18 Year Old Daughter Living at Home

Updated on August 02, 2013
T.N. asks from Schenectady, NY
18 answers

I have a daughter who does absolutely nothing in the home. She expects the same treatments and privilages as her younger siblings. She acts irresponsible, is not willing to help out in the up keep of the house. She comes and goes as she pleases and shows no appreciation for myself or her siblings. All day she spends on her facebook page, cellphone and in front of the tv. I ask her for help and it always ends in a debate or i aint doing it and i dont have to. I end up losing control and we end up argueing. I exhausted and over her choices and feeling angry with her all the time. Our relationship has been a trouble one. At the early stages of teenage hood, my daughter had boyfriends, many were troubled behavioural boys. My daughter would run away when her boyfriends would threaten to harm themselves, or they would want to break up with her. I would become angry, and not deal with it will. She wouldnt turn to me or listen to what i had to say. She was very defiant, honestly right throughout this age. I would have huge fear of seeing the emotional stress she would go through. The hurt that i would witness and the impact
her irritable behaviour would have on myself and her brothers.

What can I do next?

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

cut her off from the electronics. those are privileges that you earn. She gets a job and pays for her own then she gets to use them. is she going to college in the fall? is she still in highschool? at 18 she can be booted out does she realize this?

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

I take it that she has finished high school? If so, you need to tell her that it's time to move out. Give her a deadline. Make her go out and get a job, even if it's at MacDonalds. Tell her that she needs to find someone who needs a roommate to move in with. Cover her first month's rent, and that's it.

The only way you're going to make her grow up is through tough love. It will be hard, but you need to do it.

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

Sounds like ultimatum time.....get a job, go to school, or get the F out. Time for tough love.

7 moms found this helpful

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

She needs an ultimatum to encourage her to make a plan. I suggest you change the password on the wifi, shut off her phone, and put password protected parental controls on the TV (so she can only turn on Disney or the Weather Channel). When she comes to you asking about the changes, you can give her these choices.

1. Want to stay in your home? Get signed up for college or vocational school, and do this list of chores.

2. Don't want to stay, but need to stay until you're financially able to move? Get a job, save money for X number of months, and move out. Do chores and help out until you move.

3. Don't want to do chores or help out? GTFO and go sleep on a friend's couch.

Your house, your rules.

7 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from New York on

What are her long term goals? Is she a high school graduate? Is she attending college or working full time? My 2nd daughter barely graduated high school and said she had no interest in college. We told her that it was her choice however since she was a grown up she needed to live as a grown up. She had to get a job, pay for health insurance (back before you were allowed to be covered by your parent's plan until age 26), and be a responsible adult. Since her father and I didn't sit around all day she wasn't able to do that either.

So you need to sit down with your daughter and lay down your expectations on what she needs to be an adult. With rights come responsibilities. At this point she wants all the rights but none of the responsibilities.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

You kind of brought this on yourself. When she was younger around 12 you have started mentioning that chores, school, and jobs are important. I kept telling mine that there would be no freeloaders in my house. You would go to school, join the military or get a job when you graduated. Son went into the military. Daughter started school but got a job. they have been self sufficient ever since.

There are things you are going to have to do to let your younger children know where you stand. Otherwise you are headed for more of the same headaches you have now.

Good luck with enforcing some kind of change with your daughter. Stand your ground and follow through no matter how hard it seems to you. If you don't, when you are 65, she will be living with you along with any kids she may have.

the other S.

PS Time for tough love.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.A.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm reading a lot of comments and I am shocked. At 18 I still had a 12 am curfew. My mother gave me a choice which was go to school full-time, work full-time or do both but there was no sitting around her house doing nothing. We were also required to clean everyday no matter what. She still to this day does not ask any of us to do something she tells us and I'm 29 and live on my own with my own family. My mother was a single mother and we had rules and boundaries. The one time my sister decided to stay out all night with her boyfriend at 15 she found herself homeless for 3 days. I think that was a bit extreme but she learned her lesson the one time I thought it was ok to talk back and disrespect my mother I found myself living with my grandmother and going to church EVERY SINGLE DAY for a week!!!! Still angry about that but after that I learned to be mindful of what came out my mouth and how it came out. Due to my mothers tough love I am a responsible and respectful adult and so is my sister. My mother is now one of our best friends and I appreciate her for pushing us. I am shocked to see that so many parents allow their kids to walk all over them the way they do. My 12 year old doesn't even try it.

