Mother-In-Law Boundaries

Many long responses to this one! Wish I could keep it short, but there are too many ideas that might help, & I feel your pain!

The first thing I like to do in these situations is to separate what I need to do about my own feelings & emotions & what I need to do to solve the problem. My emotions are mine. I can listen to them, comfort them, adjust them, & resolve them on my own because I have learned ways to do that. I didn’t know that when I was in my 20s, but at 51, I’m getting pretty good at relieving my own overwhelming emotions whenever I need to. One of the methods I have learned & I teach to my clients is called Emotional Freedom Techniques (www.emofree.com). You might want to learn this simple acupressure technique that, by the way, works great with children as well. And, try to keep in mind that the reason both you & your MIL are anguishing over all this is because you both care so much. Emotions may be tricky to live with & deal with, but it beats not caring in spades. I think the coldest words I ever heard (in a movie I think) were, “I don’t hate you, I nothing you.”

You have a right to be angry & your MIL has a right to be concerned. Adults have the right & the responsibility to have & to moderate their own emotions. One of the most important things I ever learned is to never, & I mean never, try to educate, discipline, or in any way fix my parents (including in-laws). It was their responsibility to raise me, my responsibility to raise my child, & my child’s responsibility to raise my grandchildren. The river does not flow upstream without unpleasant results. I have told my son that parents are the most uneducable people on the planet & to not stress over it. He will learn much I never will & that’s okay. But, I expect him to respect the fact that each generation stands upon the shoulders of the generation before them & to listen to my concerns as food for thought, not as advice or as directions. He is an adult & must make his own decisions. Because we have made this distinction very clear, we have the most delightful disagreements! When I told him I was concerned about some of the music he listened to, he affectionately replied, “Thank you for caring, I really appreciate that, but you do realize that your concern is not going to change what I listen to. I know you don’t like it, however, & I am sorry you were exposed to it. I will be more careful about that.” I laughed & assured him that I was not trying to impose my will & explained that at 20 y/o I expect him to experiment & learn for himself what will bring him genuine happiness & success in life. That was more than 2 years ago & his tastes have evolved tremendously. We don’t always get it right, but this is an example of the approach we try to take with each other. It works!

Before suggesting steps you might take, there is one thing you might want to ask yourself: Is it realistic to expect that you can allow your family dilemmas to affect the theater experience for people who have bought tickets & not have to face some public reaction? Once the issue makes itself public, it is difficult to keep it from becoming a public issue. The yelling invaded the theater before your MIL invaded your home. It doesn’t excuse her manners or approach, but I’m sure you feel some pressure about this situation & may be bringing some of that frustration into your focus on your MIL. However you approach your MIL, you still have this issue to resolve. If I were you, I would do whatever it takes to get my MIL & anyone else who cares working with me in unity to solve the real problem.

Once your own emotions are back in flow, you can better decide what the issues are & the manner in which you will approach them. In this condition, you can afford to be gracious without feeling cheated or vulnerable or abused. Because a MIL is a parent, she has the right to make mistakes, to be forgiven, & to be treated with great courtesy & respect. But, one way to show respect is to gently draw clear boundaries. 2 things to keep in mind as you speak to her: You can only choose what you will do & say, not what she will do or say – & - the manner in which you treat your parents is the manner in which you are teaching your children to treat you when they are grown. A great wisdom I learned with my FIL is to use subtlety to respectfully let him know what made me too uncomfortable without putting him in the position to need to apologize. He used to say some outrageous things in front of children on a regular basis. Each time he said something awful, I would quietly respond, “If I thought you meant that, it would hurt my feelings.” I only had to say that twice & he almost never said those things in front me or my son again.

I can only imagine myself in your situation & tell you what I think I would like to do under the circumstances, so these are just examples for your to consider. I like the idea of creating the atmosphere of a do-over. A friend of mine used to say, “Now that we did it that way, how would we really like to do this?” I think I would first want to re-establish dignity in the relationship by asking for her patience & expressing my compassion (not guilt) for how things must have sounded, how embarrassed she may have felt, & how worried she must be feeling about her grandchild, whom she loves. I would also want to tell her that I regret that we (emphasis on WE) were not able to find a way to resolve things while under the pressure of the moment & that she left my home in tears. Now that we have a more sober moment, I would want to ask for her understanding as I explain the reasoning behind the approach we had been using. Then I would want to tell her that I would very much appreciate her sharing her experience & ideas with me so that my husband & I might consider other approaches that may work better under the circumstances. I might also add that, however strong the impulse may be for grandma to step in & rescue the child in the heat of the moment, that I am the one living with the child & it is more important to help me find more creative solutions. It is important to be very respectful & considerate, but it is just as important to draw clear boundaries. She may have done the only thing she thought was the right thing to do in the moment. So, it is time to get clear about what might be a better thing to do.

