I Need Some Help with My Very Shy Little Girl

It looks like you have a lot of advice already but I wanted to add one thing. My daughter was also shy and would not resond to people out in public. I would look at them and tell them "I am sorry, she is just shy." This went on for a long time. Then one day I realized I was doing the wrong thing. I stopped and she grew out of this shy stage. I think I prolonged it by labeling her shy. Just something to think about and avoid.

I agree with the other answer- practice practice practice.. sign her up for dance class or gymnatics or soccer .. take her to the libray for story time.. get her out there with people...

My daughter was an amazingly shy child and I took her everywhere..she has improved a great deal so far she does great in mom and tot classes adn talks.. but we still cant get her in independent classes..

My daughter was like that too. When she started kindergarten she finally opened up. She will be 6 next month, and I feel alot better about her being in first grade now then I did when she wouldnt talk. People at church who she knew would talk to her and she would just look at them and not answer. I made the mistake of telling them that she was just shy. All that did was give her more of an excuse not to talk. After awhile of dealing with this, we had a talk about how it is rude not to answer someone. I showed her how it felt, I did not answer her when she talked to me, she didnt like that. I honestly believe that there is nothing wrong with your daughter, she is just testing you to see what she can get away with. You mentioned that even if she doesnt talk people still give her something. I would make it clear to her, that if she does not talk and use her manners, then she will not get anything. Just tell whoever it is who trys to giver her something, that she cant have anything until she can talk and say thank you. After a while of her not getting stuff. she will get mad and give in. There is a little girl in my class at church who wouldnt say anything for about the first 2 1/2 months. She would shake her head yes or no, or point. Her grandma said she talked all the time. She wouldnt even respond to the other kids. Well one day when we were having snack, she wanted more animal crackers. She went over to the box and pointed to them. I knew exactly what she wanted, but I told her that if she really wanted them then she would have to ask nicely for them. She just kept pointing to them. We did this for about 5 minutes. Finally I told her that snack was almost done, so if she wanted those crackers then should ask soon. She finally mubbled. with her hand over her mouth " can I have some more crackers please", I said I can understand you with your hand over your mouth. She was getting pretty frustrated with me by now, almost to the point of crying. But she finally gave in, she said it loudly, and got her crackers. All the kids in the class were shocked, they all started saying " she talked she can talk". Ever since that day she talks nonstop, and I have to tell her to quite down sometimes. So there is hope for your daugter, sometime kids just need to know that they are not in charge. Hope this help somewhat.

You might want to teach her how to say "please" and "thank you" in sign language. http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm -- this site has little vidoes to show you how.

We did that with my 2 boys when they wouldn't talk, they had to at least "say it with their hands". It helped a lot and soon they figured out that it was OK to say it with their mouth at the same time.

This could be a baby step in the right direction. Good luck.

I have a 6yo that sounds just like your dtr. As a matter of fact, she was still having occasional accidents in kindergarten because she was too shy to ask to use the restroom. She will not say hi to friends or adults in public either. I used to get embarassed but the more I feed into the personna of "she's just shy", the more she uses it as an excuse. We have tried our best to enroll her in activities that take her out of her comfort zone but with the security of my hsb and I being nearby. We've done soccer, gymnastics, dance etc.. This is the first year where I feel like we are finally making some progress. She will probably always be on the quiet side but I don't worry about what other people think anymore. I know the progress we have made and that is all that matters. Good luck to your little angel. She will be just fine and you will rejoice like I did the day she gets in trouble for talking in school!

I myself was EXTREMELY shy when I was younger & it lasted into my teens. Just like your daughter, when at home I'd be fine. I always wondered why I was so shy, but it took me along time to overcome it. I now realize that I probably have this thing called Social Anxiety. I do still get nervous/shy at times, but I also force myself to do things I don't want to try & overcome it. It is something I usually deal with daily. If I were you, I'd get her into as many extracurriculars as possible & maybe talk to a counselor? I'm not one to advocate putting kids on meds, but maybe things would've been different for me if someone knew what I had/have. Also, don't make her feel as though she is wierd for this but encourage her & build her self confidence!!! Hope this helps.

s/w a child therapist/child psychologist. You not her at least initially and get input from a professional. As parents we don't always have the answers and need an unbiased professional.

Also, my next door neighbor's daughters is that way and she is 13. Personally I believe it is because she is obese. Which the mother does nothing about. The mother is unhealthy, and obese, as is her parents. Very sad.

I am not implying that is the reason for your daughter's shyness. Just letting you know there are others out there who experience shyness with their children and there can be an underlying reason.

Good luck.

No on ever said parenting is easy.

Many blessings,

M.

My son was very shy as a little guy.... good news is that they will most likely grow out of it. I put my son in a class there he was the oldest and most able. 2 days into the class he was the director of the class telling everyone what they should be doing. It really boosted his self confidence. I always tell him remember when.... how nervous you were and how much fun you ended up having. Works everytime. Good luck!

Hi T.,

It's still early in the school year. If the teacher says she is doing ok then I would keep a watchful eye and kind of let things go for the time being where school is concerned. Maybe re-evaluate after Christmas and if she is still very shy or non-verbal then possibly ask for the school to do an evaluation to see if they come up with something. All three of my boys were non-talkers for the longest time. I just kept at it with making them ask me for things in full sentences with the please and thank you after. Ask the teacher to get on board with you in making her ask for things properly but the teacher needs to be a bit more attentive to your daughters needs. If your daughter is having accidents because she isn't asking to use the bathroom the teacher needs to make herself more aware of the warning signs your daughter needs to go, asking your daughter and reiterating that if she needs to go she needs to ask. You might want to consider your daughter may have social anxiety in groups that are too big. My boys have meltdowns when there is too much going on around them or if situations are too crowded or loud. It's sensory overload. Maybe your daughter needs some sort of break or bathroom card she can hand the teacher to start advocating for herself if she can't do it verbally yet. Then she could gradually start talking by saying the teachers name before handing her the card and so forth. Whatever you decide to do remember to take small steps and give lots of praise when she does say something appropriately with few or without promting. Eventually you'll be able to work through it with her.

Good luck - S.

PS. Another thing you can do with her is read to her and have her read to you as she starts recognizing words. That goes a long way with speech development and comfort speaking.

I agree that you should look into selective mutism. My daughter has it and no amount of pressure, threats, or telling her how rude it is to not answer someone is going to help. I tried putting her in dance and by the 3rd or 4th class, she would not even go into the studio or put her tap shoes on. Putting pressure on her is the last thing you want to do. I watch my daughter's face change when she feels anxious, and she will not even answer me. It is not a control issue. It is not her seeing what she can get away with. It is hard to hear my child say that she cannot talk because she is too scared. Also, do not worry if someone thinks that she is rude, your priority is to you child.

I would discuss it with your pediatrican and see if he has any tips. I think the more socialization she has the better. Perhaps a dance class? Story hour at the library? I think it may be one of those things that she has to "practice".

Please check out the website www.selectivemutism.org