Husband Wants Daughter to Be "Good" at sports...too Much Pressure!

Sharing this email with him may accomplish it if you can't talk to him. Otherwise sit down with him and have a talk about it. The male ego is a hard nut to crack but if he does it again and sees the reaction of his daughter then he will remember what you told him and realize that it's true.

Best of luck.

Hi S.:

Yikes! I once coached a horrible softball team...it's a long story, which I won't get into, but suffice it to say we never won a game and I felt terrible. One of the parents helped me out by suggesting we come up with a focus each week. So for instance, instead of saying "if we win we'll go out for pizza to celebrate", we'd say "if we get one person on base each inning"..or whatever made sense.

You could perhaps "coach" your husband and daughter into doing the same sort of goal-setting...maybe at dinner on Sunday night you could say "daughter, what would you like to improve this week at tennis camp?" and let her tell you "I'd like to hit the ball with my back hand...it looks so cool and I've never been able to do it"...and that becomes the discussion topic of the week...did you get a chance to work on your back hand today? How did it feel? it's hard, huh?...help your husband help her to set "improvement" goals and discussions on a specific point that is do-able for her rather than have a whole list of things shes need to change. It's not perfect, I agree with you that I'd rather they (men) focus on other things...like having fun. BUT, it is real world. Your daughter is going to enter the "mans" world some day...in school, college, work, some where. competition and a drive for improvement can be the name of the game. So help ease her in with a focused approach.

Another thought, I used to ref soccer and when they're very small and playing together their ability is about the same. When they get onto gender separated teams the ability level really changes and one thing I noticed is how they are coached...for instance, a boy gets hurt and the coach is yelling "get back in there, be tough!" where a girl gets hurt (same injury) and the coach is practically stopping the game and shouting "honey, are you OK?"...it was very interesting. Wouldn't she do better as an adult if she "got back in the game"...It's a tough spot you are in. Good luck. I hope your daughter learns that loving things you're not "so" good at it perfectly OK...

Hi S.,

It sounds like your daughter inherited your gentle and accomodating nature rather than your husband's competitive one. There is nothing wrong with that! I strongly advise you to have a talk with him away from your daughter, and take off the kid gloves, he can take it. He needs to understand that she is unlikely to get better if her confidence is undermined, and she is not out there playing sports to be a positive reflection on him- she's learning how to work on a team, improve her fitness and coordination, and hopefully in the process learn good athletic skills. At 7 there is no need to drum that competitive stuff into her. It is all about having a good time and getting comfortable with her peers right now. Let him know that when he takes it that seriously, not only is he likely to drive your daughter away from sports and make her feel like a failure, he is also making himself look like a jerk who is only interested in how her performance reflects on him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but from your letter it sounds like he's running over both of you. I hope you'll take a strong defense of your daughter because these really are formative years. Good luck.

S.
My daughter was/is the same timid, shy, no-confidence girl, just like your daughter. She is 9 years old now and God Bless her- she has finally found what seems to be her niche. She swims. She is on a swim team, and is quite good. Her coach said she was born to swim! She is not coordinated at all, and is tooo shy to try very hard-afraid of failing. I do not know where she got this, but it is has been a struggle for her/us. My husband is like yours, always wanting her to be aggressive(something she is clearly not). I also run interference after events. I sat down and talked with him-open-and honest. I tried not to sound disrespectful or lecture. I really wanted him to understand that for her, the challenge was just getting out there. It took a long time for her to just do that. She still does not want to play all the sports that the other kids her age are playing, but she has started to play some. I found that with swimming, it is an individual sport rather than a team sport(less competition).She feels more comfortable and I believe she trys harder.
Now after her swim meets(we do only the small local ones) he tells her she did a great job and asks her if she had fun. He has noone else to compare her to.
I know he wants the best for her, just as I do, but competition is in his nature.
I also signed her up for piano lessons, something different. I figure if is she is not going to be an athlete, I want her to find her special gifts-not to follow the other kids.

