Mother in Law Brings up X Wife Alot

it's not your place to say anything to her... it's your hubby's. tell him how uncomfortable his mother makes you feel by bringing up his X all the time. he needs to tell her. " look mom. she and i are not together anymore. i'm happily married to M.. I hope (insert X's name) is happy in her new life, but I don't need updates about it. please try to refrain from talking about her while we are visiting because it makes us both very uncomfortble." if she continues. after the talk, then just ignore it becasue she's insensitive and rude and there's nothing either of you will be able to do to change that.

Dont start off this marriage with the expectations that it could turn out the same as your last. You married this guy because he is a good guy, right? Give him the benifit of the doubt.

Absolutely say something to your MIL. Word it nicely of course, and then if she continues, well you're nine hours away so its not like you have to deal with it every day. And I agree with the previous poster who said that you should send pictures to your MIL of your children and how your family is doing. Give her what she wants to focus on-a family.

I think it is absolutely right to tell her that bringing up your husband's past relationship is hard on the two of you. Either have him talk to his mom or you can tell her that it hurts that the X is brought up when you are around. The past is past and the two of you want to move on with your future and focus on the positives. Ask her if she would feel uncomfortable if her mother-in-law brought up her husband's Xs.
Be nice to her (even though she is inconsiderate). But talking to her is being nice to you!

M.---Try responding to your MIL with a simple "That's wonderful that______ is doing so well. I'm glad she is as happy as we are." Or something similiar then change the topic to something more pleasant. Two things will happen, one, if she is doing this to get a rise out of you she doesn't succeed and may stop trying. Two, if she is doing this because her tact meter is slightly off, she gets her say and you take control of the conversation and steer it in a new direction.
I do think (as hard as it is)that you need to leave your past relationship out of this one. You say that you and your husband are happier than you have ever been and have a wonderful baby daughter together----trust that your husband values his new family and isn't going to do anything to lose it; no matter what his mom says or shows to him concerning his X.
If you don't already, try sending notes and photos at least once a month to your mil. Just a quick "hi, how are you? Here's what your granddaughter is up too." may help you build a better relationship with her. Cutting her out of the picture for this seems over the top..........
You could also try making a joke of it with your husband. Take a bet over how long it will take her to bring the X up and whoever is closest wins. You could bet Hubby making you a romantic dinner against him having you mow the lawn or something :)
Be secure in who you are and your relationship.........and this too shall pass.

First of all, you should be able to let go of the past and if your marrage is a blissful and established as you say, you should have nothing to worry about. Don't make problems in your mind that may or may not ever happen. You are only pestering yourself and the other people involved probably have not given this a thought. You have to overcome the insecurity of the X as you call her. As for the mother-in-law you seem to detest; you must remember she is the mother of your husband and the grandmother of your beautiful baby. Negative thoughts toward her will only eventually reflect later in your personal family i.e. husband and daughter and you may become the villian without even realizing it. You say you live 9 hours from the grandmother and you don't see her that often. Maybe if your little family took more time and saw her more you would develop a better relationship with her and she with her granddaughter; leaving her with less time to dwell on the X. I have an X daughter-in-law and I talk to her frequently and we have a great relationship. You need to realize that the mother-in-law reacts to the people who react to her in positive ways. Maybe the x is more thoughtful than you and your husband toward the mother-in-law and it seems she lives closer and may or may not see her more. It is OK to have relationships with X's. More often than not it will create an atmosphere of a settling nature instead of always looking at the negative. The X is gone from your husband's life and you need to let her go out of yours. You have no control over the mother-in-law because she is her own person and can be friends or acquaintances with anyone she chooses; as do you. I think you should give the mother-in-law a chance to get to know you and your child. Hope this helps!

Buy your hubby Dr. Cloud's book "Boundaries," then tell him to establish some! You've gotten some great advice. I know how harpy MILs can really ruin family times. I have vowed I will NOT be one myself!!

Good luck!
D

There's a reason they're called Mothers-IN-LAW! My MIL used to say things that hurt my feelings all the time and she even used to call me (by mistake, but still) by my husband's ex-wife's name! She keeps in touch with all of her children's ex's and we find it pretty annoying. However, she's a very social person and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it! I truly believe it's your husband's responsibility to bring this issue up with his mother. And he shouldn't say "M. doesn't like it when you talk about so and so" because your MIL will think you are being jealous and malicious. He needs to tell her that he's not interested in hearing about his ex and it's not appropriate for her to talk to you about this other woman and show pictures of her family. It's okay if she wants to keep in touch with the ex, but that information doesn't need to be shared with the two of you. I was very bitter toward my MIL for a long time and my husband told me that I just have to get over it! She's a wonderful grandmother and I don't want to cause any problems between my husband and his mother. So, it was hard at first but I had to make a conscious decision to forgive her and we've had a great relationship ever since! Okay, so it's only been about a month, but it's been a great month so far! I don't know how to explain it, I just feel differently about her. I don't focus on the things she's done in the past, like I used to and I don't say mean things about her anymore to my friends. I've taken my son to her house twice in the last two weeks and we've had lovely conversations, none of which were about the ex. I hope this helps!

Here's another way to look at this. My sister dated a guy in highschool, and our family loved him. We treated him like a brother. He was around all the time. Then they broke up. She went off to college and then moved far away. We still live here where he does. I still love him. It's been 30 years, and frankly, I still feel just alittle bit like he's related to us.

Then there's my ex-husband. He had a son from his first marriage. His ex-wife took the kid and moved across the country and wouldn't let him see or talk to his son. When we got married, I worked hard at getting her to talk to him and trying to get a relationship established with my step-son. We got her to send pictures for the first time in three years. My husband and I divorced after three years, and at that point we'd never got to see his son. I still have some of those pictures, and I still wonder about that kid and worry about him.

I was engaged to a guy when I was 20. His family loved me. My family loved him. For whatever reason, things didn't work out and I broke up with him. He never married (it's been 27 years,) but he moved away. I used to joke to his family that I broke his heart and he couldn't get married, and they agreed with me. But they still love me. When I see his sisters and his nieces and nephews, they show me pictures of the family, tell me how everyone is getting along, etc. I still love them, too.

Some people (like me, I hope) love quickly and freely, and once they open their hearts to someone, they rarely turn that person out. I've always thought there was enough room in my heart for all the people I've ever loved, and plenty more for whoever else comes along. I get along great with my ex-husband, even though his other two ex-wives don't speak to him. I get along with my present husband's siblings even when HE isn't speaking to them. I know I mention my sister's ex-boyfriend in front of her husband occasionally without thinking, because my kids are the same age as his and as the kids of some of their friends, so I see those people all the time. I love my brother in law, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but I also refuse to quit loving the boyfriend. My brother in law is very secure in his wife's love and if it bothers him he never mentions it.

Your husband's mother may have let the ex-wife's children into her heart, and she may worry alot about their well-being with so many fathers in and out of their lives. She may think or know that your husband loves the children even though they aren't his and he doesn't see them. I would be very upset with my son if he were to marry a woman with a child, form a relationship with the child, and then just quit caring about the child when he divorced the wife. Maybe she wants to see a caring reaction from him to know that he isn't cold and heartless.

See, you're making the whole thing about you and respect for your relationship, but it may not be about you at all. The previous advise here to be extra nice to her and work to form a solid relationship with her is very good. Make her your helper and friend, and get her involved in her granddaughter's life and then you won't need to worry if she still talks to the ex.

And if she can wreck your relationship by talking behind your back and lying about you, then you don't have the relationship you think you have anyway.