Once you get a conversation started with dignity, respect, & a unified sense of purpose, it has a pretty good chance of carrying itself toward a positive outcome.

One more important little wisdom I learned over the years. I not only raised my son & cared for many young nieces & nephews, but spent 9 years providing an early childhood enrichment program in preschools & now work with special needs children. When a room full of 3 y/o’s got louder than me or when my son’s cries or screams were so loud he couldn’t hear me, I leaned in & whispered something enticing. Children always got quiet to hear something they didn’t want to miss. I wore a pendant with a delicate chime mechanism inside to the preschools. When the kids got too loud, I would raise the chime to my ear & jiggle it & lean in toward the kids closest to me & whisper, “Can you hear that?” Those few quietly leaned in to listen & the ones next to them noticed & were curious about what they might be missing out on, & the wave of quiet moved through the room like dominoes. Once I had their attention, I was always ready to lead them into an activity, such as, “Can you clap just like me?” Also, you may want to contact your local school to find out if programs, such as Parents as Teachers or First Steps, are available to you. They often have great advice on how to help kids with tantrums & out-of-control behaviors.

So, yes, your MIL crossed a line, but to forgive is divine. Be divine! It feels so much better than condemning her. And forgive yourself for not finding the most perfect solution the first time or not knowing how to respond in a difficult moment. I just imagine that God never created perfect parents so that we would always be able to know the difference between parents & God. Only moms are reading this, & we all relate! That is why you got so many long responses!

Hope your holidays are more loving & delightful than ever!

I would talk to her, especially since your husband wants you too. I would just kindly remind her that your son is having his own personal issues right now and that you are doing the best you can. As much as you appreciate her concern, her coming in is not what was needed at the time and let her know that if you need her assistance, that you will ask her. It's hard for grandparents to see their grandbabies upset. Again, acknowledge her concern, but kindly remind her that you are the parent. Hope that helps.

I agree with you that grandma should have shown you a little more respect. However, I think you need to give grandma a little more credit too. She was obviously trying to help even if her idea of help was not helping the situation. I'm sure it was hard for her to hear the screaming. Sometimes, having a third person come into a situation such as this as a mediator can help to solve the problem and I'm sure that was what she was trying to do. As a mom of a very strong willed 3 year old, I understand that sometimes you have to just battle it out with them but give grandma some credit for being concerned and trying to help with the process. I think you need to let grandma know in a loving way that you appreciate her motives but you had the situation under control and that it did not help that you had to deal with her in the process as well. She could have just come and asked if you wanted assistance and then backed off when you said no. Let her know how you would like her to react next time and maybe explain some of the reasons why you and your husband handle things the way you do. This will help both of you to understand things better so that it won't be an issue in the future.

You should choose your battles, and that seems like such a little one. Why is grandma not allowed into the home "uninvited", isn't she family? Maybe you should be more inviting to her by sharing your parenting woes and tell her what your plan for the situation is and ask her what she thinks you should do, maybe it will be helpful advice that you didn't think of.

D.,
I know exactly where you are coming from (and quite honestly thought i was the only one!) My husband and I used to not say anything to his mother at all and just let those things happen and we had to suffer the consequences later when it came to our daughters behavior (she would be throwing a fit over ANYTHING and grandma would come in and give her anything she wanted and tell her that mommy and daddy were wrong!). and finally one day they were out at a store and my husband couldnt take the situation anymore and told his mother that she is our child and it is not okay for her to contradict everything that we do. that we are trying to raise her to be a polite, respectful person and that if she wasnt going to be part of the solution then she was part of the problem. Like your situation she started to cry and got mad and yelled at him telling him that she just couldnt come around anymore then (trying to manipulate him like she always does) but he stood his ground. and after a couple of days she got over it and actually admitted that she IS part of the problem and needs to correct it and that we are doing just fine are parents. she still reverts back to her old self sometimes but for the most part shes doing alot better. ...she is also a control freak who holds grudges. but we decided that time not to give in to her grudge and "baby" her. we stood our ground and just stayed away for a couple of days and she did eventually come to us when she was ready.
I wish you good luck!

