Intimacy After Baby

Updated on July 24, 2008
M.J. asks from Vista, CA
66 answers

I'm a little embarrassed to ask this question, but perhaps someone else is wishing it would get asked.

Has anyone had difficulty getting back to their relationship with their husband after having a baby? Baby girl is now 4 months old and we have not been intimate since before she was born. DH is being patient, but I know he is a bit frustrated. He tells me that he misses me. We are both first time parents and we have had some trouble adjusting; he recently told me he felt stressed out and sometimes didn't look forward to coming home from work. I have certainly gone through my period of feeling like a prisoner with a newborn and a little resentment over his being able to have a "normal" day at work while I was home. I think we have gotten past that now. I started working from home with some help from a babysitter, and am now starting full time again. I think he feels a little bit of jealousy with the baby getting attention he used to have all to himself. We are definitely still feeling we don't get enough sleep, but I'm the one who is really exhausted all the time. So that's a big part of not feeling like doing anything aside from sleep. But I also simply don't feel the desire. I wonder a little bit if it has anything to do with the mini-pill, or if this could be a symptom of a very mild post-partum depression. I also had some discomfort when we gave it a try (abandoned) before - with my late epidural, I feel like I don't really know what happened during birth - but I was given the "ok" at my 6 week checkup. I haven't seen anyone talk about this anywhere, so I just don't know if this is normal... will things just return in time? I don't want this to affect our marriage.

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So What Happened?

Wow, have we struck a universal chord! I was so relieved to hear that SO MANY women have gone through this... and like one respondent said, "our poor mothers and grandmothers who didn't have the internet and probably felt very alone". It is certainly valuable to know about these less spoken of side effects of breastfeeding. And how could I not realize that everyone who has gone through birth would have healing to go through? There was certainly a split between those of the opinion that hubby should be patient and those that felt his needs must be met. But I think we all agree on the little loving expressions that make the relationship what it is: after the first day of responses I made sure to kiss DH each time I kissed the baby and he was a little surprised and then very pleased. It led to more flirty gestures and cuddling that made us both feel good. I know it will escalate from here as we can get the baby to sleep and have more time together. THANKS for all the kind words of support... you really took the time to send some very thoughtful and caring advice. It's amazing how important it is just to feel validated!

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K.O.

answers from San Diego on

Just know first off that everything you are feeling is normal. I actually took a whole year off when my son was born aand went back after 8 months because I was so unhappy staying home. I loved my baby but resented my husband and frankly, I was bored. As for the intimacy, I hate to say it, but after each of my kids I wasn't reaaly into enjoying that again until I was done breastfeeding (about a year). We were intimate in that year, but it didn't really get better until my hormones reregulated. Good luck

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J.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M., I just basically went through this. I pretty much chalked it up to being tired, overwhelmed, etc. Plus I think that breastfeeding has a lot to do with it. I am not suggesting you quit or anything like that. But just so you might know where its coming from. Some of the hormones that come with breastfeeding also suppress desire. I just recently stopped BF my 8 mo. old [low supply, now she prefers formula =0(] and within a few weeks things are back to/better than normal. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you can muster up any energy whatsoever I suggest you try, try, try to do it anyway. The more you try the more you want it. Also, it is totally normal to feel nervous about what is going on down there. Try to relax, or it will just be worse. hang in there. it just takes time and understanding.

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C.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

The longer you wait the less you will be interested. I don't know if you noticed before babies, but the more you have sex the more you want it. I would force myself the first couple times and then you will get back into the swing of things. You don't want this to be the beginning of a divide between the two of you.

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R.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

Ok.... totally normal feeling! Now that we've gotten that off the table, you need to remember that as nervous as your feeling, don't forget about the wonderful man that helped you create that beautiful baby. Although I stay home, I'm not going to pressure to do that, but you do have to realize that you have one more addition to what was previously 2 person family. And men need to have sexual intimacy, as we women crave cerebral intimacy. You could start out by just letting him have a turn, until you feel comfortable with your body. My husband and I started by just "making out". And I'll tell you, it felt like when we were just dating, and I was happing just to have him want me. And think of it this way, you just gave birth to a baby, and he WANTS YOU anyways. Sometimes we have to fake our feelings if it means we are doing something nice for somebody else, and isn't it more so for the men who are willing to slay dragons for us?

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T.

answers from Las Vegas on

M.,

I think this is really normal, especially if you are nursing (which I did also). I think it is part of that "natural family spacing" that your body does instinctively. All your hormones are in the "don't get pregnant yet" mode and I don't think that does anything at all for your level of desire.

I went through this after the birth of both of my children but it was definitely worse after the birth of the first one. We had all of the adjustment issues you talk about. And I was just flat out exhausted. Both my husband and I work full time but he was so bent about not being the center of attention, he wasn't helping out at home at all. Plus he'd never really had to do much at home before so while my workload doubled, he was still sitting on his a** playing computer games all the time. I was tired and resentful and he just didn't get it. It has been a long road but he's a more involved parent now and he's more help around the house (and I have a cleaning lady that comes every other week - which was really worth the investment because I just CAN'T be on top of everything and it has really cut down on the bickering about house stuff). It took me a while to learn to communicate the fact that I need to feel like he's doing his share or I don't want anything to do with him. If I wanted to do everything, I could be a single parent and I felt like one anyway.

So I recommend asking your husband for help, being specific on what you want him to do and don't criticize now matter how crappy of a job he does. My husband is famous for doing a half assed job thinking that it will get him out of stuff. I just thank him and go on. I don't criticize and I don't re-do stuff. He's gotten the hint and he doesn't try that much any more. Doing a half-assed job doesn't get you out of anything at my house! LOL Also, not criticizing has been crucial for getting my husband to help. Before when I'd say something, he'd respond "I just can't do anything right so I'm not going to do it" or even if he wouldn't say it, that would be the end result - he'd just quit participating.

All that said, there are nights when I know my husband wants attention so I'll just lay it out for him: Before bed, both kids need bathed and dressed, the kitchen needs cleaned up, the trash needs to go out, the laundry needs to be switched out, etc... If you want to spend time together, if you help me with these things, I may have some energy for you before I drop dead.

And when he does, I make an effort to get into intimacy. I've found that even if I'm not in the mood, once we get started I can enjoy it. And get lubricant. With all those wacky hormones, you'll need it. Even if you can't get into it, it will at least keep it from being painful.

And everything gets easier as your baby gets older. I found that my sex drive actually returned around the time my kids were about a year old. Before that, it was an effort for me but worth the effort. But once your baby starts sleeping more, things get easier.

:-)T.

