How to Do It All When Husband Is Away...

I am a single mom and I do it because I dont have any other choice. I work, am in school, I have a terrible 2 yr old, and attempting to start a business. Everyone always asks me how I do it all and here is my answer:

no sleep

haha

Put her to bed at 8:30/9 and stay up until I get it done. Also good time management helps me extremely. We keep a routine. Best of luck!

I am a military spouse with 3 kids (7,5, & 13months) and 4 major deployments That I have had to deal with on my own. I dont think it is ever easy and it seems Murphys Law applies as soon as you get a system going, something is always there testing your resolve. All you can do is take it day by day. Some days you are on top of everything, and somedays nothing you do seems to make a difference. It does help your stress level even to get 15 to 30 minutes of exercise whenever you can (cardio, yoga, strength training - whatever works for you). It sounds crazy that I am suggesting you add even one more thing to your insane schedule, but it just may save your sanity. I try to do this when I have kids in school (one full day, one half day)and toddler napping or an hour before I need to get up. It gives me the extra energy I need to stay up an hour after all are in bed, or an hour earlier than they wake to accomplish priorities (bills, dishes, floors). Cooking ahead helps. I sometimes cook dinner in the morning or afternoon or whenever I have a free minute since the evenings are insane trying to do homework, baths, dinner, and bedtime routines. I can always warm it up later for dinner, or make extra to freeze on different days. I have a calendar on the refrigerator that tells me the schedule for the week for times when I am so overwhelmed I feel at a loss as to what to accomplish first. this keeps me on track so I am not waisting time on the computer, or getting sucked into a tv show or overeating cuz I missed a meal. It also helps me to continually maintain as much as possible immediately - try not to put anything off as tempting as it becomes, otherwise the job becomes twice as large later. Unless you have a dishwasher, doing the dishes for 5-10 minutes four times a day is much better than trying to accomplish a whole days worth of dishes at the end of the day when you have the least amount of energy. Some times I give the kids a teaspoon of sugar and sprinkles to cook with on the floor while I am cooking, to keep them with me and occupied when I have to do something. I keep a small container of toys in the kitchen for them to play with while i do the dishes for a few mintutes at a time. I give my toddler a wet wasahcloth and she can "help me wash the floors". Housecleaning becomes a game. It is a race to fold the laundry while my toddler hands me all the clothes from the basket to fold. the priorities are the kids, if they are fed, clean and doing well, other things seem unimportant even if you have to catch up on housework later while husband is home entertaining kids, when he is available. The night terrors are frightening, but for my kids, it was a phase. I just try to talk them down when they are dreaming, or try to sing something comforting and make sure they dont fall out of bed until they are relaxed. I just weaned my 13 month old a week ago. As soon as she could drink from a sippy cup sufficiently, I gradually replaced feedings with a meal and milk and at night,when she did not need a feeding, I gave her water instead. I did this gradually until I only had the nighttime feeding left. I also read to her while I nursed, since she would fall alseep nursing alot, so that she could transition from nursing to sleep to reading/talking/singing to sleep. Sometimes she will still protest sleep, but I try to be consistant in making sure that once she is sufficiently fed, and has her bedtime routine (usually half hour after the older children are in bed, I do not get her out of bed until morning. I will go in, talk/sing to her, rub her back, and then leave the room and come back every five minutes or so until she sleeps, but I dont pick her up, or take her out of her bed unless she needs changed. After a few days, I didnt have to go back into her room most nights at all after the first time. My oldest child stopped naps altogether around the age of two, but slept 12-14 hours a night. My second child took naps until he was 4 and slept about 10-12 hours a night. Even now they will wake up occasionally if they are sick or dreaming, but most of the time, they sleep through the night just fine. When this happened, sometimes I would camp out on their floor, so they would stay in their bed and get comfortable there, so they didnt get used to our bed. It also helps to have a "battle buddy" - a good friend, neighbor, family member, someone local you can count on in emergency situations (night trips to ER, vehicle breakdown, doctors appointments, etc). This can be a great stress relief just to know you have someone there for you even if you dont see them everyday. you can share ideas with them on what works for them, what stages are normal for kids, and to have someone to vent to when there is no one else available to keep you from going insane and even swap babysitting if needed. In the end, just remember that this is temporary and the kids are so worth it. They do grow so fast, and soon you will have a whole new set of issues to lose sleep over! Good Luck.

