In Laws - Am I Going Nuts?

Just tell her Mom I love you but I need you to leave things the way I have them. As for the advice just smile and say thank you.

On the Universal International Scale of Horrible Mother-in-Laws Measuring, yours sounds fairly low on the scale! lol Maybe a 2 or a 3....

She obviously means well, but I'd say moving your furniture around is where I'd draw the line.

I'm not sure how old your son is but this will go on and on and she won't be aware that she's even overstepping her bounds if you never speak up so....

I would recommend the old "2 goods/1 bad" methos of delivering a negative statement (you know, like "Joe, you're punctual and dedicated to this job, but we have to let you go" type thing.)

Just say "Mom, that was very generous and I know you did that out of the goodness of your heart, but please run any furniture rearrangement plans through me first before you start!" See? Still nice. Still respectful, but you'll make your point.

Good luck!

Maybe, when you know she is coming over, set her up with a specific task that you know she can do, like baking cookies with your son or helping your son with an art project, so that you know that she is keeping busy and doesn't have time to do random things like moving your furniture or swapping out your mattress while you are not looking.

I'm glad that you are able to be honest about your feelings while still maintaining a kind and compassionate attitude toward your mother-in-law. That's a very nice quality that you have. Keep it up!

Rearranging your furniture and replacing your mattress? How would she like it if you rearranged her furniture? How would she like walking into her bed room to find she was the new owner of a water bed? If I walked into my living room and the sofa was gone the first thing said would be "Where's my sofa?!?" and when I was told where it was "Put it back right now!". No one rearranges my home environment who doesn't live here (my husband or son) and even then there is discussion before changes are made. You can be nice about it, but moving things around in my home without asking is beyond impolite.

Holy cow, she changed your matteress without asking you? You're the one who has to sleep on it, right? I would tell her right away on something like that, "Thank you for your generous purchase, but I am not comfortable on this mattress. I was very fond of my other one and I need it switch it back. In the future it would be better if you asked me first before making such personal choices for me."

Your husband needs to handle this, though. You can't be the one to do it or it will cause problems in your relationship with her as well as in your marriage. HE has to stand up to his mother and set some boundaries.

Are you newly married? Nip this nonsense in the bud. This is your home and you have to assert your authority over it. Your husband has to be blunt about it. Don't let 10 years of resentment add up and blow up in everyone's faces.

As far as the advice, be gracious. She has a lot of experience on you and she's telling you something from her heart. You don't have to follow her advice. Just say, "I'll take that into consideration, thank you for the advice." It leaves you in the driver's seat and it makes her feel good. Win-win.

Good luck.

My MIL was nice like that at first, but then the minute we tried to set boundaries she basically flipped. Just read my MIL questions. Now your MIL might not be so dramatic but be prepared just in case. And yes definitely set boundaries. Hopefully it doesn't, but even if it hurts her feelings, you should because next thing you know it won't just be nice things she does without asking, she will start making decisions for your son! But honestly like others said it's your hubby's job to let her know in a very nice gentle way. That's what my hubby did but hopefully yours has better luck!

.

She is way out of line. Her disregard for your boundaries will only get worse. Lay down the boundaries NOW with her. Be specific and tell her its not ok to rearrange your house to suit her needs---- You know she is concerned and loves your son, but she needs to ask you first before doing anything like that! She won't like what you have to say, but it needs to be said.

M

Look this is not exactly the advice your looking for but...I wish I had had a better relationship with my MIL I tried in some many ways she loved me the way she knew how. Now she is dying of cancer and I just wish she would of wanted to know my kids better. Take what you can get and be grateful you have her now..and the parts that are not so great either politely talk to her or just except her for what she is.

honey, you have to open up w/ your hubby tell him about your feelings, and let him be the one to deliver it to her mother.. or if you are comfortable both of you will have a conference w/ ur mother-in-law, you tell her about your side that sometimes she is killing you, tell her in a nice way, old people are so sensitive so carefully break it to her- hehehe, kidding aside..

Good luck to you, hope everything will be settled nicely.

Have your husband talk to her soon!!! Let it come from him and not you. Mommy will not resent her son but she will resent you. This is your home, your child and she needs to learn boundaries.

Hi there,

Well i'm sure it was nice to get that off your chest. I think you should be able to tell her how you feel and i'm pretty sure no matter how you tell her her feelings most likely will be hurt or she'll be offended. Either way its not for you to be feeling bad you did nothing wrong. Its your house and YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND say what goes on there NO ONE ELSE. I will say if you allow someone to keep doing things you don't like one day you will blow up. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND should invite her over and just explain to her how you BOTH feel. The BOTH OF YOU being there is very important.

