Mom's Opinion on Child Talking to Absentee Father

Noramlly my opinion is every child has a right to know their parents...being a single Mom is tough and raising a child with love and care is even harder when you're trying to create a civilized environment with the other parent. The fact that he left and signed away his rights makes me think it's not okay that he gets these conversations, a privelage he wrote off. But, the other part of me thinks, it's no big deal at least he DOES talk to his child...right?

I think since you are so close to the paternal Grandma you should express your concern to her. Talk to her about how this might affect him long term, what they kind of issues are that you are worried about. It doesn't hurt to talk about it. Follow your heart, and do what you think is best for your little guy.

I would fear, as a single Mom, that he would lose interest in the calls and then you have to explain WHY Daddy isn't there anymore. This would be so hard for me to decide!! He can't just volley in and out of the child's life as he wants. It's not fair to his child and it's not okay. Kids need consistent role models and routines and if he walked away, then what rights does he deserve...if any?

I hate to pull the legal card, but have you talked to someone about legal advice and how this should work? You might want to get some advice from that side, but I think if you talk to the Grandma you guys should be able to work something out.

Good Luck!

H.,
My advise is to just let the phone calls continue and make no big deal out of them. If, you tell them to stop, it will become a sneeky thing or you will have to not let the grandparents see him. Neither of which it sounds like you want. I am a child of an absentee father...my mother never kept me away from him. I have seen him 3 times and talked to him on the phone about 10 times and Im now 40. I feel because she never kept me away from him, her and are closer. I got to see who he really was and choose to have a relationship with him or NOT.
I now have a son who's Dad is in his life but makes promises that he never keeps. I use to try to protect him and make excuses but even though it is crushing for my son to be disappointed I have stop covering for his Dad. They just have see the person for who he is and we have to be there to give our kids loving support.

Hi H.:
I was a single mother of two sons,and I first want to commend you,for what I know to be A extremely difficult,challenging,yet rewarding position.My situation was similar to yours,in that the boys father moved away,and had little to do with their lives.You made An unselfish and compassionate decision in continuing to keep your sons extended family in his life.You will be thankful,and have no regrets,as he grows older,and becomes better adjusted as a result.A big difference between your situation and mine is My sons were 7 and 9,and their father HAD been a part of their lives up to that point.They wanted A relationship with their father,and he asked to see them (One month out of the year,during the summer).I have asked myself on more than one occasion if those visits,so far and in between were beneficial to them at all.I thought it Vidal,they learn the man he was,and determine on their own,if they felt the need to continue A relationship with him.If your son had established A bond with his father,I'd say Yes,it would be of benifit for him to talk to him. It would be healthy for him to continue to feel loved and cared about by this man. However this isn't the case.Your son is a mere 2 1/2 years old,and he doesn't know him. He can't miss having him in his life,if he was never in it.Sticking him on the phone,with this man,will not only confuse him,but trouble him. If he's my daddy,why isn't he here? If he's my daddy why doesn't he ever see me,like other kids dads? The only reason,he has mentioned him, is because of actions your extended family has taken.While I am all for keeping family in his life,I think it far more important,for you,as his mother to protect your son,from anything or anyone who would create confusion,or hurt.Regardless of their intentions. They may believe,this gesture A loyal one toward the father. They may have this need, for your son to know who his father is,however, this is not their decision to make.I would have a sit down with Grandma,and tell her,that you feel it's important your son have A close relationship with her and family,but that your son is in your custody,and any contact with his father is ultimately your decision.If you feel its in his best interest,if and when he ever asks about his father,it will be at that time,YOU decide. He's only 2 1/2,and you do not want them confusing your son,or hurting him,by making him believe he has A father out there somewhere who didn't care enough about him to stay close,but will get on the phone,and without authority,or any ties tell him how to act,or when to potty train.If they go against your wishes,I'd cut off visits till he was older. Your his only protection.I wish you and your darlin son the best. J. M

I know this has to be really difficult for you, but I think you should let it go. I would imagine that your ex's mom is upset with her son for missing out on her sweet grandson's life and maybe this is her way of coping. I think she means well. By all means, you can talk to your ex's mom about your concerns. You might feel better if you get it off your chest, but I don't think you should tell her to stop the calls.

I am afraid that if you take these phone calls away from your son, one day when he is older he will find out about them and blame you for severing his relationship with his father. Your son is only 2 1/2 right now, but soon he will start asking the hard questions. He will ask his father why he doesn't visit or write or have much to do with him. Either your ex will feel guilty and make a better attempt at being a father or your son will be hurt by the answer. Either way, you won't be to blame for any of it.