I honestly don't have a clue how I do it. LOL I am in the Air Force at Shaw and my husband is in the Air Force at Robins. I have a 3yr old son and am 14 weeks pregnant. I do fine for a while then I'll have a day where I just feel like I am going to explode from all of the pressure. My husband and I trade off who does the driving for the weekend visits but that drive is getting more and more exhausting as the pregnancy goes on.

I have been in the military for 12 years so although getting out is an option we are considering, I hate to give up that retirement pay that is so close. We don't see any hope of us getting stationed together any time soon though and I really don't want to have this baby by myself.

I would suggest help from friends etc. but I know that sounds so much easier than it actually is. Everyone else has their own lives going on. Because I am in the military and have been on some lengthy deployments my friends aren't really that close. It is hard to maintain close relationships when you are gone for 6 months out of the year. I don't have anyone to rely on so the only suggestion I can give is what I do & that is find outlets for your stress. I know that is difficult with the age of your children. I know my son is pretty needy at three but I have taught him that I need "mommy" time and although he sometimes can't resist, he does a good job at staying in his room playing or watching TV while I read a book or take a bath (usually both at the same time LOL) for a while. Maybe you could try something like this while your son is napping and get your daughter to understand "quiet time/mommy time" so you get little breaks here & there.

I know the waking up in middle of the night is the worst for yoru exhaustion too. My son has been getting up lately too so between that and me having to pee all the time with being pregnant, sleep is rough.

C.
www.purelybalanced.com

Would it be possible for you to get a little extra help in the form of a niece or a neighborhood pre-teen or teen girl? I know that my daughter, who is 18, is always looking for a way to earn a little extra money, and I do mean a little. I don't know anymore if this is typical of young ladies, but I think that having someone around to help out with supper, or watching the kids after their baths or reading a bedtime story to them while you wind down would be immensely helpful. And another thing that would help would be for you to let the small things, like folding laundry, slide during the week when your husband is traveling, and then catching up some on the weekends.

My brother traveled a great deal for the company he used to work for, leaving my sister-in-law alone to care for 5 children, but he changed companies to one he doesn't have to travel as much for, and things have gone much smoother since he is there to help out, even though the child count has gone up by 2. The company he used to work for has even asked him to come back, and guaranteed that he won't have to travel as much. So maybe your husband could talk to his boss about not traveling as often or not traveling for as many days at a time.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I've never been in this situation myself, so I can't give you my experience, only what I think might work. Remember though, don't let the housework be so important that you are not getting the rest you need. This will only make you run down and more susceptible to illnesses.

I am one of those military moms. As a matter of fact my husband is currently 9 months into his year long tour in Korea and I am here in Georgia with a 7 year old and a 2 year old. To top it off I homeschool my 7 year old. So I really am a one woman show. There are times when the laundry just has to not get done or the floors not get vacuumed. I do have some friends that help when I truely feel trapped and need a break. I also belong to the family "y" which provides child care for up to 2 hours at a time and just having that to work out my frustrations with out child intruptions has helped a great deal. Since we are military I don't really have a lot of family around to help with the tough times so I lean on my church family and they are wonderful. One of the ladies in my church comes and takes my 2 year old for a play day with her son about every 2 weeks. That gives me time to focus on my 7 year old and his school. I do it by finding little escapes here an there that give me a fresh breath of air. I try not to worry about the dishes more than my kids. Yes it is hard but developing a routine with them really helps. This is the second time my husband has been gone for a whole year and I am sure it will not be the last. Work on small managable pieces at a time. It all gets done sooner or later. Just breathe.

M.

Why not try and get your husband involved more? Have him read stories onto a tape (this could even be done on the nights he is away) and then when he is gone you could put one in for each of your children at bedtime. That would give you a few minutes while he "reads" to them. This could even be used at other times when things are getting hectic. You could sit them down on the couch for some down time and let daddy "read" to them while you finish dinner or whatever. You could also make a video of him reading to them to use during the daytime which may make it more exciting for them.

HI A.

