I Really Need Some Help with a "Challenging" 3 Year Old Girl

I am thinking get her to a child psychologist. She eats wads of toilet paper
and sand. There is more to this than a strong willed child. If you do not get a handle on it now, think what it will be like when she is 5, 7. She needs
Professional help now.

Updated

I am thinking get her to a child psychologist. She eats wads of toilet paper
and sand. There is more to this than a strong willed child. If you do not get a handle on it now, think what it will be like when she is 5, 7. She needs
Professional help now.

I'm with Patty K on this-- time to talk to a doctor. Some of the behavioral stuff does ring "spirited" or "strong-willed" child to me, but the eating of toilet paper and sand is indicative of a much deeper issue. Kids DO need their comfort/security items, so the blanket thing honestly sounds like a battle not worth picking. However, as I've said before--and I worked with kids for 20 years-- kids do not enjoy paper or sand. Pica may have something to do with some of this, but do talk to your pediatrician. It sounds like it's time to do some blood panels and then, see if a behavioral therapist/occupational therapist is in order.

I'm sorry you are having a tough situation. If your sure its not her trying to get attention because there is now a new baby in the mix then by all means get her tested. You might want to try and put her in a montissori pre school. They are usually a bit more relaxed and can move with her if she is having issues. Try taking her out one every few weeks just you and her and spend pure time with her. Really you should do that with all your kids.

I suggest it's possible that she feels challenged by you when you say no. I also wonder if you give in to her eventually when she pushes. Have you tried giving her more choices and using different words than no. Perhaps say something like, "I know you want milk. You can have a glass with dinner." and then completely ignore her efforts to get you to change your mind.

Being obsessive about emptying the soap dispenser and snapping crayons in half is normal. When you see her doing this instead of saying not to break the crayons, pick them up and put them away. Put the soap dispenser out of her reach. It's too great a temptation for her.

As to her blanket, always have it available. Wanting it always, is the way a 3 yo thinks. Having her blanket helps her to feel secure. Sounds like, for her, not having it is quite upsetting. Do what you can to help her.

It really does help to anticipate problems and do what you can to prevent them. It also helps greatly to not challenge a child with words but to make it easier for her to choose the right thing. And it's necessary to be consistent in doing this.

Just having something unpleasant happen does not work at this age. Their brain is still very immature and they're not able to connect unpleasant with their activity unless what is unpleasant is a part of the activity. Always taking the crayons away, even not allowing her to have them for the rest of the day will make more sense to her than getting in trouble and having Mom yell at her in frustration will.

There are several books written about how to manage a strong willed child. I think one is even titled Parenting the Strong Willed Child. They will have additional suggestions. They will also help you to understand possible reasons for this behavior and thus be better able to respond in more effective ways.

After your SWH I suggest that you get an evaluation. Perhaps take her to a developmental pediatrician who can see what she needs and then arrange for treatment from the needed professionals. It does sound like she has some important issues that need attention. Refusing to see her father on Skype, etc. indicates to me that she is angry that he's gone. There is more going on than anger/depression but that is a place to start.

Eating non-food items can also be an indication of an emotional difficulty.

I would insist that the pediatrician listen to me. I suggest you make an appointment to talk with him/her without your child present. Ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician. If your insurance doesn't require a referral then call your insurance and get the names of ones that they cover. Then you wouldn't need to see the pediatrician first.

Time to talk to her pediatrician. You're dealing with extreme behavior. Our oldest has ADHD and I've learned that it's so important to get medical help early. She's not too young to be pursuing medical guidance. I thought I was just a horrible parent and was told by many "he's just an active boy" when it was a medical condition instead. Getting help can make all the difference in the world.

Sounds like you have a strong-willed child. My SD was similar--still is. There's NOTHING wrong with her. She used to ask and ask and ask for things until you wanted to just do ANYTHING to get her to stop. You know why? Because it worked. Eventually someone would give in just to shut her up.

If she doesn't have what she wants, she's not going to do what you say. For example, she wouldn't sleep without her blankie. She'd stay up ALL NIGHT rather than sleep without it. Same with music. If she got her iPod taken away, she'd say she couldn't sleep without music until she made herself hysterical (and you) and you want to give in just to get her to SLEEP.

Someone always gave in. She's very strong-willed and one-track minded. If you told her to stop, she'd just keep going. She may be like your daughter, not malicious (which is why it was so hard to figure out what was wrong) because she'd keep breaking crayons (or keep walking into the street) with a SMILE on her face. And you'd catch her, punish her, then five minutes later she's doing it again.

You have to be HARD and CONSISTENT. You have to be stronger. You have to IGNORE. You have to give swift and IMMEDIATE consequences that are SHORT. Long time-outs don't work, but swift and dramatic consequences seemed to work. If she breaks the crayons, you take them away. When she goes to color, she gets broken crayons.

Stay steady. There wasn't anything wrong with my SD, she's just strong-willed but not mean. She's fine now, age 11. She's still strong-willed, but grew out of many of the things you're talking about.

Good luck!

First get her to the pediatrician for a check up...eating things that are not food in large quantities can be a sign of being nutrient deficient...it is called pica and is commonly occurs in pregnant women. But in others as well...

Then other than that she sounds like a perfectly normal strong willed child. And a perfectly normal three year old child...(sometimes they skip the terrible two and save it for three).

There is the book the Stong Willed Child by James Dobsen...it is from a Christian view point and does recommend spanking, BUT it has other techniques as well...so it is worth a read!!

Also a child psycologist (your peditrician should be able to recommend a good one) can help you with techniques that can help you and help her. So, go ahead a find one and go get her evaluated. It can only help!!

Good luck and big HUGS!!

