Mother-in-law Issues - Rochester,MN

I agree with Janet. He does need to choose, and it can be done nicely but firmly. If she doesn't get it, a period of non-communication (a few months) may shock her into letting go. I know I had to do this with some family memebers and at the end of a couple of months of absolutely no communication it was amazing the difference in attitude.

Good luck.

i would just like to pose the question: why exactly does your MIL have to know all your personal business? i think the less she knows perhaps the less she will have to comment on.

she is obviously SO totally bored with her own life. Also, it seems obvious to me that she feels totally unimportant in her son's life & has felt that way for a long time now. Maybe one thing you could do is think of things you need advice from her about. (This might be difficult when you're feeling angry.) Channel all the unwarranted energy of hers into something productive.

Suggestions & ideas: “Hey (ma-in-law), Kaia could really use a winter blankie, if I buy the yarn will you crochet it?” “Caleb could use some help with his book report, would you like to read the book & let him practice report to you?” “Have you seen Isabella’s new steps? What kind of shoes did you like to buy your one year old(s) back in the 1960’s?”

Maybe take her to tea (she can’t complain too much on the cost of tea) and discuss a common book or TV show that you both enjoy.

It just sounds to me like your mother-in-law is trying to be helpful. She thinks she is right about everything and most likely won’t change. Ever. Proving her wrong or cutting her off from the family will only make things worse for everyone involved.

I know this sounds terribly crazy, but I think you should try to be her friend. Sounds like she needs one, and if she thinks you’re on her side, she may not antagonize you nearly as much in the years to come.

I have a mother in law, too and that is no dream vacation! We work on our relationship every day. I’m totally vague with her about my daily activities and finances. I have to be for sanity sake. I have really tried to not complain too much to my husband about my personal problems with his mother. But, sometimes, he & i have a royal scapegoat-fest about her. It kind of brings us closer together (for a second)& lets us forget our interpersonal problems for a few minutes. I wouldn’t recommend this. We’re trying to get away from that behavior… it only instigates more hostility.

I won’t keep going on. I’m sure many of us could write volumes on this topic!

Good luck! May the force be with you! ;)

J.,

I would appreciate every day you get to spend and talk and know first hand about your mother-in-law. Since, my mother-in-law has passed away and I never got a chance to meet her. Right now I would love to have had a chance to spend with her and know what kind of a person she is. I just have to tell you to enjoy the time you get to spend with her, cause you never know when life comes to an end. I really think you just need to tell her to back off and if we have any questions that we need any answers or advice I will ask her then. Enjoy the time you get to spend with her because nothing lasts forever. I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your husband can remain stronger through your hard times. Take care,

C.

J., I mean this in the most kind way possible....
Your DH ABSOLUTELY DOES need to make a decision between his wife and mother. When you got married, it was to put you first, and you him first. That being said, this does not mean that there has to be a complete cut off or anything like that with his mom. But, she has to respect that her son is no longer under her jurisdiction. It sounds like a sit down talk about how this is making you feel as a couple, could do some good. Define some boundaries....like "cooperative support before advice in private." She needs to know that she needs to use her mouth and heart positively, investing in the family, not tearing it apart.
However, you are responsible for your children's upbringing, and if you feel that she may do opposite things just to have her way, that would hurt or teach wrong things to the children, then you will have to decide to limit times between them and her. Make them supervised for sure. Do NOT expect that she will change. You may just have to MANAGE what she gives you, and let her decide if she wants to be a part of your family given the boundaries. If she loves her son and grandkids, and you as much as I bet she does, she'll make her own efforts. But, again, that's in her ballcourt. While there are many reasons why people do what they do, (and we may be even able to sympathize with whatever those reasons are), this is not acceptable behavior for you.
I can understand your frustration. How old is this MIL?
With my MIL, we have to be very upfront about what we are deciding to do as a family. We just repeat what the plan is, and she just has to accept or not. And my DH has to be the one to voice it, as then she get's the picture that we are UNITED on the subject. I wish you tons of luck and I hope that you throw out what advice you don't think applies or works, and get some that you find helpful. :)
J.

This is a bit of advice and a whole lot of sympathy. I have a crazy MIL who has spent the better part of her life living in complete and utter delusion. She's manipulative, nasty, gossipy, and a obsessive compulsive liar who denies it all! We once had to live with her and FIL for four months and during that time, she went through our stuff when we weren't home, eavesdropped regularly at our bedroom door, got visibly upset when I went near her kitchen, watched me like a hawk every where I went in her house and scrutinized absolutely everything I did with my daughter. Then she decided I wasn't being a good enough mom so she tried to take over by feeding her, changing diapers, and I even caught her telling MY daughter that she was her mom, not me. That's right, she told my precious girl who was 1 and a half at the time that I wasn't her mom.

I tried communicating with her about all of it and she broke down crying claiming that she had turned her life upside down for us and she couldn't possibly give any more of herself to make us happy, blah, blah, blah. She basically played a very large violin for herself and denied any specific behaviors I brought up. Then to add frosting to the cake, she turned around later and told anyone who would listen that I said a bunch of mean stuff to her and made horrible demands. Yeah like, "stop referring to yourself as mom to my daughter".