I feel that you DO NEED an extra pair of hands, meaning hiring somebody to help you with house work, while you take care of the kids and have SOMETIME FOR YOURSELF! If you shut down, the whole family will.

Organize a time for everything and work it out to the T. you should also deserve time to relax if you want to also enjoy yourself and your relationship.

wish you the best

You didn't mention if you lived around your parents. Most grandparents wouldn't mind coming over and giving you a hand once or twice a week. It also gives them a chance to spend some quality time with the kids. As for the nightmares try reading funny stories before bed and have quiet time at least an hour before she goes to bed. She can sit and watch a movie while you are getting the baby ready for bed for her winedown time. good luck

Wow- That sounds challenging! Do you have family member or a trusted teenager that can come over to help you out after school? My mom used to hire a "mommies helper", not quite a babysitter, b/c you will still be around, but allows and helps you get your kitchen cleaned, laundry done so forth!
My husband normally gets home about 6pm, and there are days I can not wait for him to come home- My heart goes out to you, and all the other moms of traveling dad's! Good Luck!!

A.,

I can comment on one specific part of your e-mail. I have a four year old girl as well, who has suffered her fair share of night terrors. These are horrid, aren't they? So much worse than just a bad dream.

I am curious as to whether or not your four-year old still does naptime. I ask this because we noticed that when we got Mia onto a naptime schedule, the night terrors ceased. If there is one day that she does not get a nap in, we can pretty much guarantee a rough night. When the naptime schedule is adhered to, things are smooth sailing. It sounds like her day is pretty busy, filled with a lot. I little naptime, if she doesn't already do it, might help the night terrors out.

As for the nursing of the 19-month old, I applaud you for keeping it up as long as you have. It doesn't make it any easier when it comes time to weaning him, but I just thought I'd send you some props for doing it in the first place. When you do finally decide to wean him, if you in fact plan on doing so - I don't know, you might be just planning on pumping for him -- but if you are planning on weaning him anytime soon, the operative words for you, A., are CABBAGE LEAVES. I'm sure you've been briefed on the possibility of painful engorgement when you start the weaning process, and cabbage leaves on your breasts somehow ease the soreness, and makes the process a bit less difficult.

Good luck with everything ... getting your doctorate and family life. I'll be returning to school in the Fall to becoming an ASL interpreter, so I'm sure my life will be interesting as well. We have a nearly one-year old girl as well, who I currently nurse. It'll be interesting to see how that all plays out.

E.

Hi A.
I'm one of those military wives that do it all by herself! It took me a while but I finally got to know one of my neighbors enough to trust leaving my two year old with her to go do things like doctor's visits and grocery shopping on my own. It's so much fun by myself, LOL! I'm trying to keep my home in order right now because we're trying to sell a house to get ready for a move too. So I know how hectic it can be... mine are two and five and sometimes they get along great.
I'm a big fan of the Super Nanny show. I've implemented allot of her teachings to my life. Dealing with bed times and discipline. Allot of it has to do with the amount of time you have one on one time with your children. I mean really try to spend time with them without thinking or saying I need to do laundry or do something else. Although it is a mess to clean, painting together and coloring together seems to work with us. The togetherness may also help with the night terrors. Get next to her bed at night and talk about what it is that makes her worry... she may be having the problem because she thinks that things in the house is crazy or someone at school may have said or done something to her, ie name calling. Ask them individually what they did during the day and then ask specifically what they did. Did they have a nap... was it a good nap, did they sing abc, etc. Have them help with laundry. Have the little one hold the basket so it doesn't escape and hand the folded stuff to your daughter to put into the basket or have her try to fold. It's together time. Whatever you do, don't freak out at the little ones. It may seem like negative attention but it is none the less attention from their mommy.

Good Luck

A.

My husband and I were both in the military when we foung out we were having twins. I separated as soon as I could and he had to finish out his enlistment. I understand about him being away a lot and you being the one holding it all together! I was given a lot of advice when we were going through this. Have you looked into local school, college, or tech-school programs for individuals learning early childhood education? Many times these individuals need hands on training. Maybe they could come watch the kids for an hour or two while you play catch up or take a time out. I never used it only because I felt I could handle it, but now realize that I was an IDIOT for not trying it!!!! You are there to suupervise if need be, but maybe they could in when your schedule is most crazy and lend that helping hand. Good luck!!