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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am not sure what you have read, but my sweet you need to read more! You are nursing and dehydrated and nursing affects your hormones deeply. I do not rememeber the science, google and you will find more, but I will tell you you are not alone. I have a 2 and 4 year old. After my first we did not have sex till about 5 months... it was scary, I had had stitches, I was reallllly dry and way tired. My son ended up sleeping with us for almost 4 years... In your case, Iwould try to make some time where you can plan to be alone in the bedroom. Don't rush things, communicate, drink a lot of water... see if you can use your hands with each other to bring him some attention and you some trials to see how things feel down there. He may need to be told there needs to be a lot of foreplay for you... it will get better as you get more confident and your baby gets a little older. My littel guy was needy so "dates" and lots of that didn't work for us. We had to take time- a lot of time Saturday afternoon nap times - and light some candles and put in effort. Try not to judge each other, but ask how he feels and share how you FEEL. Then try to reach out... it can get easier to just do your own thing, but try to rejoin in some way and it will all normalize over time I promise. On the second, I couldn't wait for my 6 week clearance and things were a lot easier because expectations and pressures were so different. You guys are on a steep steep learning curve. I wish you well.

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C.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think I'm in the minority here, but I do not think you should feel that you HAVE to have sex for your husband's sake. Seriously, sex should be fun for both parties. I don't have sex to feel pain and cry. No way. Wait until you want to and until it feels right again. If you are comfortable with oral sex, I would do that for him now. If you are not, then let him take care of himself in the shower until you have stopped nursing and started feeling interested again. In any case, I would up the non-intimate touching. Massage his head, his neck, his feet. You can get a lot of mileage out of loving touch as far as making him feel beloved.

You just made a child together. Just look at her! Everything but everything takes backstage to your beautiful child now. Daddy is your number 2 forever.

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S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Fake it til you make it sister. You will eventually get into it again. The poor husbands, this is the way they feel connected with us, so you've got to try for his sake. And if it hurts (my epidural site is still sensitive after a YEAR) then go for some other positions or intimate activities. Speaking of the epidural, I sometimes think this "sensitivity" might be in my head. It's hard to tell- I'll have to read the responses more thoroughly nd see if anyone else talked about that.

My other thought, I did see at least one person talking about designating nights for sex... I always thought this was SO hokey until I had a baby, and we decided to try it (after a difficult period like you are going through). It has worked wonders. There is no pressure (for either of you) on the "off" nights, and I can be fully prepared mentally to give my husbdand the TLC he deserves on the "on" nights. It takes away the "will we or won't we" elephant in the bedroom that was there every single night. I eventually found myself looking forward to the "on" nights.

Good luck, we've all been there!

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L.A.

answers from San Diego on

Mom of four here. This situation already has affected your marriage from what you describe. Yes, you are focused on your baby, but husbands have needs, too, and of course he is jealous of the baby! She now has most of your focus, probably followed by work and housework. He is the man you love and he deserves time and consideration, too. Just do it. You HAVE to start up again unless you want your baby to grow up in a single-parent home. I know you are tired, exhausted, don't feel like it, but it is just something you have to act yourself into. Pretend if you must, because this is so important! Most first-time moms go through this, but 4 months is a lot of time. For the sake of your family, your daughter, your husband - JUST DO IT! There may well be discomfort the first few times, but it will go away. The desire will return, but the longer you go without doing it, the harder it will be to get going again. Make it your top priority very soon. Do not let this sabotage your marriage. Act it until you can feel it again. That may sound unfair, but life isn't fair, as every new mom quickly finds out. :0)

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E.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I really feel for you, this is so normal, everything. After first baby everything changes and it seems a lot of challenging things come up in the marriage. It is time to really source out everything you are wanting for the relationship and you have to work EXTRA EXTRA hard to show the love and appreciation for the other person, EVEN if you don't feel it b/c too tired or hormones aren't there. We just had our second baby of 5 mos and intimacy is minimal, we had to get a hotel for our first real experience! and had to get childcare for 2!!!

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A.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.,

You are totally normal. Your instinct to nurture and take care of the baby first is what we do as mothers. Your husband should wait patiently and I think lovingly. He is lucky to have such a wonderful wife for his children. Lack of sex for about 6 months or so never killed anyone! That's about how long it took me each time I had a baby. Your whole body has just gone through birthing, and things need to adjust as well.
One thing I would do is get him more involved with the baby, he has to know that this his little bundle of joy, change diapers, rock to sleep, dress her, bath her etc...
Also let him know that your body is getting back to normal.
This might sound kind of weird, but the first time we did it after birth, I had my baby on top of me, when you are breast feeding, your nipples are really sensitive, and as long as your husband is sensitive caring and patient, you can actually give each other other wonderful pleasure. It was nice as there was no pressure to make it all that. It was just really slow and fun. Don't worry, the baby doesn't know what you are doing, but does feel the love. Leave the crazy love making for later.
I would leave the romantic dinners for way later too... But do talk to him.... He will get over the jealousy part. You have to remember you have been all his and now there is this little person that he feels has taken his place, men are such babies :)

Patience with yourself, with him and with your baby. And he needs to do the same. Don't worry about it so much, you'll see, everything will change. You just had a baby!

A.

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A.P.

answers from San Diego on

Let me say, I was shocked at how difficult parenting can be! And am still trying to find my way too. So I can validate all that your experiencing.
My situation is slightly different,reversed of what you have.
I had a c-section and also breast feed. So due to pain I was experiencing I scolded my hubby at touching my abdomen and my breasts. 6 weeks was more like 9 before I felt better,the damage was done! I feel like I'm begging him to touch ME again. He loves our 3 mo old son so much and is glad to relieve me for time alone. We just never make it for time alone together.
Our best days (and my only advise to you)is to establish a sense of normalcy in rutine of what you used to do. When he comes home from work did you run up to him and kiss him? Did you have dinner baking? Did you discuss your days while getting the work clothes off? Set the baby down in a safe place and give 100% of your mind (body will come later)to each other. Sex is one form of intamacy and we will all find that in due time.

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C.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I had pain during intercourse due to perimenopause. My doctor told me that my lowered estrogen levels caused me to create less vaginal fluid which creates more friction. For this problem may I recommend a vaginal moisturizer such as Preseed, or KY long lasting? These help to provide extra moisture inside so its less painful. Also, be sure he lubes up a lot too. These are typically found in the aisles near the Yeast Infection Home treatment kits and sometimes with the lubricants.
As for helping your state of mind, all of the advice listed is excellent.

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E.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

M.,
I think nature takes our libido away while we are breastfeeding so that we can bond with our babies, I went through it and once I was done breastfeeding my sex drive came back as it was before, but not right away, it took a few months. Don't worry too much, but in the meantime don't neglect your husband needs. Good luck

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

Hi M., Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.The time you tried and is discomfort how long ago was that? also I think breast feeding and nursing for some women take the feeling being sexy away, not only that but new moms had a dedency to put baby before husband, your husband always comes before your children. you need to try again,for both your sakes. If you don't feel the desire to make love, them maybe you can at least give your husband oral sex, at least he won;t feel left out, and he will get a released that has been building up for 4 months, unless he is taking care of business himself if you know what I mean. Plan a night that is just for him and see what happens. J.

