I Have a Crush....

Updated on June 13, 2009
S. asks from Saint Louis, MO
4 answers

I am so terribly confused! I have no idea why but I have been thinking alot about my friend's husband. I know that sounds really bad... and it's not like I will EVER act on it... But, I just don't know what to do. I love my husband very much and would never cheat on him. I am just really confused and don't have any one to talk to about it. What do I do??

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So What Happened?

Ok, so some information I lacked to provide is that my husband works overnight shifts right now and I only see him on the weekends. I think I was just missing him intensly because we spent so much time together and I feel much better. Honestly, I have not thought about the other guy since last week. I think I was just lonely and missing my man! I want to thank you all for understanding my situation and not calling me ugly names... Thanks!

More Answers



answers from St. Louis on

Are you sure not crushing on some attribute or characteristics that he possesses? Sometimes we can really be admiring someone's gifts and talents and we think that makes the person. When we get married we don't go blind, and we can admire the creation God has made-only in the purest sense. But since you are married you made a vow to be with your husband and even adultery of the heart or mind is still adultery. You need to be sure to keep these in check. NEVER allow yourself to be alone with him. Keep your husband or his wife, your friend, with you at all times around this other man. Do not jokingly flirt with him or at the expense of your husband. You need to keep your mind on your union with your husband. If there are issues in your marriage deal with them, get counseling, etc. Invest and recommit to your husband. Make sure you go on dates and love on your husband as much as possible to "fall" back in love with him. Stay strong. Self-control is underrated in our cuture, you DO have enough. You'll be saving yourself, your marriage, your friendships, and your friends marriage by excercising that self control. You can do it. Take care and know that I'll be praying for you.



answers from St. Louis on

When you fell in love with your husband, if someone whave proposed this scenario to you, you would have probably said, oh no I would never have a crush on someone elses husband, I love my husband sooo much. Now you are saying you would never act on this crush because you love you husband so much.

the fact is that there is a very fine line between feeling a certain way and acting on that feeling. You have the crush, acting on it will be easier than you might think.

I would try to look at this way. By having a crush on her husband you are dishonoring a friendship and your husband, but you are asking for help because you dont want to do that. The best advice I can give you is to steer clear of your friends husband for quite a while. Spend time with your friend, and with your husband, making those bonds stronger. Dont put yourself in a situation where he can smile at you, talk to you, or even flirt with you. If temptation arises, staying clear is the easiest way to avoid it.

We all have crushes come and go in our lives. Some are just admiring certain qualities, others may be stronger. My concern is that you are thinking about him all the time. You need to remove him from your life until you put him in his proper perspective, your friends husband, nothing less than that, and nothing more to you!



answers from St. Louis on

I like the responses you have received so far. Even the most attentive husband does not always understand all of his wife's needs or how to respond to them. It may well be that you have either seen your friend's husband honor or encourage your friend in some way that you are not feeling supported or honored. It may also have been a way that your friend's husband responded to you in a conversation that evoked a feeling of being admired or accepted. It may also be that you are only imagining that he is attentive or supportive in that way. Often, when we feel the need for something from someone else, our imagination will superimpose an image of someone who can satisfy that feeling. The extraordinary leap of acting on romantic imaginations and endagering family bonds is not only unwise, it never satisfies the needs that compels such things in the first place.

The more realistic approach is to try to understand what the 'needy' feeling is and think about how you might ask your husband to help you fill that need. Women so often feel that, if a man loves them enough, they will automatically know what she needs from him. It just does not work that way. We have to develop the maturity to understand our own needs and how to communicate them respectfully and encouragingly. It is important to not give your husband the impression that he has disappointed you. Rather, you can tell him you need some help with something that you feel he would be best to help you with.

It is important to tell your partner things like, "If you hear me getting angry or frustrated, I need you to be forgiving if I become critical. It only means I am having a weak moment and have forgotten what is most important to me. I need you to remind me of the kind, thoughtful, and encouraging person I want to be." or "You have no idea how comforted I feel at the end of the day when we are just sitting together and you rest your hand on mine (or on some part of me that aches). I feel so connected to you when you do that and it reminds me who we are together." or "Others may encourage me or congratulate me when I accomplish something, but when you express your admiration for me, somehow your words are just so much more powerful in my ears and in my heart."

Too often, even when we know what we want from our partner, we are feeling needy and present it as a complaint about something we feel we are lacking rather than honoring and encouraging our partner to understand our needs and feel good about responding to them.

Of course, sometimes what we need is something most men, perhaps all men, are not very adept at providing. That is when I go to my girlfriends. There are some things that men may be able to appreciate, but only girlfriends understand. It helped my marriage a great deal when I figured that out. I was no longer disappointed in my husband. I remember appologizing to him about this. I told him that I had seen too many movies with lines like "You complete me". I had come to understand that I do not need to be completed and, even if I did, there was not a man on the planet with the skills to complete me. I need my girlfriends to live a complete life.

Good luck with your feelings and thoughts. We all have unwelcomed and seemingly compulsive thoughts from time to time. Be kind to yourself and try to understand what it is you really need. Hope these ideas are helpful for you.



answers from St. Louis on

I find that when I am having a crush it is because there is something missing in my marriage. It doesn't mean I will act on any feelings, or that I love my husband any less. I just need to fill a void. I usually look really hard at myself to see what I am trying to fulfill and start from there. For me I usually get involved in a new activity, such as a playgroup, knitting lessons, taking any classes, anything that has me out and interacting with other people (mainly women and fellow mothers). Good Luck!

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