To add to her frustration, she has a 7 year old brother who is an awesome athlete. He is good at everything he does without even trying. Daddy sometimes compares them.(not good)
I do not let him swim on a swim team-that is her thing.

I hope this helped. I have been/and still am where you are. I just try to be loving and positive for her and him. It really hurts my heart for her to focus on how "not good she is" I have heard all the same things from my daughter.

I aways tell my daughter -God gave us all special gifts-while we are growing and learning about life He wants us to find them and use them. He gave everyone different ones, you just have to find yours without comparing yourself to others.

Good Luck!

S.,

Sit your husband down for a one-on-one. Tell him that while you appreciate his love for sports and winning, he needs to support your daughter whether or not she wins. Tell him just how detrimental it is to her self esteem when she comes to the car and is harassed about what she didn't do right. Girls respond differently to boys and I think a lot of husbands just don't get it and tend to be tougher on the kids-(I'm not saying that its right-its not). Ask him to be more gentle with her and encourage her to succeed. Her definition of success for herself is probably much different than what he thinks. Focus on positives what your husband can say to her or encourage him to practice with her without judgement. Good luck to you all~

Molly

There is a question on every girls heart and she asks it of her father in so many ways through out her life. The question is "Am I lovely, do you see me?" There is a wonderful little booklet called "You Have What It Takes" what every father needs to know. It is by John Eldredge who wrote Wild at Heart. My husband and I have taught the series, Wild at Heart and Captivativing to couples in our church. It is amazingly helpful as a foundation for seeing and loving the heart of our chldren and more importantly understanding ourselves as men and women. I would be glad to forward the little booklet which is an exerpt of the Wild at Heart book.

After being married for 28 years and raising three children I could also say I believe in affirmation as a way to turn things around. Affirm your husband everytime he expresses interest in the right thing. Point it out. "George, I really loved it when you said...."

One of the keys to changing behavior is to give attention to the behavior you want to see and ignoring the behavior that you don't want to see. :) Remember that your husband is asking his own life question, "Do I have what it takes?" While you aren't responsible for being the one to answer that question on his heart you can give affirmation that speaks to the right things he is doing. It is clear from what you said that he is trying.

You have a beautiful heart that cares and that is a wonderful gift!
Warmly, K.

I suggest that you have him read this letter. It's very well written and not accusatory at all adn I think it'll give him a idea of how what he's saying looks (and feels) froma different point of view.

Dear S.,
I don't personally know of any books for this, but I'm sure there must be some out there.
We all want our kids to do great. But let's face it, not everyone is great at every thing. It's just a fact of life.
For young kids, sports and related activities are about learning teamwork, sportsmanship, and participation. Those are very necessary life skills. If you look at it that way, and your child learns those things from sports, it doesn't matter who scores the most points or can run the fastest, etc. The kid who scores the most can also be a self-absorbed, spoiled little creep who no one else can stand to be around. Sports are supposed to be fun. And let me tell you something, if your husband doesn't change his tone and perspective, she will end up hating sports all together.
My son loves baseball. We got him into a league in our town. Well, my control freak ex-husband had to get himself in the middle of it and before we knew it, he got himself assigned as the coach. My son was absolutely miserable. It wasn't about him or his baseball team anymore. It was all about his dad. He never quit yelling at our son the entire time. Stand up, crouch down, get in your stance, hold your mitt out more, move to the left, no...move to the right...never mind, go back to where you were. On one instance, he got mad and yelled, "Hello! Son! What were you thinking?" My son said, "Dad! You yell so much at me that I CAN'T think!" During a bathroom break, if my son dared to come to the stands to speak to me, his father was yelling at him to get in the dugout. The other kids were allowed to ask for money for the snack bar. Not our son. My son was very embarrassed. His dad was calling all the kids by the wrong names, called balls strikes and strikes balls. One kid up to bat for the other team had 3 strikes, but my ex decided to let him have another chance. The kid hit a home run with bases loaded and our team lost. None of the parents could stand him. My son decided he wouldn't be playing baseball anymore. All that running "made his knee hurt too bad."
So, instead, he got on the school basketball team. Parents aren't allowed to coach that. He had a great time and did just fine without his father yelling at him every second. In fact, he won a medal in a tournament.
My point is, parents can encourage and foster an appreciation for sports and being a part of a team, or they can ruin it for the kid all together. If your husband wants your daughter to be really good at something, he should be encouraging her to have a great attitude about things....especially if she isn't the best on the team. That, in my opinion, is what makes a person a winner.