My guess is that you dont have the greatest of relationships with your MIL to begin with...or this wouldnt even be an issue. I think that you and your husband need to come to an understanding first....and then you need to sit down and talk to your MIL....TOGETHER!!!
I had some real resentment issues with MY MIL over the years...she was very vocal and critical of some parenting choices that we made that were different than what she had made ( my Nursing vs her bottle feeding was a HUGE one!!). I can still remember the time that she fed my then, 5 month old daughter...who had never had anything but breast milk and rice cereal....mashed potatoes and gravy!!! lol 31 years later...and I STILL remember!!!
I think all of the experiences I had with her have made me a MUCH different MIL and Grandma than I would have been otherwise. I am DETERMINED not to interfere....(sometimes with more success than others...I will admit). I try my best to honor my childrens homes and decisions as theirs.
That being said...I can understand why your MIL tried to intervene...and as other's have said...sometimes someone besides Mom and Dad can reach an upset child better because they are more removed from the situation. I question your practice of talking loudly to your child when he is in the middle of a tantrum....to me, that is just validating HIS tantrum...because in his eyes YOU are throwing a tantrum too!!! Not a criticism...just a thought.
I think what is needed here is a frank, unemotional discussion between you, your husband and your MIL ( and FIL too if he is involved)...no accusations...no tears...no yelling...just explain your feelings...listen to her (them) and see if you cant find a middle ground to meet on. The important thing here is that you ALL love your son...and want what is best for him...that is what you need to keep uppermost in your mind.

Sorry, she does what he allows her to do. You will have to be the Queen in order to live with yourself. Good managing!
Election Night Humor-4 minutes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pqFVqlMX2o
Enjoy!

D., MIL can be a little difficult at times but then so can daughter in laws. I guess I am about to play devils advocate here, but it is about mending family hurts more than anything.

I can remember when my children were little and they were upset about something. There is an unspoken bond between kids and their grandmas, it is a little like magic, mine had it and I am assuming yours does as well. Grandmas hate to hear the children upset and there is a need to love them in a way that no one else can. That love expresses itself in many ways, one is to eliviate pain and suffering. I know that my daughter could be having a hissy fit, and I would feel that she did not need to be rewarded for it either, but my mothers arms would tame the tiger in a way I could not. it was like magic.

I wonder if your MIL just wanted to comfort him, and if she could have it would have made him feel better as well. It would not have been a reward, just another form of comfort. Sometimes in the middle of a fit we all need to know everything is going to be alright.

It would have created a lot of feelings within you though, just like I had.

I am not sure that you handled it the best way possible. What harm would it have done to allow her to hold him and talk to him.

As far as the home goes. You said yourself it is unconventional. There are doors in every building that restrict the average customer from going into certain areas. She may see the entire theater as your home, it may be a line that is fuzzy to her. Would it be terrible to assume that she thought being invited to the theater was being invited to your home? It is possible. Another thought, is it possible that he was yelling so loud you did not hear her knock? Could she have opened the door a crack and yelled in to see if you heard her or saw her? Is it possible that he was so loud that you could not even know she asking to come in until she was right in front of you?

When I go to visit to my brother, he lives in a slpit level, I ring the bell, then I knock. I can hear him upstairs, I hear the music or the TV so loud that I am sure he can not hear me. I stand there in the cold wondering what to do next. He has never denied me entrance into his home, but here I am with him unable to hear me. So I open the door a crack and I yell. Then I stand on the entry landing and I yell. You are correct to say I have entered his home uninvited, yet we are family and he has never denied me entrance.

I have to ask how you would have felt if it had been your own mother? Would you be as upset, at her entrance, or at her offer to help?

I think in this situation you and she wanted what was best for the little boy. You feel as though your authority was questioned, and you are hurt and angry. I think you should buck up and be glad that she loves you all as much as she does.

I would tell her that you appreciate her trying to help, and you're sorry if her feelings were hurt. Then lock your door.

I would definately sit down and have an ADULT conversation with her, emotional or not, before Christmas. It is possible that having raised a son herself, who possibly had the same behavior when he was 3????, she could have some good advice to offer for the "next time". Try and explain to her without blame..."I feel like....this because of that, no "YOU" statements (those imply blame), that at the moment of his outburst your son would see it as a reward for bad behavior to have grandma come save the day, etc. AND that you would appreciate the same respect upon entering your home that she would want at her house.

