I realize that every class, grade, school, etc. has "that kid" - the one who's always getting reprimanded, written up, or sent to the principal's office. How, as parents, do you deal with this?
A friend of mine has a boy like that. He's constantly in trouble, regularly having "a bad day" and she has to hear about it from the bus driver, the teacher, etc. She's a good person and really is doing everything she knows how to, to get this kid under control. But what else can she do, I mean she's not with him every second of the day!
I really feel for her, and the teachers, bus driver, etc. And how do I explain to my own kids about "that kid" who's always goofing off, getting in trouble, etc. at their own school? Even my kids will comments about a different boy at school that "always in trouble" and "mean", etc. As a parent, what do you say to your own kids?
Note: I am not referring to any special needs kids, kids with ADHD, ADD, etc. I'm simply talking about kids in a regular public school program that don't seem to, well, get with the program.
Thank you all for your input and for NOT lambasting me. I want you mamas to know, I don't, usually, blame the parents. Like others, I of course wonder "What's up with that kid?" or "What's going on at his home?", but more often than not I see it as the child, not blaming anyone, but I see kids as rather independent little thinkers and doers. Us Moms can't be responsible for all the crazy things our kids say and do!!!
I just wonder what you do as a parent when you know you can't control your kid? I mean, for us, so far, our kids have turned out to be good listeners, good students, etc. I just don't know what I'd do if they weren't? I see parents struggling to get control of their kids - to make them study, behave, pay attention in class, etc., but what if the rewards and/or punishments don't work? I know people that have gone to doctors, psychologist, etc. and no one seems to have the answers.
I sincerely appreciate that everyone who answered was honest that they are trying and doing the best they can. They aren't making excuses for their kids, they are being nice and explaining what it's like to walk in their shoes.
Thank you to all for NOT expecting the whole world to adjust to your kid and for understanding what things look like to an outsider. I don't blame you parents. Of course I wonder what's going on when you see kids so out of control, but no one is blaming you. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to deal with the constant phone calls from school, judgements from others and complete frustration.
IMHO certain children (some boys especially) are not cut out for traditional school. That does not make them "bad" per se, and it's extremely unfortunate when they start to see themselves that way.
My 5 yr old is the class clown with a great big charming smile that teachers just shake thier head at and try to hold back a smile. He can be disruptive in class and the cafereria. It's hard to be mad at him because he is always smiling ear to ear and has a big heart. I get a lot of notes sent home and have had a lot of embarassing conversations with teachers. But, we implemented the behavior book at school and a behavior chart at home and he is drastically improved. He is very hyper, happy, outgoing, enthusiastic, just plain busy and loud. It's been hard to harnass all that energy, but he's getting there.
I handle it by taking any and all advice the teachers have to offer and enthusiastically working with them to try and be in concert on our efforts. It has really taken an alliance of me and the school working together to get him pointed in the right direction. It's been humbling to say the least, but it's all for his good.
I know you said you aren't referring to children that are ADHD, etc. however I want to tell you what it's like to be the mother of a son (my son has been in a number of evaluations and therapy for different labels - what's going to fit we still don't know but working on trying to figure everything out) who gets into trouble at daycare and on the bus and many times school........I've gotten calls from teachers - his counselors calling teacher, etc. to work it out, etc. I realize the teachers and daycare workers know we are working on behaviors and we are on board with them to make things easier for everyone - mainly my sons challenges.......
So, to get to the answer to what it's like - exhausting, alienating, saddening, you have to grow a thick skin (mine hasn't filled in yet). I always thought my mom was supportive but last summer after spending a long weekend at my parents (near springfield) my mom calls to tell me "your son is out of control, if you don't do something no one is going to want to be around him (and other things)" Most frustrating is she was aware of the fact that we'd been working for quite some time to enforce behavior and getting much outside help. So, knowing those thoughts are in my own mothers mind I know there's got to be worse that comes from others. I feel constantly judged and inadequate as a mother.
So, for me, that's what it's like to have 'that child'
I think it's an unfortunate truth that parents, teachers, bus drivers, etc. are quick to "label" a child as "bad"!
I see it all the time. There are kids at my son's school, when their name is mentioned gets eye rolls, sighs, shoulder shrugs, etc. That's sad. Some might be justified, but at elem. school age--are any kids really "BAD"?
I see the chosen angels get away with the same things regularly--but they've not been labeled--so nothing happens.
I think adults and even other kids set up this cycle of negative expectation--a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts and it's sad to see.
I'm sorry--I have no idea how to break the cycle.
My personal rule is that when I see or otherwise observe first-hand, bad behavior, I believe it.