You may have to do the work of teaching your daughter to play the sport before she goes to tryout the game. Without your husband being around.

Hi S.,

It is hard for childen to get out of their comfort zones to begin with.
Your children need to have fun and learn how to get better by practicing. Praise them for getting out their and trying. Ask them what they would do different next time so they learn on their own. It is like getting a job and not understanding the job and you have no training and they expect you to do everything right the first day. How would it feel if the boss came and told you you did everything wrong? Would you want to go back the next day and feel good about it.
Children want to please us and feel good inside so they may grow to be happy people.
I have friends that their parents never told them anything good when they played sports and today they are adults feeling like they can not do anything right.

Your daughter is going to be young once, she is growing every day. Give her lots of love and praise and she will be good at everything she does. All because she has the main ingredients to grow up the right way.

Good luck.

N. Marie

Hi S.,
You've received some great responses. I would just add, tell your husband EXACTLY what to say. Once the kids are in bed, sit down with him and talk. Tell him that when he says "Are you good?", you understand he means no harm but what your daughter hears is "Why aren't you good enough for me? Why don't you meet my expectations?" Give him specific questions he can ask her, like the examples you mentioned. Tell him to give 3 compliments for every one "criticism". "I like the way you went after the ball and stayed focused on the game. You seem to be enjoying yourself out there. Do you want me to show you how to get around a defender?" If he wants her to be better, he should be working with her on a regular basis.

I agree with you! He needs to back off the skill and concentrate on the social aspects but that may never happen. she may never be athletic, some of us are not, never were, and that is OK! I think you should explore other aspects of her talents
and discover her strengths. She may be awesome at art, music reading writing. Did SHE want to go to tennis camp, was it her idea? She may be trying very hard to please her parents, ESP DAD. Maybe you should just drop the sport thing unless it's her idea. You've tried a team sport and a 1-1 sport.
By now you have a good idea of her talents/gifts/blessings, develop them and stress how good she is at them. About your husband, I would simply tell him you think he is doing more harm than good. All your child needs from you in sports is told when she does GOOD, never what she did "wrong". That is the COACH's JOB. If he wants to coach, he should sign up to do that. WOULD he be a good coach? Maybe not, eh?
and is it wrong not to be athletic?! NO!
Take her to the library-it's okay to be an introvert! The world requires aLL KINDS.
mY DAUGHTER TOLD ME AT TEE BALL GAMES: don't say ANYTHING mom! Please. (This is the age when they sit on the field sucking thier thumb sometimes!) Now she is older and i still never say anything except clap if she gets a good hit. She is in college now. Just find out what she LOVES to do, and do that.
How would your husband feel if you critiqued his work day in that manner? I doubt he will ever see what you are trying to say, another reason to just drop it. Good luck from an unathletic gal in a family of athletes. Give your girl books
and lotsa art supplies!