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I experienced the same thing. I was so tired and the one or two times we did it it hurt a lot. I didn't even have an epidural. The hurting part eventually stop, i don't remeber when like around10 months if i remeber right. For me the tired didn't go away until the baby was walking and not nursing around 15 months. My husband wasn't very helpful and that was affecting things too. I started giving him things to do like i made him the one to put her to bed after i nursed her at night because i had already had to decide how long she cried before sleep all day and was so tired by then. I think he actually wanted to help but the baby cried so much he didn't know what to do. (niether did i for that matter sometimes) that helped a little too. The one thing i can say is that people kept telling me it gets worse as they get older and i totally disagree it has gotten so much better every couple of months it gets easier. My daughter is now 2 and 3/4ths and things are so much easier. She can do so much for herself now like play alone, watch a little tv, etc
hang in there

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S.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have a 2-month old, a 2-year-old, and a home business...so life has no room for sex right now. But recently my husband and I decided that we HAVE to make room. I am never in the mood for sex to be frank. But he and I agreed that we don't have to be, we just need to make the time for one another even if we DON'T feel like it. Hence, we decided that we're going to "do it" 2x a week. Yes! you read it right...I thought he was crazy for suggesting that at first! I mean, the average couple does it only 4 times a month (once a week). But this is our way of making our relationship a priority and preserving our marriage. So we designated specific days (Wed., AND Sat or Sun)so that we don't make excuses.

It won't feel so bad, however, if you have a husband like mine who shares 50% of all responsibilities concerning our kids and the household chores (on top of his full-time job). It makes me feel that he really does DESERVE my attention and effort because of that. And he tells me that he appreciates me committing to "doing it" every week even though I'm exhausted and are not in the mood. So you're husband will understand, I'm sure...because in the end, it's not about waiting to be in the mood, it's really about the effort to make your marriage a priority...and that EFFORT is what he'll appreciate. He'll understand that you're tired, I'm sure he's tired too...

p.s. let me emphasize that sex doesn't have to be intercourse every time (especially if it hurts after giving birh), sometimes it's a quicky...and sometimes it's "other creative" things...Just make the time for intimacy...that's what's important.

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.,
I do understand how you feel. It took me a long time to get back to normal as far as sex goes. I had pain even months after I got the "ok" to have it. (doctor said everything looked normal up there)The pain discuraged me tramendously! My obgyn told me that the urge to have sex does not come back by it's self. She told me that you have to start having sex to release those hormones to make you horny. Sounds weird but it boils down to one thing....you have to have sex to want sex. It was difficult for me to do, but the more sex I had. The more I wanted it in the future. Now 15 months later, we are back to normal...well, you can never be "back to normal" with a baby. But, it's good enough for the both of us.(I have a very understanding husband!)
I thought that what the doctor expalined to me was really interesting to learn because I had never heard of that before. Makes total sense though.
Well, I hope this info helped you. With my new understanding, I was able to help "fix" my marriage. Your story sounds very familair to mine. It will all get back to normal eventually. Try to do something for yourself. And try to have a few "dates" with your husband a few times a month. That could also help your relationships.
Good luck to you!
[email protected]____.com

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K.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi my name is K., I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I had the same thing happen to me. The only difference is I did not go back to work. I am a stay home mom. I also was exhausted and NOT in the mood. I did not want my husband to touch me, look at me, or even think about getting intimite with me. I felt grossed out about it for a long time. I don't know if you would feel comfortable or not, but there are a lot of ways to keep the marriage alive without intercourse. I would'nt rush back into sex because it does hurt and it's not worth it. My husband went through similar emotions, wanting our sex live back, feeling like he was second fiddle to the baby, but after some time that all changes. We have two children now and he is a great dad and husband and our sex life is pretty good. I usally get my husband to do more for me and around the house by using sex or related things as a bribe. You can take that advice or not it is up to you. Good luck, I hope the best for you and your marriage. K.

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Girl, your marriage is being affected. The first time having intercourse after birth is a little painful. It does not get better with time. Get lubricating gel and go at it, soon!!!!!!!! Your husband and your marriage need this gift from yourself, even if you are dead tired. You need the intimacy and once you begin (with the right attitude) the sex will have a life of its own and you will be energized by it. Your husband needs to be first before your baby and you really know this. 4 months is way too long. A marriage without sex (intimacy) isn't going to work well. Been married 47 yrs with 3 children. I know this first hand.

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J.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

Just ask your hubby to be patient with you, he should understand. It takes nine months for pregnancy to wreak havoc on your body and sometimes that long to go back. IT'S THE HORMONES, yes once again! LOL You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Oh and did I forget to mention, your tired, you have spit up, slober, (sometimes poop) on you during the day. Oh and if your breastfeeding fagget about it!! LOL I am lucky if I get a shower some days! Are we really supposed to feel like having sex? I have friends that use to hump like bunnies pre pregnancy, and they still have no desire after 7 months. ( I have 5 friends in my circle of friends who all had babies within 3 months of eachother!) I have a feeling we are not alone. You have the rest of your lives together. Just make sure he knows it won't always be like this. : )

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S.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

You are not alone. Since you are breastfeeding and using the minipill, both of those are working against you. I went through the exact same thing, and when my son was 4 months it was valentines day. The day where you are supposed to have sex and it was the last thing I wanted to do. So I went and got a sexy tight fitting lengerie and some sexy lotions and things of that nature and then set up the place for him when he got home (I got a babysitter) then we went out to dinner. I found it easier to do "it" earlier in the evening instead of after the baby went down so I wasn't as exhausted. Also, the longer you go in between having sex the less you want it. So capitalize on when you are intimate. Do it a couple of times that week and then he will be satisfied and then you can get a break in between. Sometimes we just have to get over ourselves and be intimate with our husbands because they need it in a physical way that women don't need necessarily. Also remember no one likes being rejected and rejecting his intimate advances is very damaging to men when it happens all the time (as told to me by my husband). Since you are writing this, it shows you love your husband and value your marriage and I know this will probably pass in time, but until you get your drive back I suggest just being intimate anyway, it helped me to get back into the groove. Good luck!

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A.H.

answers from San Diego on

I would try scheduling in time with your husband. The two of you could reconnect and then the intimacy would come back. When you're home(at the same time)touch each other. A small caress, a kiss, a hug, or any other playful touch. This will also make you feel reconnected as well as desired. If there are any of the jobs that you do that your husband could help you with, ask him if he would do them with you. This way you can lighten your work load and spend time together as well. You could use this time to talk. If you make a visible effort to spend time with your husband, he will notice and not feel left out. If your relationship is strong, everyone, including your daughter, will be happier. It may take some time and effort, but it is so worth it. I have 4 children, and am a military wife, and am still able to have a fulfilling relationship, including the intimacy, with my husband. You can do it do. You just have to be willing to do whatever you can to make it happen. Good Luck! I wish you both a happy and fulfilling marriage.

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A.T.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.,

As far as i can tell from pretty much all of my friends, this is so incredibly normal, you are describing the text book situation! It is totally understandable that your husband is frustrated, but he needs to have the patience it takes to let you get your life and body back in order. Sometimes it takes until the baby is sleeping through the night. Sometimes longer. It also may seem like a strange connection, but if your husband gets involved in the bottle washing and diaper changing and laundry, you will feel less overwhelmed and feel more like having some intimacy. I also recommend a book a friend loaned to me: Confessions of a naughty mommy, how I found my lost libido! Good luck, be patient and don't beat yourself up about this! You both are being so normal!!

