How to Get 6 Yr Old to Sleep by Herself?

Is this a new thing or has she always done this? If it's a new thing you might try talking to her to see if she is having some sort of anxiety issues, she is old enough to talk with you. If it's always been this way, then it's something that you've taught her (I've been there). My two year old still has trouble putting herself to sleep. I have had to let her cry it out for over a year. She is now old enough to that I have to tell her she can look at her books until she is tired and ready to sleep, but she has to stay in her bed. At night I read one story, rock with her for one song on her "bed time" CD and then she has to go to bed. She doesn't always go to bed without a stuggle, but it is getting better.

What about getting her one of those long body pillows to cuddle with? The few times my husband has been out of town wish I had one.

At 6 years of age she's old enough to "cry it out". Establish a new bedtime routine. Story, hug, kiss, tuck her in and leave. I gave my son a large teddy bear and dressed it in one of my shirts. It gave him something to hug.
Be firm that she can't get out of bed, don't let her win. She's not a baby anymore so she will try to get her way. Don't stay in the room, you've got to leave. Go do something else so she thinks you're not listening.
It may take a week, but if you stick to your guns it will work. At this age she can sleep by herself, you just need to let her know that she can.

Watch a couple of episodes of Super Nanny or Nanny 911. They always seem to encouter this problem with at least 1 kid in the families they help. They use the Ferber method - put the kid in bed after a nice bedtime routine, if they get up take them back to bed nicely the first time and firmly the next time(s). Let them cry - drink a cocktail and ride it out. It took my son 3 nights and now he is very proud of himself for sleeping like a big boy and only gets out of bed if he has a nightmare or is very sick. Do you really want your daughter to be the weird kid that sleeps with her mommy in Jr. High? You're not doing her any favors by coddling her. So have a nice talk with her woman to woman - explain why and how you two are going to get her into her bed for good and then stick to your plan! Perhaps a bribe of a trip to the zoo or Great America when she goes all night in her bed for 2 weeks straight will sweeeten the deal for her.

She can't fall asleep by herself because you have taught her that she can't and now she is manipulating the situation. Our children learn what we teach them and she has been taught this. Now don't get mad at me for being so straight with you but it is the truth. Please just think about it.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to teach them that they have control over a few things in their young lives - like being able to get themselves to sleep. If you let her have control over you, think about what she will try as she gets older. It is setting a pattern of "if I whine and cry for an hour, Mom will give in."

I know it is going to be hard but you just have to let her cry and whine until she goes to sleep. She is also old enough to rationalize this with and have a great reward system when she goes to bed like a "big girl." Think of something that is appropriate to what you are trying to accomplish. Maybe it is as simple as she gets to stay up a little later on the night after she goes to sleep by herself or start a sticker chart and as soon as she gets 7 stickers, she gets to stay up 30 minutes later on a non-school night.

You can do this - just have faith in you.

Good Luck and God Bless,
+B+

My daughter also had difficulty sleeping by herself, but we never got into bed with her, so our situation was a lot easier. My daughter also woke up during the night and I would awaken to find her staring at me in my bed. She suffered from something called "hyper-vigilance." This condition stayed with her for many years. By the time she was six, she was old enough to talk about what went on in her mind and why she could not sleep. It turned out that she felt she could not "let go" of the responsibility for making sure that she was "safe." I turned to my daughter for coming up with a solution to the problem. There was never any question of whether she would sleep by herself or not; the question was how she could feel safe and sleep throughout the night. Her answer was that a "guard dog" would make her feel safe. We researched this together and found an adorable German Shepherd puppy (well bred). I wish I could say that she immediately bonded with the dog and took good care of it, but the dog remained my responsibility for the 13 years of its life. HOWEVER, from the first night the puppy was in the house, my daughter slept on her own without waking me. I am not suggesting that getting a dog is the answer to a 6-year-old's sleeping problems. I am suggesting that you talk with your daughter (not at bedtime, but sometime in the middle of the day) and ask her what would help her to put herself to sleep and to go back to sleep if she wakes up at night. The solution may be as simple as giving her a cuddly doll to sleep with. If it does turn out that she suffers from hyper-vigilance, you have my sympathy. This is an indication of some underlying emotional problems that might benefit from professional guidance.

My daughter slept with me until she turned 11. I tried everything to get her to sleep on her own before that. Knowing that other kids her age weren't sleeping with their moms grated on her and one day she decided to grow up and started sleeping alone. She has logged over 40 nights now of solo sleeping and she is doing great. We still have cuddle time in the evening but she goes to bed alone and stays there. I thought we would be sleeping together before she left for college but she pulled through. I am sure that your daughter will do the same. It is unfortunate, however, that you are not getting good sleep. I hope some of the other suggestions work for you. Good luck!