Hi S.-
Let me begin with saying that this is part of conditioning, growing up, and being taught to view things a certain way. While it makes me angry to think he would say that, it is understandable. Here's where to start.
Have a sit down with the husband. Do not be judgemental. Allow him to express his feelings. Express yours with sentences that begin with "I" so that he does not feel that you are blaming him. He may not be aware of the effect his questions are having on your daughter. Tell him that while you want your daughter to be at sports and other activities, it is VERY important to YOU that she get out there and get involved, regardless of how good she is. And if he is concerned about her ability, then ask him to please please please make a point of saying, that's ok! And be proud of her for doing her best. AND if he still wants her to be better, make a daddy daughter time out of "extra practice." He can give her some great tips and just have fun. Tell him that it is important to YOU that he not get frustrated if she is not as good as he would like. Most talents are disciplines learned over time, and the more she plays the better she'll become. Either way, it is exercise and is keeping her active. And as long as she is having fun and getting back out there every time, who cares.
Example- I WAS TERRIBLE at almost every sport I played. BUT, the fact that I kept the attempt up not only stupified my coaches, but earned me a varsity letter in sports, Thespian points in theater, and I graduated with honors. ALL for my participation and enjoyment of things, not because I was the best on the team. YOur daughter will find her niche. If all else fails, ask for a 3rd party intervention/counselor to help you explain your feelings and what you would like to see happen for your daughter. Perhaps then, the 2 of you will be on common ground and your hubby will not be opposed to viewing "sports" from a different perspective.
Hope this helps!
-E.

Hi S.,

You're right thinking his comments will damange her confidence and soon after, she will just stop trying becasue she's at an age where's she's becoming very self critical of herself, so it's important that you and your husband are on your page! You could ask you husband to be an active participant. He should engage his daughter and help her with her weaknesses, not criticize and then offer no personal solution...or little effort on his part. I'm sure you're aware of all this, but I want to stess the damage he can do in the long term. I'm sure there are books out there, but I only have a text that explain early child development and the school-age years. It's insightful and provides guidance to where our children are at....but it's a text book and a lot of reading. If you're interested, perhaps I can make copies on this topic and send them to you if you're interested. BTW: good for your "slow-to-warm" daughter for trying new things and your encouragement...she needs it! It's more important for her to try new things rather than it is to be good at it. It speaks volumes of her character and should be where the focus is at! Let me know if you want me to send an email to you.

S.

Hi S.,
Perhaps you can play off of your husband's motivations to get him to change. The more he pressures your daughter, the more she will lose confidence, and the worse she will play. If he can praise what she is doing right (getting out there, trying her best, enjoying herself), she is more likely to continue and actually improve. If he keeps focusing on the negatives, not only will she lose even more confidence and any joy she gets from playing but she will also feel bad about herself in general. At 7, she is not able to compartmentalize her feeling bad about herself to just sports. The consequences could be far more dire than her simply not being a good athlete. Both my brother and I were collegiate athletes. We took to sports on our own without any pressure from my parents. They signed us up for sports and the rest was up to us. Perhaps you can sign your daughter up for a music or art based activity (if you have not already), too, to take some of the focus off of sports. Also, I understand that men can be this way, but my husband (who is very much a man and not at all androgynous, thank you very much prior poster) does not behave this way. Men are capable of exercising self-control, especially when they are able to see a child as her own person instead of as an extension of and reflection on themselves (on the dads). You might try to focus on the real consequences (i.e., non-sports ones) of deflating a girl's self-image. Ask him what's the worst thing that will happen if she is not much of an athlete. Then get him to think about the many bad things that can happen when she is older if her self-worth is in the basement. Maybe then he will "get it." Good luck with this!

I think you are wonderful for noting that trying, listening, and having fun are key and instilling that in yor daughter. Have you sat down with your husband alone to discuss how he handles this but more importantly how it makes you feel. He may have a concern like- her needing to learn to sometimes play when not wanting to or he may feel this will be her one way to liked/succeed in school. I have no idea but you will never know where he is coming from until you make him talk to you about it. Stress to him your feelings toward all this. Your daughter is young so her having fun is the most important thing in my opinion. If your husband still seems a little to serious for daughters sports then suggest to him he play in intramural league himself.

This is a h*** o*e because it is hard to change old habits. I played five sports in college and hate losing. I ended up having a beautiful little girl, and of course she is very girly girly. My family even teases me that she's cant be my daughter and that she will be a cheerleader. She's only 2 and I was determined not to let that happen, but then I realized I want her to be her and have her OWN personality. So I buy her all the purses, dress up, and everything pink like she likes. And I use that to try and introduce other activities. I box and she was not interested in boxing, so I bought her pink boxing gloves and a little heavy bag and she LOVES it. Try to find something that bring out your daughter's personality in the sport so she begins with a little confidence and comfort.