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W..

answers from Chicago on

You weren't willing to deal with her problems before and you aren't now. This is something you could talk through with a counselor.... How to confront her and hold her accountable. You're doing your younger children a disservice by allowing them to see that you aren't able to set boundaries. You will have the same trouble with them.

Tell her it's time for her to be on her own. You are sorry, she will have to learn how to be an adult on her own since you didn't make her earn those privileges all along.

You could offer to pay for a life skills class... Or provide her with some therapy sessions to help her get her exit strategy and new life set up.

Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Time for some tough love.

I have an 18.5 yr old daughter headed to college and she can't wait to be independent, responsible and on her own.

Yes we support her financially within reason but she's managed to paint, and do things herself in her new condo as she takes ownership and responsibility.

She's had a very gifted childhood but she also knows it is not a given that it takes effort and work to get where to are.

If my daughter were like yours... If she's not in college... She needs to ante up and help or be charged rent

Updated

Time for some tough love.

I have an 18.5 yr old daughter headed to college and she can't wait to be independent, responsible and on her own.

Yes we support her financially within reason but she's managed to paint, and do things herself in her new condo as she takes ownership and responsibility.

She's had a very gifted childhood but she also knows it is not a given that it takes effort and work to get where to are.

If my daughter were like yours... If she's not in college... She needs to ante up and help or be charged rent

3 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Kansas City on

If your kid wants to spend all day online? Change the wifi password and make her earn it. I think this is genius. http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/07/sor...

Unplug the tv. Turn off the cell phone. You are in charge of it if you pay for it.

Is she still in school or has she graduated and now is freeloading? My husband and I were both given similar ultimatums after graduating that boiled down to having to get a job and move out 6 months after graduating, unless we went to college, then it was 6 months after we graduated from that.

If she's still in school....well, I probably wouldn't expect more out of her than a school aged kid, but even my 6 year old has chores and I can't remember a time growing up when I didn't have them myself.

If she doesn't have to be a contributing member of the household, she doesn't have to be a member of the household. Sometimes you have to let the kids make their mistakes.

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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

She is 18. Is she going to school? My house rules were, you work full time and pay rent, or go to school.

Set up rules that "start" at the begining of the school year.. The rules have to be what you and your husband agree on. If she is going to college, the rules might be different if she is working full time. if she does not follow said rules..she needs to find a new place to live.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Well this is a case of you reap what you sow. She didn't just wake up an a self-absorbed, defiant, irresponsible adult. This is the child that you raised.

I think that family counseling would be a great step for you. You need to learn how to parent teens better, and she needs to manage her behavior, set some expectations for herself and live up to them. I think the two of you need a lot of growth, maturity and healing in your relationship.

She eventually needs to understand that living in a home (any home - yours or on her own) comes with responsibilities and rules. If she's not in school, she needs to have a job, pay you rent, pay some utilities, pay for own gas and insurance on her car, her own cell phone bill, groceries, etc. She needs to adhere to house rules on things like what time she comes home, whether or not she has guests over, foul language, drinking or smoking etc. and understand that even though she's technically an adult, living in her parents' home with younger siblings means that she still needs to be a good influence on her younger siblings and respect you (and your husband, assuming you're married). If she doesn't like that, she can move out and see what it's like to manage all of these things on her own.

I don't really understand how you got here. My two oldest are 15 and they know that after they graduate high school, they are expected to be enrolled in college or some kind of vocational school, join the military, or get a full-time job. I don't ask them to do chores, I tell them. And most times, they do their regular chores without being reminded and all that I end up telling them to do is additional projects such as pruning hedges or power washing the deck. Before they make plans for the day on weekends or on school vacation they ask "what do I need to do around the house today?" We're certainly not the best parents ever, but our kids understand that as a family, we are all responsible for getting things done. It's not an impossible concept to teach.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

She is 18, she is an adult and you are allowed to set conditions on her continuing to live under your roof. (If my kids are not in school or working full time towards becoming self reliant they would not be allowed to stay after high school) Write out what you expect of her (whether that is rent, cooking, cleaning, ect) and she either follows it or she finds somewhere else to live. She is taking advantage because she thinks she can.