So what was my husband doing this whole time? He was whispering in my ear begging me not to confront her, begging me not to say anything to upset her. He was like a scared little puppy and was more than willing to let me take the full brunt of his mother's insanity to save his own butt. I started going crazy myself and was deeply, deeply wounded by my husbands betrayal. I call it betrayal because he should have stood up for me and made his mom back off, but he and even his own dad let me be her emotional punching bag and target for all her hateful issues.

So one day I convinced my husband that we needed to leave so we just picked up and moved out, and out of town. That's when the crazy MIL went absolutely berserk and accused us of being in a cult, saying her son was P-whipped, took my husband out of her and FIL's will, and said they were going to hire a private investigator to make sure nothing happened to her "daughter".

That was four years ago. Since then we've moved a couple of times and we haven't given them our address or phone number. Also my husband finally grew a pair and set some ground rules so that our child could know her grandparents. The rules being that they can't say anything bad about me in front of her, and they refer to themselves as "grandma & grandpa" to her. This seems to work because my daughter is five and a half now and has no problem telling me if something weird or unusual was said. She sees them now about once a month for a few hours.

They haven't seen me or spoken to me in 4 years and it's been wonderful.

So that's my advice to you, separate yourself and your family from your MIL as much as you can. Don't rely on her for anything, babysitting, etc. Don't ask for anything, get caller ID so you don't have to answer when she calls. Make your husband communicate with her when absolutely necessary.

I have to say that I am lucky in the MIL department. I don't have one, never have. My MIL passed away years before I even met my hub. BUT my mother speaks of times that her MIL was a PIA to her and she came up with this solution; Any time that her MIL wouild make a lude, rude, or out of line remark my mother would simply state to her either "Why would you even say something like that Mom? ORRRR (if regards to her speaking about how to run the house or children) "I know you think you know best Mom, but your son and I have a different opinion on that" and then she would simply turn her back or walk away. Sounds easier said than done to me, but I guess hwen you get to a certain point where you feel you're going to BLOW like Hiroshima then it's best to come up with some quip line.

As far as not wanting to make your hubby choose between wife or mother. In my opinion he's already made his choice. A man leaves his mother and his boyhood to marry and create a new family. He has already chosen you. Now he just has to face the wrath of mother and speak up!

No matter what her nose is doing in your business or what her view point is on your cat, she needs to be quieted. Watch the movie Throw Mama From The Train... HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!! Good Luck!

While I don't have a mother-in-law quite like that, I do have one that feels like she could do a better job than my husband and I. If my children get hurt, she says that those things wouldn't happen "on her watch". But the funny thing is, when she's watching them, she can only handle them for a couple of hours before she needs a nap.
The bigger concern I have for your MIL, is that she seems to be not completely well. I don't know much about the situation (nor am I trained in any mental health field) but her responses seem socially inept and totally egocentric at best.
As for dealing with the situation, short of cutting her out of your life--or seeing if she needs professional help--try to see her as the "crazy mother-in-law. That way if she's saying you're doing something wrong, you can take it with a grain of salt, and a hearty laugh. I'm sorry for your unfortunate situation, but good luck.

Lot's of responses on this one! I would recommend that you remember this woman dedicated her life to raising your husband and they do have a bond so please be sensitive to that. My brother who is now divorced pointed this out to me when I would complain about my MIL. Now I have less contact and make less comments to my sweet husband and we are so much happier than when I voiced my opionions. Just something to think about. One more thing to think about...do you have sons? and what would you do differently in your relationship with their wives of the future.

I didn't have the time to read all the responses so I'm sure I'm repeating things already said. I have a overbearing mother-in-law as well. Fortunately, she lives in another state so it is a bit easier to handle but she lives near my husbands brother and family. We (my husband and I) have set boundries with her and now have a great relationship with her. My brother-in-law and his family have not and she is ruining their lives. His wife is so unhappy and my BIL doesn't seem to get that he needs to be the one to tell his mom what is appropriate and what isn't. It took my husband a few years to realize that he needed to be the one to tell his mother that when she is by us there are certain boundries, rules, etc she NEEDS to follow. It took her a LONG time to get it but we just kept at it. We were never mean to her, just everytime she stepped over the line we explained our position and moved on. She eventually figured it out and honestly I think it is a big relief to her as well. My BIL and his family use her for her money and put up w/her shenanigans because of that. She is bi-polar as well. I think it is a relief to her to come to our house and just relax and be herself. She is a wonderful grandmother and I would have hated to miss the relationship we have because I didn't do anything. The biggest thing is your husband does need to be on board and really should be the one to talk to her...but if he won't do it then you need to sit down with her and be honest with your thought and feelings. it isn't healthy for anyone to keep up with this relationship as it is currently. Tell her you want her in your life and in the life of your children but that it is up to her to change. Also, remember it may take time for her to do it. but for the sake of your husband and your children, it is well worth it. i used ot dread my MIL's visits...now I look forward to them.

