I Need Alone Time in My Own House

Don't ask, tell. He is the childrens father and out of that responsibility and respect to you, he should simply do what you need. Period. Too stressful?? So that just means he needs more time alone with the kids to work out his own issues not less time. Tell him to take the kids and go and don't back down. Don't demean youself by begging or throwing a fit, be an adult and insist he act like one too.

Good luck
Oh, and stop looking at it like he is doing you a favor by 'taking the kids' while you grocery shop, his kids, his responsibility.

Since you're a SAHM, like me, I would suggest altering your personal schedule. I stay up after the kids are in bed. They need much more sleep than I do. I'm happy with 6-8 hour a night, but they need 10-12. So I put the kids to bed at about 9-9:30pm (and if we've had a very busy day, like at the waterpark or something then even as late as 10pm), spend a little intimate time with the hubs then he goes to bed (he gets up at 4:30am) then I stay up until about 1-2am to take care of projects I can't do during the day, like polishing the floors, arranging next week's lesson plans (I homeschool), going through the kids clothes for things they've outgrown (I bring it all down in a pile before bedtime so I don't disturb them) etc... Then I go to bed at about 2 and get up with the kids some time between 8 and 9am. It's perfect. I get all the sleep I need and for a few hours every night I get a completely silent house in which I can concentrate on the things I can't get done with the kids under foot. I can't do anything noisy, but the noisy things, like vacuuming, I can do while the kids are up and about.

Here's a partial list of some of the things I accomplish during "mom's quiet time":

make hubby's lunch, iron his pants and ready his tea for the morning
organize garage
organize basement storage
research and plan lessons
research and plan vacations and family activities
dust, mop and polish hardwood floors
clean fridge
clean microwave
clean oven
clean dishwasher
scrub bathrooms
organize laundry (kids cast-offs and hand-me-downs)
clip coupons
put away clutter
sewing (mending and new projects)
crocheting
wrapping gifts
composing grocery lists
composing to-do lists
writing legal documents (for an on-going custody battle)
writing school papers (for college)
putting together practice plans for my soccer team
formulating soccer plays
refurbishing household objects into educational tools
sanitizing countertops
sanitizing toys
some cooking and freezing of last minute dinners or lunches
washing my car (yes I've done it in the dark with only my garage light, but it's do-able)
cleaning toys/trash/dessicated chicken nuggets/year old M&M's out of my car
vacuuming/detailing my car
cleaning away cobwebs/dead bugs on window sills
organizing baby supplies (restocking diaper bag, snack baggies etc.)
dishes
laundry (quietly, since the washer and dryer are upstairs near the bedrooms)
dusting (although my oldest loves to dust he can't reach everything and I don't want to "fix" it in front of him and make him feel like he didn't do well enough)
reading, reading, reading (my favorite)
watching nick-at-night (it's funny and light hearted and we all need some of that some times)
organizing pictures (on computer and in books)
correspondence (e-mail, facebook, sending pictures etc.)
organizing kids art supplies (going through looking for dried out paints/markers/clay etc.)
going through recipe books for new recipes and comparing ingredient lists to what I have available
online comparison shopping (when we need something big/expensive, I comparison shop online first then go pick it up from whoever is offering the best deal)
brainstorm learning activities
go through mail
bookmark websites regarding things my kids are interested in (sharks, bugs, bridges, American Revolution, Civil War, Air&Space, dinosaurs, ancient Rome, whatever)

and so on......

As you can see, you can do just about anything during those precious hours at night when everyone else is asleep and leaving you alone! :)

Sometimes our husbands are like our children and we have to encourage, prod and threaten for them to cooperate.My suggestion is to tell him the day and time you want to have your me time agree to it then set it in stone on a calender, then give him a list of things he can do with the children. You are not a babysitter you are a mom and he is a dad. You need your balance (decompress time) just like he needs his (golf saturday mornings). Btw my husband goes golfing every saturday too ;). Good luck.

You are definitely not alone in this! The only time I have EVER been alone in our home since we moved in was for one hour when hubby took the kids to church one evening because I had finally lost it and basically had a toddler-like meltdown so he took them and left. ;) Now, the times I get alone in my home are because I hired a mother's helper during the week. She comes a couple days per week and plays with the kids in the basement and/or takes them out for walks, to the pool, etc. As for your husband, he NEEDS to take responsibility. It is not a favor he owes you, they are his children. If it's too stressful for him, he will quickly learn the same skills you had to to be a SAHM. I would set a date and time and tell him he will be taking the kids out of the house and not returning until the time is up. Period. I completely understand where you are coming from and there simply is no compromise. The compromise is you are with someone else (someone very needy, aka, a child) ALL the time by being a SAHM and asking to be alone is well deserved. Good luck to you!!

