Inlaws and Parenting

Take away her babysitting privledges during the week and let her have him during a weekend night occasionally. Its freaking awesome to see TWO parents stand up to MIL and defend their parenting style rather than roll over to "make peace" you should be VERY happy with your husband for standing up as much as you did, it gives me the warm and fuzzies!! Be sure to thank your husband for having your back and find other arrangements and let her know you disagree with her discipline methods and for the sake of not confusing your kid and turning him into a brat you are finding other arrangements for him during the week. I'd kick my mom in the shin if she pulled that on me!

Your husband is awesome and has huge cojones for drawing a line in the sand with his mom. SO many mamas ask questions about MIL situations because the husband won't deal with mom. Your hubby's right. Find someone else to watch him. Where I live, there is Kindercare which has childcare part time or full time. See what's in your area. Sometimes free family care isn't actually "free".

I agree with your husband. She already said she will do what she wants. I DON"T agree that she can discipline him however she wants, when he is with her. A caregiver should be on board with the parents and mimic their discipline style. Otherwise, the child will be completely confused and have NO idea what's expected of them. Not only that, he will surely act out with all the inconsistency. You're husband is right, and your child will benefit from someone else watching him.

I think you should stand by your husband on this one. He knows his mom. Plus, he's the dad. Plus, you kind of agree that you don't like her undermining your discipline. Who knows what she will say to your son when you're not around?? "Your mom doesn't know what she's doing." or "Your mom shouldn't treat you like that." She's likely to put a lot of negative comments into his head -- if she says things like that in front of you, I imagine it's worse in private.

Stick to family events where you or your husband can be there. Maybe your MIL will get the hint.

The issue with daycare is tough one though. For one, they may not be high quality. Also, your son is likely to get sick more often from the other kids in the daycare. It's also very expensive from what I hear. Most, don't you have to pay week by week, whether you're there for 2 days or 5 days a week?

I'd definitely limit your son's time with the MIL one-on-one. Good luck.

Your kid - your rules.

I agree with hubby. MIL should only be used for childcare in emergencies.

I agree w/ the other posts in doing what your husband is suggesting. Believe me when I say that I am going through a simliar situation and it's 100% awesome to see that your husband is being proactive and has your back. Your MIL should not be able to discipline your son unless it's aligned w/ how you and your husband do things. Hitting another child is NEVER OK so for her to say it was, is a major issue. Best of luck, it's soooo tough having to deal w/ family!!!

I just want to say that I was a daycare teacher and most children behave differently for different people. They know who they can do what with and it doesn't confuse them. I would still let MIL watch the two days a week and teach your son that when you or husband are around he will need to follow your rules even if grandmother is there. I would consider taking him out of her care if it was like 5 days a week but 2 with her and mostly with you he will have a great understanding of life and things that you want him to know!

A high five to your husband! Sorry you are going through this, I know from experience how hard this is. Your MIL did a terrible thing and she should never be allowed to act that way and she should NOT be a regular caregiver. She will turn your son from you. Again, speaking from experience.

I have a respectful relationship with my MIL now, but we had some very hard years where my husband needed to stand up to his parents. Stand strong!

I'll be the first odd one. I absolutely think that as mom, your way when you all are together. But children will get different messages from adults and different styles of discipline: babysitters, grandparents, school, coaches, etc. Grandparents are invaluable, their unconditional love, the indulgences, etc. Its a different, special relationship. I don't think it was her place to follow you out and try to over ride your authority. But when the dust settles, maybe think about what is most important: that moment or the relationship between your son and she. Does she have other qualities that you value?

Sometimes finding an alternate route for babysitting can preserve the quality of the relationship. Other times, it can tear down what you value.

I've given you no advice: ) Just some thoughts.

What an awesome husband!

WOW!!! Talk about undermining!!! My MIL NEVER did that - EVER. When I said NO - she knew I meant no. My mom is the same way.

If your husband doesn't want her to watch your son anymore - look around - and see what is available. You don't HAVE TO BE AS MEAN AS POSSIBLE - you need to stress to her that consistency counts in raising a child and if he is told by his grandmother that smacking someone is OKAY and it is NOT by you - then there will be problems - HUGE problems.

Rules are rules. She HAS to respect the way you want to raise your son - if she can't do that - then he will ALWAYS put the two of you at odds - it's just what kids do (like asking mom when dad isn't around and not getting the answer they want from mom - they go to dad and BAM!! trouble starts...) DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!

