Kids Constantly Fighting

Every young family I know who have used the book Siblings Without Rivalry have found it extremely helpful. I haven't read it, because there are no young siblings in my life, but I love another book by the same authors called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Fantastic techniques that have been working wonderfully with my 4 1/2 year old grandson.

I don't mean to sound nasty, but why in the world would you want to marry a guy that chastises your daughter? To find someone to marry, they need to take your children in as their own and love and appreciate them as their own, even if they have children and they are fighting. You and your husband-to-be need to work together on your parenting not pointing fingers. I would run away from this guy as fast as I could. Your child's well-being is much more important.

If your fiance is "hitting" his child, you need to report him to child protective services. If he is spanking, that's a different story. He needs to respect how you've chosen to discipline your daughter just like you need to respect his choice. Calling it "hitting" tells me that you look down on the practice, even though a vast majority of Americans consider it acceptable and effective.

Since both of these kids are living in the same house, however, disciplining them differently will only cause problems (like resentment) between the two. You and your fiance need to talk this through and come to some sort of agreement for the sake of your children and your sanity. Both of you fighting over this and harboring negative feelings towards each other's children is only going to poison your relationship. Not to mention it's a toxic environment to raise the kids in.

Communicate with each other and seek counseling if needed. And maybe take a good hard look at the man you're going to marry and ask yourself if the two of you are really all that compatible.

This might sound harsh, but I would be having doubts about staying involved and marrying this man. Do you really want to be married to someone who believes in hitting his child and thinks that you should be doing it too? Someone who apparently thinks so little of your own daughter? Someone that you feel you cannot communicate with because it's going to get him upset? Really? Being married and being parents means trying to get on the same page when it comes to things like discipline and learning to compromise and support each other, not undermine or belittle each other. If you still think you should have a future together, I would strongly suggest couples counseling. Go by yourself if he will not. But if he is not willing to consider it, that might be another reason to not stay with him. Sorry, but there are plenty other better fish in the sea.

I agree with Steph C...you need to have a consistent way to discipline the children...I recommend Love and Logic...www.loveandlogic.com..there are several books on the technique. If you really intend on being a family you guys have to stop segmenting this is my child and this is your child....one way to turn each others feelings towards the other's child is spend individual time with his son and him with your daughter so you can develop a personal relationship with the kids...then also do things as a family. As for working on your communication between the two of you I love the book Love and Respect...you can find it on CD, as well. To often we get into power struggles with one another and nobody is willing to back down to diffuse the situation...this book talks about this and in how to communicate with each other...Good luck.

I'm nearly speechless. Did this fighting just begin and your fiance has just begun hitting his son and be dogmatic about how you should discipline your daughter? I suspect that you and your fiance have been fighting about this and other things for some time and perhaps the tension between the two of you is influencing the children. How are they to learn peaceful ways of being with each other if their parent's haven't figured it out yet?

If I were in your situation, I would cut my losses. First, I strongly believe that hitting in this situation and in this way is counter productive to helping your children learn how to get along. And I would never stay with someone who showed so little respect for me and my thoughts that they would angrily insist that I do what they say. Disagreements are OK. Not being willing to discuss them and decide upon a compromise is not OK!

Unless he's willing to take a parenting class, or read a book or two about discipline, and then work with you, giving you as much respect as he expects for himself, while working out a discipline plan that you can both live with, I see no way of having this situation change.

Starting the battle of my son, your daughter is a red flag. You both should be coming together to raise both children. If they are not agreeing, which most kids do, and normal at that age, then you both should evaluate based on the circumstance. The oldest was the center of attention, gets everything and the youngest probably adores her and wants what she has, but the oldest is refusing (probably has some resentment to his son) because at 4, his son is just playing, but for the 6yr old, she might be resenting the union of this no offense (this non-blood sibling) taking over her things. So I would talk to your daughter to see if she has anything bothering her with the fiance, and THEN discuss with your fiance how you both plan to be on the same page raising both kids. They don't need the bickering between you both, they can sense these things too.