Even if hubby was willing to give you alone time, its not that simple. If you are on the premises, it would be h*** o* you to hear the fun or problems going on and not want to join in. My advice is to take up a class - painting, scrapbooking, pottery, etc - at the community center; craft store; or NVCC. Then you get down time while focussing on something you like.
M.

Hi K.,

I must say I am truly surprised. How many children do you have? You go shopping, to the doctors, to the grocers and you even get a night out with the girls, and you are complaining!!! What gives? Is the clock being set when you leave home? Do you know how many mothers wish they had it so good? I don't even know how to begin to analyze alone time in the house with minor children...is it a commodity or a sophisticated way of saying you do not want children under foot. It seems you have a lot of down time.

Since you need to find alone time, children take naps, go to school, watch television, all types of things that can keep them out of our hair. And how about arts and crafts? My grandchildren (2 girls, now 3 & 6) use to love Dragon Tales, Max and Ruby and Dora, now it is on to another show. But the whole time these shows are on, I get that 25-30 minute reprieve to do something I want to do, cook, clean, do my nails, hair, etc. Not to mention when they take their daily naps (I am good for an hour or better, sometimes 2). When they do arts and crafts, just give them the supplies and let them go...tell them to make a picture for you. They love to see their works on display i.e. on the refrigerator or the bulletin board.

Sometimes we say things before thinking them through. But, honestly, you should be careful what you wish for.

I am totally with you. I have had him take them to lunch/dinner so I could get things done. An indoor playland usually gives me a few hours. Plus the girls love Daddy taking them to dinner.

does he have afriend with kids? we have a couple that have kids we know that i could send my hubby to. have him take the kids over there to visit with his buddy or mom or sister or whoever he would like to go visit. or if that wont work split it up. have one kid go see a friend and the other two with hubby.

You didn't write how old your children are. But, if they are old enough to play outdoors, and enjoy outdoors, that could buy you some time. Videos that they enjoy? If they like to play video games w/dad, would that help? Rest assured it gets better as they get older. My baby is 5 and my oldest is 10 1/2. My eldest loves alone time now. My 5-year-old still wants people around her, but can enjoy some quiet time. I had to teach them that. At 4 pm., everyone had quiet time for one hour. They could play quietly, lie down, or read a book, but they had to play alone. I got to read or watch TV. If your children are much younger, you can still follow that by re-instituting nap time. The only thing is I tried to rest during their nap time so I wouldn't be so exhausted when dh came home. Also, when dh plays golf, you might want to arrange a playdate with a trusted friend who doesn't mind keeping them while you do a project. Again, not sure of your children's ages, but if they're still preschool-age, then you probably would want to stick around. In any case, really look at your time and the pockets you do have. When do they go to bed? Can you take an extra 1/2 hr. before your bedtime to do something for you? Wake 1/2 hr. earlier? Yes, you need some quiet time for yourself. I used to wake at 4:30 am just to get it. A friend who has six children would stay up until 3 am to get it. SAHMs crave alone time. Don't feel guilty. And, sadly, the dads tend not to understand that. Instead of trying to force him to understand. It'd be like us understanding how they can be in the house and tune out everybody and everything. It's times like that I used to wish I could be more like a man. My brain is just not wired that way, and your craving alone time is your mind demanding a rest from the constant needs of the family, beyond sleeptime. Trust me, it does get better as the children grow up, so just be patient and create a survival plan until you get there. Use the time you have wisely and you'll find you love your family so much more.

K.,

Do you have a schedule? Are your children on one? If not, it's ok. I have a 2 and almost 5 year old that wake up at certain times each morning and I am pretty strict about bed times. I get up an hour before the first one usually gets up and that is my alone time in the morning. I get up at 6 am M-F and 7 on Saturdays and Sundays. I get my alone time also in the afternoon with quiet time. Everyone who is in the house has to go do something quiet for an hour or two. My kids go play in their rooms and if my husband is home, he has to go do something. For my husband that something is sitting on the computer. This gives you the alone time you need.
If you need a friend to take the kids for a few hours every now and then, go for it so you can dh can have some quality time. I go on a date with my dh every 2 weeks and it is so fun. We feel refreshed, relaxed, and ready for battle.
If you're not a morning person, it's ok. After the kids go to bed, take some time alone to unwind. You'll be ok. I went through this for a time and by putting my family on a schedule that best fits our needs, I have the alone time I desperately need.