I would try and talk to her again today - and explain to her - without your son around - your rules and why you enforce them - if she can't understand and respect that - explain to her that you and your husband will be finding someone else to watch your son for those 2 days she normally does.

GOOD LUCK!!

Follow t\your husband, we had to do this with some relatives and it lasted 2 months... the longer you let it go the longer it will take for her to understand that her son is no longer a little boy that needs to be told how to raise his own children and put his wife in line.

I guess I will be an outlier here and say I wouldn't "take him away" form her care for the 2 days over this, nor would I be mean over it. SHe was way out of line to contradict your authority in the moment, but unless you have good reason to belive she's doing all sorts of things "wrong' or that are completely incongruent with your parenting styles in those two days she watches him, why would you remove him from her care there? I guess i don't see the connection unless you can tie it to a larger issue rather than that specific event.

I'd argue it's quite valuable for a child to have quality time and bond with their grandparents and it's good for all involved. I'm surprised your husband had such a visceral reaction (wanting to be "mean" to his own mother?). There must be more involved than just this simple (outrageous but highly specific) incident.

Good luck!

Hurray for your husband in standing up to his mother and agreeing with you, his wife. I see parents letting kids hit all the time now and it's never okay to do that so just taking a child aside to discipline however you chose to do that is great. It's not the MIL's place to say anything at all ever in front of that child while you are taking care of a situation. However now that I'm a grandma I can see how easy it is to try to 'rescue' the grandchild. You seem to get a lot more easy on a child then but still it's not our place to interfere. I hope that you can both be 'firm' and not 'mean' though. You can get your point across and still be kind and firm and if you have to take your son elsewhere until she gets the point then do it firmly but kindly. She is family and will be in your lives for a long time and you don't want to regret anything later. Be sure your child knows you are the parent though but he needs to love his grandma too.

Sounds like you guys have a good plan. Its not ok for kids to hit and her undermining you on it is ridiculous. Saying that "she can do whatever she wants" is very disrespectful.
It would be a different story if it were something simple like giving him a cookie before dinner but telling him its ok that he hit another child is only going to hurt him in the long run. You have to do whats best for your child.
My mother and my MIL LOVE to spoil my kids, but would never do something like that. I hope you guys (meaning her) will come to an agreement without a lot of drama. Good Luck!

I don't even agree that when he is in her care it's entirely her discretion how to discipline your child. With any caregiver, there should be communication and consensus with the parents. If she won't even give you consideration when you are there.... She so would NOT be watching my kids alone, ever.

Well first, congrats to your husband for standing up to him mom. Second, if you take your son away from your MIL then she will resent you and feel it was your call not your DH. So, keep your son with her. You may need to have a sit down with her and your mom, if she is close, together and tell them this is how you discipline and if they would let you do that when you are around it would make matters better. But tell them they are allowed to discipline how they feel is best when your son is with them and you are not around. But they do need to keep with some of your guidelines. We did this with our parents and it helped a lot. We came to an understanding and never had a problem afterwards. Don't remove your son. It will not be woth it in the future. Good luck and God Bless.

If you want to do right, then take him elsewhere. He's obviously not getting the discipline that he might need. And yes, she does need to get it through her thick skull that you are the parent's and not her.

It was good that your husband stood up to his Mother for you, it shows her that you are both in agreement on how to deal with your child. However, to take the child from her home because you don't agree with how she disciplines would not be right.You said you want someone to discipline him while he is their care, but do you think that she does not make him behave? He is in a home where he is loved and cared for, you may not find that result somewhere else. You also have to look at how your child feels about that...to all the sudden not be going to grandma's may truly confuse him.

I watch my grandchildren at various times for my kids, and I know that I don't discipline the way they do, but the kids do have to behave when they are here. Our 2 year old grandson actually lives here and when Mom is gone and we have him, he knows he has to behave. I agree it was wrong to undermine you, and my grandkids know that there is no way that will happen, but it's a 2 way street...my older grandsons are 11 & 12, if they get in trouble here and I ground them, they are grounded at home too. They know this and it helps me and their parents.

Think long and hard about taking him from someone who loves him. Sit down and talk with your MIL about the rules you have and see if you both can agree on a discipline that will benefit everyone. If done during a time when there is no conflict, you may find it helps with the outcome! Hope things work out for the adults for the benefit of the child.

L.