Have you thought about not having them share toys? Maybe this is a territory fight more than anything that is personal towards each other. If you and your fiance are fighting about the kids behavior then you are probably modeling for them how you resolve conflict and nothing you tell them to do is going to put a stop to the bickering.
Read in a book (and think that its true) when you are angry (or as you say, PO'd) then you've just identified that you have a problem. The best thing you can do when you feel like this is step back; hold your tongue and figure out how to solve the problem so that you are working together instead of fighting .
So look at the problem like this:
Son picks
Daughter tells
(mom gets irritated after hearing this 50 bazillion time!)
All kids go through this and need to have rewards for being kind to eachother and inspiration and example to help them know why it is important to do the right thing. Then when they cross the line you need to come with your fiance what should happen next. (do this without the input of children...they respect adults more if the parents are the actual ones doing the parenting).

Realize that this is not a one time deal but dealing with bickering and bad behavior is something that is ongoing. Good plans can help, though.

First you are marrying a man but neither of you are aloud to discipline the others children? How is that going to work? If you want to be a family then you need to come up with a discipline that works both ways, find a compromise of sorts. But I completely agree it is wrong for his son to be punished while your daughter isn't. It doesn't work for several reasons
A. will make the boy resent her B. Make her get a big head & realize she can get him in trouble while she scoots away on easy street. C. it will cause even more problems in the kids relationship with the step parent.
As parents you must always show a united front, the kids sense when their is problems & can even manipulate the circumstances.
You both need to stop pointing fingers & placing blame but find a solution that works for you both.

Hi,
I am a parent educator and work with parents and couples. I agree with some of the other posts that you and your fiancee need to create harmony in your relationship first. There are several resources I would suggest: "Nonviolent Communication" (helps communication without arguing), "Hold Me Tight" (a book for couples about meeting each other's needs) are 2 good ones. If you live in the Austin area we have a monthly support group for people who want to learn Nonviolent Communication that is no charge.

As for the kids, here is an article on kids fighting from Kathryn Kvols who wrote the book and parenting class called 'Redirecting Children's Behavior":
http://incaf.com/articles/Help!_My_Children_Are_Fighting.pdf
Here is a sweet poem as well.
http://incaf.com/articles/A_Childs_Request.pdf

If you would like other resources (eg there is a class based on the kid's fighting article) feel free to contact me directly.
Blessings,
K.
"From the Heart" Family Healing
____@____.com

Get out of this relationship and just put your energy into caring for your daughter. Then, when it's time, pursue a relationship with a man with whom you are like minded about discipline and can operate as a team. You and he may feel "right" together right now, but the children are going to pay a high and painful price for it, and all four of you will end up miserable.

I apologize if this sounds harsh or unfeeling toward you. I don't mean that at all. Your daughter deserves more than this as things are, as does his son.

Try some of these suggestions and the link below has some more detail. Also look over the "Love & Logic" info under the "Links" section. Good luck!
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers, such as:

* “No, don’t run inside!” becomes, “What happened to our walking feet? Where do we use our running feet?” or “We will go outside soon and you can show me how fast you can run.”
* “No, don’t throw the blocks!” becomes, “When did our blocks grow wings?” or “Let’s try building a castle and see what happens!”

I have a suggestion that might seem out of the ordinary to you but we have been using it in my family for years. Whenever there was fighting between all the cousins we would suit up in pads and helmets and use padded sticks (the actual name escapes me ) we would all pair off but before we could use anything we had to state why we were unhappy with that person and that person had to say their reason. for every new hit a new reason has to come out.Once this happens the battle continues until either both parties are so tired they can't do it anymore or they have finally reached a point where they can reach a compromise. Maybe you could use a game like this or something to get out their frustrations with each other. I think the kids should be made to work this out between them and not continue to go to you guys for interference. That is not to say that you shouldn't be around in case anything gets out of hand!