It is really important to have alone time and your husband needs to understand how you feel. If he is not capable of pitching in to care for the kids hire mother's helper. Look for a neighborhood teen to watch your kids while you do....whatever, even if you stay home to do scrap-booking.
Find a mother of similar age kids to trade off babysitting. You watch her kids one morning a week and she watches yous.
See if there is a neighborhood day care center or summer camp program that will take your kids without committing to full time.
If you are looking for full time help call me. I can place an au pair in your home that would give you full time help. An au pair can help with the children's meals, laundry, and clean up after them. Au pairs can drive so they can take your kids to and from school, play dates, gymnastics ect.
Sounds like you are a single parent when it comes to the care of your kids. You can find the solution. Don't expect to rely on your husband if he is not up to the task.
E. Moss
Local Childcare Coordinator
Cultural Care Au Pair, Baltimore
###-###-#### - cell
____@____.com
http://emoss.aupairnews.com

What works for my husband is if I tell him specifically what I need to get done, and make an estimate of how long it will take. If I say, "can you be in charge of the kids for a little bit?" I think he finds that too vague. He says he'll do it, and then I find one of them underfoot while daddy is on the computer. Now I say, "I need 3 hours to finish this scrapbook, can you please entertain the kids and respond to all requests from them while I do this?" Being very specific works better for us, so maybe that'll work for you, too? Sometimes I even go so far as to say "I need from 1pm to 4pm, uninterrupted!"

Hi K. -

YOu've got lots of good answers here. I can share what has worked for me from my own personal experience. My kids are now 13,10,7 (and we still wrestle with this - they do demand a lot of attention!).

When they were younger, I was working at home (still do) and not only needed time for personal stuff, but also needed to get work done. I found that letting them do something together that was really out of the ordinary keeps them busy for a while - like they'll build a fort in my dining room with blankets chairs etc and then sit in there and do puzzles or read. I have them agree to put away whatever they take out before they begin, so that keeps them busy just a little longer, too, and I don't have to worry about another project when they're done!

When my youngest was home and the others were in school, I used to set up a little desk for her next to mine, so she could "work" alongside me. I got my work done and didn't feel guilty about ignoring her - one of my biggest reasons for working at home, of course, was to actually spend time with the kids!

The same principal works for scrapbooking. I'll give the kids their own notebook, paper, and old photos and they'll scrap alongside me.

Now, sometimes, I realize - you really just need to be alone. It is ok to tell your kids that. I was one of 6 kids (all within 8 year age span) and my Mom & Dad used to say every day from 7-9pm was "quiet time" - we had to go to our rooms and read, do homework, draw whatever - but no talking, no music. I complained at the time but totally understand where she's coming from!

We have quiet time sometimes too - not as a routine thing but when we really all need our space. My youngest doesn't like to be alone as much, so sometimes we'll snuggle up and read books until she falls asleep. And then I can read by myself for a while.

Bottom line though - you do deserve some alone time for whatever reason and purpose. You shouldn't have to scream, but you will have to be clear and firm with your husband and kids in letting them know what you need.

Best of luck,

D.
(editor, Piedmont Family Magazine - www.piedmontfamilymagazine.com)

Hi, K.,
Can you afford to put them in daycare once or twice a week? Or do you have a friend with whom you could trade days? One day a week she takes your kids, and another day a week you take hers.

S.

This is a tough one, K.. I feel your pain! When I would ask for down time when the kids were little....oh, I could go on and on. Let's just say I don't think husbands ever really get it. Being a SAHM isn't easy, but it beats the alternative! You may just need to sacrifice; again, that beats fighting with your husband. Try to look forward to your time when the kids are in school, and make the best use of that time. Until then, good luck!

K.,
It looks like you got some good advice here. I suggest asking your husband to start with a small amount of time, like playing with the kids outside for 30 minutes so you can get X chore done in the house. I'd be specific. Men need specifics. If you just say you want to do things around the house, your hubby may not see it as an urgent need rather than saying, "I need 30 minutes without you or the kids in the house so I can clean the kitchen floor and let it dry."
As far as your hobbies, can you do them at night when your kids go to bed? I think Moms of young children just don't have a lot of time to do their own thing, but that changes as our kids get older. I love to read but I only get about 30 minutes a night to read. Even though it is only 30 minutes, I cherish that time and I truly do think it is better than nothing. Also, I know my daughter will be grown and gone before I know it, and I'll have plenty of time for my hobbies then. (And I'll wish she were still little and home with me.)
So, try to work out reasonable amounts of time at first, then maybe your husband will see that he really can handle the kids on his own and offer to give you longer time. I can say that, depending on the ages of your kids, it may be difficult for one person to take them anywhere for very long.

I hear you, you are so right!! Some of the other responses are a little mean. I feel the same way, and I don't want to be alone to be productive...I want to be alone to watch TV, relax in quiet, think my own thoughts, eat alone, be like I was before I had kids.

My husband never was good about getting up and going either. My only advice is to plan out his day completely and kick him (gently) out the door. Give him a little printed itenerary of the trip so he knows when he can come home. Playgrounds are always good b/c men can just sit there. Have him take them for ice cream afterwards which of course makes him look like a hero.