Good luck :)
T. W.

Greetings D.! I have been married 27 years and my girls are now 25 and 22 years old respectively and I have dealt with your "in-law" boundary problems for years.Here are some thoughts I have that helped me over the years.

FIRST Coming to this forum was a BRILLIANT choice. You have already begun the process to work through this by coming to a safe place where VENTING IS WELCOME. Your feelings are good and healthy and right. CONTINUE TO EXPRESS them, especially to your husband. You and hubby are the caretakers of your son and noone else. What mom-in-law is doing is called "triangling" by going to her son, your hubby about, you and your son. This is one of the most hurtful patterns of communication and can destroy relationships. Have you ever heard of assertive approaches to conflict? It goes something like this

WHEN YOU

I FELT

And in the furture I REQUEST

And you fill in the blanks with the appropriate information.
Whether it is your mom-in-law, your hubby or a friend, this style of communicating your needs is extremely helpful for you. YOU remain authentic, clear up YOUR side of the issue and leave the rest in the hands of the other partner of the problem. You have every right to everything you have stated here. The only thing you need to do is communicate your thoughts in a courteous, yet firm and respectful way. The rest, frankly, about resolution, will be up to your mom-in-law and then you, my dear, are free to continue to handle your son your way and enjoy Christmas.

Let me know if this is helpful and if you would like more specific guidance.

Respectfully and honoring of your mom decisions, I am,
Josephine L.
Spiritual Director
AND more important "MOM"

With it being your husband's mom - I really feel that it is up to him to explain to your mother the boundaries and what is expected of her as a grandmother. You shouldn't really have to discuss it with her. Let him do it - if that doesn't work you can try discussing it with her. Good luck.

Hi D.,

My suggestion is a little different from what you probably want to hear. First I'd like to say that I am with you about being angry. I'd be angry too! Most moms deal with this from one or both of their mothers and it can be frustrating when you are trying to be the parent and as grandmas they think they can fix everything! With that being said, though, look at the big picture here. It sounds like your MIL issues go much deeper and you're not going to solve them over this one issue. So, my suggestion is to sit down with her per your husband's request and I think you should be the one to apologize. Apologize for upsetting her, hurting her feelings, making her cry, whatever. Now, don't apologize for things you aren't sorry for (like telling her you didn't want her help at that moment)but hopefully you have enough compassion to understand that her feelings got hurt too, so start there. Although you absolutely don't want to do this, I believe it will help open the door for her to listen to you and your concerns. Honestly, if she's as emotional as you say she probably wants validation too, so my advice is to swallow your pride and start with an apology, in the end you may get what you want too. And, if not, at least you won't have a miserable Christmas together!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mother-in-law used to have an issue with stepping into my mommy territory. I remember when Merandah reached her "I don't want to eat what you give me stage" my husband and I agreed she would eat what we gave her or she wouldn't eat. So one Sunday after church we went to Jarod's parents and Merandah pulled her stunt and wanted to get down. I told her she had to eat 3 bites or she'd have to sit there for a while. My mother-in-law asked if she could try and help. Even though I didn't want to I let her. So she tried to help and when she couldn't get Merandah to eat she let her down out of her seat...which underminded what I said, because I told her she'd have to sit there. It's totally annoying. I don't think your husband should pin this on you. Yes you had an issue with your mother-in-law she should apologize for not respecting you and your wishes. It's ok for grandparents to be concerned but there's a point when they need to step back and let us be parents.

I would go to your mother-in-law and explain that you feel the way you feel. You were DEFINATELY NOT in the wrong for wanting to deal with your child your way. Other then his pride and small but still there male ego you weren't causing him harm. You were also right about if you would've allowed her to step in he would have seen it as a reward and thought he could get away with it time after time. So stand firm in your decision. Go to your mother-in-law tell her you're sorry she feels hurt but you're his mom and you did what you thought was best. She needs to know her boundaries.

I know first hand how uncomfortable it will be to have that discussion...but I also know first hand how uncomfortable it will be if you don't. I didn't have that conversation with my mother-in-law until this May before Jarod and I got married. And now that we've had that conversation along with others...things are so much more comfortable.

I wish you the best of luck and congradulations on the mircale your expecting in May!!

