In Law Problems

First of all, I totally don't agree with what Sharon (another responder) said to do. I'm sure you know, but you never hit another person's child whether they're related to you or not. Second of all, I agree with another responder that you should inform your husband about setting the ground rules even if it means that you're the "bad guy". It is your home and you have every right to discipline her son the same way you would discipline your own. If she takes a moment and looks up from the TV to say anything to you, you should be blatantly honest with her and tell her that her son's behavior is not tolerated in your home and if she doesn't do anything about it, then you will continue to discipline him on your own. Your nephew will come to respect you for laying down ground rules for him in the house. Even better, it might even light a fire under your SIL's butt to get moving and get her own place. I think that whether your husband agrees with you or not, you have every right to say something to her...at least about sitting on her butt all day and then leading into the lack of discipline of her son. Kudos to you for even allowing your SIL to move in with you and your family. You must be a saint with never-ending patience! I'd be bald from pulling all of my hair out already! Good luck!

The first thing I would do is disconnect the cable service. It may be an inconvenience for you all, but it may force her to do *something.* If you are going to stores with him, but him on one of those kiddie leashes. Set up a rule with him, "You may be able to talk to your mom like that, but with me you will address me in this way...(insert your preference)" If he learns that the rules with you are different, he will respond to you differently than he does his mom. I would not recommend using any kind of physical punishment on him, it may stop him short, but he will not learn the right way to behave. Instead, give him positive attention when he does something good, and do the same with your son, especially when they are together- it sounds like he doesn't get much attention except for negative- so it reinforces the bad behaviors- for kids, any attention is good attention. Praise them both when they do what you want, or are being good. Unless they are doing something that is dangerous, ignore the bad behaviors, or gently, and without eye contact, redirect them to a better behavior.

You all may want to seriously consider going into counseling, to help figure out why your husband is not supporting you on this. You all need to set a date for them to move out on their own, or be productive members of the household, paying rent, doing chores, etc, but it will be better if you come across as a united front, or else he will undermine your authority by letting it continue. Left untreated, this could break up your marriage, and he needs to realize that.

And to just try and give a perspective on her, and without knowing her, I could not say. But there is the possibility that she is going through a depression- I don't know her circumstances that brought them to you all, but some of her behavior *might* not be just out of laziness and disregard for you, but because she is in such a poor place emotionally, and she needs some boosts to get her back to functioning. Again, TV removal might help. But perhaps helping her get set up with a job counselor, or work force training program, or even a meeting with a community college to see about her going back to school, can get her thinking to her own future- outside of being the sponge on the couch.

Have you tried to talk to her about it? If you did and it hasn't helped, it's time to talk to your husband and express your fears for your son. If all else fails maybe daddy/uncle needs to go to the store with the two boys, maybe seeing it for himself will open his eyes.

Mmm, tough choice. I had a similiar situation only it was my neice and her boyfriend. It was supposed to be a win-win situation, however neither of them would get up for work in the mornings, they were continuously being fired from jobs (not that they could not find one), they were eating me out of house and home, running my dryer constantly, and her dog was ruining my carpet (because they would not walk him throughout the day even though they were home)! Along with other behaviors that I did not want to instill my daughter.

I tied all kinds on things to inconvenience them, like unplugging the dryer (saying it was broken), had to hide my daughter's lunch food (which they'd still some times find), I stopped grocery shopping, crated the dog so she'd bark when she needed to go out, constantly asked about how they were going to make rent, how the job hunt was going, ...

Fortunately, it was 'my' house and despite the resistance I got from both my mother (about starting a family fued) and my sister (who thought this was normal behavior for 20-something kids) ... I had to put my foot down.

I had three options: accept it (not happening), change it (can't change those spots), or make them move on.

I sat down with my neice and explained to her where I was and the things I already had going on and then we talked about the added aggrevation she was 'unknowingly' causing me (considering it started out a win-win situation). I gave her a deadline to make things better or move out.

