Husband and Tv/video Games

"I'm telling you 'I need an apple' and you're responding with 'Race cars are fast'. It doesn't matter how fast a race car is, it doesn't negate my needing an apple. They're unrelated. I GET that you need to unwind, totally valid, we BOTH need to unwind... but that has nothing to do with my need for your full attention. BOTH can happen, just not at the same time. I'm not saying you can't unwind. I'm saying I need periods of time with your full attention, and I need periods of time without all the electronics on. You need time without giving me your full attention and times to be plugged in. So how can we help each other out so we BOTH get what we need?"

Well, on one hand I see where you are coming from, but on the other I think you are missing what he's saying to you. He's telling you that he needs "downtime" when he gets home from work and you're basically telling him that you don't care b/c it's not what you want. I say this b/c my husband and I had the same argument during the first summer we lived together and as an educator at the time I wasn't working. He would come home and immediately surf the 'net for 30 minutes when I wanted to catch him up on the day's events. He would get annoyed and I would snip at him for spending "all of his time" on the computer.

Here's my suggestion based on what we did... set up real parameters. Don't whine, just acknowledge that you heard him and ask if he's hearing you. Odds are pretty good he's not.

He needs "downtime" after work. Great- 30 "uniterrupted minutes" should be enough time. This really means "uniterrupted" unless something serious happens. You don't say what he does for a living, but he may need the time to transition b/w "work and home".

You want "family time". Wonderful- your "request" (a.k.a. "rule) is that the t.v. is OFF during dinner and for the 30 minutes after dinner. During that time, you play with the baby together. No nagging, no talking about bills or other "non family" topics... just get on the floor with the blocks and the books and play. If he's "drained" after 30 mintues he needs to see a doctor.

He wants the t.v. on 24/7. Fine- but while the baby is awake, nothing violent or with foul language.

You want "couple time". Absolutely! For 30 minutes after the baby goes to sleep, you watch something mutually agreeable.

I know it sounds silly, but you are pulling at opposite ends here. You cannot keep your child from the media. It's simply not realistic, but you have the right and responsibility to control the input. It's getting worse b/c you are expecting him to cut out something that he really likes without being willing to flex.

Be realistic and focus on developing short periods of time for parent-child interaction. It is entirely possible that he doesn't know "how to play" with a baby and doesn't want to admit it. Show him, model the play behaviors and REINFORCE every "little concession" he makes.

In the end (for us), my husband still gets his 30 minutes of "putzing" b/c he really does need the downtime. I get my 30 minutes on the treadmill for the same reason. When our son is awake, the t.v. is on Nick Jr. or something "neutral" and after he goes to sleep... we pick something to watch together. He needs to see the reason or value behind the time with the baby and right now he just hears you talking about what "you want".

All I can say is that I can relate, I am a recent 'BLACK OPS' widow myself... stupid xbox live ;) I just stay busy with the other 'widows'... my (almost) mother in law, and my BF's best friends wife... the 3 of us get together, go out and shop, eat, drink, WHATEVER... because those guys don't even know we're missing. It's ridiculous, but it's a battle we'll lose every time so there's no reason to get ourselves worked up about it. Honestly, if it wasn't for the other 'widows', I'd probably take the damn xbox and chuck it!! The other ladies keep me sane. There are actually real support groups out there for people who 'lose' their spouses to gaming/social media sites. The only way I take a stab at the gaming, is if I accidently on purpose walk in front of it just when his team hit's a critical point... it's sooooo petty, but I love messing it up once in a while, just to be like 'remember me?! I'm real!!'... R.: 1, Black OPS: 0... but I almost always lose in the end ;)

Just wanted to add, have you seen the playstation commercial where the woman calls in to ask for advice about getting her hubby off the tv? The guy on the other end, instead of listening to her, goes 'shh! shh! SHHHH!!' because he's playing the game as well. Very funny, very true!!