For your husband, I'm not saying his is right but he's thinking like a man. Specially if you don't have a son he might be trying to play the father-son role with the sports which sometimes does not work for most girls. However,my dad did the same with me. But in the long run I ended up being thankful. My father's behavior ended up making me take the competitiveness from sports into life. And bottom line life is LIKE sports: challenging and competitive.

You might want to approach your husband like a "game plan". Have him and you sit down and try to approach the situation like a coach would. Each player is different and you have to find the best way for them. Try to find out which way will work best for your daughter to encourage, challenge, and push her. Your husband may respond to you better than if you just attack him and tell him what he is doing is wrong. It is kind of hard to get a male to understand wining does not matter. You are going to have to find a happy medium.

I was in your daughter's place. My dad made very similar mistakes with my siblings and me. He always ment well, just wanted us to be the best we could be at whatever we were doing, but it seemed it was never good enough. At least that's how I felt, and even still feel sometimes. You really need to sit and explain to him how detrimental this could be to a young girl. I'm sure he means well and just wants her to improve, but there are better ways than hounding her. Have him play with her and help build her skills so she feels more confident, praising always works better then telling somone what they are doing wrong. Its great that he's interested in her extracurricular activities, he just needs to find better ways to encourage her. Guys just don't understand that girls are very different. My dad can tell my brother how to be better and how to improve to win, cuz my brother wanted to win all the time and be the best, but when he tried that on my sister and I we felt we weren't good enough for him and that no matter what we did and how great it was, we always could have done better. My dad was a great father and now is a wonderful grandfather, he's learned from his mistakes and would probably be one of the first to tell your husband to change the things he says. Btw my dad didn't change on his own, he was in family counsling with my sister while she was recovering from an eating disorder. I would recommend talking to your husband asap. Good luck. I hope everything works out and your daughter continues to do these activities!

Some people are so competitive that they think everyone should be... sounds like your husband. Maybe you should try sitting down and talking to him about this. I think people tend to forget that these are GAMES and get so wrapped up on doing above and beyond your capabilities. I learned a lot going to my grandson's baseball games... all the coaches and everyone was so positive and supportive and if they lost or someone messed up, there was just positive support there. Perhaps you need to remind your husband that these are just GAMES and to focus more on the positive with your daughter.

Good luck! If you've explained what's appropriate for a shy 7-year-old and your husband insists on putting his own needs ahead of his daughters, I don't think a book will help. Depending on your relationship, you can role play with him and ask him to practice asking supportive questions, instead of putting pressure on his daughter that will only make her feel incompetent (no matter how good she is). Beyond that, you can take comfort that children do develop and grow in part because their parents have different parenting styles. Children learn how to deal with aggressive treatment from a parent who is pushy, especially if the other parent can provide some coaching. But, tell your husband that his behavior is counter-productive and will require that your daughter not only needs to learn how to play a sport but also has to learn how to deal with an over-zealous parent. Best wishes.

Hello S.,
I know exactly what you mean. I have a 12 year old boy who plays baseball and on the ride home after a game my husband is trying to help him get better and my son just does not want to hear it. You might want to be careful with your husband pressuring her about not doing good. She will then think that she is not so good. I have a friend that his daughter plays softball. He loves baseball but didn't have any boys and he puts so much pressure on his daughter that she is beginning to hate it and her and her Dad are not getting along so good any more. Just tell him that she is only 7 and not to pressure her so much cause it could back fire on him.

M.

