My Child Has No Idea What Discipline is...Help

When my son refuses to listen, he gets the time out. We have a crib that he still hasn't figured out how to escape from, and we'll put him in there for a few minutes. If the crib doesn't work for you, you could try just putting him in a room and closing the door.

FYI: I think you should re-read your request, because it is unclear in some ways, and may be misleading. I think some responders will be critical in writing to you...and I don't want you to be discouraged from asking for advice.

I also want to point out that if you are truly single as you say (NOT married), then there is only a boyfriend, NOT a stepfather.

I have a child development degree, and have worked in child behavior management--here are some simple things to consider with your toddler.
Consistency is key in parenting. Have a plan for each problem, and stick to it.
I understand that you don't think you had enough discipline as a child and you want to be sure to discipline your child...There are many ways to discipline, and although I think spanking can be appropriate in certain circumstances, it is definitely not a "cure-all" solution for every child, or every circumstance.
You want your child to develop a conscience---to realize that his behavior affects other people's lives/feelings, and that it also affects how other people will interact with him. This is tough for a two year old!
He will mostly only care about himself at that age. He can learn that if Mommy is mad, she will not feel like cuddling with him, and she will not let him have dessert, etc. This a small step in the process of learning to care about other people's feelings.
Also, try to figure out WHY your son does these behaviors. Is he curious? Does he want more attention? Is he just bored? Tired? Hungry? Does he like the results that happen after he does a certain thing?
If you figure out what he WANTS, it is easier to substitute some other behavior (like climbing in a big cardboard box instead of the oven), or to prevent the behavior before it happens (because you know it is coming, and you can distract him with something else, or you can just change the circumstances around him).
For example, when my boys were younger, we realized that they would often fall apart in restaurants (and act very badly) at about the SAME TIME at night, and we realized that they were worn out and their exhaustion turned to hyperactivity. We had thought at first that they didn't know how they should act in a restaurant, but really it was just too late at night for them. So we made sure that we always headed home by a certain time, so they wouldn't "turn into pumpkins". Problem solved. =)

We have 5 children. My kids used to walk all over me and only listen to my husband. My husband actually taught me how to get them to respect me more.

You mentioned that you live with your mother, does your son obey her? Kids can sense who the authority figure is as soon as they step into a room. This is why they listen to the men. If your mother is not placing you as the authority over your son, this could be your problem. But, if he sees you disrespecting her, and she is in a place of authority, you could be setting a bad example for him and teaching him it's okay to disrespect your mother. Kids are smart.

Also, you need to show him consistency in your discipline method, what ever it is. The same thing needs to happen for the same offence every time, even if you're too tired or you think it's cute. Kids will walk all over weak people, especially mothers. Children respect those who they know are in charge and those they can rely on. If he knows what to expect from you, he will change his behavior. Hitting a child is NEVER okay. A couple of swats on the butt for a dangerous act or for downright willfull disobedience, is a different story. But, spanking has to be done consistently but not for every offence, but it has to be always for the same offence. I mean if lying is worthy of a spanking, it has to be done everytime the child lies. The same with every other form of discipline. A spanking has to be done without being angry and with lots of love.

If one of my children doesn't do what is expected of them, or if they are not minding, or throwing a tantrum, they are immediately picked up and put in their room on their bed and the door is closed. This is not a time out, usually just a wake up call that they can't continue to do that.

Everyone is a critic, and because you're young they will all try to tell you what to do. I had twins at 19 and everyoen thought they knew better than me. I listened and took the advice of those who had children, and those who had well behaved children. My oldest girls are now 11, and are two of the sweetest most well behaved children I know.

A two year old is testing you. He wants you to show him you are the boss and that you love him. He wants you to show him you can and will take care of him.

Oh, one more thing. Whenever any of our children are showing signs of trouble, misbehaving, disobeying, tantrums etc, we give that child extra attention. Extra alone time and more love and hugs. This we have found, helps tremendously, a lot of times kids will act out when they aren't getting enough positive attention.

Good luck.

I heartily recommend Dr. James Dobson, of Focus On The Family radio program. Their web site is FOF.org and you can find days and times that his radio program is on in your area. He has had a plethra of guests on his program over the years and has written numerous books, as have his guests. One of his best-selling books is, "Dare To Discipline," which has been updated over the years. Check out your library because most carry a number of his books, and check out Link+ at the library to get a larger selection of his books. You can also get a monthly free family magazine that covers numerous areas of children/parents/grandparents for free - just call 1-800-A-Family. Another great person is Dr. Kevin Lehman. He is on the morning news programs (Good Morning America, etc. )and elsewhere, and people love him. When his kids were young and if they threw temper tantrums in stores, he and his wife just stepped over the child and kept on going. That made the child realize they had no control over the situation. He has a wonderful sense-of-humor about raising children and the library also carries his books. One thing I've learned with young children, like yours, is that you can't talk or reason with them to get them over this acting-out behavior. You have to have an attitude of: Umm hmm, whatever, you are still not getting what you want from me, because I will not respond to that behavior in any fashion whatsoever. You have to ignore it, even when others around you give you questioning looks and you think they consider you to be an unsatisfactory parent. Try it, it works and it doesn't take long to get your child calm and behaving you. But, really, get the books because they are full of such good information. Best, Karen