"Hunny, please "plug in" to us for at least an hour or two before you "plug in" to the non living beings that you seem far more attracted to than your warm blooded family."
Figure out WHEN you really do want/need his full attention, is it immediately after he gets home from work or is it later like around dinner prep time? You will need to make a realistic plan that he can feel is "fair" to his somewhat immature habit.
Tell him you want 20 minutes of family time when he first gets home, and then he can plug in for an hour and then rejoin you and the kids, and maybe plug back in after the kids are settled.... Figure out a schedule that you think you both can live with and then tell him exactly what your are expecting. He obviously requires a schedule in writing, I think that might be the solution..... and he needs to feel that he still has some of his "me time". I know mom's hardly ever get any me time, but we can get it when we demand it. It's all possible with proper communication. Good luck ;)

It sounds like he has a real need to escape which is the real issue at hand and what needs to be dealt with. Being a father seems to be overwhelming him. And I imagine the more you push, the more he pushes back.

Can you find a way to leave the media issue out of the discussion and get him to talk about his role as dad, what it means and how he is feeling about it? Maybe he is just terrified about doing the wrong thing or feels he hasn't really connected with his son and is afraid of rejection. Are there male role models in his life who could help him transition?

Do some research too about the effect of TV etc. on children to have on hand if things continue to escalate. Maybe reading about the real damage he could be doing to your son will convince him in a way you can't.

I think we have enough to start a HUGE support group of women against video games!!!! Ha! with that said it gets better. It really does. Don't stop expressing yourself and the way you feel but it is time for him to try to limit the time that is spent and allow for a little bit of compassion for where you are coming from. My past experience with my husband has been to give more time right after he gets home and then try to get some "me" time after dinner and just before bed. We tried to find shows we both liked and sometimes I did sacrifice and watch "his" shows just to cuddle..It is just enough time to start to get the conversation going about sacrificing for the family...it has been 3 years since our little one was born and it has gotten far better. There were many arguments that I thought "oh I can't stand you!!" But I can tell you that with time is has gotten better. Another idea was to get out of the house to spend time together..walks, shopping etc. Have him join you for your outtings and hold hands again...it helped for us and I am hopeful that you will have the same outcome...with a shorter time period...

Be glad he is home,

I am also a "BLACK OPS" Widow myself. I think our husbands are different then we are, they need that down time, not saying we dont. I have been married for 11yr and it does get better as in now my husband takes a cat nap on the couch after work and will play xbox after the kids are in bed.

Good Luck and hang in there.

Hi Karin,

First, let me say I feel your pain.

My EX was terribly addicted to computer and video games. I didn't know there was even such a thing .. but lo-and-behold .. he was was bad as any other addict. We weren't married nor did we have childeren together. he was 40+ years old.

After 5 years, I chose to call it quits. The neglect had all but destroyed my self esteem.

If you feel like there is a real problem, you need to treat it like you would any other addiction. He needs help.

Good luck,
W.

I dont have alot of advice on this subject but I understand your problem. When we had our first little one I told my hubby that he could keep his PS but it had to be in the garage hooked up to the tv, not the living room. He put it there and ended up never wanting to go sit in the garage lol!! I will tell you that it takes dads a lot longer to become dads then it does for moms. From the time we find out we are prego we change into self sacrificing moms but dads it takes a while to figure out whats more important. My hubby didn't get it until our second one came around!! He is a wonderful father and husband but like all men sometimes thinks like a 17 year old!! :)

Seems to me that all of us would gladly change something from others...maybe others would gladly change something from us!! The point is can we ask, or threat, or nag enough for others to change? The answer is no! Simply put...Take all the negative and positive of the person you're interested in changing and put it in a balance. If the bad outweighs the good; run. If otherwise, stay and quit making your life and that of others miserable by asking for what something that is not for the giving.
Great luck to you and yours!!

aside from all the good answers on how to manage time, ask if he can watch his tv in a room that is not distracting the rest of the house hold.