My husband and I are very competitive and active in sports so you can imagine that we would want our son to play. He is very shy and likes to succeed. He does very well academically. We offered sports to him and he participated in a camp here or there but never any thing too formal. We were like you and used youth sports as a building block to develop character and responsiblity. As a coach I am a firm believer in developing the whole child. Your husband needs to realize that sports means different things to different people. Children will either develop a love for the game or unfortunately learn to hate them. I have seen too many parents make sports a negative experience for their child. Please impress upon your husband that his remarks have lasting affects and are very powerful for your daughter. We forced ourselves to take the positive approach that you are and let sports be my son's experience and not ours. He finally started when he was 9 and had the best year we could have hoped for! He learned the fundamentals, made friends and was a great teammate. He batted .665 for the season. He is now wanting to continue and it is his experience and his turn to see the many positive things sports can provide. I wish you luck and I hope your husband realizes that sports can be a positive eperience for the family. You never know, your daughter could become a interested in sports or some other extracurricular activity. But negative experiences will definitely steer her away. I didn't start till I was in Junior High and with the positive support of my family played in high school and college. Good luck with your husband, I am sure he will come around for the sake of his daughter. S., teacher/coach/athlete and blessed mother of 9yr, 4yr and 3 month old

You're already a lot nicer than I am if you gently explained that to him. He's damaging your daughter's self esteem and it is abusive. I'd get counseling personally, but at the very least I'd bluntly tell him how that makes her feel and why it's not okay. Point blank, it will stop. Good luck with that! C.

hi S.,

dad's are almost always like this unless they are a more androgenous sort, but the very male folk always are about action and performance and efficiency and completion.

it is their gift for us (in balance, of course). just like you want for your daughter, treat him the same way. tell him that you are so happy he is encouraging her and that he cares so much, (many dads never attend to a daughter's skills).tell him when his coaching has helped her. then the ways you ask for something new to add to his behavior will be heard and received because he will feel you are a friend on his team.

also i would suggest you ask him to read your letter and your responses. you are human and your concern is totally coming from love, nothing to be ashamed about. in marriage, all the truth eventually comes out if it is a good marriage, so start now.

personally, i did not have a dad, and consequently never learned how to do things. dads are tool masters, they teach you how. i am a psychotherapist, i learned about the feelings and am a marvel at it, but i still have organizational and motivational issues and still feel stymied in the doing category of life. so count your blessings, gratitude will make you all whole.

A. m

Hi S.!

You have so many responses already, but I couldn't help, I had to say something :o)

I have been surrounded by "competitive men" my whole life. It's tough when you have children, and the need to feel "the best" in any sport is a natural anyway.

You need to give your husband the "right" things to say. Let him know that he's putting unintentional pressure on her. It sounds like she's already knocking herself down, just so she gets praise for doing anything better than she was. This is not what any parent wants, nor means to do.

Give your husband the phrases that you think your daughter needs to hear from her daddy. Unfortunately, men are not always as good as mom's at knowing what are kids need to hear from their daddy.

Good Luck with all this.

:o) N.

Hi Sanady,
The only way to "get" sombedoy to is to reinforce the behavior you desire. Hence, each time your daughter (or husband for that matter) does something you want her to do again, praise her for it. Ignore undesirable behavior and focus on what you want. This is simple learning theory and it works very well. I wonder, if your husband might like to become a coach, perhaps for something your daughter is not invilved in? Maybe even for older children or adults who already know something about their abilities.
As for your sweet duaghter, good for her that she continues to participate in activities. Praise her for her efforts and tell her dad to either leave her alone or to learn to enforce the "good stuff."
Enjoy your family, S.

Hi S.,
I am coming from a different perspective, I played soccer growing up from rec up to highly competive and played div. 1 college where I met my husband who was an all-american decathlete. Also we have both coached. Now my oldest is 4 and he is going to play soccer this year for the first time and I am due with our 3rd in the middle of the season so cannot coach myself. I am worried that the coaches won't really know anything about soccer and try to pressure the kids and yell when at this age it should just be fun, they won't learn a whole lot. I also know that if there is a parent that is yelling at his child ect. I will most likely say something. Having played and coached players with parents like that I know how it ruins their play and their fun and most end up quitting, good or not.
I would tell him exactly what you wrote how her demeanor changes when he starts asking these things, tell him now is the time for her to slowly develop some skill but to develop a lot of love for the sport, no one is "good" at this age.
As for some who have written it is a boy girl thing, this is not true boys just don't show the emotion about it as much, they quit and shut down just as often, it depends on the players personality if they can handle a yelling coach, but almost always they can't handle a negative/yelling parent.
Sorry this is so long good luck,
C.