If at all possible...move! My husband and I moved about an 8 hour drive from our families. It's close enough that they can come visit a few times a year, but far enough that doing so requires a bit of planning. It was the best thing we ever did. My MIL wasn't the problem, it was my mom. She still views anything I do as a direct reflection of her parenting and tries to correct it even though I'm 36. I finally figured out I'll never be thin enough, my house will never be clean enough, my kids will never be smart enough to suit her tastes. There is no way I would subject myself to that sort of negativity on a daily basis. Distancing myself and my family from her is the only way we can continue to have a relationship.

It certainly is harder doing it on our own. I've had to forge good friendships with women in my neighborhood and we help each other out with childcare. But what we've gained from doing it far exceeds what we lost.

I sympathize with your situation. However, it does seem like you have allowed her to "be in the know". Perhaps you shouldn't ask her to babysit for you. When she calls, be vague and try not to offer too much information. She does not need to know about your cat or your car expenses. I have read other responses and many have suggested that you confront her. I think that sounds like a good idea, but I am not confrontational myself. Instead, in my own situation, I simply stopped calling my MIL and I frequently do not pick up her calls. You MIL doesn't sound like a positive influence for you or your kids. If your husband wants to talk to her and tell her about personal issues (financial or otherwise) then he can. You do not need to be on the receiving end of her commentary. Wow - I just read what I have written and it sounds a little preachy! That is not my intent - I think I am just telling you what I have to tell mysef about my MIL!! Good Luck!

I once heard some advice on a similar situation from a couples therapist. It's really important that who ever you are having trouble with meaning his mother or your mother it should be the child of the person to talk to them. If you are having trouble with his mother then it should be him that talks to him. You should not have to talk to her in that matter, just as you should not expect him to talk to your mother if there was something bothering him. The mother will more than likely take things more seriously from him instead of you. So you really need to get your husband to find the courage to be very serious with her and tell her that she needs to respect his and your decisions about the way you are raising your family. That she is there as a support and to love their family without passing judgment as long as you are not causing harm to your children then she has nothing to do with what is going on. She can certainly give suggestions but that is all they are. If she does not want to watch the kids so you can go out then fine you will find someone who will. But seriously have him say that to her, if you say it then she will probably just resent you thinking that you are the one being overbearing. Good luck.

Oh J., I do feel your pain. Same thing here, but imagine adding four sister in laws to this situation. The mother in law with the sister in laws all had thier opinion on our lives --- constantly. After a few years, and many bad feelings between me and my husband, I came to a huge realization. "I didn't marry them -- I married HIM." It was my responsibility to have a good life with him, and my kids. If I got along with them, all the better; but if not, oh well. I made it my policy that he would deal with his family issues, and I would deal with my side of the family. I kept it all cordial, and civil. But nothing more than that. It did give me some peace for many years. The sister in laws came to a better understanding when they started having kids, and knew first hand what we were going through -- that day to day parenting. I do suppose it always looks easier than it actually is.

Don't let this cause a rift between you and your husband. He is helpless to control the actions of any one else - and that does include his own mother. She certainly will not change at this point in her life. Move forward with your husband and your kids, create those happy memories and good times. Let him deal with his mother -- and you deal with yours. This is thier family politics and considered to be familiar ground to him. When she calls, be nice, and relay the messages, and get back to being his wife, and friend, and the mother of his kids. Support him and I hope you see that he is stuck in a very bad situation. I feel a bit bad for the man.

Good luck, J., and have a good day...

How annoying! First of all, you must be very sweet to seek "wisdom" regarding how best to handle this situation ilo lashing out at your husband for "being responsible for her presence in your life" and/or directly at MIL herself.

I don't mean to be trite here or minimize your legitimate dilema, however I've personally found one beneficial way to deal with these sorts of things eating away at me is by "lightening up" a bit in response. What I mean is that (using "clueless" innocent sweetness and/or joking around good humor) you may actually be able to respond directly to your MIL with how you really feel (almost) if you correctly tweak/manipulate your comeback.

For example, in response to her albeit meddling, paranoia comments...perhaps say something like...

"Oh Mom, I know you tend to show your deep love for us by worrying, but we must insist that you stop! You see, it's just not good for you to put all this mental and physical stress that comes with your worrying upon your body and mind. We want you to be around for a good, long time. And all the excessive, terrible anxiety that comes with trying to make everything right for us is just not good for you!"

and/or...

"You are so cute! You're like this precious mama bird, fluttering from one location to another in attempts to find the greatest amount of worms to fill her little one's tummies! But, you know what? You don't need to worry so much anymore, we are going to be just fine, besides...I already have a mama bird of mind own to deal with! (insert huge, loving laugh here) And I suppose it would be pretty good for us to "learn from our own mistakes" sometimes too. If we don't, however are we going to be able to be the wise grandparent that you are someday to grandchildren of our own?!"
(Requires lots of smiles, chuckles, etc. from you while replying. = )

Just my thoughts, obviously this would work much better if responses were put in your own words.