Hi R.,
Don't use the cry it out(CIO) technique for a 6 yr old - she's old enough to talk to. I think CIO is used people who do not understand child development ~ especially older generations. CIO is a negative reinforcer: she may learn to sleep on her own because you've made her feel terrible about it. Or you can do it peacefully and respectfully.
Try this:
1)Explain that part of growing up means that she has to learn to do things, like sleep, on her own. explain that she's learned to ride a bike, or attend school. Since you have to take some responsibility for getting into this predictament, I don't think its fair to go cold-turkey, so, have her pick two days a week that can be your snuggle nights. On those nights, cuddle with her as usual. Once you've gotten routinized with that, then scale back to one night ~ maybe you could give her a choice of something she enjoys like playing a board game instead of cuddling to completely stop all nights. I bet in a week or so, she could be sleeping independently.
As far as getting her to stay in bed, here is something thats worked for us. Get some post-it notes. for every night she stays in bed you give her a new one to stick on her wall. When she gets out of bed, you take one away. Choose an amount (10?) for her to redeem some kind of reward (toy, candy, tv,dessert, etc) She'll be motivated to stay in bed receive a reward until she has gotten past the habit of getting out of bed. & she will benefit from feeling successful at accomplishing a goal. good luck!

You might want to try a weight blanket. If could be she likes the pressure of someone close to her and the pressure from a weighted blanket can do this. All of my kids have one and they love it. In fact my 3 y.o. daughter finally sleeps through the night with hers.

You can order them online. They are not cheap though. To figure out the weight your child needs, you multiply your child's weight by 10% and then add one. So if she weighs 50 pounds, then you would order a 6 pound blanket. If she's closer to the next weight, then order the higher weight - i.e. 56 pounds then you would order a 7 pound blanket.

My daugther had a similar problem at that age. It depends on her past sleeping situation. Was she in bed with you? It is a HARD habit to break. Does she get out of bed and cry? That is what my daughter did. I had to walk her back to bed, console her and tuck her in. I could do this 20 times and each time I said less until I just walked her back to bed, kissed her and left. It is tiring and so frustrating, but after awhile, it worked out.

I completely agree with JoAnne C. Adding to that idea, maybe take her out for a special girl’s day with mom and make a teddy bear at some place and that can be her bedtime friend.

You have lots of advise and need to do what works for you. I went out of town. I talked with my 6 yr old about being a really big girl and helping out the family while I was gone. We picked out her clothes for the week and set it all out. We talked about bedtime and getting one story before she was expected to roll over and go to sleep.

Well, the little one lived up to the expectation. Every night,upstairs ready for bed, under covers with book selected. Daddy read and she rolled over and went to sleep.

Now we have had other nights where I have wanted her to go to bed on her own and after taking her up,explaining why I was taking her, and putting her back in bed, she was up 30 more times. Each time I just took her back to bed. Eventually, I stopped going downstairs and waited on the landing. The last time, trip 45, she stayed in bed and slept all night. In fact, in the morning she woke up and waited in bed for me to come get her. She wasn't sure of the routine because I told her to stay in bed.

Lesson learned.

Do what you are comfortable with. Just don't waffle. You child waiting for you to waffle and cave in to th old way. If you want a change, really want it, make it.

Stephanie

Hi R.,

I can understand your frustration, and I was going through this same pgase with my 2 year old, while transtioning to a toddler bed. Initially I spent time in his room reading, aptting and being there withhim. Gradually I gave away to patting, and continued with reading his favorite Good Night Moon book. I spoke with my pediatician and she informed me that my son was going through some emotional changes, like me going back to work, and hence he was having separation anxiety. She also advised that the longer I satyed with him in the night, it was difficult for him to understand those instances especially when he would wake up, and look to find that I wasn't there. He had gotten conditioned, to me being in the room with him,and would have an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. Following her advice has worked for me,now I my bed time routine involves reading his book 2-3 times, and giving him lots of hugs and kisses, and wishing him good night.

Hope this helps..

C.

Have you ever watched the "Nanny" on TV?
I have never understood parents that create these weird sleeping patterns for their children. When your kid spends the night at our house we have to cope with what you created.
I promise you that you can undo the damage you have done in one short week.
Relax her prior to bed time. Put her to bed and kiss her good night. Leave her room, with the light off. Put her back to bed if she gets up. Explain once why you are taking her back to bed. After that just quietly return her to bed. Kids need normalcy, boundaries, etc. DO IT!

Hmm.

I don't agree with everyone who says to let her cry it out.
I think sleep is a very vulnerable time, and crying will amp her up and then give her nightmares if she is prone to them. Weeping is not a big deal, but the abandonment could cause fear of the dark or other sleeptime issues kids deal with in our society.

But I definitely think you could train her to routinize to another sleep comfort idea besides yourself (unless she has something wrong with her medically, and I don't think she'd fall asleep with you cuddling if she did.)