Oh My God, this sounds exactly like my mother-in-law! Wants to help all the time, but is killing me with her "kindness". Fortunately she's not in any great shape so wouldn't move my sofa or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought about it! We used to bonk heads when I was pregnant with my first because she was always trying to lace up my shoes for me or put on my coat for me, etc. And she drives my oldest son nuts!! (I think she drives my other two nuts, too, but because they're only 1, they can't say so). She hovers over my oldest and if he's playing with one toy, she'll rip the other out of his hand and say "now, you can't play with both at the same time." And she stands over him and directs him on how to eat his cereal. Extremely annoying and frustrating! She is extremely passive aggressive and it comes across as trying to help, which is annoying because my own mother thought I was being mean until she stayed with me and my MIL one week. It was hell, thankfully, so my mother knew exactly what I was talking about! Anyway, I have been married seven years now, have known my inlaws for nearly 10, so I have kind of figured it out. I sent her the Love and Logic for Grandparents so that she would stop hovering over my three-and-a-half-year-old son and arguing with him and give him some choices (he's incredibly verbal and stubborn). That helped a bit. My sister-in-law told me to just give her jobs, which helps, but I have a difficult time because she comes to stay with us from Ireland so she's here for three weeks or more. My sister-in-law only has her for a weekend at best. Trying to fill her plate with jobs isn't always possible 24-7. But, that said, I came up with a to-do list for myself and showed it to her when she arrived. I told her that if she's wanting to help to feel free to do anything on the list and that that would be great. I have to leave the room, though, or she'll ask me a hundred questions, which drives me even more mad (will I put this in the garbage or set it on the counter, will I put this away or will I leave it here... that kind of thing). I also had my husband talk to her about a few things, because it sounds better coming from him. He finally told her to stop directing our son when he was eating, which helped a bit. I don't think she realized she was doing it. Also, after 5 years of marriage we finally got through to her not to walk into our room without knocking, which she did constantly. Thank goodness it was always my husband she caught naked and not me and thank goodness nothing else was happening! Anyway, I figured out that she doesn't have any sense of boundaries. It takes all I have not to shout at her to butt out some days, but fortunately I've managed to stay quiet so far and honestly, piling on the jobs helps and so did the grandparenting book. My husband pointing out things nicely has also helped. If you come up with a list of rules or what have you, like "this is the way we do such and such around here" and present it in a matter-of-fact nice way, I think that might help. It's a really difficult situation, but I think you can overcome it in time. It takes a bit of getting used to each other. I do like my mother-in-law, too, and also send her lots of emails and news about the kids, too, which she always responds to nicely, but yes, she drives me batty! But I try to be kind and say things in a kind way if they're bothering me. I would start by talking to your husband about it and getting him to talk to her - about changing the mattress for starters or moving the sofa, etc. Stop feeling badly - you're not alone! :-)

There is a difference between advice and running your life. She is out of control and will only get worse.

What does your husband have to say about all of this? I would speak to him and tell him how much this bothers you. THEN go together and talk to her. Don't send him alone. You want to know what message is being sent and her reaction. But let him be the spokesman.

I have learned to break it down to feelings, my own. I tell people how I feel when they do things (like move a sofa).
You could say this.
Dear mother-in-law it makes me fell uncomfortable and upset when you take the initiative in my house to move my sofa and switch my mattress without talking to me first.
That is not accusatory and it lets her know how her actions make you feel, kind of like a nice little warning. If she gets upset, then you know she's been manipulating you all along. When you break things down to your feelings people should not get upset.
Talk to you husband & let him know what you are going to say first, make sure he is ready to back you up. Don't have him speak for you as so many have recommended, it just makes you look spineless in her eyes and she will keep riding roughshod over you again & again.

ha! welcome!welcome! you have got easy compared to some of those post that others have posted! lol but you have a very valid concern andpoints. i guess since you say that she is a nice woman you could have a heart to heart with her. start out by telling her the good things about her and how you love that she loves her grandson so much. then kind of ease into what is bothering you . be honest but don't sugar coat it. but if you see her not taking it to well try to back a little. she may respect your honesty and that may bring you guys closer. but if you don't say something it might get worse. i wigh you the best of luck.

My advice is nip it in the bud right away! Yes, your husband should be the one to address it with his mother. But mine wouldn't and things got worse. I've been married for 24 years and have a very tense relationship with my MIL. Your MIL needs to understand that it is your house and your child and it is for you to decide what is best. She had her chance to raise her children and have a home of her own, now it is your turn. If your husband won't tell her, then you need to.

You are not unrealistic. It is your house, your family, and it should be your way. You and your husband need to have a talk about this. Then he need to talk to his mother. He needs to say to his mother, mother, in my house, my wife is queen and what she says goes.

I am in an opposite pickle...my MIL is the most awesome, kind, non-judgemental, caring, thoughtful person in the world......its MY mother that hands out the "what you need to do" advice. She has calmed down somewhat in the past year. Still, if I have to hear her say, "the problem is..." ONE MORE TIME!!!!! UUUGGGGG!!!! Its not as if I ask her....I dont anymore...if I need a question answered, its my MIL EVERYTIME!!!
Here is my theory on the subject; they REALLY think they are helping you. Thats it. Take the road I decided to take....hear the statement, say thank you...and GET ON with life!!!! DO NOT disect what they are telling you. They are truly trying to help. You just have to pick your battles...in the end, if something really irks you...just say it, "Mom, (or whatever you call her) I dont want the sofa in the room, I like it here"...
You never know...she may be completely unaware that she is doing this to you.

