Is Your Teen DD Emotional or Not- Does This Change?

I could never cry in front of other people when I was a teen..that would have been so embarrassing to me. I probably came across as unfeeling, but it was not true at all. I do think as an adult I am probably a lot more emotional, and I don't get embarrassed easily now. Also, as an adult you can really empathize with more people and scenarios. If she is the kind of kid who keeps it all inside and then cries in her room when she is alone...she just is not comfortable showing others these raw emotions. My son is 12 and he will pull away and act stoic sometimes when he is feeling upset...or angry even. It's interesting.

I don't cry in public, not even at funerals.

It doesn't mean I don't have emotions, it means I'm in control of them. Being able to hold it together while others fall apart is how people like me are able to help and be supportive. We cry later, privately, after the work is done.

When I was a teenager, my dad had cancer. I can honestly tell you - I sort of teared up when he told me, but that was it. I remember everyone saying "how strong" I was. And how mature. And how I was handling it well. No. I just wasn't in touch with my emotions.

For me, since I had babies, I'm a babbling idiot. I just feel for everyone. I sob (out loud) at the weirdest commercials. I see a baby elephant who can't find it's mom, and I loose it.

Your daughter is clearly sensitive and thoughtful, she participates in things to help others (whether in a group or on her own). Some people are more stoic, or just more private and don't wear their hearts on their sleeves. That doesn't make them cold. I don't know whether your MIL is really cold, or just really private about her emotions. But even if she has ice water in her veins, that doesn't mean your DD is like that. She's not turning her back on people.

She has a skill or temperament that actually may serve her well - she's not going to burst into tears if she is reprimanded by a supervisor or corrected by a teacher. She may be one of those who is confident and can hold her emotions in check, which means she may do very well in challenging circumstances. I think that's especially valuable for women who can get walked on or just embarrassed in stressful situations. I'm very confident now, but I was a super-blushing person as a teen. It really got in the way.

Your DD sounds fine to me, and the sort of person whom others probably admire! She hasn't been touched, say, by cancer or the possibility of death, and so she's not as devastated thinking of the "what ifs" the way your group of moms was.

I do think having a child changed me into someone who was more tearful - it just took me to a new level of love, being responsible for a little one.

Honestly I didn't really show my emotions until I became a mother. When I was pregnant/breastfeeding even a stupid Hallmark commercial would make me cry.
Your daughter sounds perfectly kind and normal to me (of course that's assuming *I* am normal lol!)

I work with a lady who cries at the drop of a hat.
And not only that but she has to go over it and over it and over it again.
It's like - ok, this situation hurts you, I get it - but it's like she's picking at a scab and can't cut it out.
I'm all about not getting overly emotional over just about everything.
While people are panicking, sobbing, running around like chickens with their heads cut off - I'm cool, collected, and calmly deal with what ever needs to be dealt with.
It's not a curse or a horror.
She might get more emotional as she gets older or after she has kids.
But she's absolutely FINE as she is - and you should be proud of her no matter what her emotional state is.

My daughter isn't 16 yet, she turns 15 next month. She is pretty stoic. Just her personality. She lost a friend (after a prolonged hospital stay following a terrible car accident in which 4 family members died) in 3rd grade. She cried really hard. For at least an hour. (on the day the news came.) She was sniffy and sad for a bit after. The day of the funeral, I took her, and she chose to view the body. We stayed for the entirety of the service, never leaving our seats. She did not shed a tear. I did, but she did not.

I'm not sure I've seen her cry since. She hasn't had her heart broken by a boy yet, so maybe she will have tears in her relatively near future, but I'm not expecting it one way or the other. I wasn't overly emotional as a teen, and no one ever saw me cry (AT ALL) until my husband. I was 26 when we started dating... and no one saw me cry before him, once I was past probably elementary school age. Doesn't mean I didn't cry. But no one ever saw it.

I wouldn't worry about it. She probably is very private. And is in control of her emotions rather than them controlling her. That's probably a good thing, not a negative.