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B.D.

answers from San Diego on

M., please don't feel embarassed! It's a very important topic and one that pertains to many, many people!
I went through a similar experience after the birth of my first child. Intercourse was painful for the first couple of times I did it (and I had the 'OK' from my doc too). I actually cried the first time (about 8-10 wks post partum) and I remember thinking 'OMG, is sex always going to be like this??" And forget about desire, I had NO interest at all. I totally love my husband but the thought of sex was the last thing on my mind. We just kept working at it (making time for it) every couple of weeks or so at first, then more often as time went on. Our 2nd baby was born a year and half later ;-) and we were back to our normal sex life about 2-3 mos later. The damage (tearing) the 2nd time was much less so the recovery was much faster. I didn't have any pain at all the first time we had sex after my 2nd was born. Woo hoo!
So don't worry...just like the other ladies have said, just stick with it and plead for mercy from your hubby (to take things slow) but if you wait too long then it becomes too built up and you will never want to do it, so just try to muster the interest here and there and eventually you will be back in the swing of things ;-0 Good luck

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K.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello M.. When I was about to have my daughter, one class at Kaiser taught me something very important. They specifically address the men and said that for 6 weeks, it is not permitted and to be sensative to our needs. Then they addressed the women and said - Yes, you cannot have sex for 6 weeks, but you must still be sensative to your husband's needs.

Your lack of desire is most likely from exhaustion and nursing - nursing messes with those hormones. Maybe try looking for a compromise - not as often as he wants, but enough to meet some of his needs. Plus - it may serve as a release for you, allowing you to sleep more soundly between feedings for the little one.

I hope things start to improve soon, but remember that it won't happen over night, and the real desire may not return until you are done nursing and your hormones go back to normal. Do you best to take care of your husband and let him take care of you.

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K.M.

answers from San Diego on

Honestly, you just have to sort of jump back on the horse to use a really bad phrase. The first time is a very anxious time for woman because of so many things: we start to just see ourselves as mom's and not the sexy woman they married so the idea of sex is a turn off, then we're worried something might be wrong with us down there if we had a vaginal delivery, we also worry that it's going to hurt(which is might the first couple times, use lots and lots of lube to make it easier!)

With time it will feel better, you will feel better about yourself and you will start to feel more like a couple again once you resume having sex. IMO, it's a very very important bond between a husband and wife and the sooner you both get back on track the better. The first year of a new baby is so stressful on a marriage, if you start to feel overly stressed about him working out of the home let him know that you need time out to be yourself away from being mommy/wife. We all need down time! Good Luck!!!

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D.P.

answers from San Diego on

My libido never came back until I was done nursing. If your tired, let your hubby know. Take a nap, ask for some help with chores. It was uncomfortable after my first for a few months too. Did you have any stitches? That makes things worse. I had minor tearing with my first and a few stitches, but it takes a few months for that area to not be so sensitive. Hang in there. While you are nursing you tend to be more dry too, use some KY or Astroglide.

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T.N.

answers from San Diego on

You are so not alone with this one! I read your responses and am lad to know that there are so many of females that feel this way. I thought it was only ME!! I have a baby boy who will be 2yrs on saturday, and another son who is turning 4 months on friday! with my second son I went through depression and still kind of have it, dont feel sexy, am always tired, overwhelmed, feel like I am the only one who does the most without being appreciated or thanked. I feel like he thinks I am doing everything cause it is my "wifely" duty and is expected!! NOT!! He was so good with my 1st son, but with the 2nd I think he got the "depression" as well. (although he would NEVER admit it!)We have been together for 5yrs now and have NEVER had a fight or disagreement until now. Right on my 6th week, the day after my checkup, he started giving me attitude and silent treatments, saying he needed sex. well I still wasnt into it, didnt have time, was tired. he decided he was going to leave me and the kids!! WHAT?!?! He said he felt unloved and unwanted, and why would he stay somewhere feeling like that? can you say selfish and koo-koo?! lol...well, we talked about it all and decided to make time for each other like we used to, because it IS a very important part of a relationship. sometimes i am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, but I still do what I can to make him happy. if he is happy, i am happy and everything is A-OK!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes some time. Remember, the kids wont be that small forever, and soon you will have plenty of time for your relationship!!

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C.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

I went through something similar, i was too tired and my c-section still hurt. However, we stopped having sex at 5 months of pregnancy because I was having contractions. So, i figured he was kind enough not to put pressure or make me feel bad during pregnancy, he deserved the same from me. So, i did tell him to be gentle until I felt my body (not me, make sure he knows that you still desire him) was ready. Now, when I am stressed or I've had a long day, I requested because it is a nice destresser.
Good luck!

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J.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

My advice is to keep trying. Do your kegel exercises (because this really DOES help) and just MAKE THE TIME. Show your husband that he is a priority to you, even if you don't feel much of a desire. It will help the situation just to know that you'd LIKE to be together, even if it isn't at the top of your list of things to do. He will appreciate the effort and you will get back into the swing of things.

Good luck! (And PLEASE keep trying - for your husband's sake AND for your baby's sake.)

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M.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

For the first 6 months it was so painful each time we tried to be intimate that I would cry. The doc checked me and said everything looked fine, but that breastfeeding could cause extreme vaginal dryness. She prescribed estrogen cream, which I used a couple times, that seemed to help temporarily. The thing that really helped was the return of my period (at 9 months). That was over a month ago and my sex drive is back to normal.

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D.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

This is a tough time for exhaustion and crazy emotions, etc.
take your time to relax with your husband, is there a nap time on the weekend that you could play around? KY lotion is made for these times and reduces the "tight" feeling and reduces the nervousness that seems to crop up.
You have a comfort level with a babysitter for work, then
get one once in awhile for the two of you!!!
Stay positive and reduce tension, if nothing else, help your husband to feel great and the rest will come.
good luck D-

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C.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.,

Good for you for even saying something on here when you feel a bit odd. I think that it is totally normal and something that you just have to choose to do. I was the one who was ready right away after our 6 week "all-clear", but I was so upset when it really hurt. I have to say that it was not good at all for me for a few months, but I just tried to remind myself that intimacy is so important to our marriage and it's an important way for me to tell my husband how I love him. I even got to the point of accepting that, oh well, I guess intercourse just won't be the same ever again, it will always be a little painful (which I have to say was a bit of a depressing thought). But I can say now, my daughter is 8 months old, and things are great! I'm so glad that I kept trying and at least kept that closeness with my husband, because now it is worth it. I wish you luck and some fun!

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I remember not really being into it once I had the baby. As a new mother there just seemed so much to have to worry about that having an intimacy time with my husband didn't make the list. Plus I think everyone is super tired at that time. What helped me was going on a date. As much as I didn't want to leave my daughter so young with anyone. It made a significant difference. To get make up on (you know like you use to before the child came), do my hair (not just pull back in a pony tail), get dressed nice and just have a romantic dinner. I think it's making a concious effort to think about those things and start the act with a date. To be aware of your own needs and sexuality. It's defiantly something that has to be worked on during this time in our lives.