First of all, I'm going to suggest you seriously look into some parenting classes like 1-2-3 Magic, Common Sense Parenting or Love and Logic. Your 3 year old child is NOT a little adult and no amount of talking to him is going to get him to understand what you are trying to convey to him. You may not like time outs and may not think they work but trust me, I was the biggest skeptic out there...but with patience and persistance THEY DO WORK.

I agree that a boundry was crossed with the MIL just coming in...but again, I can see where she might have said she was there and you didn't hear her because well face it, you were a little preoccupied.

It sounds to me like you need to have a conversation more with your husband than anything right now. From the tone in your note, it sounds like you don't think he backs you before he will back his mother. If you are having these issues, then there is NOTHING that you are going to say or do that is going to remedy or resolve the situation. Once you two agree on what is acceptable and not, then you can have the conversation with MIL...but I agree, a conversation needs to ensue. I don't believe she was trying to upsurp you...face it, we all as parents get exasperated when kids meltdown like this...chances are she knows you all go through this on a regular basis and probably thought she'd give you a break and help out. I'm sure it wasn't malicious but once you draw the lines with your husband you can make a united front as to what the lines are with the rest of the family.

I can tell you I have MAJOR in-law issues and not over my children...over my husband...they can't see that he is a grown man with his own family and let him live his life w/o butting in. We had to have a major conversation about it (because...gasp...yes the MIL even overstepped her boundaries and gave Dr's orders about my husbands care when he was in the hospital and I was standing right there as POA). I don't think you're situation is as extreme as mine, but I think your perception of where your husband stands aligned is shakey...YOU need to know that he stands with you and the family you have made together.

I can tell you I have extremely passionate children and I have gone through all sorts of meltdowns in public and private AND in front of family. Everyone has an opinion, I found going through parenting classes to be enlightening and relieving because I found I was NOT the only parent going through these problems...that countless other parents went through the same things. But the BEST thing was I was able to listen to ALL their stories, determine who was most like me and my kid and make my own decisions on how I was going to handle the situation. You also have a great support network, like here, where people genuinely want you to succeed...advice is free and everyone has an opinion, it's up to you what you want to do with it.

I really think this is something that your husband needs to step in on. Preferably, he should either talk to her himself, or at the very least be there and back you up as you talk to her.

For what it's worth, I absolutely agree with you and think you did the right thing. It took a lot of courage to stand up to your mother-in-law like you did.

Good luck! And congratulations on your baby!

I have been there.... My suggestion to you: call or sit down with her, & instead of bringing up the other night; go into what the problem is with your little guy (like you did above) and then ask her if your hubby went through something like that when he was little and if so what worked for him. Ask her for ideas and let her know that you want Gma to stay Gma and not be the disciplinary one of the family, but you appreciate her ideas and you & Hubby will try what you think works best. And let her know that if you feel that you can not get him through this, that you will call for her to come and help, but until then, you will handle the screaming fits.

They just want to help and hate seeing the little one so upset... So by asking before a fit happens what she would do, lets her feel important,you get new ideas that you can take or leave.

I do wish you luck. I know it is hard!

OK, I get your husband's point that you need to talk to her, but HIS MOM, HIS PROBLEM. My MIL does the same, as does my mom. It's easier to call your own mom out on things. My MIL likes to say things like "he never does that for me", "he's always so good for me" Blah blah blah. I know everyone thinks theymean well and they don't really mean to make you feel inferior, but come on, are they really that naive? I know exactly what my MIL means when she says things or does things that undermine me, not just with my kids, but my house, cooking, everything.

I am very fortunate that my husband takes my side on almost everything with his family, and his mom's sisters take my side as well. But it doesn't make things any easier when she pulls the same stunt over and over again.

Have your husband talk to her, tell her you are doing everything you can to get your kid to sleep w/o drama, nad he's 3, I promise, you are not alone. We know better now, so we do things differently than she did when her kids were young. Tell your husband you are still very hurt and explain to him why. Then tell him if you talk to her, you may say something you will regret. By the way, you said seeing her was a reward, you are so right! You would think she would have heard that compliment.
Ugh, MIL, sorry if I sound negative, but mine can ruin any holiday for me, and I am doing my best not to let her.