Get a good lullaby album with no words, or some pretty music that you know your kid will be comforted by (Celtic music seems to work great in our house.) Do your cuddle time with the music on, and instead of resting next to her, sit on the bed and be near her instead of spooning; maybe do a ritual like blowing out a candle in the dark and doing prayers or reflection on the day. While you are doing that, there are some child massage techniques for neck and back to soothe her instead of laying passively next to her like you are going to sleep next to her, or show her some techniques like "first squeeze your entire body tight and then relax, then squeeze your toes and relax, squeeze your hands and relax" etc that she can do on her own without you around. Let the music play on a CD the whole time you are in the room so that she associates it with "sleep" and "mom", and "comfort" and then begin shortening your time in the room with her once she has a more established routine that does not entail your cuddling with her nor cause undue stress.

I will be just like you when my kid is 6, very much cuddling/sleepy time rituals with her until she is restful.

I have the same issue. I really think that it isn't something your doing wrong. Some kids just have trouble sleeping. You're not going in her room and waking her up in the middle of the night so it must be something within her. My son is now 8. About a year ago we finally decided to use liquid melatonin. It is produced by your body (although maybe not in the amount necesaary by your daughter or my son). I ran it by the doctor first who was fine with it . You might want to do an internet search.

I give it to my son every night about 30 minutes before bed. It has deleted the need for ADD medication in him.

R.,

Can you let me know, when people respond to your letter, my son is nine and he still has the same problem and I end up giving in because I am so tired. I would love for you to share some ideas with me.He can't fall asleep with out me being right next to hime.

Thanks.

Lee M

Hi. The thing that made the biggest difference for our family was to wear my daughter out. She's on our local swim team and swims 4-5 days a week after school. When she goes to bed, she's exhausted. She finally sleeps well. She's always been a light sleeper and had a difficult time falling to sleep and staying asleep. I agree with many of the other moms who've responded to your request that creating a routine is incredibly important. I think your daughter is old enough that you could discuss the issue with her and get her input as to what she'd like to do instead of your current routine. We cuddle while we read a book before going to sleep. It's nice to have cuddle time (nice for me :). I also put on soothing music. And that's it. But again, exercise has made such a huge difference. Good luck to you!

Hello R.,

I am sorry to refer to this, but I must, because I struggle with my 3yr old and sleep. Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. I did not search them out, but flipping thru the channel there they were and in almost every episode they address sleep issues. The key, they say and I found true, is consistency. The most difficult is the beginning, until your child knows you are serious and mean business and won't budge. The minute you budge you start all over, and I can say this with experience.

Your daughter will fall asleep by herself. It may take 3 hrs the first time and second time, but it will happen. There are many things I have tried and we are now at the following, which is not wehre I would like it, but it, ultimately, is a success:

I started with setting a routine. Before we got where we are now he would go to bed and I would pretty much wait by the door and put him to bed each time he got out of his bed and came to the door. In the beginning, I had to pull up a chair and wait by the door, and would spend close to 2 hrs there. I think only 3 times did I have to do that. Because we gave in once, I had to start over. I have held the door shut, he cried and I let him. Just kept putting him in bed. When he got upset enough, with me holding the door shut, I would open the door and ask, are you going to stay in bed, so far, once he says yes, he means it. They are resilient and manipulative. He is fine in the morning, forgives me, as if nothing happened, and we all got sleep. Now we are at this point: If no nap, the routine starts earlier. Warning that dinner is coming, so play, play, play. Dinner, bath, book, songs, prayer, music, lights out, door open. Routine really helps. And, if I miss a step, he reminds me. Sometimes it is 1 book or 1 song, sometimes 3, depending on how tired I know he is. I let him keep the books and a toy or two. The deal is door stays open, he keeps toys, but he stays in bed. He does not have to go to sleep, but stay in bed. As of today, he will always get out of bed once, I put him back and give warning, he will get out twice, I take all away, get out 3 times, I hold door shut (maybe 3 minutes) and he knows I mean business, I ask the question he says yes, and stays in bed. Sometimes he plays in bed 2 hrs, sometimes 15 minutes (like last night). Lately he has been going thru the diaper and bathroom deal, but he is potty training, that will most likely be a non issue for you. He did try the sippy cup thing, water and I finally caught on and said, before he goes to bed, drink water, none in bed.

A bit scattered and long winded, but hopefully you can get something from this. Bottom line, is don't give in, they will get it, but be consistent, and not with you staying in the room. If you can stand it, I have seen where you have a chair in the room and stay for a bit, DO NOT go into bed with your child, if they get out, put them back, and then leave. Each day you stay for shorter times, until you don't stay at all.you do not wait until they fall asleep, if they do, great, if not, they will learn to do so without you.

Best of luck.

do you read to her every night? my 2 girls are 4 and 8. we have it set up that the first one to brush teeth gets to pick the first story. if there is a lot of delay, we only will get to one story, so this is a coveted honor. if we get to bed early (before 830) i'll read several stories, laying in bed with them. if we are late, (900) we will just do one quick board book or short rhyming story. this time winding down together is usually enough for both of them, and the older one frequently falls asleep during the story. it is ok to spend a few minutes in the bed with your children each night. you'll miss it sooner than you think.