I was feeling sorry for myself the other day b/c I have NEVER slept alone in my house since my kids were born (over 9 years ago). I take the kids to see grandparents for a week at a time and my hubby gets a WEEK to himself. I would KILL for that much alone time, too. You're not alone!

Have you thought about a Moms Day OUt Program? I run an in home daycare and I have in the past had moms who brought the kids just for a couple of hours to go to the doctor, clean the house or just take a bubble bath without someone knocking on the door. I don't know the referral number for the Fairfax area but check out the Social Services website to look for a Provider that might be able to help you out :0) Even SAHM's need some me time - even if it's at home. Like I said I run an inhome daycare and if it wasn't for my mom taking my girls every now and then I don't know what I would do. Good luck! If you ever want to schedule some pampering time - I am also a Mary Kay Consultant and can hook you up!

I hear your every word! I need to get stuff done that I simply can't get done with the kids around. Re-organizing, going through old clothes, rearranging, hanging up a picture, etc. Not the day-to-day stuff, but the odds and ends that you have to catch up on. I needed it over the weekend and it just didn't happen.
My husband is pretty good about taking the kids, but I have to explain every detail as to why, when and what he needs to do. I would recommend sitting down with your husband and explaining why it's so important to you. Even if it's just two hours a month that you have the house to yourself. Most dads don't know what to do on their own and need guidance, but once they know they can do it it'll be so much easier the next time around. He needs a lot of encouragement to have the confidence. The first time, take a lot of time to help prepare him - snacks, diapers/undies, toys, etc. ready for him. Once in a while my husband takes the kids for donut holes then to the playground. It's about two hours round trip and I love every second of it. The kids love it too. Good luck!

How many kids do you have? Your husband is making excuses (mine does the same thing) because he's never done it. He just needs to "rip the band aid off" and GO. I completely agree that you need alone time in the house. Tell him to take the kids (if he's freaked out by too much activity) through a drive through and then go park somewhere and watch the airplanes take off and land at Dulles, National or BWI. That will entertain them. Or, they can play camp in the car. Have you thought about a swap with another mom? You take her kids for 2-3 hours one morning at your house and then vice versa? It would be a lot of work so maybe a third mom would join you all in a swap.
Good luck. I hear you. It's hard to try to do all that stuff after the kids go to bed. I just want to sit down and go to sleep myself when mine do!

Explain to your husband that you need the time to decompress and that you will be a much better wife and mom if you get this time. My husband takes the kids to his mom's or sometimes the guys get together to watch sports and all the kids play together. Also, it is impossible to get things done with small children around. He should be able to understand that some tasks can't get done with little ones around. In terms of scrapbooking, I know of a few local crops that are free or less than $10. Let me know if you are interested. Yes you are entitled. Maybe even get a teenage babysitter to go to the park with the kids and your husband so he has a helping hand. Good luck!

K.:

Hello! YES! You are entitled to "K." time INSIDE your own home.

Try a compromise of time between his video games or movie time - tell him - "You get video time without the kids bothering you" I MUST/NEED X amount of time to do something for ME inside the home. I MUST have your support - I don't want to have someone come in and babysit while you are here - that wouldn't make sense"

If he doesn't respond to that because the kids are too stressful for him - ask him to trade jobs for 2 days. Then he will understand your desire and NEED. :P

If he doesn't bend with that - have him do those things that you want done. Say "okay - since this might drive you crazy - caring for your kids - please do the following for me......"

I'll keep you in my prayers!

best regards!

Hi K.,

Is there a park nearby? your husband could take the kids to the park for a couple of hours after he has finished golfing. Or how about the movies? Both of these activities are fairly easy (at least in my mind).

Good luck. I have three kids, 14, 11 and 6 and I haven't had "alone" time in my own home in several years. A way that I unwind is that after the kids go to bed, I lay down in the guest bedroom and read for an hour or so.

I totally understand where you are coming from! I was a stay-at-home mom for three years and have been working for three. When I get home, I just want to do nothing sometimes. My husband plays softball 2-3 nights a week, and my kids are also invovlved in t-ball and dance. So it is hard when I just want to sit down and do nothing. My husband is all for me going out, but when I tell him that I want him home to do what I normally do (cook, clean, watch the kids, etc) without me having to tell him what needs done, he doesn't understand why I don't help - go figure! So I take my time on the weekends when we are both home. I LOVE my naps, so I will take a couple of hours each day and nap. I also get my nails done so I go and do that (of course my almost 6 year old daughter comes with me, but I live for that!) So maybe just take advatage of some time in your room, or as the other moms suggested, swtiching days with another mom or even taking up a class...hope that helps!