I just back from a pediatrician visit for my 5 year old. He's been having trouble with pee and poop accidents for years. Now that he's starting kindergarten in the Fall, we've absolutely got to get things under control!
I told the doctor everything that has been going on. (Long story short, DH has a personality disorder. He's violent when angry, and angry a lot because everything bugs him. A month and a half ago, he kicked the son I'm talking about, who was still 4 then. There was a criminal investigation, police came and removed DH from the home, etc. This son has a protection order, so he hasn't interacted with DH in a month and a half). He agrees with me that the stress of living with this crazy, angry person has probably been the root of all the potty problems, and we both hope now that DH is gone (and staying gone--I've filed for divorce) things will improve.
He suggested that I re-instate a reward system to get my son back on track. We've done charts before. When he was just starting training at age 2, he got a chocolate chip every time he used the toilet. As he got older, that seemed too juvenile, and we moved on to a sticker chart. He had a big reward (a family campout) when he filled up a large chart, and there was an intermediate prize of new underwear. It worked great.
But now that he's FIVE, those all seem rather juvenile. He's a very intelligent boy, and eschews all things he perceives as babyish. Last week, he gave away one of his birthday presents because it just didn't meed his standards of maturity :)
I also want to work on night-time control, although I haven't yet read the handout the doctor gave me. I think that should probably be a separate chart, or maybe I shouldn't even start that until he's doing really well with daytime.
So I want to have a new sort of reward system. Maybe stickers would work, and some ideas for the reward could be computer time, a date night with me, a special toy, etc.
Please, help me come up with ideas! He's so much older than kids usually are, so the usuals just won't work. please help me make him excited about doing this!
How about just talking to him about it. Let him know that teachers in kindergarten don't change diapers or help wipe, so it is simply time to be in underwear. He shouldn't need a reward for this. It is what he should be doing. Ask him what will make it easier for him. Maybe he has some ideas also. I certainly would not punish him. I suspect it will go better if there is no big deal about it - either positive or negative.
Haven't read your other responses, but night time potty training is totally different from daytime training. It is not within the child's control usually. It has to do with the size of the child's bladder vs the size of the child, and an enzyme that the brain produces while sleeping that signals the kidneys not to make urine. Really no way for a child to control that, and setting up a reward system there could backfire. I would just have him wear pull-ups at night until he is consistently dry, and that could even take a few more years. Please don't worry about that.
Now, for daytime training, since your son is so mature for his age, I don't think I would necessarily do a reward system. He is bright enough to know that children his age simply do not pee and poop in their underwear, unless there's some kind of emergency. I'd just be honest and say to him that you understand that life has been a little crazy for him, and you're sorry that he has been under stress, but now that you're getting back on track as a family and his father is not able to hurt him again, now or ever, it's time to focus on getting ready for school! One thing he needs to do for that is not have potty accidents. Maybe work with him on going potty at pre-determined times, such as when he wakes up, then after breakfast, mid morning, before lunch... just make sure he goes frequently so he's not having accidents. He will get into the routine. And once he begins feeling more secure at home with DH gone, he will become more and more successful with potty training. I would really try to appeal to his intellect, though, rather than doing any kind of reward system. Maybe HE has some ideas on how to improve this process. Success is really its own reward.
Nighttime dryness is not under the child's control. The research I've done on it all agrees that there are a percentage of kids that will wet at night even until age 11 or 12. It has to do with how they sleep and the maturity of their bodies. My daughter was completely out of diapers by 26 months, but she continued to be wet at night. Gradually, she wet less often at night until it happened 2 or 3 times when she was 8.
Ya know.. if all of this is due to all the stress, of your DH.... then THAT has to be solved.
Or your son will continue to have, problems. Emotionally.
Just because DH is removed from the home, does not mean that the "problems" are gone. BECAUSE, the emotions of a child... is CUMULATIVE. From the past, too.
Perhaps, your son, would benefit from Counseling or Child Therapy.
Your son's home life, was not good. As you said, your DH was VIOLENT and abusive. These problems, does not just go away. They accumulate, within the child. A child does NOT have "coping-skills" or the ability to deal with it. Thus, they get emotion based problems.
I think your son needs some sort of Therapy to help him. Deal with it all.
What he has gone through, with DH like that... all these years... is very, toxic for child. Its repercussions, are lasting and harmful, psychologically and emotionally.
A young child, simply CANNOT, cope and manage with all those problems, on their own. And for all those years.
What does he really like? If he likes camping, like you said, make it so every day or night he goes without an accident you will go one day camping or something. Or if he goes so long without an accident, he gets to choose a present or where to go for a weekend or something. Let him have a say in it so he can get excited about it! Make sure he isn't wearing diapers or anything at night so he can feel when he wets himself.
I tell my son he isn't allowed to watch TV unless he poops in the potty. After a few weeks, I upped it by telling him he couldn't watch until he pooped w/o being asked.
Find out something he would really, really love to have. Take a picture of it and then have it turned into a puzzle w/lots of pieces (Walgreens can do this). Then, every time he woke up dry or pooped by himself, he could fit a new piece into the puzzle. Maybe the anticipation of not know what he might be getting might motivate him. make sure its something he'll consider good though!
gl
Maybe you could toss a few fruit loops or cheerios into the toilet and tell him to aim for them? It would be more of a game that way. Then, if he hits one or two, you could give him a choice of something..like an outing to the zoo or to the park? Or choose what's for dinner, A or B? Or a movie to watch? Something he enjoys day to day that he can have a say in.
Have you thought about a button jar like if he fills a small jar with buttons he gets to get a 5$ toy then you up the jar size. the small jar may take a couple days and a bigger one a week. Something for him to anticipate and in the mean time you can be looking at toys in the price range so he visually sees what his reward will be and can chose the one he wants and work towards it. Just a friendly thought/ suggestion.
What about money? My dad literally bribed me with quarters to stop sucking my thumb... every time your son goes a day without an accident, he gets $1 in quarters in a clear jar somewhere he can see it... BUT if he has an accident, you take a quarter away. Have him go through toy magazines and pick out something he wants, and tape the picture to the jar. When he goes long enough with no accidents, let him take his own money and buy his reward!!
BTW, I'm so sorry about the thing with your DH. It's so sad... I'm proud of you; you're so strong!! :) Good luck with your son!! :)