My best advise would be to be consistant and follow through. If you tell him for example "If you touch the TV you are going to have to sit in time out" then when he touches the TV you need to put him in time out like you said you were going to. I personally think that spanking is an okay punishment, let me clarify that spanking to me is only on the bottom and no pants down or anything like that. I certainly do not condone abusing children, but I think that they need to understand who the parent is and who the child is. My biggest challenge is that sometimes I don't feel like getting up and disciplining my kids, but I know that it is necessary for me to be consistant otherwise they run amok. I hope that helps! Good Luck, he is still young enough to let him know who is in charge. What works for the "father figures" how do they discipline him? Obviously it is effective so maybe you should try doing that. Also another thing that I just thought of it that if those "father figures" are not being respectful to you then he may be following their example....

You can raise a wonderful child without EVER hitting him. That is not going to make the difference.

You're not chopped liver, you're a mother. Mothers are safe, warm places to go to.

Your son is ONLY 2!! That's VERY young. The best thing you can do when your son is acting up is put him in his room, away from you. Then he will learn that when he acts up, he can't be with you. IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT, HE WILL BEHAVE.

I REPEAT - YOU DO NOT NEED TO HIT HIM. Do you think your mother wasn't a good mother because she didn't hit you? I doubt the things you don't like about her have nothing to do with that.

LOVE your son. It is the best way to raise a healthy child.

My kids screamed in restaurants when they were 2 and they are all great, well-adjusted kids in high school. If your kid screams in a restaurant, leave. The truth is, when kids are very little, it is hard to eat at restaurants. We hardly ever ate out until they were older.

Dear S.,

You don't sound like a tyrant at all, you sound like a frustraed young mother, who wants the best for her son. Been there myself. My son is now grown up with a very successful business of his own and a very well adjusted man.

There must be something good about your mother since she and dad allow you and your child to live in there home???

My suggestion is get your own place even if its small. Stop dating the guy who your baby listens to since he doesn’t listen to you and evidently the guy isn’t helping the situation. In fact STOP dating for a while and start being the “take charge” mother.

Being a working, single parent is a very hard, yet can be a rewarding experience. Get him into a good day care (You can get financial assistance if you can’t afford it), with structure. Limit the visits to grandpa’s house.

When he isn’t listening, get attention by removing him from the situation. (i.e. if your are in a store or restaurant and he starts acting up, pick him up and take him out. You may have to have your food taken “to go” a few times, but he will soon get the picture.

You really need one on one time with your son so he realizes you are the “Major” care giver in his life and he must listen to Mommy when she is speaking to him. Once you have a solid relationship "mother to child" established, if your current guy still wants a family relationship/marriage, go for it. But please give you and your son at least 6 months on your own. It will be good for both of you.

When someone really loves you, they stay around and respect your decisions and boundaries.

Blessings.....

Greetings S.,
As the mother of 5 and having raised several foster children. I am now a Grandmother of several cuties. I tell you this so you will see tat I have a few days of experiance.
When I ran a day care I was always startled by the children that were great with me but the minuet that the parent came into view they were horrible. More than once I'd have to step in and count to 3 and would say EXCUSE ME & they'd stop- you see they knew they couldn't do that with me.
It has everything with what you are allowing. It has nothing to do with you being a woman but about taking the easy way out and allowing it.
2 year olds are at an age that they need to know that there are boundries and what the rules are so they can grow and develope. My children laugh when they hear one of the grandchildren try to teach me to count higher than3. My 2nd son will tell them Nana's not to bright I tried to teach her when I was little too! But they all know that if I have to get to3 there is a consequence and I don't just threaten.
My son and daughter in law, are great example that if their children are misbehaving, they remove them from the rest of the people so they don't have an audiance and if at a store will take them out and paddle the bottom and then give them the chance to behave properly because others should not have to put up with the child's rudeness.They also have a 2 year old. Even at 2 they are able to understand the boundries that are set for them. There is so much more to parenting than just feeding,playing,andprovideing for them-- the real work comes in preparing them to be the people they will become in the future & if you can get things under control as a young child then as I learned they won't be perfect as teens but will make it through those years easier. I know that I am proud of my children and grateful for what they have taught me. Parenthood is like riding a roller coaster ride - it has lots of twists and turns and adventure. So take charge and let the little one know that you are in charge and not him.
Good Luck, Nana Glenda

I actually read this to my husband (he works with cps and used to work with ed children in a school setting) and he recommends looking into parent project, and the nurtured heart method. have you looked into parenting classes with your county or through your hospital? this letter seem to be a very loud cry for help and i would hate to see you resort to extreme discipline because your mother didn't as you seem to be suggesting. not that i disagree with any parent that chooses spanking (and i read your update) as their personal choice along with other methods. remember, you can not reason with a 2 year old. you have to be the mom and "make" him show the good behavior. this may mean leaving a public place, repeatedly putting him on time out, taking away toys, and letting him cry it out.
please check out the nurtured heart and parent project suggestions for your sanity.
good luck mama.

