How to Get a 5 Year Old to Learn and Be More Confident

I was an introverted child who was often terrified over trying new things. I remember the feeling of absolute panic and how it would grow and overwhelm me if I was "pushed". Luckily my folks gave up trying to push me after a while. I do regret that I didn't try more things as a child and I think my parents gave up instead of trying to find things I was actually interested in or would be a good fit for me. They signed me up for things I wasn't necessarily that into (baseball, ballet) and I would freeze up in panic. Art lessons would have been great for me, but I didn't get them until I was in middle school. My oldest daughter is similar personality wise but was better about trying things. I didn't push her but would go with her and sit with her so she could "check out" an activity before comitting to it. She ended up doing ballet classes and gymnastics and swimming and all kinds of things and has way more self confidence than I did. I don't know if it is anything I did differently or just different personalities. Strangely despite still being somewhat introverted I am very self-confident as an adult and enjoy performing. Good luck.

Some kids don't try, because they feel they have to be "perfect" or they will get critiqued. So they don't try at all.

What are some of HER interests or talents? I would nurture that.

She knows... others are frustrated with her. This is not helping. She will withdraw more. It is counterproductive for her. She doesn't even express herself... does she know she can? A child needs to feel 'safe' in expressing themselves, good or bad, and when they feel that, they can go beyond their comfort level or insecurities.

She is feeling helpless.... and self-conscious because others are not happy with her.
If she is a natural introvert... or shy... then head on tactics will not help.
It is a personality difference.

Just try talking with her... so she does not feel 'judged' and critiqued. Maybe she does have thoughts on it... but feels she can't say anything because she is critiqued. So then she just turns inward.

WHO is she? What are her interests and feelings? I am sure, she does have these in her... it is just not accepted maybe.

Is she depressed? Some young children have these issues.

Ask her what SHE likes to do... then in small steps, encourage that... and nurture that. Nothing has to be 'perfect', but it should be enjoyable. So that she gains self-assurance.... and confidence that "she" is okay... not always imperfect and irritating to others.

In her shoes... she must feel that she can never do anything well enough, nor is it accepted, and that she ALWAYS frustrates.... everyone. So then, gee, why try?
I would feel sad for her... not frustrated.

all the best,
Susan

I think you need to decide if you want to take the "hard" approach or the "easy/touchy feely" approach.

We don't allow words like "I can't" in our house. Everyone has to TRY. Whether it's food, an activity, helping out, etc. We have taken the hard/no nonsense approach. We sent our kids to swim lessons even tho I teach them too. I can't isn't an option. We explain that we spent money for them to LEARN something new. The teachers job is to teach them new things. When our girls start with the "drama" (read: crying, yelling, tantrumming, etc.) we tell them to go to their rooms, have their "moment" then come down and talk with us like big girls. Once they KNOW we aren't entertaining their drama they usually "wipe it away" and move on quickly.

The way I see it, they are just learning to try to get their way. They need to understand that some things aren't optional. When they can get their way, I try to let them have a choice (like now or later). But more often then not, it's MY WAY and now.

I admire people who can be sensitive and encouraging. I've seen plenty of parents bribe, cajole and encourage their kids in a very positive manner. Like, "come on, it will be fun!!!! show the teacher how you blow bubbles!". It's just not my style.

I realize she's only 5, but I think that it sets the stage for your relationship later. Who makes the decisions? If she cries will you keep giving in and letting her opt out? I think that just reinforces that if she tantrums you'll let her get her way.

I have talked with teachers and said, she needs some help. Can you please make sure she participates. As long as I said it's OK, the teacher is willing to PUSH a bit more. And I walk away. Once they knew that I wasn't coming back or sitting there reassuring their every move, they got over it and were just fine.

Now I have two uber confident, well behaved children. People ask all the time, how do you get them to behave and have such nice manners. My answer, it's not optional in our house. I know that may seem militant, but I think between 2-7 is when you set the rules. If you get control early, it's a much easier path.

Best wishes!

I love these two books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Raising An Emotionally intelligent Child.

My daughter is an introvert. She doesn't always say she can't, but she is very cautious in new situations and will dissolve into tears if she is pushed. I have learned to read when she needs to be pushed a little and require her to try and when she is so freaked out and genuinely scared that she really can't attempt it at the time. Your daughter has to trust that you support her and and that you aren't going to put her in a situation where she instinctively feels uncomfortable or unsafe. And you have to provide baby step (new) situations where she can succeed and gain confidence so she isn't so terrified to try new things.

Pushing her won't help. It's just who she is. Support and understand her and you'll watch her blossom when she's ready and you will both benefit instead of feeling frustrated.

Good luck

There's a great deal that's being learned about motivation in children. We parents have gotten it wrong for a long time. Our well-meaning comments often backfire: "Of course you can! Just try it. You'll do great! It's not scary! Look at how much fun your friends are having!" No go. And then the inevitable "Good job!" or "I'm proud of you!" when the child tries, no matter how poorly they do. None of this actually improves kid's self-esteem, confidence, or motivation, and can, in fact, work against them.

Please, please, please get the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs.