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J.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

All this sounds totally typical to me! Overloadness, hormones, stress, exhausstion etc. I remember when my first child was about the age of yours calling my husband and telling him we'd ruined our lives! Ask your Dr. about the pill. Try getting a sitter one night a week, dress up, and go out like adults. DON'T spend the time talking about the baby. I've been married 20 years, with older kids and we do this like religon.

I'd also get some good couple's counseling. You'd be suprised how helpful it is. It sounds like your husband is pretty in touch with his feelings, and is able to communicate them. That's a huge help in working these things out. Hang in there!

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J.L.

answers from Reno on

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. After our first child we went through a similar experience. I just talk about it with my husband. All my thoughts, feelings, and fears. We just took it slow, and eventually things got back to normal. For me the second(baby)time around the fears weren't really there. After the 3rd it was just giving it time.
My best advice, keep talking to each other, give it time, and go back to the start-taking it slow like when you were dating- it will return to normal.
Good luck and Best wishes!

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R.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Totally hear where you are coming from. Had very similar experiance after the birth of my daughter. Ky is definitely your friend. They have a new one that is a mist...
That doesn't help with the being emotionally whipped at the end of the day though. I had to get my husband to give me a good back or leg massage or brush my hair, something that is intimate, but not neccessarily sexual, it gave me a little bit of a pick me up.
I also had to ask him to stear clear of the chest. With the breastfeeding, it just weirded me out to have him mess with them. Still kinda does, but I think that is just me...=)
Anyway, you could also just help him... You don't need to get neeked with him, if you are just too tired. Course, I have heard that some guys aren't into that... go figure...
Just some Ideas. You could ask him what he wants, and try that, he may just want acknowledgement that he is working hard too...Not that they work as hard as we do, usually...
Good luck! Have some Fun.
R.

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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think what you're going through is totally natural, especially for a first time mom. I experienced this with my first child, and it can have a little to do with several factors. I remember feeling "broken" and desireless, thinking there was something "wrong" with me physiologically and when I asked my doctor she told me to try sex therapy - which I never did and was uncomfortable with. Now that I'm older and just had my second child, it has been a very different experience...
As a woman you have a lot to contend with; nurturing a baby, being successful at work, showing confidence in your own abilities, and being a good wife-partner-friend. I had to approach this two ways - my needs and his. Let's start with you.
You need to feel like your bucket is full: MAKE an appointment to get your nails/toes done, get your hair done, buy an outfit that you like and feel like a woman in, get a massage - just take care of yourself. Then if you can, plan a weekend away for just the two of you - may be a Saturday night with Sunday return and ask your family or someone you trust to care for your daughter. The two of you may need some adult time away together. :) Try to avoid being in competition with your husband for who has it the hardest; that will go NOWHERE. Just remember you both have needs and you have a responsibility to the both of you to take care of yourself, just as he does, to remain happy. Only then can you help make someone else happy.
His needs... Some people may hate me for saying this, but I believe men have basic needs that are much more surface level and don't need a whole lot of prompting to get there. First time babies are traumatic for some men and they still have to have their sexual needs met. It's a fundamental need for them and we can't overlook that as a woman. For the health of your marriage you need to satisfy him. First, let him know you are aware of this and you are working on it. Let him know that it's a priority to you that he feels good and his needs are met, so soon you want to have some fun. :) Tell him you're planning a get-away (even local!) and ask for a day when he can commit and fits both your schedules; plan together if you can. This will help line it up and give you time to prepare yourself.
I could never just turn myself on and "get in the mood". What I did find is that the more I put myself in a place of intimacy, it fed the fire slowly. Think of things that please you and do them (yes, this is very personal). Get your body and mind back in tune together. I had to work on getting myself there. Watch a sex talk show, or read a sultry novel; put your mind back in the flesh! Since he may be a little frustrated and not have it in him to spend as much time as you'd like to help get YOU in the mood, this pre-work may help you out for when the moment arrives.
Try to remember what it was like when it was just the two of you, and remember what it was like to just be a woman (before you were also a mommy). Remember that he finds you sexy, even when you don't see it, and slip back into that role. ...You'll enjoy it. Keep at it too, because it gets better the more you go there. To keep a fire burning you have to feed it. :) Good luck! You'll be fine!

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G.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

You've got to make time for "privacy time" as my husband and I call it. We did this before our daughter was born (we have a teenager at home, also) and began 6 weeks after (I had a C-section this time) by making sure he helped me with one feeding so I could get enough sleep (I went back to work full-time just before she was 2 months old). We still had a lot of fights the first year (this is my husband's first kid) and finally got to the point where I listed on the calendar what chores each one of us gets for the weekend so we each get some independent time as well. Sometimes even now (our daughter is 19 months old) I ask him to put her down Saturday evening so I can take my time to wind down, have a glass of wine and get freshened up.

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D.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Oh don't be embarrassed. When a friend is pregnant for the 1st time I tell the truth and the truth is that a new baby and breast feeding kills libido. My libido did not come back until I stopped nursing both of my girls at 1 year. You hubby just has to be a little more patient. Trust me it does come back so hang in there.

Take care,
D.

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P.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

You are not alone. MOST women feel a lack of interest in sex after childbirth, usually from exhausion and horomone imbalance. It takes several months for those hormones to settle down, and getting lots of help with the baby and housework and getting enough sleep really helps. Post partum depression is another more serious matter, and there are lots more symptoms than lack of interest in sex.

You also seem to have some concerns about your body being back to normal after childbirth, and about birth control. Talk to your doctor about these issues, and give yourself some time to get back in the swing of things. And you can satisfy your husband without having intercourse, which would be easier for you and still reestablish intimacy between the two of you.

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I.D.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

Hi M.,
No need to feel funny about it, it's life and ... well the beginning of having a baby is to be intimate with your husband, soooo.
Anyway, I have 2 daughters, 2 year old and 2 months old. The first time I went through what you are going through, looking bakc now that I've done it again I would say that it was the shock of being a first time mom with all the changes that happened. You go through a body "shock" because of the pain and the hormones are totally affecting your feelings. And the love for a new little baby is so huge that other things seem not important.
So it did take me maybe 6 months to get back to be intimate with my husband and not kringe everytime he was, ..you know.
After my second baby we did it before the 6 weeks and I was totally more relazed about the whole experience, I know how to handle the baby, I basically had been there and I know what to expect.
But if you do not want to have a second baby before you feel "normal" again (LOL), my advice is to try and get good rest, wait for the baby to be asleep, then give it your best try again with your husband. I think if you take it one occasion at a time and really make sure that one experience goes well, then you can get back into the groove of things. But start with: good rest, no pressing problems (baby asleep), and try and relax. And thing that you love your husband so much because if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have such a wonderful baby. Maybe I am cheesy but this thought helped me all the time I felt distant from my husband.
God, I should shut up now! Good Luck sweety :)
I.

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B.B.

answers from San Diego on

Thing will resume with time. You both are going through a big life change.. and with you, hormonal and physical changes after the birth. For my husband, it took him awhile after the birth of our daughter to feel like I was his wife again, instead of the mother of his child. For me, it was uncomfortable and almost painful the first few times but after a few months, we both got back in the swing of things. I had NO desire for about 4 months to even be intimate, but now I feel back to normal. Good luck!