How does your son react to being put in time out?

The book 1-2-3 Magic will gave me some postive ideas on discipline! I recommend it.

I agree wtih Clare on the recommendation 1-2-3 Magic. I reread it last year for my 7 year old and it works wonders. In My opinion and what I've read several times, a two year old isn't going to be able to process reasoning, They just can't. 1-2-3 magic helps you discipline unemotionally AND is very effective. It isn't physical and I don't know if you want to go that route for several reasons. What happens when your son is physically bigger than you? And thinks it's okay to hit family members? That's not to say in situations where they could be harmed (I'm thinking running out in the street moments) that it isn't called for but I don't feel it would be affective for my child. With 1-2-3 magic you do have to stick with it and be consistant! I liked it because it allows us to move through those moments that need discipline and focus on the positive fun things in life.

Buy an oven lock - you can find them at Target or Babies R Us and seriously, try stepping out of yourself for one second and see things through your son's eyes, maybe then you will be able to determine what would be an effective way of communication between the two of you.

Dear S.,

First of all I want to give you a big hug for asking for help. You are not alone. Many parents, first time, third time, single or married are torn between the joy that their child’s smile can bring and the ways that that child will act out when growing their own identity. Nothing is more important and essential in making your child feel loved and safe then your structure and consistency. While this may sound easy I know that the moment your child acts out you can forget all about the love you have and intend to give him. So whatever ways that you show him structure should start by you checking in with yourself and loving yourself first. Remember to get support from people who want the same things for your son that you do. That may not be anyone in your family, his stepfather or even anyone you know. I sponsor a parenting group in the East Bay for first time parents. I don’t know if you can attend but I would love to have you join us. If you are in the area please contact me through Momasource or Facebook. Remember your son loves you. Even in the face of his worst behavior (that can be a struggle between becoming a child and remaining a baby) he wants your love most of all. Children learn the most from who we are not from what we teach them.

Best always,
C. A.

The important thing to remember is that you are the adult. That means that you have more determination than he does. You are in control. And you have to speak as if you are, calmly, firmly, loud enough that you can be heard, but not screaming. Decide what the rules are, in advance, and calmly enforce them every time. In the case of the oven, stand nearby, say, "Out. Now. This is not a toy." Give him a second to see you mean business and if he doesn't get out, calmly pull him out and set him on the floor. Close the oven and go on about your business. If he does it again you do it again. For yelling in restaurants, with your face up close to his, look him in the eyes and say, "We don't yell in restaurants. Indoor voice, please." if that doesn't work, do it again and add, "if you don't behave yourself we are going to have to leave." You may have to follow up and take him to sit in the car (or outside at least) and calmly but firmly tell him you'd rather be inside having fun, wouldn't he? Ask him if he is ready to behave and don't go inside until he says yes.

Tone of voice is very important. You may have to practice by yourself. Watch the actress Sigourney Weaver. If you are unsure of how to sound like you are in control. I don't want to say that disciplining a 2 yr old is like dealing with Aliens, but...

I know this is hard, but it's important to set the stage for later discipline now. First of all know it's normal for a child to "act out" the most with mom. You are likely the most consistent caregiver and therefore the safest to "act out" with. Try to remember this when you are getting frustrated dealing with him. Next consistency is very important. Don't assume he knows the rules, tell him. For example, people don't sit on oven doors, tell him he needs to get off by the time you count to three or he gets time out. Count to three. If he is not off take him to time out. He will probably kick, hit, scream on the way, but stick it out. If he finds that he can create enough of a problem and he gets his way, then he learns he just has to keep at it to get what he wants. Difficult at two, really difficult as a teenager. If you are in public and he starts screaming, take him out. If he can't calm down then you have to go home and he goes to time out. Tell him this is what will happen and then follow through. I only had to do this once or twice per child for them to learn I was serious. If he is screeming in the car, pull over where it is safe and tell him you are not moving until he stops. If you were going somewhere for him, cancel it and go home and he goes to time out. Never make a statement you are not prepared to follow through on. (This means at times you must think carefully before speaking. Make sure the punishment is one you can live with - this applies more when he is older) Never pribe your child for good behaviour. Good behaviour is expected. Obviously he's a kid and they mess up. It's about setting expectations. Every once in awhile he could get something special if he was really good. This is to acknowledge really good behaviour, but don't let it become he's been good, so now he expects a reward. When you go somewhere tell him the behaviour you expect before you leave home and again when you first get there (they forget easily). I found this one by accident, but it works well. For example, when we went to Grnadma's & Grandpa's, the rules were no running in the house, no screaming, and drinks are only drunk in the kitchen. Remember be as consistent as possible and behaviour has consequences. You get to decide the consequences. Stay strong. This is not easy. I know I have four kids, now ages 18, 16, 13, & 10.