1 mom found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I don't know what to do for this but I do know what I think.

I think that kids need to go to college if possible. If they don't want to go to college or go to a vo-tech style college that would teach them a trade then they need to go to work so they can realize they need to go to college and get an education.

I'd go through some resources and find different programs you can enlist her in. The military, a vo-tech college, a work study program....they go to another area and work to help those people...Tom Hanks met his wife while they were filming a movie about this kind of program....job corp?

She needs direction and meaning to her life and she is floundering.

Give her some incentive to move forward. For instance give her a place to live as long as she is working or going to school otherwise she needs to find a job of some sort within a month. She can keep the money, she will need it when she moves out within 6 months. Give her a date to be out by and on her own.

BUT you can also plan on her moving in with a boyfriend and getting pregnant.

1 mom found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

"All day she spends on her facebook page, cellphone and in front of the tv."

Who is paying for these electronics?
If it is not her, you can confiscate these items. Let her know she can have them back after she does her chores for the day.. each and every day..

She needs a list of chores for each day. Posted on her bedroom door.

And I assume she is looking for a job? If not she needs to be out and about looking for one.

Has she graduated from HS? If so, she really needs to find a job and start saving to move out. Or if she wants to stay with all of you.. come up with rent, her portion of the monthly bills as well as her cell phone..

Some kids need to just have all of this spelled out in writing with their signature to make sure they understand.

You decide how long you are willing to put up with her behaviors, then give her a date for when she needs to find a new place to live, if she is not willing to carry her weight at home.

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K.S.

answers from Detroit on

The issues you have raised didn't start this year. There's a lot to review. Review it with a therapist.

Aim to get DD to a therapist as well. Problem is, she's 18, and she no longer has to do what you say in regards to that. She if she'll go anyway, if only to try to learn how to interact with men and make decisions about her future career.

Yes, she should have responsibilities if she wants to remain in your house, but the way the message is delivered can make or break the moment. It is not a request, but a requirement for living in the house. Pull out the ice cream and have a talk at the kitchen table or go for a drive so that you can converse and still have personal space. Talk about the pressures that you face, acknowledge the pressures she faces. Tell her that people living together need to work together to take care of the house. Work on building the relationship.

There are some great ideas from "Love and Logic" about this topic. One is to make a big poster and list everyone's name and under the name, each person writes down what he or she is responsible for. You may have to make your list for a month before you point out what the kids will be responsible for. Put "pay the mortgage" onto your list. Also put "pay for electricity" and other items separately. Leave off cell phone early on, because that is one area that needs to be written under DD's column.

I'd be so tempted to ship her out of the house, but then you will have a grandchild coming along. Do it after you make a good last attempt at building a relationship. Give yourself a deadline. Follow through as needed. You can do this with the therapist.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

First, where is she getting computer access and who is paying for that cell phone? If you are providing both - stop! Just like she doesn't have to help, you don't have to provide her with ANYTHING any more.

If I were you, and I have been you, believe me, I would take EVERYTHING that you provide for her away from her. If she has her own room, well, now she sleeps in the living room floor - hopefully she has bought herself a blanket and pillow or else guess what, no blanket or pillow. Cell phone gets shut off TODAY. Computer password is changed and she doesn't get it.

Don't argue with her over this. Simply lock up her room and when she comes home, calmly tell her what's going on and if she wants to really be part of the family, there are certain things she MUST do. If not, she can sleep in the living room floor for the next 30 days while she looks for somewhere else to live. At the end of 30 days, she must move. If she doesn't, give her a 3 day notice to quit and when she's still there, file an unlawful detainer in court and get the sheriff to move her out.

Right now she thinks she's holding all the cards. she's 18 so she doesn't have to mind you, and she also can't be "made" to do anything because she's technically an adult. What you need to show her is that YOU are holding the cards and she is as far from an adult now as she was 3 years ago.

Good luck mom. Tough love is the name of this game. It's either that or you become her door mat!

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S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I would give her a list of chores or whatever you expect from here.

If she doesn't want to do the chores, then you might want to start charging her rent. You didn't say if she has graduated or still in school. If she's finished with high school, and not going to college, start charging rent - if she doesn't have a job, she has to do chores.

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