Good Luck and Very Best Wishes!

OMG! I feel for you. I don't even know if I can offer any advice but to maybe cut back on the time you and your family spend with her. Start putting your foot down! If she says she won't watch the kids because she thinks you and your husband don't need to spend the money on a movie, tell her that's none of her business and stop asking her to babysit. And she may need to be firmly reminded that YOU are the parent. If she doesn't do things your way as far as the kids are concerned, then don't let the kids be with her unless you're there. If she asks why, tell her!

As far as making him "choose" between you and his mother, there is no choice! He choose you when he married you. He needs to get with the program and tell her how out of line she is, and if her behavior doesn't stop then contact with her will (doesn't he watch Dr. Phil?! LOL)

Asking your husband to choose between you and his mother is a difficult thing to do, but that is exactly the choice he needs to make. Bibically when a man and woman are married a man is commanded to "leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife." This means he makes his wife his #1 priority always doing what is best for his mate and his children. This is a very difficult situation to be a part of, but if your husband truly realizes the strife it is putting on your marriage hopefully he will put his fear of confrontation aside and do what is best for his family.
God bless you in this daunting task. Stay strong.

I am sure that this is very hard for you and your husband. She sounds like a real treat! So sorry. Honestly, I would have a private one on one conversation with her and tell her your true feelings on how this is really affecting your marriage. If she really cares for her son as much as she claims she will agree to back off. Tell her that you have decided not to listen to this negative behavior anymore and she has the choice to either be more positive or see less and less of you and the kids. Tell her that this is the final straw and that you would love to have a "healthy" relationship with her, but until she can learn to be more positive that you will not put yourself in the situation for her to degrade your parenting style. It is not right and now that you are a parent you need to surround yourself and your kids around positive role models. I would also tell her that the christmas presents were really uncalled for and that yes they are practical, but very insulting at the same time. How would she feel if you purchased a personal item for her like that for a gift. What is the message there?? Good luck and let us know us it goes!! You can do this~ and should!!

If your husband won't talk to her you should. I think we had the same mother-in-law. My husband wouldn't talk to his mother so I had to. She needs to know you and your husband are married and have children and your raising them not her. Tell her that her comments are going starting to effect your marriage and maybe the time she spends with your kids.

Oh my. She sounds JUST like my sister's mother in law! (If I hadn't looked at your name and your kid's names, I would have thought you WERE my sister!) My sister has struggled with these exact issues her entire marriage...it has caused problems for her and her husband, who seems to have the same attitude about it all as your husband. They rely on his mother for part time child care, so my sister has to grin and bear it a lot of the time, even though she is miserable. My sister has tried talking to her, but it doesn't help. I guess I don't really have any advice...sorry :( I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one with a terrible mother in law!

I have similar problems with mine but not nearly so extreme. I have to say that, if she were to do things like that, I would take immediate action.

If your husband isn't going to do anything about it, then I guess it's up to you. First, I would find topics that you and your husband strongly agree on (and that your MIL goes against). Have a talk with her (it will be hard, but things will be better after she accepts it!) and point those things out. Make sure that she knows that you and your husband BOTH uphold those beliefs, and then tell her that if she continues to do those things while watching your children that she will NOT have the opportunity to be alone with them.

I would also just tell her that if she continues to be unpleasant that you just won't want to be around her. I know that it seems a bit extreme and you're probably scared of somehow getting on her bad side. But the way I look at it is that you have to also be concerned about how she's affecting you and your relationship with your husband, too. I would also be concerned about the example that she's setting for your children with her sort of "I'm better than YOU" attitude.

I wish you luck.

Let it go. Smile, say thank you, and live your lives. Just because she offers the advice doesn't mean you have to take it. You and your husband rule your own house. It might just be her personality that she needs to "care" for everyone. When she has the kids, let her be grandma knows best for them. If she thinks they need to eat brussle sprouts and liver, well, let her feed them that after all, grandma knows best in her house. In your house, your family rules have to reign. Make it clear to your children that we love grandma and she's lived a long time and has seen a lot of the world and is just trying to help. BUT mom and dad are the boss. She's not going to harm the kids. Make it clear with the little ones if there are specific safety / allergies and if she can't follow safety rules with them then she can't watch them. The 6 year old should be able to speak for himself in regards to that. She's probably doing it out of love and needs to feel needed in some way. Give her something to care for.

I would have to agree with the others. Either your husband should talk to her,or you can ignore it.

I also think like one mom said don't give so much info. With us it's my family. I have just learned not to let them know all the details of our lives, unless I do want to hear their advice.