Hi S. - I really don't have advice but I sympathize with you! My daughter is 6 and she plays soccer. My husband does the same thing, he gets very frustrated with my daughter when she does not try at every opportunity given to her. He says he's h*** o* her because that's what his dad did to him and it made him better. I think he is wrong. My daughter has a very passive personality. She thrives more when we encourage her rather than get on her case. My husband does not know how to control himself as he is extremely competitve when it comes to sports. We've talked about it and we don't see eye to eye so sometimes he will just stay home. I know it is an awful situation to deal with so I hope your daughter gets the support she needs! Good luck!!

Your husband's behavior is highly detrimental. If he won't respond to your asking gently maybe you should be more forceful. Hasn't he ever heard the old adage - It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game? Hopefully someone can come up with a book or something that he will respect if he doesn't listen to you.

I think many men are competitive by nature and it is difficult for them to see their child not show assertiveness. My advice to you is to take your daughter to the tennis courts and practice with her. You have a better approach than your husband and if you work with her, you'll help her gain more confidence. Good luck.

Feel free to share my story with your husband. Maybe it will help him find a different way of approaching your daughter and sports.

When I was young, my father was the same way with me. He was a former college athlete and very competitive. I actually had a lot of athletic ability but his approach towards every sport I played took all of the fun out of the game for me. I could never get "in the zone" so to speak because I was always thinking about what he would be thinking, how I didn't try hard enough, run fast enough, go for it enough. I was always outside of myself rather than just being in the game. It just wasn't fun; in fact, it was stressful. Unfortunately, when my parents divorced when I was 14, I used his absence from our home as a way to quit all of it -- swim team, tennis team, soccer and more. This was too bad because high school is a time when sports are so great for girls ... for physical fitness, self-esteem, teamwork, college applications, etc. Today, as an adult, I thrive on my workouts ... I push myself to go further, run longer, etc, so I know that I've inherited my dad's traits. I regret that I lost the fun in athletics at an earlier age.

Try to encourage your husband to just let her participate. At 7, she won't get better because he pushes her, especially if she is already a little timid. He is probably trying to help her get past this timidity and develop some self-confidence but I'm not sure it's the right approach. Right now, just let her find her groove / sport / talent. Let her enjoy the camraderie and the physical activity. As she gets older, and is able to "self-select" a sport that she wants to pursue, she'll have enough confidence to take a little more pushing -- and she may need it at that time in order to stick with it which is important to learn too.

I hope this story helps ... not the perspective of the mom, but of the child.

What you need to do is when she has a game make a deal with your husband that once you leave the field you don't talk about the game anymore. Now if she brings up something like can you help me do this, or show me how I could do better that's different, but I've noticed that you just make sure you leave the game on the field. If she feels bad about anything in the game you ask her "did you do your best "(and this is with anything), then you say that is all we ask. I do know people that pressure their kids to do how they did if they did well in sports, but not everyone is the same. Also did your husband do well in sports through his life? If he wasn't is he trying to live a better sports life through her. I also know parents that have done that. He should ask her what did she get out of say the soccer game or whatever it may be. How did she feel when she made that goal, or kicked better. Play it up not down. When they are younger unless they are really into whatever it may be that they are doing, then let them have fun with it. When they get older they will decided what they want to do. If she wants to be on a team the best thing she can get out of that is friendship, and learning sportsmanship. It's called socialization, which is very important. I have 2 boys ages 10 & 12, and they have tried many things and found that they really like basketball, and soccer. They like to watch all sports but these are their two favorite to play on a team with. I hope this helps. Ask your coach or even someone on the AYSO board about any books that they might recommend he can look at. It doesn't have to necessarily have to be on soccer but just any kind of book that might help him talk to her. Even the principal of your school might be able to help. Good Luck.

