Losing My Home and My Marriage

Try co-abode.com. I think that's the address. It's set up by single moms for single moms. They five you the opportunity to find other single moms with kids for roommate situations & so on. I've never used it but almost needed to about 3 years ago. Good luck honey! :)~M.

First of all, I am so sorry all of this is happening at once.
What I would do is sell the house. It sounds like you can't afford it, it doesn't seem like your ex has a job so he can't keep it. You shouldn't bust your butt working 3 jobs just to keep the house. Your kids are going to need you now to make them feel stable even though you don't feel stable. Get an apartment. You may have to move in a small one and the kids may have to share a room. But you need a place you can afford. Once you are settled, you can begin to save to buy a house.
My girls and I live in a converted garage apartment - its what I can do for now. Its not ideal, but it's shelter.
Things will be tight financially for a while. You'll have to cut down and cut corners. I know it sucks (believe me). The main goal is to get on your feet.
As for your family, i am sorry they are not being supportive, but you can do this. From your letter you sound like a hard worker who does what needs to be done. think of how proud you will feel when you do it on your own. :) ((((HUGS))))

HI R.

First, I'm sorry for all the trouble you are having in your life right now. I'm sure this is going to very difficult for you...but you will get thru it! My neighbor who is also 34, is a single mom of two girls from two different fathers. Her second husband just up and left her two years ago without warning. Neither father pays child support. she has been struggling really hard the last couple of years. She is going to join a program called "Project Self Sufficiency". Its a non-profit organization designed specifically with single moms in mind. It it aimed to help them be self sufficient so they can take care of themselves and their children without the need for a man. You should check it out online. I'm sure if you did just a search under that name, you will find it. I can email my friend as well and ask her for the website. You can get help in repairing your vehicle, they offer computers, school clothes for kids, food, all kinds of things. They will also help you take classes.
You should check it out...hopefully it will be something you can use.

Take care and good luck!
S.

Hello R.,
Well, I notice you mention that he handle the bills. I think you need to know HOW he handle the bills. Because there have been cases when people go through a divorce is when they see how their money was handle. And because you both are married, if he has bad credit and so forth, it could mean you do to. If he does have stuff out there, see about how you can have him take full responsiblity of it when you get your divorce papers written up. And yes, the ladies are right. You have been doing well with all the stuff you have endured. So please do not think less of yourself. BE STRONGE!! Look in the mirror and tell yourself how wounderful of a person you are and you will get over this. AND BELIEVE IT!! You see when you allow yourself to be full of that neg feelings, your children see it. And that is not how you want your children to see you. You know you are better!! And yes, being a divorcee, it does feel as though you are losing it or you want to ball up and cry. If you need, go to the corner and cry let it all out. It does help and once you are done, then take another few moments to think about how much you have gotten done. And pray as well. You will see that you do feel better. After all that pick yourself up and fight again!!! It will pay off. Do you go to church? If so, you must of know someone whom you like. See if they are willing to allow you to stay with them until you get things done. You can always offer to pay them some kind of rent. I believe that god does put people in our path, it is just when we are going through such a hard time we can not see them. Talk to your pastor to. See if he can help you in some direction. Also go and see if you can qualify for some kind of gov't assistence. Even if it is for a few months, maybe that is what you need. You can see if you qualify for some kind of housing assistence. Also talk to a lawyer or some kind of legal aid and see what you can get from your husband. He will have to pay child support to you. And he should be paying you something right now. I do hope somehow I have helped you in someway. BE STRONG... And if you fall down just brush off the dirt and get up again!! Wish you lots of luck!

Hi R.,

If you have a home business, you will be fine. You may have to budget for a while, but things will eventually get better. You need to take it one day at a time without thinking about what the future will hold. You create the future for yourself now. You sound like a very strong woman. You will do just fine.

Good luck!
B.

Wow, you are going through so much right now. But it sounds like you're really holding it together nonetheless. My first suggestion came to me while I read your request and I hope it helps...
Check out your neighborhood legal aid. They usually don't charge fees or they might be on a sliding scale according to your income.
Also, you can get support for your local woman's shelter. I know that may sound drastic but that's what they are there for. They'd be more than willing to help you and your children.
I wish the best for you and your children. And since I know you believe in God, make sure you touch base with him and let him know how your doing in your daily prayers. God has made miracles happen in my life and I know you know what I mean...

Dear R.,

I'm so sorry things aren't working out for you right now. Finances will bring down any marriage; it's one of the many reasons why men divorce or commit suicide. I don't know if this is any consolation, but I'll be praying for you and your family. Marriage is very tough and financial troubles can make it tougher. Only God can mend a broken marriage and finances. I hope you'll be able to seek help if family isn't going to be supportive. Please contact a local church...since you live in Rancho Cucamonga, you may want to ask for prayer and advice from the church we used to attend there: Calvary Chapel Rancho Cucamonga.

You dont make enough? How were you able to support everyone, including your soon to be ex husband when he wasnt working? If you could do it then (w/out his help) then what would be different now? Also, he is obligated to pay child support so right there should give you another source of income? Are you kids old enough to be in school? If so, work while theyre gone during the day and manage your other 2 jobs in the evenings when you can be with them. This should help w/ daycare expenses or see about getting assistance even for just a short period of time while you get your feet on solid ground. Theres different kinds; daycare, medical, financial and food stamps...maybe you just need 1 or 2 or maybe all for awhile? Good luck and keep us updated :-)

Hi R.,

Remember that even if he's not a family oriented man, he is still obligated to pay you child support and possibly alimony. It's a shame that things have fallen apart so much, your children need both parents. I hope for their sake that he doesn't abandon them. It sounds like he's just wimping out when things get rough. Anyway, I'm wondering if it might be an option for you to live with your parents for a while so you can get yourself financially stable. You seem to be a dedicated mother and I'm sure you can make it work. Your life is about to change dramatically so hang tough and do your best to be strong and loving for your children. Keep reminding yourself that there is no option other than success. You have three little ones who need you more than ever.