I know it's awful that your son might get hurt and that you will be the one to comfort him by yourself. I think that way is best because in protecting him from getting hurt, he might turn on you. He might blame you for the absence of his father from his life. Since you are all he really has, he needs to know that he can always go to you and always trust you. Don't give him a reason to resent you. I don't think he would be angry at you for NOT stopping the phone calls, but there is a potential for him to be angry if you DO stop them. Let your son decide this for himself when he is old enough.

I wish you the best with this tough situation/decision!

Well, been there, done that. I can tell you from experience that the 2 min phone call isn't going to "cause damage." In fact, you might want to consider calling your ex every night at say, 8 p.m. and putting the boy on the phone to have nightly conversations with daddy. That's what I did, until the oaf figured out that he, too, could pick up the phone and call the kids on his non-custodial nights. Now, its a part of our routine. And, I do the same thing when the kids are with him.

Boys need a father (or, father figure). Eventually, he may come around and do things with the boy. I've seen this time and again that when the kids are little, men just don't know what to DO with them. Once they get old enough to do stuff, then the game changes. Actually, for the better.

My ex has really come a long way as a father. My boys will have their own relationship with him that is all their's. And, saddly, they have an alternate universe with me. Amazingly, they have gotten accustomed to 2 households, 2 ways of doing everything. Like a split reality. They're 19, 12 and 9 and we've been a broken family for 5 years now. Not exactly my choice, and lemons, lemonade, you know the drill.

With my oldest, and product of my first marriage, I fired the husband and kept the kid. We split up when I was pregnant after a 10 year relationship/marriage. I used to allow any access he wanted with the boy, as long as 1) he never drove a car with the kid; and 2) his parents, with whom I had an excellent relationship, supervised ALL visits. Usually, that daddy just showed up late, hung-over and seeking attention. He barely interacted with the kid at all, leaving it all to the bimbo he ditched me for and his parents. My son was my mother-in-law's only blood granchild, so she was very good to him (despite the fact that she never stood up to her dirtbag son and insiste that he grow up and 'do the right thing'....grrr...we had to agree to not ever talk about it...which made it bearable.)

Here's the thing someone wise told me: If you keep the kid away from his father, the kid will end up hating YOU. If you put down, disparage or say anything bad about dad, then the kid will consciously AND UNconsciously want to DEFEND him, because he is, after all, the result of half of his efforts. Supposedly, its a 'natural inclination' for kids to want to defend their dads. So, tread lightly there. Even if you're talking about it in the next room and you think the kid can't hear you or understand what you're saying. They do and they can. Have those conversations with girlfriends, your mother, etc., when the kid is not on property, so-to-speak.

With ex #1, I was terrified to let my firstborn go with the nutbag dad, so I orchestrated visits that made ME feel comfortable.
I forced the issue with ex #2 and put the kids on the phone every night, and it blossomed from there. As much of a jerk as he was, its worked out well re the kids. Sometimes there comes a moment when a man falls in love with his child. If you're lucky, it happens when they're an infant. For some, it happens later. Maybe you can make that happen by orchestrating nightly contact. That's what worked for me.

Best of luck to you,
C.

Hi H., I would stop the calls, your son being able to talk to his father is his birth given right, it's not about you or your x, it's about your son, i can share stories with you all day about how children boys and girls turn out when their dads are not in their lives, through raising 3 kids, and our home being a refuge for our kids friends who's fathers were not in their lives, and felt like they had no where else to go, and doing daycare for 12 years, I have seen the devestating results of fatherless children. I'm not saying that every child who lives in a single parent home will have serrious issues, but what I am telling you is I have seen more trouble children who's dads are not in their lives, than well rounded kids who's fathers are not in their lives, I don't know where my kids would be right now, had their dad not been in their lives. J. L.

HI H., I am sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, as long as dad is not harmful or a threat to him, let him speak to him. That is his dad and he will want to know him eventually. There are many relationships where kids grow up and they know, dad is just out there and that is just dad. You are mom and no one will ever take that from you. You are obviously the more responsible party and your son will know this. From what you tell, you are the one who is threatened by this and for what appears to be no reason.

I raised my oldest on my own for a while. Her father did not want anything to do with her and when he showed interest, the interest was in me. I believe more so to do whatever possible to get out of child support. I had absolutely no interest in him and eventually he threatened to take her from me, both legally and illegally. I believe he was just trying to get me to back off. The times she did see him, he was drunk or drugging and didn't seem to know how to react to her.

Because he and I could not get along and she did not know him, I told him he would have to visit with a guardian. He told me to forget it, if I would not be there he wasn't going to visit her. I truly do not believe his interest was in the baby. As an adult, she knows many of he details and she has no interest in visiting with him.

Kids just know. I think a conversation with his dad will not hurt, nor lead to anything.