Hi S. -

I've been on vacation and am just catching up with Mamasource. You story struck a chord with my heart as I have been managing and coaching my daughter's softball team for several seasons, including All Stars and now as she will be entering High School, she has been asked to play on a Competitive Team that travels - she is that good now.

But when she was 8 yrs. old and just started softball she couldn't catch or hit a ball to save her life. My husband and I were at each practice and every game cheering her on. We spent time with the coaches helping them run drills that taught the players how to field, throw and hit. We learned by attending practices and games and discussing with the coaches various strategies, be it defense or offense, by spending our time volunteering for our local Rec League. If your husband isn't willing to do that you need to shut him down on his criticism of your daughter. And you know what he is doing is criticizing - not encouraging his own daughter.

Ask him to "Put Up his time volunteering with the team or Shut Up" his negativity. If he can't or won't tell your daughter to listen to her coaches and encourage her twice as much since your husband will not.

I have seen this so many times and great little girls get overwhelmed by their parents negative feedback that they can't excel at the sport or at anything else because "Daddy said I could have done better". That's Daddy Ball and is extremely detrimental your child. She can carry that over into her grades and obviously her self worth and self respect.

I hope you stop it now before permanent damage is done. I am not sorry to have said so much, because it needs to be said to every parent who tries to live their dreams through their child.

Just want to help,
Pattib

One comment you made here really struck a chord with me: "he questions me about the coaches, and if they are helping her and do they know she's never hit a ball before."
Hmmmmm.
I was the youngest of a bunch of girls, and when I met sports in school, it was literally the first time I'd met a ball and a bat. (or a basketball, or a soccer ball, or a tennis ball)
Guess what? I suck at sports and generally hate them. So, a question: why hasn't your kid ever hit a ball before?
If you husband really wants to be involved, he needs to shut his mouth, and get out there at a park and play with her. Often.
The old show-don't-tell.
No, not play tennis, but play let's see how many times we can co-operate to hit it over the net without missing. No play soccer, but literally just run around sharing the ball back and forth.
The kids who are good at this sports stuff aren't just good because they are extroverts (though they may be), but also because when they turn up at that tennis camp, even if they are 7, this isn't the first time they've tried hitting that danged thing around. If she were a son, wouldn't he already be more involved in setting up a foundation for these kinds of sports skills? So if he's interested in his daughter participating in these sports, shouldn't he be doing that kind of prep work? If she can build up some expertise in a non-competitive setting, then maybe you can harness your husband's interest and expertise, and perhaps also reduce the stress in the team situation. After all, when the physical stuff becomes more familiar to your daughter, perhaps her own anxiety level will the lower too.
Remember, you all do really want pretty much the same thing: for her to do well and enjoy the sport. The emphases may differ - but will she ultimately enjoy a sport she consistently does poorly at? That is, he may be looking at this more competitively than she and you are, but it's not a completely foreign point of view. Maybe what he needs is a different way to focus this concern.

Obviously, explaining this to him is the first route. If that doesn't work, I suggest you let him live some of his own medicine. Maybe spend a day or two offering advise about what he doees. I know, not the most mature way, but seems like you need to hit him where it hurts.

I loved the advice about goal setting and letting that be the discussion focus from the parents.

GOOD LUCK!
S

Your husband is totally out of line and your daughter should tell him I did great and I like it. He will push her into not wanting to try anything. You are doing a great job of encouraging her to try new things. His pushing will not only blow her confidence in activities but academics as well. Maybe start asking him if he is good at all things he does and see how he feels about it.

Your question made me a little angry because I think your husband is an idiot. A little harsh, but you need to let your husband know that your daughter is 7, because that fact seems to have eluded him. My daughters participate in AYSO soccer and the coaches (who are all volunteers) really emphasize the "fun" aspect of the sports. They will take parents aside who yell directions to their young children and tell them to ease up. Your husband is WAY out of line. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to be more direct with your husband and let him know that he's destroying your daughters self-esteem and, eventually, her interest in trying new things.