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H.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

I know it is hard, but it is normal. Maybe trying something like having a date night, at least once a month, with no after date expectations to make you feel stressed. Just some time for the two of you to just be together. It would be tough, but I have heard that you want to try to NOT talk about your little one. Godd luck and keep your chin up, it can be a bumpy road the first year.

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J.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Kim,

You have some great advice! I wish I would have know this was a normal thing back on my first baby. Many of them mention things change after breast feeding, I'll agree with that, I only breastfeed for 6 months then I felt I needed my body back. This is when I could stop faking it. My hubby never understood why I wasn't interested, he was patient and tried to be giving to me, but I just wanted it over with. (hurry up & just take care of your needs, this doesn't feel good to me & I'm grossed out). It wasn't confortable and I wasn't in the mode ever. But it does come back.

You need to think about him though, he's been very patient and you do want him to feel loved and appreciated, and you do want him to come home and want to be at home. Try date nights. Date nights are always a nessessity, whether you just go for ice cream, a walk, desert in bed with romantic music playing, a fire while you talk and make out. He's your best friend this is why you married him, and you don't want to lose him because the kids came first. Like another lady said ( you have to feed the fire) this is why men leave and have affairs. The closeness between the 2 of you makes it easier. Also explain to him that you have asked this question and recieved lots of advice or maybe read all these together, so he has a better understanding of women, that lots of us go through something close to this. That will really help him to understand.

Then say: I understand you need sex, just like I need you to come home to me everynight, please don't take this mean in any way because you now understand how I feel right now, but we can have sex as long as you are in it for you and your not in it to take care of me for a half hour, think what you have to to hurry this along. I promise that I will be up front with my feelings and let you know when I'm more interested for longer play dates (sex). This way he sees that you are a very giving person, but understands you don't want it to last forever. Then hunny, grin and bear it.

If you could put up with the pain the first time you had sex and still wanted it the second time, or you could give birth to a watermellon size baby that toke hours of pain and discomefort, or go once a year for a pap, or put up with pain, cramps & periods monthly, you can deal with occasional sex. I don't know why we have to deal with so much discomfort in our lives, but I guess God knew we could handel it better then men. Women are giving people even when we are in pain or deathly sick we worry about taking care of everyone else, and have a difficult time letting others take care of us. Your a great wife, a great mother, great at your job, and apperantly great at sex because he want's it with you. I promise it gets better.

Try sex in the afternoon. I work early so I'm up at 4:30am so come night time I just want to sleep. But sex in the afternoon is great, I'm not as tierd and there is something notty about doing it in the middle of the day, it's a real turn on. Set up a date where he comes home early, but have him call to tell you he's close, take off your clothes and vacuum naked so that he walks in on you, you being naked vacuuming will be a turn on for you also.

Best wishes with this, hope it helps some. J.

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W.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Remember that the love that you two have brought you to that sweet baby girl! I know it is tiring and the thought of being intimate with your husband at the end of the day is far from your mind, so try something different, have him come from work for lunch and surprise him, the laundry and dishes will still be there and your chores will be overlooked when you have a happy and healthy sex life with the man you love! Don't let this time pass in your life, your daughter will get older and you might have more children and it gets harder to be intimate. Take advantage of loving your husband physically now while you don't need to be too creative yet! I have four children 9 and under and with each child it got harder to be intimate, but I never wanted the importance of my children seeing mommy and daddy love each other gone from our home because of us being so stressed about what we would do when all the kids were asleep. If you start now and use some kind of lubricant, you will rebuild those hormones through intimacy and go back to that place with your husband that brought you together in the first place! There is a GREAT supplement that you can purchase called Royal Maca, it will help with balancing you out and it gets your libido going too! Wait until you are done breastfeeding though!

Good luck!!

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R.C.

answers from San Diego on

I really feel for you and your husband. The key thing to remember is that your baby (who really needs you) is going to grow up and leave home. Don't forget how you made that lovely baby in the first place! I too had a bit of an issue "getting" started. The key thing to remember is that the more you "engage" with one another, the easier it will be. It is not going to be perfect- in fact the first few times it may be uncomfortable. There are a lot of different factors- you may not feel like a hot, sexy woman. Just remember, your husband needs to know that you still care about him (and frankly, this is one area that really hits the mark)and that he is still important to you. My best advice is to just get started. If you are not feeling particularly "in the mood", just concentrate on the closeness and love you feel with your husband. It's great to be with someone who can hug you back! Also, I recommend taking naps when the baby is napping- don't just use that time to "get things done". I'll bet more sleep will help too. Good luck!

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H.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I gave birth via C-scetion 9 weeks ago. I felt great 2 weeks after the surgery. I was able to resume almost all activities!! The one that I have had absolutely no interest in is sex. I have tried with my husband, but it was so very painful and I was not into it. I love him and I know that it is not him. I really think that it is still the hormones and the adjustment to being a new mommy. I was about to ask the same question as you this morning when I came across it. I am glad to see that someone else is going through the same thing. I am returning to work in 2 days as well.
Give it some more time if you need it.
my husband has made the same comments about missing me and not feeling lik ecoming home. I am working on trying to be there for him in other ways. I was worried about our marriage as well. I am going to ask my doctor if the mini pill has anything to do with it.
Hang in there.

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B.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

i think this is TOTALLY normal and common. a new baby really changes the dynamic in your home and there is a lot to adjust to. but aside from the stress/exhaustion and everything else, your hormones right now are most likely affecting your desire level big time. especially when you are breastfeeding. i had the same problem with desire and was in a lot of pain when we actually did try. my dr. recommended getting a heavy duty lubricant. i had no idea what a difference it could make! that helped with the discomfort, but honestly, my desire didn't get back to normal until i wasn't breastfeeding as much (which was a looong time). i was really committed to breastfeeding and even though it was a little hard for us, my husband was really understanding. it may not seem like it now, but all of this will go by fast! if there is anyway possible to get a friend or a relative to watch the baby for a couple of hours while you and your husband do something you like to do together, i think that might help. the important thing is to keep talking and stay connected and realize it won't always be this way!

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G.T.

answers from Los Angeles on

Breastfeeding steals your desire away. It also literally dried out your vagina (my gyno told me I have the vagina of a 60 year old woman. Thanks, Doc!). However, exhaustion and everything else aside, I personally feel that you need to give it that college try. I was lucky to get my husband to wait the required six weeks. There's no way he would have waited four months. Your sex life will get back to normal when you've stopped nursing and aren't so exhausted but I think you need to have sex with your husband ASAP! Get a sitter and rent a hotel room for a few hours or, as we do, wait until the baby (we have two little girls) is asleep. Also, in case you haven't discussed this with your girl friends - it's gonna hurt... get some lube, but not the warming kind. I had a ton of stitches where my daughter hooked her shoulder into my perenium on the way out and the KY warming stuff hurt like hell! Oh yeah, tell him he has to work for it and not skip foreplay or you'll really be miserable... and you have to make an effort not to think of the kids or the laundry or work.... good luck. You'll be out of this phase soon enough and your hubby will appreciate your efforts.