GL:)

I know exactly how you feel. I have a monster-in-law myself. My hubbys mom likes to put in her 2 cents on EVERYTHING. Even when me and my husband decided not to start potty training our daughter until after she turned 2, she would still take her and have her sit on the potty every chance she got before me and my hubby thought our little one was ready. She would also call my mother behind my back and tell her I wasn't spending any time with the kids, just because she thought I should be a stay at home mom and she resented to working. This not only irritated me and my hubby but angered my mother because we all knew she wasn't telling the truth. We finally had to sit her down and talk to her as a couple. My husband also has a problem with comfrontation. We had to let her know that while we do value her input she needsto respect that they are our children and what we decide stands. She raised her children and now it's our time to raise ours. We do ask her for advice every once in awhile just so she doesn't feel like she's not needed. You should deffinately set some kind of boundaries and let her know she needs to butt out (but in a nice way). Hope this helps.

C.

Your husband is married to you and you are marriedf to him not his mother. I saw once in a dear abby letter the same sort of story and she replied that they need to talk to the mother and tell her its your life, not hers. If you live in the same town or near her I would suggest moving? She sounds like a control freak and I feel sorry for you.

Oh my god!! I have the same problem with my mother-in-law!! She just figured she was moving in with us, even though I told her I didn't need her anymore, she still was going behind our backs and making all the preparations!! Okay, here is how I handled the problem with my MIL, I had my husband "strap on a pair of balls" and be straight with her. Tell her you are both adults, this is your life, your family, she has no say whatsoever in your lives, and if she doesn't back off she'll be cut off! You need to protect your children as well as yourselves!! Especially if there is chance its destroying your marriage!!! And if she doesn't do as you've asked, then cut her out of your life for a couple of years. Seriously. It'll work. When you start to allow her back into your life, little by little, she feel like she has to walk on glass around you, but that's okay! She needs to know her place and if this is how it needs to be to get through to her, then so be it. If it doesn't work, and she returns to her old ways, then cut her out of your lives completely. We've had to do that with my husbands father. My husband just put his foot down with his mother and told her, "Enough! You're NOT moving in, my wife is in a critical state and we don't need your constant negativity around us. I don't need you thinking you can do one thing when you've been told another and I especially do not need you taking over my house! It's my house, my family, my decision! Period. This is not negotiable!" And he simply walked away without allowing her to have any rebuttle. She's only allowed to call him on his phone now, so save me from her attacks-because she knows if he's not around, she thinks she has free rein to fully attack me, and she's only allowed to see our children if he is home. I know this sounds harsh, but when someone tries to take full charge of your life, you need to be firm and put your foot down! People, especially in-laws, have a place, and sometimes these people need to be reminded where that place is! Good luck. I hope I've helped a little in sharing with you about my experience.

A little bit about me: I'm 29, a mother of 2, my boy-3yrs old and my girl-2yrs old. Been married for 2 yrs, but been together for 5 yrs. Recently diagnosed with intestinal cancer.

Actually it is kind of nice to hear that others have this problem too. Misery loves company? Not seriously of course. :)

For me it is MY mother. After years of trying to make it work, it all came to a head because I "wouldn't" read this book that she wanted me to read. Now serious when you have little ones in the house and are caring for other little ones...who has time to read!!!!??? Ok....deep breath. :)
My parents stormed out, said they didn't want anything to do with us, blah, blah... At first it really hurt because I had been raised with this my whole life and it seemed very normal to me. But honestly the last 6 years without seeing them them has been such a blessing for my family. We are whole and healthy and not worried about pleasing grandma. I still love my mom, and I wish it could be different, but it is what it is. So it is possible to step away from the situation and not feel like you are a terrible child and get the guilt feeling. It is really a control issue I think so the more we gave it to it the bigger it grew. So I had to face that by letting it continue for years, I was actually feeding the behavior.
Hearing the 2 year break others were talking about and then slowly being in touch gives me hope that it can still work out someday.....we'll see. If not, I am still content with my own family and am positive this needed to happen.

Move! I am not kidding! This is a toxic situation that will not be resolved. Your mother -in-law will not accept anything short of your conforming to her every demand. My motherIL was much the same, but we lived far away from her. This is the only thing that made her bearable. Your husband also needs to wean himself away from her. Moving would be a good way. think about it.

I also have a mother-in-law just like that. I was lucky though, and my husband and I cut off communication with her for the last 2 years because she was doing things to hurt us and my husband's other children. I told her at the time that I would need to take a break from her for my own protection. I would obsess about what I did wrong for days, losing sleep and overeating to try to deal with her hurtful comments.

Over the last two years, I've been able to forgive her for a couple of reasons. .

1) I was expecting more of her than she is capable of giving. She is a horrible, spiteful, gossip and loves to take even a simple comment and turn it into a horrible insult (Hi! How are you doing? (me) --- (her) Why is she asking how I am, does she think I'm an invalid? If she cares so much why doesn't she come over and help me more?--- You see my point. My husband and I now realize she is who she is, and we look forward to what craziness will come out of her mouth. Since we have changed it into a game, it's been a bit easier.

2) I have to pretend she is a bit touched in the head and start treating her like she's "special". I react to her in a much healthier way.