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Reading a few of the other responses, I see that I am not alone. And also notice it seems to maybe correlate with being the rock during the crisis. That's me. When I got the call that my 60-some odd year old father had fallen 6 feet onto concrete, hit his head/shoulder, and had to be airlifted to a major hospital an hour away, I was the one (300 miles away) who sat at the computer and searched driving routes for those on the ground trying to meet the helicopter at the hospital. Who called around trying to find him when he was NOT at the hospital the family was told he was being taken to. The one who came later, and consulted with the nurses about details of his treatment, asked the pointed questions, demanded they respect the "log roll" instructions for his care when he was moved to a cardiac wing on day 3, when they didn't seem to understand he didn't have a cardiac issue, he had a spinal/shoulder injury. The one who drove my mom back and forth (they lived 50 miles from the hospital), and stayed with her, and drove her back to the hospital at 2:00 a.m., the one night she finally decided to go home and try to get some sleep (when she called to check on him and a nurse gave her status reports that sounded like a downturn).

I'm also the one who didn't show a horrified face to my 8 year old daughter when she came inside crying b/c she fell off her scooter and broke her permanent front tooth in half... but calmly looked at it, reassured her, and took steps to determine the best plan of action.

When seeing a car flip in the rain after almost clipping the back of a semi, going off the road to avoid clipping it, and over-correcting (from northbound interstate lanes through the median, in the air, into the middle of the 3 lane southbound interstate), I'm one who can move over 3 lanes, pull off, and call the state patrol, giving the mile marker, while checking my car for blankets for the driver who got out of the vehicle and looked pretty stunned/dazed.

So... yeah. Some people don't fall apart over things. I guess it can be a gift. Once I had kids (when they were little) I went through a phase where I was more teary. The movie Ransom (when the mom is on the phone and hears a gunshot and she assumes she just heard her child shot, and she goes to the sink and throws up... and the audience thinks the same) had me crying. Now that my kids aren't so small, I don't tear up at stuff like that much anymore.
I'd say you have no cause to worry, at least not from what you wrote here.

I NEVER cried when I was younger. Got married @ 25, & would watch those lifetime Wedding TV shows with my mom - she'd be bawling & I'm dry as a desert rock... My wedding evoked intense emotion from everyone... except me.

Fast forward a small amount of time, & all of a sudden, I cry at the drop of a hat. Frustrated that I'm not understanding material in my classes & won't do well on my exam? Tears. Worried that my husband isn't home yet, what if he got into an accident? Tears. Just thinking about the future when my heart dog won't be with me, Tears, Tears, Tears... First few people I knew who passed away, not impactful @ the time, but now I go to a funeral, Tears. Ambulance screams past me, prayers for the injured, & of course, Tears!

I think some people just need to have life-changing events in their life to give them the comparison, like I had with my wedding. I can truly say getting married was a turning point for me in experiencing emotional responses like that. T. :)

Some people just aren't as visually emotional as others. I personally don't cry very much but when I do, it's typically alone. I feel like that is a very personal outpouring of emotion & am not comfortable sharing it with other people. Perhaps it's because I've had too many people in my life that turned on the waterworks for show & to garner sympathy from others. In any case, I don't think I would worry about it as she isn't exhibiting inappropriate emotions.
May grace & peace be yours in abundance.

I think Diane B's answer is right on the mark. Calm in a storm is a real skill that a lot of us don't have. I burst into tears at really surprising times (menopause did a number on me), and I wish that I didn't. But I was a bawl-baby before menopause, too. It's part of my personality. However, in someone else's crisis? Somehow I'm level-headed enough to help or get help, even though I physically shake, which is embarrassing. Except for the stupid shaking, I'm glad that I can think straight enough to do what's needed. I've seen women scream so much when someone is physically hurt that you wouldn't know which person needs the help - them or the injured person. I'm grateful that's not me.

Perhaps you could sit down with your daughter at a career counseling session and talk about her ability to handle complex situations (don't mention no tears) and find out what kind of careers her abilities could apply to. Level-headedness is in real demand. It would help her in thinking about college in the next few years.

I was never a crier until I became a mother, and even now it's only certain things that get to me. I'm generally not sentimental at all, and I don't cry easily compared to many other people. I do care a lot about others, but I just show it differently. I have sons, not daughters, and one is much more emotional than the other.