Sounds to me like you handled the situation at the time quite well. You established that you were the parent in control and it was not up to her to interrupt. So good job standing your ground... Now of course comes the hard part. Mom in law got her feelings hurt, so now you're the bad guy...Been there!! My mother in law is a great lady, very loving...but she has a rough side and comes across gruff sometimes which can be intimidating, much like an emotional, poor me, mom in law... I think your best bet is to let her know you appreciate her trying to help, but that in the future you'd rather her not disrespect your authority with your son. Let her know that you love her very much and that it is totally her choice if she wishes to not come around, however that is not what you are asking of her. Remind her that all you're asking is that she not interfere with a situation as it is occuring, and that she respect your privacy. Any suggestions after the fact will be taken into consideration, but that she must understand you can agree to disagree...This is your child, not hers.
Hang in there and remember if she chooses to make things difficult, it isn't your fault. She chose to over-step...she actually owes you an apology.

I feel you on the MIL issue. Personally I think it is something your husband needs to talk to her about. I am not sure how your relationship is with her, but if you feel comfortable talking to her then go ahead. I on the other hand can not talk to my MIL. She and I clash and we both want things done our own ways. I am constantly having my husband talk to her (which he hates ... lol), but I know if I did it then it would be a HUGE fight and we would not end up seeing her for awhile.
I also think your husband needs to stick up for you aswell. This is where my husband and I clash, he is a mama's boy and would rather hurt my feelings than hers. He and I fight about that all the time, though he is getting better after 5 years. Good Luck !

Your husband needs to talk to her--she's his mother. He needs to back you up, end of discussion. It will not be heard coming from you, and she will continue to butt in until your husband sets her straight. You know whether he will or not, I'm sure, based on his behavior until this point in the marriage.

If he will not, there is no use in nagging or being angry at him; that's the man you married. If that is the case, simply deal with individual situations as they come up as you see fit but expect that your MIL will make try to make holidays, etc. miserable. That is her method of control and the situation you married into. Good luck!

D.,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems with your mother-in-law. It is difficult. But remember that all mothers think they know how to raise kids. But the truth is we all need help and others advice. Now that I have been a mother-in-law it is totally a learning process. Maybe for her, you could ask her thoughts on the situation with your
son. But that does not mean you have to use her advice unless it is actually good and may work. Having a child throw temper tatrums is hard. My youngest son use to do that. The one thing I learned even before he was born is that you have to ignore bad behaviour and not pay attention to it. When I was pregnant with the 3rd one, I worked in a nursery and there was one child(a boy) that would do this and this is the advice they told me to do with him. So I took the advice and used it with my son and amazingly it worked. He did throw the tantrums but not all the time. Also one thing you need with children(and mother-in-laws) is patience. So hang in there. It is hard to let go of your family. I did not realize this until my sons grew up and started living on their own. Hang in there and may God bless you and your family!! Merry Christmas!!
I do want to make a comment about confronting. It is hard. But I think first of all you and your husband need to be on the same page. And maybe confront the mother-in-law together. With everyone living in such close proximity then there needs to be an understanding. I find if you come into a conversation in the 'I' position that people tend to listen better. My best to you!!

Hi D.!

I have been through this, even with my own mother!! I dont know if you have other issues with your mother-in-law but something I have learned is that my mother-in-law doesnt try to parent for me, she just tries to help me. Sometimes when you are so fed up with your child it helps to walk away and get someone elses perspective on things. One day I was out with my mother-in-law and my 3y/o daughter and she threw the biggest fit, I had no idea what to do and was so mad, all my MIL had to do is have a talk with her and all was well my daughter even apologized for her behavior!! Thank goodness MIL!! It seems like sometimes my child listens to everyone but me! So again I dont know if your mother-in-law is always over stepping her bounds and this was the last straw, but believe it or not she cares about you and your child and wants you to be happy, unless you got a real witch for a mother in law. It IS Christmas time. I do think you need to talk to her, not apologize, just explain whats going on with your son and that she caught you at a bad time. Also it sounds like your living situation is a little stressful too (sorry). But at the end of the day you are all still family and you all will work it out! Good luck. Merry Christmas!

First of all GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground and being firm. What is it with mother's in Laws who think they can just come and go and parent your kids as they please? She needs reinforcement from you that your opinion about the matter stands and that she indeed has NO right to do that! Ask her to put herself in your shoes. How would she feel if her mother in law did that? Its inappropriate and unwelcome. She had the ability to parent as she chose whether anyone else felt it was right or wrong and you have that right too. Definitely talk to her about it but hold your ground once more. Youre the one in the right here, not her. Good for you!