I had confronted her and my father-in-law 2 years ago (I HATE confrontation and it was very difficult for me), but nothing came of that except that WE are the evil ones and they are faultless. I have gained strength over the last 2 years, and now will not put up with anything insulting. I can tell her when she says something inappropriate that she is out of line, and when she is ready to speak to me respectfully, she can call back, because I have to go. Then I hang up. She usually calls back a little later and apologizes. I accept and we move on to another subject quickly.

My own mother is another story for another day....

Good luck, know that you ARE a good person, and she is who she is. You can either let her have power over you, or brush off her comments as someone who's a bit touched. I personally feel like pity for someone is much easier to deal with than hatred.

I would take her aside and say "Hey, we realize that you have legitimate concerns, but we are adults here and what we spend our money on and when is not really your business." As for not taking the kids so you can go out on a date, find a friend who will take the kids or hire another sitter. Explain to her that just because she doesnt agree with your desisions doesnt give her any control over your lives. Tell her to cut the cord already!

Wow, I guess I would check my caller id and if it were her, I wouldn't answer, let your husband deal with her.

I know that some people have advised you to move, and it sounds like a flip answer, but it really isn't. In our extended family, the toxic one is my mom. I love her, but I value my marriage more, and we both grew tired of her trying to run our lives and not hearing us when we told her we were adults with our own lives, decisions, and boundaries. My husband and I live across the country from her now, which means that visits are infrequent and entirely within our control, not hers. She tends to behave much better than she used to when she saw us more often.

Oh my, I am sooo SORRY! That is horrible that you have to deal with such a woman. I have a similar issue- except it is with my father-in-law. He actually just freaked on me and said I was way too protective and because I laid my son down for a nap (who was Overly tired) and cried..said I treated him like an animal and left my house very mad. Anyway, I have been praying to resolve this issue and try not to get mad about it. YES, this is not easy. I would suggest that you just ignore these rude comments and be the bigger person. If she says something that really gets you- confront her in a mature and positive way and explain that you would appreciate a little bit of respect and you can deal without the advice. There are ways to say what you want without being insulting. It takes patience and a lot of thought. I wish you all the luck and I hope you can get the wisdom you need to deal with this situation. Maybe her mom was like that to her..and she doesn't know any better. Show her the way! (:

Hi J.,
I'm a Mother in Law. I have 2 Daughter in Law's. But I'm nothing like your Mother in Law. I'm here when they need me. I have a few question to ask you. Is your husband the only child? Has she had him longer then she should had. Some mother's just don't know how to let go. Your husband is the only one that can stop this. It may hurt your Mother in Law, but she will get over it.
From: L.

My mother-in-law is along the same line. Although I do have to admit not as bad. What I recommend is a confrantation, which will be the hardest thing you will ever do. Once you have told her and if you have to give her an ultimatum, that you will not come around or allow the kids to be with her alone, unless she does it your way as she already had her chance to raise her kids and now it is your chance to raise yours and if something happens then it will be upon your head and not hers.
Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

I would suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Let her know that these are your children and you will be raising them with your own parenting styles. Also let her know that she needs to follow your rules with the children or she will not be allowed to be alone with them anymore. You can tell her that although you may appreciate her advice when you ask for it, you don't need an opinion/advice on everything you do. Let her know you want to have a good relationship with her, but if she continues to badger and hover over you, the relationship will be destroyed. Make sure your husband will back you up and not give in to his mother. You can do all the talking, but he has to back up what you say. Good luck. I know mother-in-laws can be a real pain and husbands can too when it involves their mommy!

This is going to sound harsh.....but....you and your husband have YOUR life to live. Your husband needs to remind his mother that he is an adult now. She may not agree with everything you do, but you are adults. There is no easy or gentle way to handle it. You can be gentle...but I get the impression she won't take it that way. So, he needs to talk to her. Lay it all out on the table, be calm but firm on your (yours as a married couple) point of view, and what you expect.

Also, since she may not take it well, there may need to be a cool down time. Let her decide if she would like to be INVOLVED in your lives, or IN CHARGE of your lives. If it's the in charge choice, then I would stop answering phone calls, and distance yourselves from her. Don't visit as much, don't call her to babysit....Sounds harsh! I know.....BUT, I had a similar situation and I had to have the awful sit down after a 2 month "avoidance" and explain that I needed some space to be a mom and a wife etc. I had to figure things out for myself, as a couple and a family, because it was after all.....OUR family....not their family.

You can't reason with everyone, it just isn't possible. But, you can choose who you let affect your moods, affect your family, etc. It's so hard when it's a close family member that won't "see the light". But when you get married, it's YOUR family. There is a huge difference between advice and domination. Also, it sounds harsh, (again....sorry!) but your husband is married to you and needs to let his mom know that you are the most important thing in his life. Your opinion matters more and your decisions as a couple will rule your lives, not hers. Good luck.....