M.

Hi A.,
First of all, you need to take a deep breathe and relax -- it's a bumpy ride, so buckle up and make it fun (I can say this because my ex travelled the same schedule and then I was a single mom for 5 years with a 1 year old daughter and a four year old son and I worked full time). Do chores when the kids are at daycare and school. Cook all meats for the week on Sunday afternoons when your hubby is still home. You can freeze them in individual packs in the freezer and zap them for 2 minutes in the microwave each night. Before bedtime, I used to put both kids in my son's bed and read them a story - his little sister was allowed to stay if she was quiet... My son was already tucked in and going to sleep after the story, so it wasn't a big deal when I left the room with my daughter. Then I would rock her a little and put her to bed. And then I would go to bed. You need your rest. Your house can be cleaned when they're at school. The kids will be calmer when you are calmer. Good luck. One day (when they're 13 and 9) you'll wish they were still that little. N.

I am a military wife of 12 years. At 11 years, we realized that we had been apart 8 1/2 of it. A month together here, 3 months there, 2 weeks here and there, added up to the 2 1/2 we were actually together.

Let me tell you something, I used to be the frantic mom, clothes strewn through the house, dishes piled up to the point that I had to wash some for us to eat supper with (sounds horrible, I know) because I couldn't get it all done. I work full time, go to school full time, take care of a 5 and 9 yr old, a house (and I used to take care of my two elderly grandparents also). I was stressed, and even though I had family near, I was caring for them.

At what I thought was going to be the break of a marriage for it (screaming at the kids almost, screaming at my husband for being gone--when it wasn't his fault, and just utterly overwhelmed), he came home early one time, and we moved.

He was home almost 8 months WOW!!!!!! YEAH!!!! and when he got shipping orders to Iraq again, I just made a decision that it was going to be different. NO MATTER WHAT. I know it sounds corny, and I never believed that "telling" yourself that "it's not bad", and CHOOSING to look at something positive instead of negative would EVER work for me, or anyone else for that matter. I MADE the decision to find something good instead of bad in everything. If I couldnt' find it in that EXACT situation, I would find something near it to be happy about. For example, instead of stressing about the laundry and the mess, I would stop all working and actually WATCH my kids play... the looks on their faces, actually just watching them be kids, made the rest of the stress melt away. As long as they aren't malnourished (which I'm sure they are NOT) and as long as they are not living in filth (which I'm sure they are not) and as long as you are not yelling your head off at them (which I used to be before I started doing this), it will all be OK. I promise. You have to WANT to be that person that holds it all together. You have to WANT to change your outlook on every situation that gets thrown your way. And most of all, you have to find the LITTLE THINGS in everything around you, let those LITTLE THINGS fill your jar, and there won't be anymore room for the stress. I KNOW that sounds corny and impossible, but I was almost committed once for my anxiety/stress/bi-polar tendencies, and I didn't believe it was possible. But I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that if you just choose to look at the kids playing instead of the pile of laundry (even if it has to be on the table--HEY you are watching them that they don't get hurt LOL), or pick flowers with them on a walk instead of looking at the carpet, take a bad situation, deal with it, refuse to dwell on it, and find something happy to think about, your life will be so different.

The suggestions of cooking ahead of time adn freezing it are wonderful. I dont' know the type of food you feed your family, but I have many simple (large) non time consuming recipies that feed many, and make multiple meals with each time you fix it. If you would like to know, message me, adn Ill be happy to help.

Best of luck....sorry it's so long though!

Hello A., once I became a mom I have gained a NEW RESPECT for the single parent. How do single moms do it? I really dont have anything great to offer. Because you already have some routines in place. I only have 1, she is 3. I try to keep her on a routine as much as possible.

I suggest at bedtime quiet the house. Turn off Tvs etc. My daughter goes to bed better when the house is Quiet. So this has been part of our rotine for a while. Sorry I dont have much else to say. I think routines are best. Just let your kids know who the boss is. YOU!

My kids are slightly older (2 1/2 and 7). Otherwise it sounds like my house even with my husband home every night. If you figure it out, let me know.