is the opposite of your ex - a kind, loving, non-abusive man. That man will hopefully be your husband one day, as well as a step-father to your son. Best wishes!