Mu Daughters Ex Giving Her a Hard Time.

Well she should care about the support. She needs to have to start garnish his wages and send the support to her. She and the kids will need that.

I don't know what "things" he is asking and expecting her to do. She needs to learn to stay "no, I am not going to do that. You do it". and end the call. As for the clothes, I would suggest going to WalMart and getting some cheap clothes and sending them to dad's. They don't need to come home. They can keep them there. I would not send anything that is of value over there. Its unfortunate that Dad is behaving like this but it is what it is.

No is a very good word to use.

My former sister-in-law ran into a similar situation: when she sent the kids to their dad's, they'd come back missing most of their clothing, their school shoes, a backpack, etc.

She went to Goodwill and bought clean, serviceable clothing and shoes, which she handed to her ex in a suitcase the next time he picked the kids up. She sent no school clothing, no good shoes, no special backpacks or library books.

Most importantly, she told the kids that the suitcase contained enough clothes for dad's house, and she didn't get into it any further. She didn't tell them that their dad was irresponsible, and she didn't say things like "your lazy dad can't even bother to find your shoes". They were young, but not toddlers, and they were old enough to understand that they were to leave the suitcase clothes at dad's.

I think it's important for your daughter to get some things put into place with the court, such as child support being paid regularly. As the kids get older, there will be more expenses (braces, school trips, etc) and it seems like things between the parents need to be more organized, legally speaking.

She'll need to learn to say no. Perhaps a counselor or adviser or priest or minister can help her find the words to say to her ex when he demands things and tries to manipulate and control her. She'll need to be able to speak up, to say "no". She can even have a memorized script of sorts, like "I won't do that, and that is your responsibility". If the ex is asking for things for the kids, like field trip money, or money for clothes, she needs to tell him that she will take care of that on her time.

She should care about the support. Even if she doesn't need money, the kids will down the road. She should put any leftover money in savings accounts for later (college, 1st apartment, etc). It's not about money, it's about the father's responsibility. By showing him that she doesn't care about the support and is ok with his paying support when he feels like it, she's showing him that she doesn't really care about how she and the kids are treated. If she gets firm on the support with the courts or a lawyer, she'll show him she can't be pushed around.

It sounds like he's trying to control her. Was he that way when they were together? You say he is always asking her for things and expecting her to do it - like what? She doesn't have to do him any favors, so it's up to her to find a backbone and say no.

I don't understand why you say she "doesn't care about the support" and then you also say she "can not afford to keep buying clothes." Does she have a lot of money, or not?

She should get a child support order through the court and have his wages garnished so she's not at the mercy of his whims. His payments can be collected by the state and then His contributions can then be forwarded to her account.

The court order should also specify the visitation requirements (drop off/pick up times and locations, etc.) and what he needs to provide, such as beds, food, clothing, diapers, medicine, etc.

She's not his slave and she doesn't need to provide what she's not getting back. The children will survive if they wear the same clothes all weekend, so that's on him. He can either find and return the missing clothes, or he can do the wash when they are there. She is obligated to send along any prescriptions that she has filled and that the kids need, but that can be just the amount they need while they are with him, not the whole thing. My neighbor had her lawyer spell all that out in the court agreement, and otherwise her jerk ex-husband couldn't take the kids. He had to provide (and prove that he had) a crib for the little one and a toddler bed for the older one. He also, because of a history of harassment, had to pick the kids up and drop them off at the police station rather than come to the house. It straightened him right up because nobody pulls any nonsense in the lobby of the police station.

Your daughter needs a lawyer - so if you say that you, as the grandparent, don't need the child support, then perhaps you can help her with the lawyer fee.

I am not divorced, but my good friend is - and her ex is like this, and is wealthy - and still is like this. It's a form of manipulation and control. So I second the advice the moms below gave you.

Boundaries are crucial. It's just wrong he is doing this. Elena gave excellent advice on what your daughter can do - that's what my friend ended up doing.

Set the tone now. She has to be firm. Good life lesson for her, otherwise she will make same mistake going forward.

"He is always asking her for things and expecting her to do it." Only because she does it would he expect it. "He doesn't have much to do with the kids." Well, him and 1/2 the crappy dads out there.

Go to Goodwill (or sometimes WalMart is actually cheaper) and purchase extra sweatpants and sweatshirt/T-shirts and each kid gets one change of clothing sent with them during visits and wears the other set of Goodwill clothing when they leave. Obviously they aren't coming home naked, so at least one set is being returned. As much as I would like to say send nothing, I can see that Dad might take this out on the kids. However, one extra outfit for a weekend is enough. Obviously, not sending any school clothes or other expensive items is a good idea.

"He only pays the support when he feels like it." Ummmm, isn't there a wage order on him and his employer if he is working? Is the county involved in monitoring the child support?

she could not send the kids for overnight visits, especially since the ex a) isn't paying child support and b) you claim he doesn't want much to do with the kids anyway, so probably shouldn't be trusted with them.

she could not send extra clothes with the kids. since y'all know the ex has their clothes there, why not let them use them?

what is the 'terrible' treatment and 'hard time'? this implies far more sinister stuff than some clothes not being returned, and is probably more important to address than the clothes issue.
khairete
S.

Just send the kids over with the clothes on their back.
She needs to realize their relationship is over - and except where they need to come together to co-parent - she doesn't have to do anything for him.
She needs to set some boundaries.

She really shouldn't be sending them over there with clothes at all. HE should have clothing for them at his place. This is how it's done (at least among people I know) until the kids are tweens/teens and start to be responsible and particular about their personal items.
ETA: Elena B has excellent advice.

Tell her not to send them in their school cloths. Send them in play cloths and let him be responsible for clothing them. I agree with the others she needs to get a lawyer. She should be making him pay child support not just when he feels like it especially when he is seeing them. Do they have a custody order? Or did they just figure that out on their own? If he's not following it if there is one she needs to push it.

My ex's parents and I share my child. Whenever they send her to me in their own set of clothes, I wash the clothes and return them. They do the same for me, whenever I send her in my own clothes. If I need an outfit back urgently or fear they won't return it, at pickup time, I ask for it back, even if it is dirty, to take home to wash it myself, and they do the same. Why can't your daughter follow our procedure, to ensure her outfits don't just disappear?

she should take him back to court and have the boundaries of the visitations set by the court and put clearly into writing.. when dad fails to comply the courts should help her make it right

welcome to mamapedia!

She needs to care about the support. She needs to find a lawyer and get everything set up. Boundaries. What is expected, child support, visitation, etc.

She needs to learn to say NO and mean it. Just because she's not giving him clean clothes does NOT mean she doesn't love her children

Good luck