Mother in Law Visitation

Dear H.,
I'm in a blended family situation with 2 step sons (teenagers) and my 2-yr old. Although it isn't the same ages, I've come across the same situations. My family lives here and they always give my stepsons attention but obviously they give my son the most (plus he is younger and teenagers don't want too many adults aroung). I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is perfectly fine if you just have your step son go with his grandparents and have your son stay at home. Why? Because it takes time (some experts say an average of a few years) before the love of the blended family members to develop naturally. And that is okay. We can't expect your mother-in-law to love your son the same... but should certainly expect her and everyone to treat him the same. So, if you feel they don't, then don't send him. Keep it simple. Try to develop a good relationship between you and your mother-in-law and focus on loving the entire family. Pray that the love for everyone will grow uniquely and strongly throughout time.

Don't push it. You are newly married and you need time for things, and feelings to settle. Just sit back and try to be kind, gracious and loving. I depended greatly on God's love to be inside me at all times. I didn't always treat my step sons properly, I don't have the same patience, understanding and love for them that I do my own son... but when I spend time with God in pray every day it is a completely different day. I feel love for them, I care for them, I take take for them. It's been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't take it away for anything.

I hope the best for you and pray that you find peace in all of this. It is not easy, but it is possible to mend.

Wow, this sounds like a questions for Dr. Laura! ;) I would have a conversation with the mother in law and point out the discrepancies in her treatment of the boys, and tell her that unless she can treat them equally she will not be able to spend time alone with either one of them!

If it were me I wouldn't let him go. A few other ladies mentioned too about how active it's going to be with a bunch of kids already.. you wouldn't want him getting lost, etc. My parents go camping near lakes often and I didn't let them take both of my kids at the same time until they were about 5yo. Good luck with your decision. It's a touchy one for everyone involved. You don't want to hurt feelings... yet you don't want to risk your son's life either. Sigh. ~Hugs~

Personally, I would keep my son at home with me. The in-laws probably invited your son because they thought that it was the proper thing to do. If he was older it might not hurt to let him go, but at age 3, I would have to say no to my hubby and his parents. Right now your son is too little to defend himself and if they treated him badly at a party where you were present-how do you think they would be if you weren't around? Even if you want to avoid a confrontation, you could use some excuse that he started to run a low grade fever or something. Trust your mother's tuition.

I've been a step-child. I am 25 and have 2 small children, toddlers. The way I see it is if you are uncomfortable with letting your child go somewhere with someone else and you think he won't be well supervised, then don't let him go. If he's constantly being mistreated by the other kids, then he won't have fun anyway. And if he feels upset about not going, maybe you could plan a special day for you and him. Since you're already feeling like he won't be supervised properly, you might feel guilty for letting him go, if something should happen. As for my own personal experience as a step-child, I always felt uncomfortable at my step-family's get togethers because they never treated me like part of the family. I would count the minutes until we left. It may seem rude in the in-laws eyes if you don't let him go, but so what. The children are more important than them anyway. I hope I've helped at least a little with your dilemma.

You are not wrong at all in having these feelings! As a mother it is our duty to protect our children. God gives us warning/gut feeligs for a reason. Go with them!! Don't feel bad to be completetly honest with your husband and in-laws about your reservations. Maybe they don't see what you see and it will open thier eyes.

Good Luck with whatever you do!
A.

H.,
You have to do what your heart tells you. Those uneasy feelings are God speaking to you. Protect your son, that's your job as a mother.

God Bless,
J.

www.deliveringonthepromise.com/40420383

You are definitely not wrong for having these feelings. A mother's instincts are not to be pushed aside. If you have a real problem with it, then maybe you should sit your husband down and make him listen. If I may be so bold, it sounds as though your son is not your husband's son, but rather his step-son. This being the case I can see why your MIL might treat your son different. Though it is still not a good reason to do it. My suggestion would be to keep your son home and let your step-son go. I honestly think this would be the best solution for you.

I have been in your shoes and I know how you feel. If you have any question in your mind that they will not treat your son the same as your step-son or that he will not have proper supervision,then I,myself would keep my son home with me. That way you know for sure that you son is safe and sound and happy. By the way,I'm married and together we have 7 children and I was married previously with a step-son. Good luck.

If you don't feel comfortable with the situation, then there is a reason. Listen to your instincts. Tell your husband that you just can't do it and your "Mama" alarm is going off. He might brush off your feelings, saying everything will be fine but if you have these feelings, Take them seriously!! Don't let your baby go with people who don't care about him.

Personally if it were me, I would just limit visits totally with these relatives until the boys are older. I have had problems with relatives showing favs. It got better as the kids got older. Then it was more obvious and the kids would actually say something like, "I want ice cream too", and they could not be so easily ignored.

As for the trip I would definetly say no! I did let my two older ones go with gp to a theme park where there might be issues to some degree, but no lakes. Lakes are very dangerous and too many people drown each year due to silly issues that could have been avoided. People are not as careful, you cannot see in the water (drowners), life jackets are not worn in boats, etc.

Oh the other thing. I often went on outings so I could specifically watch my kid. I just made it a point to go and know that I was going to spend my time sitting on the sidelines watching him and making sure he was okay.