They opted to move back in with my sister.

Good luck.

And your husband, he is between a rock and a hard place and most men avoid confrontation with women. Just how close are they and how far extended are their family ties? He should be mature (you two are a unit that needs to stick together here) enough to understand where you are coming from and expect his cousin to help out some place (she's got to have something to offer), not be an additional responsibility.

If it were me in that situation I would give the sister 1 warning that if she doesn't dicipline her son then when he acts up that you will dicipline him like you do your own child. I would also remind her you are doing her a favor by letting her live in YOUR house and she should respect that or she is going to have to go. I would also tell her to start looking for a job and pay you a little rent, it doesn't have to be much but she shouldn't live in your house for free. Good luck and I hope you can figure something out.

I truly understand your situation. I was going through the same thing with my husband about his sister and I told him I don't want to have to make you choose but either I go or your sister, so either do something or I will. I started putting apartment ads in the our bedroom, printed out moving van reservation, and other stuff. Sure enough she was gone two days after that. My advise is to let him know you and your son is being effected, try to direct the situation on how it is effecting you too. Let him know you will make plans to do what's best for your son, try not to make it sound like a threat, but a promise.

I've been there done that. Whenever you let family move in there is a strain on your family. But i found out from past experience rules have to be set from the very begining. The second go round when we had family move in we gave a three month period and a list of chores were given. Even down to the little one,(3yrs old).Both ladies of the house were the cooks for the meals every other day. The men chores were fixing things in and around the house, keeping the lawn cut, garbage, etc.. The children had to help keep rooms clean, pick up toys,set table, wash dishes, etc.. And we made sure we had a family meeting once a week to sort out things that might have been going on. Most importantly you and your spouse have to be in agreement at this. Because let's face it your marriage is on the line at the time. You don't want trying to do a good deed turn into something bad. I hope this helps best of luck. S. C...

It's a lot for you to take on with extra family in your home and she should respect that! If her son is teaching your son bad things this needs to end. Talk to he not your husband.

hi J.,
your husband needs to hear you out! i went through the same situation with my sister. i threw her out! you don't want your son to be acting like his cousin. you and your husband need to seat down and you need to tell him how you feel regarding his sister. it's ok to help a family member ,but when they don't want to do anything in the house or for themselves that's a problem.

Hi J.
You do indeed have a few problems on your hand. I have to agree (to some extent) with the other advice. If you are caring for her child you are also allowed to discipline. It's your house, make rules and stick by them. Four year olds need discipline and guidance.
Next you need to get your husband to agree to rules that must be set, let him know you'll be "the bad guy" if he can't stand up to his sister. Did you have a period of time set for her to live with you before she moved in? If not maybe it's time.
It's hard but remember the child is not the problem the parent is, set a good example for him, be sure to let him know the rules you deem necessary in your home and don't let them be broken.
Good Luck

wow, tough situation, I'd say if she's not willing to discipline her child and you are the one always caring for him, then treat him as you would your own son, and don't let him get away with any of his tantrics. She'll probably end up feeling very inadequate when she sees you disciplining her son, and that will probably lead to the kind of conversation you may need to have to determine your future relationship. One thing is for sure your husband needs to stop siding with her and talk to you more about the problem!

good luck

i really understand what you are going throw. and what i can said is have you try to sit down and talk to your husband and his sister.

I would first address that fact hubby takes her side. That is just not acceptable. You are his wife and you and your son are his first priority. Second, if you husband is not on your side the next part is going to be impossible. Set a deadline. Explain "Dear sister in law, we are so glad we could help you get on your feet but I know you cant wait to be on your own, making your own way so let agree by January 31st, you have a place to go. I will help you start looking for an apartment" and get the newspaper. But if your husband is taking her side, you are just the bad guy and if you cant get her out, set her straight she is a guest in your house and here are the rules !
Even POST the rules on poster paper in the kitchen. C.