I'm sorry for your issues. My Mother-in-law is similar in that she likes to say my husband and I aren't doing the right things for our son. My husband, like yours is not good at confrontation and won't stick up for us. It has caused a lot of grief in our marriage. I finally told my husband that he had to stick up for us or I would do it and it wouldn't be nice. He actually is taking baby steps to stand up to his parents and eventhough it hasn't cured everything my mother-in-law is getting a little better. I have found that since my husband has tried hard with standing up for us, I let some of the low blows she sends our way go.

J., this woman is doing EVIL, not realizing how she destroys instead of helping to create.
This is a very hard battle for you.
Are there any good counselors, psychologists around to consult?
I do not know the clue, but it will take a lot of your strength, love, courage, warrior-qualities and most loving mom-wife approaches, to get things working right.
Do not give the field away to her, no.
Can you not relocate about a 1000 miles away from her?
Just a thought.

Now, to be inspired, it seems to me, you need to attentively watch THE MONSTER IN LAW (2005) where Jane Fonda is a MIL, and Jeniffer Lopez holds the role you are put in:
http://www.newline.com/properties/monsterinlaw.html
please go get it and watch it ATTENTIVELY, paying attention to the big line of events, and little miniscule details!!!
I believe it'd be useful for Your husband to watch this movie and ponder.

Also, talk to a GOOD GOOD WISE GOOD psychologist, J.!
All the best, and be strong!!!

Youe husband needs to man up and talk to her. He then needs to set boundaries, that are for EVERYONE. If someone crosses those, mommmy or not, there needs to be some sort of punishment type thing. You need to not include her anymore in the personal aspects of your life. Your money is your business, however, say if you were borrowing from her, owed her money, then maybe it is a little bit of her business.
You need to limit the role she plays in your lives. If she is like this, then she will be very limited to what is going on in your lives.
Turn your ringers off for a while. Limit visits.
She means well, but since no one has ever stood up to her, she keeps this up. That is where your husband, in a kind of loving way, can talk to her about this. If it goes on much longer, your marriage will pay, trust me.
Mine is little different situation, but my marriage has been rocky at times because of mother in law, and her mouth. I have two sis in laws too, which isn't good!
Anyway, good luck, if you need to vent, I am here for you!

Oh my. Sounds like your husband must be my brother. I wish my issue were so simple as a mother inlaw. I can ignore her. But my own mother is like this. She is hurtful and mean- mostly to me more so than others. I remember her coming to visit me when I was married- my clothes were old, my carpet wasn't right, my dishes weren't right, the location of my home was wrong, my job was wrong, my hair was wrong, my husband and child were wrong. The only thing she liked about anything in my life was my church and they certainly weren't doing their part to help me in my struggle of life- and they should do for me. SO I COMPLETELY understand dealing with someone like this. I don't like to take my son to her( and he is 7) because she is mean and threatens him-"if you don't straighten up, we will take you and leave you at Boys Town" And yes he can be trying at times- but certainly not THAT difficult- and certainly doesn't deserve being bullied or threatend. ( and it doesn't change his immediate behavior) So, unless I absolutely have to- my mom doesn't baby sit. You have to accept that grandparents- for the most part- are all going to do things their way while your kids are with them- whether it's letting them eat ice cream for breakfast- or whatever. Just know that she isn't going to do anything that is going to harm your child. I tell my mom, sister, brother- whomever- if they are keeping my son- he has to follow the rules of the house- whether I agree with the rules or not. I have to bite my tongue with my mom most of the time- and if she were a mother in law- it would be so much easier. I have talked to my mom on her attitude and behavior being unacceptable and disrespectful of me- she then becomes the martyr and it somehow becomes all about her and failure at parenting- Whatever!! So, just know, you can talk her ear off, confront the issue, fight, get mad or whatever- but they are still who they are, and they might modify for a week or two after a confrontation- but typically they will never change. the morbid way I look at it is, they are getting older- they won't live forever, and I can live my life MY way when she is gone. Yes I am nearly 40 and tend to try to live my life and raise my child- the way she sees fit( in front of her anyway)whether I agree with it or not. Fortunatley my son is old enough to understand that mom has her rules and grammy has hers- they aren't necessarily the same, but that is life. Good luck my dear@!

J.,
I sorta know ur pain. My MIL has caused alot of troubles for me and my hubby. First off at our wedding she had to do every thing. Right down to the shopping for things. We asked to borrow some money that we would pay her back and she decided she needed to go shopping with us and just pay for every thing. We spent way more then we wanted to because my hubby couldn't say no to his mother. We got married at the courthouse and the next day we had a pig roast. My MIL decided she was goin to talk about me calling me immature infront of my friends and family. I blew it off and decided i wasn't goin to go out of my way. Thanksgiving we didn't go to her house but for christmas we went and oh what a joy that was ... not one word was said to me. I would sit down at the table and she would get up. Anyways she had made decisions like let my husbands best friend from school move into the house they were suppose to sell and give part of the money for us ot get a house. Its almost like she adopted his best friend in place of my husband because of him gettin married to me. She drives past our house every day for work and don't even stop to see her grandson. It drives me and my husband nuts.... I feel that it is his job to talk to his mother about these things but heres the thing how do u get them not to be a mama's boy. He is afraid of starting things and knows she wont change. My thing is how do u know she wont change if she doesn't know how u feel. Its a very hard situation. I wish u best of luck and hope things go well for u. Also ur not the only one out there with a monster in law. GOOD LUCK