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C.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Don't be embarrassed at all. Thank God for a sight like this that makes everyone feel normal. Our poor mothers and grandmothers who probably sat alone in their bedrooms feeling alone and strange.

I think that what you are going through is normal. Everyone is different and so is every relationship. Cut yourself some slack. Having a baby totally changes your dynamic. That is huge and it is not easy. Each stage of parenthood has its own challenges. It is a very trying and rewarding experience. And, getting yourself lost is a hard thing not to do. YOu have to look after yourself too. It sounds as if returning to work will help with reconnecting with your identity. Now it is just your marraige.

I would suggest that you and your husband try to find some quiet time to just talk and reconnect. Not necessarily sex time- just relationship time. Maybe you could leave the baby with your sitter and go to a movie or dinner. Start from there. I think the key though is to start putting your minds back on your marraige. Talk out the issues. If he is expressing missing you then you both need to spend some time reassuring each other that you are there for one another.

Eventually physical intimacy will return, but first you need the mental. Be prepared though, that your physical relationship may be changed also. Because of breastfeeding, I did not like my breasts touched. Even after I had weaned my daughter, I would find myself slapping my husband's hands away out of habit. Even now I sometimes do it unintentionally and my youngest is six! In my subconscious it just seemed as if his hands did not belong there anymore. It was hard to explain and I know he didn't understand for a long time.

As to the hormones,
I was on the mini pill with my daughter but did not have any "depression" symptoms. However, I had very bad "depression" feelings on the IUD. I strongly feel that hormones effect us in this way. Talk to your doc about maybe switching the brand of the pill. Hopefully that will help. I removed my IUD and switched back to the pill and my "normal" self returned - NO longer the crab monster!

Good luck to you. It sounds like you and your hubby have a strong caring foundation. I think you will be all right. Communicate!

C.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

ky jelly & a glass of wine worked for me. men really use sex to connect w/their wives & feel manly/wanted, and it's also a great tension reliever for you! as dr. laura says, "be selfish & use his body to give yourself pleasure!what's 15 mins?!" date nights are a nice idea, but not really possible a lot of the time...so, flirt a little bit around the house! i sometimes feel the same way as you do in regards to being a prisoner & feeling like i'm ALWAYS working long after HIS day is done. i just try to go inside my own mind (even when i'm doing dishes!) & i think to myself how happy i was the day he asked me to marry him, or the day we found out i was pregnant, or the first time we kissed, etc....that helps me to re-connect w/those 'sexy' feelings & then my body starts to respond accordingly. once in a while i'll just go curl up in his lap & playfully demand "LOVE ME!" & we laugh, have a nice kiss, etc...we dont neccesarily go 'all the way' at those times, but it's a cute/funny little way to re-connect. you are TOTALLY normal, and it WILL pass --- but you need to make some effort to not only get YOURSELF into the groove, but to also let your man know that he is loved/wanted/appreciated (they need that, too - no matter what else you hear!)

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M.A.

answers from San Diego on

I have gone through the same thing and still working through it. I will say this though - I realized at about 8 months that I was probably slightly depressed. I quit working (after 20 years of working) when I had my daughter. While she is the absolute joy in my life I didn't recognize me anymore, I found I didn't know my husband either anymore. I went to my regular Dr and he gave me a questionnaire to test me for depression. Turns out I was significantly depressed and he prescribed anti-depressants and suggested counseling. I skipped on the counseling and read books about cognitive behavior instead. I went back about 4-6 weeks later and was doing much better. My point is this - think about how you are feeling overall. I didn't feel good about ANYTHING - I felt distant from my son, my husband and it was getting more and more difficult to enjoy being home with my daughter. My desire for intimacy came back, although it still took a while to enjoy it. I tore pretty good so things just aren't the same down there! Just remember that you need the intimacy just as much as he does. Now the reason we don't have sex is simply because we're too tired. I told my hubby he's just gonna have to take what's his sometimes! :o) I won't turn him down, I just won't initiate it often - sleep or sex...hmm. Alex, I'll take sleep for $1000!

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A.M.

answers from Santa Barbara on

I hope you're starting to see that you are not alone with this. When you consider the amazing physical changes your body has gone through and continues to go through, and the emotional extremes, it's no wonder sex is a challenge. When my first baby was born, my DH and I had sex after the 6 week checkup. It was VERY uncomfortable and somewhat painful. I'd had stitches, and it was really tight and uncomfortable. (sorry if TMI). However, my husband had a great attitude! It's not like either one of us enjoyed it, me cringing and anticipating pain, and him watching my agonized expression, asking "Are you ok?" We would make love every week or two, and slowly it started to get better. My daughter was 6 months old before things got back to normal. I'm sure it would have taken even longer if we hadn't tried regularly. We were both exhausted and often chose sleep instead of sex, but the important part was that we were in it together. I'm sure he would have liked to have sex more often, but I remember the partnership, and laughing together at the absurdity of trying so hard to enjoy this wonderful thing, something that used to come so natural to us. One thing to know is that time itself won't change much, it will only get better if you guys practice.

I don't know if it is much consolation to you now, but it is MUCH easier after your second baby, and no big deal after the third. I was dreading going through it all again after my second baby was born, and it was fine by the time our daughter was 6 weeks old. With my 3rd child, we tried at 4 weeks post partum, and although we were really careful, it wasn't painful.

Good luck to you, and listen to the wise mommies who have said before how important it is to bond as a new family, and include your husband in the intimacy. Sex is the language of intimacy for men, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your precious baby is nurture the relationship between her parents!

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M.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

M.,
Really, I wouldn't worry about it too much. You and your husband are in the biggest transition in life, going from being two people to being PARENTS! Not only do you have to refigure out your new roles as people, but it does affect your marriage because that has to find a new place to fit as well. I would try as hard as you can to show your husband you love him, even if it's not intimacy yet. And just be honest with him, that you want to be with him, but you're not quite ready (and you're still sore). It's so normal to be so tired, both of you. And also, you're falling in deep love with your baby, and so his he. Your attention is definitely not focused on each other right now - but it will be again. Just be sure you don't ignore him while all this is settling.
Good luck - it'll be ok. I've had 3 kids and my husband has been very patient.
M.

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M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Well... it took me about a year to get back to normal.. i was a little depressed, still sore, the drop of the hormone level is huge, adjusting to the needs of the baby.. and then my husband wanted his needs met too....agghh
At the end of the night when i was finally done with my chores, baby in bed..then my husband got all sweet and loving and i just wanted to run for the door!! One day i even told him that i felt as if making love was one more chore before going to bed ..lol..(he never forgot that).
Women we tend to prioritize while males go by instincts.
They don't understand the wear and tear that childbirth puts on your mind and body (and don't waste your time explaining either).But you are not alone is this.
At the same time he needs you though. Men feel loved when you make love, if you avoid the situation whether he tells you or not he takes it as rejection.
Try to find equilibrium between building a relationship with your child and maintaining a relationship with your husband.
Remember that marriage is never a finished product, always work in progress. He is acting like a baby so... spoil him a little bit, come on,,, no more excuses ok.
fondly
m

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

You may want to go back to your OB just to get checked out again to rule out anything physical.