Hi R.,

It looks like you got some good advice, so I will just say a prayer for you.

C.

Hi,

NEVER TRUST A MAN TO MANAGE THE HOUSEHOLD BILLS! BEEN THERE,DONE THAT, AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!

Bills sould always be paid together. That way, everybody knows the financial situation.

NEVER GET A JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT!

Put your money in your own account and pay your share of the bills directly to the companies. Do not give him any more of your income. PROTECT YOUR PERSONAL ASSETS!

The first thing that you need to do is gather all of your bills and find out exactly what the situation is. Call your creitors and find out. Many are willing to work with you, and there will be some that won't but you need to evaluate everything yourself.
DON'T TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT!

Did you buy your home when prices were low or high. If there is a fear of losing the house, then sell it and the 2 of you can split the profit and start off fresh, if you bought it when the market was low.

You need to take charge of the situation. Don't take your husbands word for anything.

Seek out resources in your area. If your kids are school age, find out if there school has an after-school program. It is much cheaper than privite daycare. If you have little ones than call your local Childcare resource center to find out if you qualify for anything.

You may want to consider caring for a few children also for extra income. You do not need a license to care for the children of one family.

I hope this helps you and good luck with everything!

D.

I can't tell you how much my heart aches for you and your situation. If I were is your place I would contact the pastor at my church. He may have resources and connections to assist you (and hubby if you have ANY desire to work things out). I don't know if it's possible, and by the sounds of what you indicated I would guess not, but is there the possibility you could refinance the home again and use the equity to pay the morgage until you can sell it? This may be a way for you and (ex?)hubby to avoid a Forclosure on your credit. My Mom and Dad had to refiance to get out of a forclosure once. They ended up having to pay something like 8.75% intrest, but it kept us in the house we'd been raised in! I made more money my Sr. year of HS than both my parents- COMBINED! They both got laid off, and my Dad FINALLY admitted that he was blind. My Mom took 14 months to finally land a job that wasn't temp. Most of my money went straight to the family bills. And, although at times I feel scorned because I didn't get the same privledges my older sibblings did (like a car on their 18th b-day, as aposed to my pair of socks... NO JOKE!) I also take pride in what that resposniblity lead me to become as an adult. Sorry, I got off topic...

Anyway, as one of my best friends is ALWAYS telling me when I get wound up about something: Let go, and Let God! It is His will that must be done.

One more thing I'd like to share is a poem by an author unknow:
Broken Dreams
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I stuck around and tried to help in ways that were my own.
At last I snached them back and cried "HOW CAN YOU BE SO SLOW?!"
"My Child" He said "What could I do? You never did let go."

I don't know if this helps or not, but I will keep your family in my prayers as I remember. God Bless, you and the family! ~J.

I'm so, so sorry about this. I personally think you CAN provide for them. Get an apartment, NO cable, NO housephone(you don't need one if you have a cell phone, I haven't had one for 3 years). With a full time income, and side jobs, AND child support, you can make it. The only thing I can say is, Trust that God will see you through. You need to take charge of the finances ASAP and do everything you can to be positive and loving towards your kids. I wish you all the best of luck.

This is the best thing that could ever happen to you. One less person on your back. One less babie in the house. One less person to clean up after. One less person to cook for well you get the point. Dont forget that a women is much stronger than a man. You might not be able to have the same life style as you did with your husband but you sure will be happier, and trust me thats what its all about. Plus you should never say that you cant look at your kids in the face. You are the one and only person that would do anyhting for them. Take pride in that.

I had the same problem. I earn about $15K a year and live in pricey So Cal. Fortunately, with my share of the equity of the family home, I was able to purchase a nice mobile home in a quiet family park in a great neighborhood. I have more space than an apartment and only pay $650 in space rent, which is cheaper than even a studio apartment out here.

You may also qualify for food stamps, welfare, discount lunches for the kids at school, free or low cost daycare and free health insurance. Don't be afraid or too proud to get help from the state... that's what it's there for. Look in your phone book or online for the appropriate agencies

Also, even if your ex is out of work, the courts determine child support based on how much he WOULD be earning, not how much he currently makes, and he can't get out of that.

Investigate all your options, make a plan, and then have faith that you and your kids will be fine. Look how much you've accomplished already! You supported the family when he was out of work, and kept things afloat... you can definitely do this without him getting in the way and brining things down. Trust that you will find a way, and then just DO it! You'll be surprised how easy it is once you do.

Fear kept me in my marriage four years longer than I should have been.... now that I'm out, I may struggle a bit sometimes, but for the most part all my bills get paid, my credit is great, and I have a roof over our heads, food in the pantry and a working car. Just do some research, find out what all your options are and make a plan that works best for you.

Some places to look:

Legal Aid society (free or low cost legal advice)
Your local courthouse (often offers free legal clinics as well as referrals to local agencies)
Your local social services department (welfare, food stamps, section 8, job assistance)
Local charities (low cost housing, furniture, housewares and clothing)
Your local hospital, health care center or city services department (often offer free classes or referrals to local agencies or charities)
City, county and state websites offer lots of information and links to agencies that can help!

I don't know how single mom's do it. Hopefully your husband will provide child support, and some alimony to help you. Make sure you get what you deserve in the divorce! Fight for those kids. I'm not religious, but you mentioned God in your profile, so I'd suggest you turn to your pastor or someone in church for some support and/or advice. Good luck - stay positive!
K.