My kids go to a city school with many kids who don't have a "perfect" home life. Yes - there have been "problem" kids. When my son first came home in (I think) kindergarten and started talking about what "this boy" did and that he was "bad", always getting in trouble etc. I explained to my son that kids are at the mercy of their parents and homelife. And unfortunatly, some of these kids don't have a good homelife - no one who will help them with homework, make them a good meal, make sure they are clean, tuck them in bed at night etc. I said, lots of times, this is why these kids act out - they don't know any better. Yes, they should be punished, but they are not "bad" people. If you know better you should have empathy for these kids who have problems controlling themselves. They don't really want to get in trouble, it's just hard for them to make the right choices sometimes. My son, now in 4th grade has befriended one of these "bad" boys from his K class. They don't hang out alot or anything - my son has been his study buddy and helped him with school work and stuff.
I see it as like a "spread the wealth" mentality. Those who are good, should share it. That's what I try to teach my kids.
If she is doing everything that "she knows how to" and it's not working, then she needs to learn more tools - take a parenting class etc.
My oldest just started Kindergarten and the first few weeks of school were very trying for us, him and the teacher. He was sent to the principals office on the 2nd day of school, we had notes sent home, we even met with the teacher and the principal for him being disruptive in class, pushing, etc. We implemented a behavior contract, had the counselor meet with him once a week, and had regular contact with the teacher.
This month, he was Student of the Month, is off the behavior contract, and has been doing really well. We all agreed he just had a hard time adjusting to his new school, rules, people, etc. because he never had problems before, and he's actually a really good, respectful, smart kid. I think every situation is different and how you handle it as a parent will make the biggest difference in whether it continues or stops. We made sure to use positive reinforcement and had goals, such as 1 week of good behavior get to go somewhere on the weekend, 1 month of good behavior and we went to Legoland. Apparently it worked, and hopefully we won't have these issues, I'm sure we'll have others though :)
My first thought was, "I wonder what condition is causing all of this?" It sounds like this child hasn't had a medical evaluation yet to see if there may be an undiagnosed condition causing all of the drama?
It isn't normal to be "that kid." That's a major red flag for those of us with kids with special needs. That is exactly what clued us in to our son's medical challenges.
I would definitely recommend an evaluation by a psychiatrist to at least rule out any medical reasons for the problems.
My son is in a regular public school in a regular class with regular kids and he's bipolar. Just because a child has a condition like ADHD and such doesn't mean they can't be in a regular school. But to answer the question no my child surprisingly isn't the child in trouble.
What Melissa said..... EXACTLY! She really nailed it.
I'm a mom of that kid. He's had various letters attached to his name throughout his school career. Being the mom of that kid means every time caller ID says the school is calling getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's gotten to the point where they know to start off the conversation by saying "Good news Mrs. H...." so that I can relax and have a conversation. I'm also the mom of the "Other" kid, with no letters associated with her - she comes home with smiley faces on her papers and glowing reports from her teachers. So I have experience on both sides of the behavior spectrum.
Yep, I'm the mom of "that" kid. And the mom of a (most of the time) perfectly behaved little genius.
I've learned over the last 3 years while he has been in school that a lot of it is just his curious, enthusiastic personality. Yes, it gets him in trouble sometimes...at least a few days a week. Mostly just disruptive...sometimes he does something wrong and we hear about it.
Today...he was just being smart - instead of pushing his chair along like all the other kids, he raised it above his head to make it easier to get through the crowd. Got a discipline mark for it, yes. But only to teach him that it was not safe.
Our solution was to move him out of the public school and into a smaller character focused public charter. Their approach to the child is different. No longer a number in the crowd. But a beautiful person with specific needs and talents.
And because he now feels loved and appreciated in school, his academics have improved so fast. He is now, almost caught up with the other kids, after only a month.
Yes, my 5 year old daughter is a total nut. She is the class clown and will do anything for a laugh. She is also a young kindergartner (summer birthday) and tends to be a little on the immature side. But she is also sweet, loving and kind to her classmates. She does not do anything hateful or hurtful, just goofy and frequently disruptive. She has her folder signed just about every day for talking, being loud in the halls, playing with things in the classroom, dancing or moving at inappropriate times.
We reinforce the teacher's discipline plan at home with loss of a small privilege and talk about and role play replacement behaviors. I also understand that she is a silly, immature little girl with a lot of energy and give her some room to just be that.
I have faith that between our help and just growing up a little, she will get the hang of it. She wants to behave (she has said as much) and I want her to continue to want to be a good girl at school. If it is too much of a negative experience, she will just give up.
I think this scene from Alice in Wonderland is a very apt description:
Fortunately no. My oldest daughter has always been very mature and very well behaved, my second daughter im afraid will be the class clown. She is naturally funny and will defy authority without a moments thought if it gets her a laugh.
My friends son is the kid who is always getting into trouble though, but she has in a very unstable situation and she could use some serious parenting classes. My daughters friend down the street is always grounded and always getting into trouble and her parents are quite good i would say. They are nice, consistent people.