Good Luck :)

I feel your pain-in-the-neck! If you tell her that you are bothered by something she said or did, you might as well have killed her or told her she was the worst mother in law in the world and she should never come back! something like that?

All you can do for the Advice part of it, is thank her and move on...do what you want or feel is right. However, don't just dismiss her advice either (i found that I ignored everything my MIL said because I was so annoyed with her sticking her nose in everything, but then I realized that sometimes she does have a point). :)

As for the rearraigning of the livingroom, bedroom, etc (OMG she didn't cut your son's hair did she?)! You have to confront her. Be kind and thankful, but let her know that you prefer to do the decorating your self.

I know its hard to be kind all the time, I feel so guilty that I get annoyed, but I can't help it. Sometimes you think they just need to understand you also!

Sit down with her... have a nice cup of tea and cookies... speak calm and nicely to her.... respectfully... and tell her... as though you were confiding in a good girlfriend with the most top secret information.... (you know the feeling)... and with that feeling in mind... tell her how you feel.

If she is well balanced mentally and respectful (albeit irritating as most MIL's are), she will 'appreciate' that you spoke to her... in such a manner.

If not and she continues to be a BLATANT problem and knowingly disrespects you... then your Husband as well, must back you up... and you must institute CLEAR boundaries....

But I don't think she is trying to be a pain in the butt... she is just irritating...
However, some MIL's are truly Toxic.

My Mom lives with us... hence, she is my Hubby's MIL. My Mom is cool... but yes can be irritating. If my Hubby is irked with her... he speaks very nicely/gentlemanly to her.... compliments her on something.. then... bonk... lets her know, of what is bothering him... that she is doing.
Again, he doesn't say it in a mean way... but he will say "you can stop saying that, I am a big boy, but I appreciate you caring... I recognize that...BUT....." thus, the 'sting' is not so great... even if he is critiquing her.

Next: Your MIL... CANNOT rearrange your home. Tell her this. It is your home. And it is a privacy thing and a very personal thing... that got invaded.

Next: What the heck does your Husband say? How does he feel? Does he go to bat for you?

all the best,
Susan

I think your feelings are normal. I know I would feel edgy and a little off kilter if someone walked into my house and started rearranging it to THEIR liking. Definitely not cool and certainly something that you should put an end to.

Maybe you could tell her something like:

"I am so thankful that you are in my life and I wouldn't trade you for the world. I did want to talk to you though about some boundaries. Lately I've been feeling a little bit invaded and I'd sure appreciate it if you would ask me first before you rearrange anything in my house. I'm just not comfortable with letting you do that without my input."

Or better yet, have your hubby tell her this. Truly, he should be dealing with any negatives from his family since it's his family. Most couples I know work things out in this way. Each spouse is responsible for checking the obnoxious behavior of their own family members.

Good luck to you, and hey at least you have a NICE MIL, am I right? ;)

i know how it is, and i LIVE with my in-laws. My father-in-law is okay, but my mother-in-law drives me crazy!
she would always go behind my back and do things like feed him sweets and snacks after he's already eaten, let him watch tv during meals (which i never allow) and just a lot of things.
finally i just asked her very nicely to ask me before she does things like that.
i told her that i appreciated her concern, i would just like to be notified of the change so i get a choice in it.

the one time i did flip, is when she thought it was okay to leave with my son WITHOUT telling me!

lol. She's unique! I'm with Dawn. May not pack quite as hard a punch if your husband nonchalantly says something, but I wouldn't let it go, as this may put you over the edge if it continues to that extreme.

Your mother in law is out of bounds. Put your food down. It is your house and how you put it together is your business.
She had her chance. What does this woman do with her time. Sounds as if she is retired or has no volunteer projects. Does she go to the gym? Is she studying anything. She needs language or art or music classes.
If she had a life of her own to manage she would not try to manage yours.
She isn't nice she is bossy and takes over without any consultation with you.
Sorry but you have to tell her NO. Even if she gets very angry the answer is it is your home and her grandson is your son.

She is your mother-in-law - your husband should deal with his mom. Of course some husbands won't deal with their mom (my husband didn't) and then you have to. Tell her as tactfully and nice as possible that this is your house and that you would appreciate that she respect your things in your house. The key word is respect.

I am a mother-in-law and although I give advice to my daughter-in-laws when asked I really try to be more of a friend then a "do it this way" mother-in-law. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue but it is their family and their lives. So unless they are doing something detrimental to themselves or their children I really try to respect their lives.

N.

Read the book "Boundaries".