You need to have time to go somewhere with your husband and your kids. If she won't watch them, is there a friend of yours you can swap babysitting with? Also, as far as waiting for your husband to talk to his mother, why don't you talk to her? I'm assuming you've been married to him for quite a few years and you probably know them well enough to talk to her. Maybe she's one of those that just doesn't realize what she's doing or that she's doing it that often. Just be honest with her, but try not to put her down or she definitely will not be open to what you need to say to her. She also has to realize that what she did raising her kids has changed over the years and you & your husband are in agreement on what is right for your family. Sometimes they just have a hard time "letting go" of their "kids"!

Good luck and I'll pray for an open mind for your MIL!

Wow, this lady certainly sounds like she's got issues. It appears that you and your husband are showing your independence and she's struggling with it by showing you that You must still need her. If you can somehow try to recognize that SHE is the one who is needy and is having some issues here and that you and your husband are perfectly fine figuring life out on your own, then it's easier to forgive her when she's driving you NUTS!

My mother-in-law has said some horrible things about me behind my back and some hateful things to me and my children. I went through a period where I just shut myself down when it came to dealing with her. I was so hurt by all her criticism of our family. Here's the irony of it all - She now has alzheimers and I'm her primary care giver. 2 years ago we were forced to move her in with us for a year. It was on Heck of a year, but we made it. My husband and I were the only ones in the family who were willing to take on this huge sacrafice of caring for them.

The bottom line is she is wrong to be treating you this way, but she is your husband's mother and someday the roles will be reversed and you'll be saying things like "You're getting shut off notices, but you've just bought a new outfit at Sacs Fifth Ave." I'm serious, this kind of thing will happen. Do protect your children, but find a way to rise above it and be a better person. The health of your marriage depends on this.

May God bless You, I KNOW its hard.

Move across the country!!! I feel for you. That would absolutely drive me crazy. The only way she'll let up is if both you and your husband are united and stand up to her otherwise it will be your fault and you will be the problem (from her perspective. Best of luck!!!

My Mother-in Law had simalar issues for the first 4 years of my marriage, she is one of those people whose censorship chip in her brain is worn out so she just blurts out what ever she feels. It was on Christmas Day and she was telling me how to be a mother and all the many things I was doing wrong, I had had it and it was apparent my husband was not going to say anything, he didn't want to ruin Christmas, but I told her that while I appreciated her help if I need it I will ask for it and if she can't treat me with the respect that I deserve then I would pack up my family and go home right then and we lived 8 hours away. Ever since then when things start to get out of hand I just tell her she is overstepping the boundaries. It would be better if you and your husband could talk to her together in a non threatening manner but you have to do what you what you have to too protect your family.
Good Luck!

Move as far away as possible!!!

In this sort of situation confrontation may be the best thing. I would suggest that you, your husband and your mother-in-law all sit down and have a serious talk. Tell her the damage that her attitude is causing in your marriage. This sort of thing will continue to get worse with time if the problem is not forwardly addressed. Hopefully she is sensitive to your feelings and concerns. Best of luck.

I doubt that your husband saying anything to your mother-in-law will help. It sounds as if she is bull-headed.Most of the time my mother-in-law didn't say anything to my husband she would tell me when he wasn't around. I always told my husband what she said and he told me to tell what I would tell anyone else, so when she would comment about us not being able to afford movie or bowling or whatever I just started responding that we were handling our money fine, we both work and no one else was paying our bills so if we spent some on entertainment everynow and then it wasn't anyones business. She used to comment about our dogs costing so much to feed and that we wouldn't be able to afford them when we got our new house, I told her we could manage our money just fine and when we got our new house I got another dog. She quit making comments about our dogs. Don't know if this would work in your case but this helped in mine.

she sounds like my mother in law i live 14 miles from mine and when i am working she will come into my house and clean it and know she is on me about having another kid all i tell her is you want to buy me health insurance go right ahead. she also does my laundry my goodness i can do my family's laundry. i am throwing my sister in law a baby shower this weekend and when i planned it she told me she wants to split the cost of everything with me she gave me $3.00 man that will pay for a whole lot. i wish i same some good advice.

It sounds like she needs to be needed. You're not going to change that, and you won't change her. All you can change is your own attitude about the constant criticism, and learn not to take it personally. Admittedly, that will take a lot of effort, grace, and a sense of humor. Maybe you and your husband can "redifine" some of her phrases, then deliberately just hear them differently? If a strong wind can make a tree grow deep and firm roots, your mother-in-law's remarks might have a similar effect on your marriage, right? Repeating "the Serenity prayer" daily might help too, lol!