Two key recommendations in this book are the need for children to feel true empathy from their parents, and the remarkable ability of children to participate in finding their own solutions.

Look into martial arts. Do not let her see you during practice. I have known two children with similar personalities to your daughter. Karate has helped both of them with coming out of their shell and self confidence.
You are smart to try to help her now, before kindergarten.

My daughter is like that too! She just needs to get more praise. She sees how frustrated you get, and she interprets that as her failing AGAIN. She is so sure she will fail that she doesn't even want to try. Try finding one thing you can praise. She may not get in the water, but tell her how proud you are that she stayed out there the whole class, and praise her for watching the other kids. She may be more likely to try when she doesn't have to worry about failing in front of all the other kids and a stranger (instructor). Or, she may do better if she knows you are not watching if she worries about failing in front of you. I tell my kids that I will not help with anything until I have seen them try their best. When the "I can't do it" cried start, I say "I bet you can, show me". When they are able to do the task themselves, I exclaim "I KNEW you could do it!", and if they can't, then I HELP and praise them for the part they can do. It also helps to ask for her help with things. I'll tell my son there are so many bags of groceries, and I can't carry them all...will he please help me. He carries in a bag of bread, and I tell him "thank you SO much! You are such a big help!". Feeling like you needed their help is a big confidence booster. When your daughter fails, or fails to try, instead of getting frustrated and criticizing, try asking her what would make it easier for her next time. When my son whines that he can't do something, we give him energy, or power. I'll ask if I give you a gummy bear, will that give you enough energy to carry that giant stack of books to the bookcase? Of course, the reply is YES, and then he must comply because otherwise I say, "hmm, gummy bears don't give energy, so we won't use those anymore". He is always insistent on showing me how much energy one can give him. We also sing "come on Payton, you can do it. Put a little power to it. P-O-W-E-R POWER!!! Singing the song lasts about 30 seconds, and you can stretch the spelling part to make it longer, but he tries the whole time I am singing and doesn't quit until the song is over. Most times, he succeeds before the song is over, is very proud of himself and believes the song helped.
We also use these tactics with our 8 year old sometimes, and though she can see through them, it still helps.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that she is her own worst critic, and she doesn't need to hear criticism from anyone else because her own mind is already berating her worse than you could. She needs to learn to stop that internal dialog, and the best way is for you to point out to her that there is ALWAYS something worth praising. Nothing will every be perfect, but nothing is 100% failure either.

I went through a period like this with my son, and I am not sure if this will help but we used to tell him that he can't say "I can't" but that he will "try" and as he practices something he will get better at it. It seemed to work but it took a little while of telling him multiple times...good luck.

I find that when my kiddos (5 and 3) wont try something that I know they can do, i turn it back on them. I pretend that I can't do it...like putting on my shoe. I pout about not being able to do it and ask them to help me...helping mommy do something gives them a sense of accomplishment and then when I praise them for being able to help mommy, i ask if they think they can do it now too. It might seem a little strange, but it works.

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I find that when my kiddos (5 and 3) wont try something that I know they can do, i turn it back on them. I pretend that I can't do it...like putting on my shoe. I pout about not being able to do it and ask them to help me...helping mommy do something gives them a sense of accomplishment and then when I praise them for being able to help mommy, i ask if they think they can do it now too. It might seem a little strange, but it works.

I always replied, "Yes, you can!" or "You need to try." or "Don't give up!" She's still kind of young though. Maybe she's scared? Maybe she's afraid of failure. Is she a perfectionist with other things?

Some kids refuse to do anything that they aren't experts at. My oldest was kind of like that. She would try sports and then quit because she wasn't "any good." Or, she would get mad because I won a game or was better at something than she was (ie. I could hit a ball farther). She didn't understand that I had more experience or better muscle control and that the only way to get better was to practice. I told her, "Even Michael Jordan had to learn how to play basketball."

We finally enrolled her in TaeKwonDo two years ago. She'll be a black belt a year from now. She's developed a lot of confidence in her own body and isn't afraid to try new things. She also isn't discouraged if she can't do something right away - she has learned that it takes time, perseverance and practice to do things well. Not everything is easy.

Just keep encouraging her and let her know that everyone has to start at the beginning.

Good luck!

Like SH says;

Have you heard the song Noboby's Perfect? The words say try and try again, until you get it right. You might get something in her head by just having her listen to the song. Sorry, it is by Hannah Montannah, if you don't like her. Your daughter doesn't have to know the singer.

i had the same problem with my daughter. she wanted to play soccer so we enrolled her but she'd just stand there on the field because she didn't believe she could do it and just didn't know what to do. we resorted to bribery to get her moving, telling her she'd get ten cents every time she chased after the ball. we awarded the effort and once she got the hang of running after the ball and had a little more experience, she stopped telling us that she didn't want to go to soccer practice and now she is excited to go. she's not a soccer super-star by any means but she's participating, having fun, making friends, and getting exercise too.

perhaps swimming isn't her thing? i would try to find something that she genuinely wants to do (even if she's afraid or afraid of being less than perfect at it) and see if you can motivate her to take baby steps. once she does those enough times, she'll have more confidence to move ahead.

and btw, we hear 'i can't' much less these days!