I wish I was more like your daughter...menopause makes me cry more than I would like to. Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm crying. I even cried during a job interview. I answered the question, then I was thinking in my head, "that wasn't a good answer...I could've answered better than that....I know the answer to this, so why did I say that?...then the tears started flowing. Then I cried even more because I was so mad at myself for crying in the first place. It was horrible.

When I was growing up, I was the one who got things done. If there was a tragedy or death or something traumatic, I didn't cry or retreat under the covers. I had a friend who wailed and just shut down. But ever since I was a teen I was the one who got the meals organized, who called people to babysit for the family, etc. And during funerals, I helped my dad (he was a pastor) by driving his car so that he could ride with the bereaved family, helping arrange details with the funeral directors, and I organized countless post-funeral receptions and meals and errands.

I'm still like that. I am NOT the person you will get long comforting hugs, quiet bedside vigils, soothing words and lots of tears from. Of course, I can express my condolences appropriately and show compassion. And sometimes I cry later, much later.

But I know that my strengths lie in action, getting necessities accomplished, organizing help, thinking of details, enlisting assistance. While someone is sitting quietly, uttering soothing words, I'm getting groceries for the family, cooking, remembering to find out if they did this task or that (if Grandma is in the hospital, who's picking up her mail and who has canceled her weekly hair appointment, etc).

I think that some people are just like that. Nurses, for example, and emergency medical technicians and first responders. Yes, they may cry later but in the moment they are all business. It may seem uncaring to some. But the world needs all kinds - the soothers, the criers, the comforters, the detail-oriented, the stoic, the passionate. During a funeral, we need the people who sit and hold the hands of the grieving. We also need the people who realize that often during funerals, horrible cold-hearted thieves break into the home, knowing that everyone will be at the funeral, so these good-hearted people skip the funeral and maintain a presence at the home, probably mowing the lawn or washing the dishes.

It sounds like your daughter has a healthy balance - she cares, but she has a sense of calm during the storm.

I would worry if she didn't participate in things like the ceremony for the girl with the sick mom and instead complained that everyone was holding up the game. I'd worry if she couldn't show compassion to her friends and empathize with them.

Embrace her strengths and encourage her to develop her gifts - the ability to be compassionate but also to take action and be a source of strength and help. Calm in the storm. It's not a bad way to be.

My dd is a young adult, but she's always been quick to sob, to cry, and to fall apart. Her beloved dog died two years ago, but she still just weeps uncontrollably when a particular tv commercial comes on showing a dog that looks like hers. She'll think of something that reminds her of Grandpa (who passed away 15 years ago) and she'll cry.

It's just your daughter's personality. But I think it can change throughout a person's life. When I was a tween, I was very emotional -- crying during sad movies or sad stores, etc. Gradually, I became less and less emotional as I entered high school, into college, and through my late 20s. Then I had kids and it came back, but not as bad as it was before.

I wonder if your daughter is the strong one among her friends, the one that carries the rest. One of my girls is the strong one with others but the gates open at home. The other is very quiet and not emotional at all unless she get mad about something. I was very much the same. When I lost my sister, a my other sister commented that I am just like my mother, keeping it all to myself. I have actually found that I can handle changes and life stresses pretty well. Not saying I cannot get emotional but I think I handle things well.

My daughter doesn't cry either. She played a ton of sports and got banged up a lot and never cried. Never cries at bad news or movies, etc. But, until I had kids and my hormones went insane, I never really cried either. It didn't mean that I wasn't sad or empathetic, I just didn't express emotion in tears. Now I cry at almost anything.

I remember starting to feel emotional about that kind of thing around age 18. Before that it was as if I was numb a little bit, but I didn't realize it until I actually "felt" things later on. I had the appropriate amount of empathy about situations and felt bad for people, but I didn't experience it deeply until later on. After that, even commercials could move me and make me feel inspired or sad or whatever. Honestly I think it was a coping mechanism while I was young to get me through the tough parts without falling apart. Also, I was raised by parents who were generally very stoic. I don't remember ever seeing my mother cry when I was younger. Your daughter will be fine and Strong!