It's easy to push the hubby aside after a long day. though it was a different type, your hubby had just as long of a day. what a better way for both of you to relax with each other!. You don't have to get right to it. Take a shower or bath together, massages, etc. The nights you're too tired for the "works" make it his night, tell him lay back and that it is all about him. He'll love it.

Remember how good it feels? What a great release to end your long day. You deserve that wonderful feeling of closeness
Just take it slow, little steps.

Be sure to communicate with him about what is going on. If something hurts, don't give up, try something different or in a different way. Be patient and remember that feelings follow actions.

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.:
Everything you explained, is so very normal,after having your first baby.Its been just the two of you,giving all your undivided attention to only each other.Now,much of your attention and energies go towards your new baby.Your a family now, and this is something you both will grow accustom to. Sharing precious time that was once just yours alone.Men will feel a little jilted.They witness the intimacy you share with the baby. Wether when breastfeeding,or just holding her close.They natually feel a certain amount of envy.You may need to come up with some ideas,for some intimate time He can share with her as well.If your pumping milk for the sitter,Maybe you can do that for him sometimes and allow him to hold her close and feed her.He needs to know that feeling of being close to his daughter as well.It isn't easy, to be sexually motivated,when you are preoccupied with taking care of a new baby.Your exhausted,and we all know, when your pooped at the end of a day, all you want is some (sleep)Men have their basic routine,work, come home and eat,play with the baby a little,and their roaring to go! It really doesn't matter how the birth of your baby was,your going to be tender and sore for some time.It took me quite a bit of time, to really enjoy sex,without the discomfort.This is difficult for men to grasp,and they are natually impatient for things to return to normal.I think alot of times we underestimate,a mans need for just being intimate(Close)I know, that alot of times ,we fear allowing ourselves to be just intimate,because we feel it HAS to lead to the sexual act itself, but, these fears cause us to miss out on so much needed contact, We miss out on those treasured moments of being held,and cuddled by the one we love. Spend some moments like this together M.. When your feeling better,use a sitter,for one night and suprise your husband with a romantic evening.Take him to dinner,and then arrange a hotel for a night. He'd think he'd died and went to heaven. lol He would be reminded,that,not only are you a wonderful mother to his daughter,but,that your still that hottie he married,and he will feel you still look at him as being that handsome man you married.I wish you and your hubby and your new darlin daughter the best.

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L.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi M.. This really is more common than you would think. I haven't talked to anyone that didn't hurt when they got back into having sex. The pain should pass. It's amazing how much sex reconnects a couple, even if you weren't in the mood to do it. It's such an important part of marriage. I would suggest making it a bigger deal for you to put you in the mood. For example, go buy some lingerie that you feel super sexy in. Once your baby is in bed, light some candles, put on some music, get out the massage gel if you want and put on that sexy lingerie. Also, turn off that baby moniter. Try to remember that your relationship with your husband is just as important as your relatinship with your baby, if not even a little more important. He is your spouse, best friend and other half. Your child will learn about relationships from what she sees between you and your husband. You need to focus on the connection between you and have a solid relationship. If that means having sex, even if you don't desire to right now, then do it. The desire will come back eventually even if it is not as much as it used to be. Also, try being intimate in more ways with your husband besides sex, such as date nights, rent a movie and cuddle on the couch, cook together, or play strip poker ; ) Just have fun together!

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L.M.

answers from Las Vegas on

I had intimacy issues with my husband after my second child was born. The desire wasn't there and that is what upset me because I wanted to be close to him but the actual physical contact turned me off. It took several weeks after the initial 6 weeks until we were able to be intimate. I suggest you just make time to be alone together. Talking, cuddling. Just spend time with your husband. I know it's hard with a newborn, but it's necessary. Ask for his help. When my husband helps me around the house that is a big turn on. Good luck.

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H.A.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Oh man, this is a hard one! And something that I'll bet everyone deals with, but not many people talk about. I had the same issue! My daughter is eight months old. I had a class five tear when she was born (there is no class six), so I was understandably apprehensive about getting back into the swing of things. I finally had to kind of do it against my will, with the help of some KY. It took a few times before it was even comfortable let alone enjoyable, but that eventually came with a little persistance. Also, when I stopped breastfeeding, I felt more into it. Our bodies are not meant to want sex while breastfeeding, so it was definately harder to muster up the will to care while I was doing that. But especially now that I am finished breastfeeding, I am interested in sex and feel more like a grown-up woman again and not just a walking lactation specialist.

Our husbands may have it easy, it's true, and they may not understand how much work we do, and they may not really deserve for us to try and be ready for sex when we're not really ready, BUT... They are our support systems and I'm sure they carry burdens that we can't understand. I feel like it's a small area to just suck it up and give them what they want that yields big return. If your man is being "taken care of", he is probably happier and sweeter and funnier. It is incomprehensible how much men need sex to survive, but if that's all it takes to keep him happy and to keep my household happy and to make my own life easier by having a happy, smiling husband, I'll do whatever I have to do!!! It's a process and you have to take it slow, but you have to start somewhere. And who knows, you may start enjoying it again!

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J.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

You're not alone! Twice in 8 months since baby here! Pityful, terrible...but it hurt and I just don't have the desire. I know I have to make an effort, my husband/ marriage is worth it!

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J.M.

answers from Honolulu on

I am so glad you posted this because I can so relate and it's nice to see others out there do too. My husband barely worked for three years before the birth of our son. He ran the ouse and I owned a business and worked a lot. I set up the business for me to "leave" and work at home. Five days after the birth, he goes back to work full-time! I know it was that he was finally motivated to start his business, but the timing really sucked. We talked about his working more, but not 40+hrs/wk, trying to start a business, and putting in way less baby time than me (which is a 24/7 job). I am with baby 24/7 and still have to run my business, which is not at all running at it's full potential. So, I too am a little bitter to say the least and find myself very snappy with hubby. Before we almost never had a fight (seriously, for like 7 years, we never had one fight). Also, I tore and when it healed it connected to the other side! So talk about sexual frustration. We have probably only had sex 10 times since the baby was born almost 8 months ago. Just like other posters said, this is the biggest transition of your life and it's CHALLENGING! It's hard for hubbies too. They say, "having a baby enslaves the mother and alienates the father". We just do our best, and know that all the hard work pays off as well. Just look at your beautiful family. Also, this is basic philosophy, but I try to remind myself not to think negatively. Turn that little voice off in your head that constantly tells you what you feel bad about. Practice thinking positively and it's amazing how you'll feel better. One more thing, educate yourself on what happened during your birth. There are some great books out there. My favorite was http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp...
or any of the Sears books.

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D.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

I had a similar experience after the birth of both my girls. The hormone shift makes things drier (KY is your friend) and being sleepy makes it hard to "get in the mood" when being a mom is 24/7. My husband and I had to schedule intimate time -which doesn't sound sexy - during naps or when the baby was playing with some wonderful toy. It may be quick little bites of time for a while, but he will see you making the effort (which is important). The fun somes back, you'll see! It's just a little more creative.

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