My almost 3 year old is very difficult as well. She is very destructive, defiant, and strong willed. She has meltdowns, breaks things, and jumps on everything. She draws on walls, shreds paper, leaps from the top of the bunk beds. It's exhausting.

I finally took her to see a pediatric developmental specialst because I wanted to see if she had some sort of disorder. She doesn't--she is just "spirited" and has a sensory seeking personality. She now goes to occupational therapy on occasion, which helps. I also recommend the book The Spirited Child.

Not OCD, OCD is compulsive rituals.

To me, everything sounds typical of a spirited child (except for maybe the eating of wads of toilet paper and sand). My 10 yr old daughter is quite spirited. She used to do many of the things your daughter does. I used to worry constantly that something was wrong , but she was just strong willed and determined to get her way at all costs. Some things have improved, but others haven't.

Sounds like my 5 year old. You just have to be consistent and hang in there. Do not do back to basics, it only led to resentment in my daughter.

Instead, we do a lot of sending her to her room. If she is interrupting activities and being anti-social, then she can't be with the family. She hates to miss out on anything, so this does tame her temper and tantrums. Just make your expectations clear, and then when she starts up, remind her that she needs a calm, normal,voice, etc. or she has to go to her room until she is calm. Also, you need to remain calm at all times --ya right, i know, impossible, but.....

Also, try to turn this around. These are children that are persistent, know what they want, and pass the marshmallow test easily. They seek sensory information because they are smart and engaged with the world. These strong willed children will be CEOs, nothing but. Yes, they are hard to manage, but in the long run, they will turn out brilliantly.

I like these two books:
If I have to tell you one more time, McCready
Taking change: caring discipline, Nording

I purchased "Parenting the Strong Willed Child" when my first born was 3 yrs old. I am now the proud parent of an 18 year old girl who is true to her values, knows how to stand her ground and is headed straight toward, head first, toward meeting all her lofty goals!

Strong Willed is annoying at age 3. Teach her how to respect authority, believe in herself while understanding those around her and empathize with her peers who are suffering. You will have an awesome person that brings so much joy that you will look back at these days and laugh.

We learned to count to 10 together at age 3, because I needed it A LOT!!! I can't believe I'm one of the "old" moms saying this now, but you are going to miss this.

I don't hear anything firmer than time outs in this. In which case it's all normal. Many kids won't stop themselves from doing stuff like breaking crayons just because you ask them to-no matter how serious you sound. None of mine would have without firm discipline. Same for tantrums, messes, and everything you list (except maybe eating weird stuff, but I had one who did that too). I have a three year old who was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT by nature and showed all the propensities you list, but she was consistently and firmly disciplined and nipped them all by 2 1/2. She was much tougher than her older two siblings. MUCH. Now she's difficult and dramatic but sweet with great self-control, but time-outs would have never phased her. She needed immediate and FIRM consequences to these things the MINUTE she started them EVERY time.

I recommend Back to Basics Discipline By Janet Campbell Matson. Once you firm up and get more consistent with the majority of the behavior, if she still shows weird signs of something being "off" it will be easier to tell and get experts involved. Most of it sounds like normal spirited behavior.

****added after swh. Again, what do you mean she could wear dress-up clothes for days and then pitch a drag 'em out fight with a physical struggle to remove them from her? Your discipline is not firm enough. There is no possible way any of my three year olds-even my very big strong male one- could have possibly "forced me" to let them keep on the dress up clothes. And I would not have had to wrestle them about it because their consequence for disobeying my request to take them off THEMSELVES was SERIOUS. And throwing any fits about it would be a whole new serious offense and consequence. What was her punishment for playing in poop the second time she did it after a MAJOR WARNING the first time? What was it the second and third time? Was it REALLY SERIOUS? Or was it a time out? If it WAS REALLY SUPER SERIOUS then maybe there is a problem, but it seems like she does not have effective resistance to her behavior from you. What happened to her the MOMENT she ATTEMPTED to put the puzzle piece in her mouth after a warning? How did she manage to repeatedly complete the task of eating these things? Either she is bionic and totally off her rocker in need of massive medical intervention, or she's way out of control in search of effective boundaries. If you have not been absolutely consistent with anything firmer than time outs, start with the tougher parenting books for spirited kids.

Everything except the eating things sounds normal. I would strongly recommend you look into positive parenting. Laura Markham's aha parenting site is a great place to start.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/

I personally never saw the sense of either time outs or punishment so I have never used them.

This sounds very extreme and I sympathize with you. I would video some of this and go to your doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist and/or counselor. Sometimes doctors do not recognize how bad things are until they actually see it. I think OCD could be part of it. My daughter has OCD, but not quite as extreme. She drove away friends. She was controlling and seemed mean at home and at school, but it was her OCD driving her. I took her to a counselor who helped her develop coping skills and now she is in college and has lots of friends. But I do believe some people with OCD need medication as well as the counseling. The way you describe her as not seeming away of what she just did sometimes makes me think of dissociation also. You might want to video an episode of that also for the doctor or psychiatrist. She definitely needs help or she will be a very unhappy little girl with no friends and an exhausted mother with no time for her other kids. I would think that your other kids resent her for ruining most of your family time. I know my son still has some resentment toward my daughter. You are a good mother and don't doubt yourself. The last thing I want to mention is EFT (emotional freedom technique). It is a tapping technique on acupressure points that you could do at bedtime that can help resolve many issues. Here is one website about it curing OCD http://www.cureocd.com/eft/. The website eftuniverse.com is good and so it tapping.com. There is a technique where when you are saying good night to your child and tucking them in, you tap on the points and say phrases that you think will help them. Good luck!