If my dh gave me a hard time I would just sweetly say that my child's safety is more important to me than anything right now because he is so little. Someday he will be older and we will have more time to do things we want to do.

It is our job as parents to watch over our kids--anyone that says different probably also has the kids that end up in ER!

Hang in there!
ts

Hi H.~
Your situation is a hard one, because these people are going to be your family now and developing strong bonds with them is important even in the longevity with your husband. BUT having said that, I dont think I would allow my son to go over there without me. It sounds like he doesnt get treated fairly, and its just, at its most fundamental, UN-FUN to be at a place where you are not genuinely wanted. I think your son comes first... over anyone else's hurt feelings. If push comes to shove talk about your observations with your mother in law. I know that when talking about our children being treated badly it is very easy to get heated.. if at all possible I would explain my feelings in the most non judgemental of ways.. maybe say as a mother herself, surely she could empathize with your feelings. Then again, its hard to be faced with our own short comings.. she may just deny it. Lots and lots of luck with this one.
A.- mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (6)

I think that you have all the right to be concerned for your son's safety and well being. After all, he is only 3. Your Step son is very young as well, being that he is only two. What I think is if your Mother in law really wants to see him, why does she not make arrangements with your step son's mom? Why don't you ask her that and let her know that the weekends he is there to stay with you and your husband and son is the weekend for him to spend time with you all. Letting your mother in law know in a tactful but firm way about how you feel is also a great idea. If you do not say something there is no guarantee that this will cease. I hope this was helpful to you. Good Luck!

I know exactly how you feel. I have a 6 year old son and a 7 year old step-son. My father-in-law and his wife will ask for us to come over and bring the kids only when we have my step-son with us. Then when we get there they will tell my son hello but sit and talk to my step-son and visit with him more. Even the family will give my step-son hugs but not my son. They ask if my step-son and son can stay the night but that is only when we have my step-son. So I know how you feel. But if my kids were as young as yours are then I wouldn't let them go for a weekend without you are your husband. Expecially if you don't feel comfortable with them going. You don't need to be worried the entire weekend that they are gone. So just go with your gut.

Well, my personal opinion is don't let him go. You have to follow your intuition. And your husband probably won't understand. but if I had to guess, and I do, it sounds as if they are only asking for him to go as well because they don't want to cause any trouble by not inviting him. But it is okay for you to decline for them to take him and just let your step-son go. I understand how you feel and if it were my children, I wouldn't let mine go.

Good luck, just follow your heart!

H.,

Stick to your guns--you are not being unreasonable at all! I would not feel comfortable sending my 2 and 3 year old on a trip to the lake with anyone else, regardless of all the other factors you mentioned. They are just too young not to be individually supervised on an outing like that. And if there are going to be a lot of other children, that makes it even more dangerous because there will inevitably be a lot going on at all times and it only takes a moment for a child that young to get into trouble.

Is it possible for you and your hubby to go along on the trip? If not, I would not let them go.

Best wishes to you in resolving this situation...

As a fellow mom, I think you should pay attention to your gut. If you are uneasy, I would trust yourself and keep your child at home- ESPECIALLY since he'll be near water. Kids can drown so fast, and if you aren't completely confident that he will be looked after, I wouldn't chance it. I would be afraid to leave my child with people who would neglect him-- there's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling.

No you are not wrong feel having these feelings. I wouldn't let him go. I have three children. I have a 8y/o boy and two girls 2 and 3. When my MIL ask the children to stay the weekend she knows (it's understood) that the girls will go but not my son. Why b/c I say so, I too don't feel comfortable leaving him with them w/out me there. Not for fear they will do anything to him but b/c he's not comfortable w/them. Also they have large inside dogs and cats and my son is terrified of them. They (MIL FIL AND SIL) think he should get over it and always question why he is scared of the "pets". I tell them you have to respact him and his feels. Anyways that's what I would do- not let him go. If your husband questions it let him know it's not them it's you. You are not comfortable leaving YOUR SON with them.
Can you and your husband go too? Make plans for that weekend (buy tickets to something)and tell them you have plans... sorry.
I think maybe they give the step-son more attention b/c he is younger and newer to them. Does that make sense?
Hope it helps you aren't the only one who doesn't want to leave their oldest.
Leti

Us moms are given instincts for a reason. I think you should trust your instinct. If it were me I would not let the child go. I don't know about other moms, but I would not feel comfortable sending my 3 year old to vacation at the lake regardless of all these other things you mentioned. You just have to be strong and assert yourself. Don't let your in-laws push you around. Your husband SHOULD hear you out and be able to have an adult conversation about your concerns. Mother's instincts are rarely ever wrong though! If you have a bad feeling - just tell them he is not going, period. If they try to take him anyway that is kidnapping. :)

You should ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. When it talks LISTEN....if you feel they will be meant to him and not watch him DO NOT let him go. My mother-in-law is like that with my kids (and they belong to her). I do not let them go with her because I have that same uneasy feeling. My children are older now and tell me mean things she did to them when I ignored it so I know now that I should have listened to myself. If something were to happen you would never fogive yourself...a mother has instincts for a REASON!!! Use them!!