How to Develp Social Skills

Why is he playing with other children? Do they come to the house? Are they relatives or friends children? Perhaps he is still too young to enjoy playing with others and you should stop trying until he is older. However when he uses force on another he should get an immediate punishment. Remove him from the area and make him sit in time out. Eventually he will get the message.

Hi J.,
I would definitely consider enrolling your son in daycare where he will be able to interact with children his age and be able to socialize at the same time by doing activities at the daycare which are age appropriate for him. Not only will your son develop a sharing and caring attitude, but he will also begin to understand that it is OK to play with others children without feeling angry. Good luck to you!!!

One poster had a good idea about when play dates are at your house then put the special toys away. Learning to share takes time and patience. However if he is hitting, biting, and pushing then I think the best thing to do is to end the play date. Eventually he will understand that if he behaves this way there are consequences he will have no one to play with. If people are at your home then I would put him in his room for a while and tell him until he is ready to play nice he cannot come out. If you are out then I would take him and leave immediately and let him know why.

I think there's more than social skills wrong here. Those will usually correct themselves when a child is feeling good. I'm just guessing that he may have some food allergies or other deficiencies or toxicities. You may want to bring him to a naturopath or to a homeopathic doctor. Homeopathy often works very well for these types of children to get them calm.

My normally very pacifist friend finally got frustrated enough with her daughter's biting that she bit her back one day. She never bit again. I'm not suggesting that but I do think they are not always aware of what they're doing. My friend's daughter was about 2.

Keep in mind that by nature some children will prefer to play by themselves. Rather than having him play with children his own age you might want to hire an older boy to play with him, maybe an 8-10 year old who could also bring a few of his own toys like trucks or playmobile or whatever boys play with these days.

Children like to learn and having them around older people is far less frustrating. "Socialization" doesn't need to mean they can play peacefully with their own age at 2-5. In a school setting they will be forced to do so and usually they are mature enough by then to deal with not biting and hitting.

well, i don't know if this will work cause it only works a bit in my house, but we aren't really concentrating on it much right now. i have a "proud chart" that has all the things we want our daughter to be working on, cleaning, brushing teeth etc. after doing these things 10 times she earns a "sunshine" to get a toy at the dollar store. for her big prize she has to have 12 "good behavior" days where she basically doesn't get in trouble and listens to mommy and daddy, then she gets a trip to chuck e cheese. i know it's bribery but it did really work well with potty training, which is when i started it (when all else had failed). so, maybe a rewards system beyond stickers would be good. i saw on super nanny once that they used a big container that the child put ping pong balls in when he was good and when the container was full he got something special. anyway, whatever you do, good luck. bad behavior can be awefully frustrating. especially at an age that you can only reason with them so much.
-K.

when you have kids over to play remember he feels his turf is being invaded...it's okay to put away some special toys...no one should have to share everything...and just keep reinforcing and explaining...it'll come, it's very appropriate for preschoolers not to want to share...

Hi J.,
I think positive reinforcement is part of the solution. As a parent and a one time kid (as we all are) it's instinctual for kids and adults to dislike kids who don't play well with and hurt others. Although I think most 3-year olds begin to develop their personalities at that age and start asserting themselves and it's natural behavior to some extent, but that doesn't mean that it's appropriate. What worked on my four kids is this 1. Explain nicely (about 100 times) between wrong and right and how to play nice with others 2. Reinforce good behavior by exactly what you're doing 3. If he gets out of line punish him-- which means either get him away from the other kids and don't allow him to play until he calms down and a spanking works as well. Our parents did it to us, and it worked perfectly.

Good Luck

Hi J.,
If the playdates are normally at your house, your son is feeling territorial. At less than three, this is pretty normal. There is no way for him to understand that this other child is not going to take away his toys. He knows they are his but is too young to understand that the other child will just play with his toy for a short time and then leave without it. He is feeling threatened. I would suggest having some playdates in a neutral place like a park, let each child bring his own toys. It can also help if you do a community playgroup, preschool or parent and me class, where he will get to experience several children playing with the same toys.
He may simply not be developmentally mature enough to handle play dates, and if so, that is okay, he is still 2 years old.
Good luck

Hi J.,

I might have more questions than suggestions, but here goes:

Is he in any kind of regular care or playgroup, or are his social situations more occassional? Some of his "problems" (like biting) are possibly more age-related. Is he very verbal?

I think positive praise is one of the best ways to reinforce good behavior. Tangible rewards might be a problem in the long run if he starts to expect "something" anytime he does behave the way you want him to.

Sharing can be difficult for preschoolers. My son will also be three soon and he does better if he initiates anything like sharing (with encouragement). If I make him "share," it is pretty rough. Sometimes encouraging something that does not involve toys can help with group play, like physical activity. There is nothing to share and the kids enjoy the adtivity together. If you are getting together with other children, you can try listening to music that tells the children to do things (like the hokey pokey, freeze dancing, jumping, marching, running in circles, touching toes, etc.) or follow-the-leader type games where you take turns copying each other's action. This might be a way to ease him into social activities without worrying about actual contact or toys. Keep trying but don't push him. I never liked kids when I was little and preferred to play on my own--not all children are outgoing and sociable, and that is okay. :)

Imitation is the way they learn best at this age. So think of ways for this, i.e. you have a "play date" for yourself with girlfriends where he can see that you take turns talking, say things like "excuse me" and so forth. You can also try videos that demonstrate good social skills. And it's not so much that you correct him but rather re-direct him when he does something he shouldn't do... it is NOT enough that he "knows better" because kids that age need a whole lot of repitition. So when he snatches a toy, instead of whicking him off to time out and telling him that was "bad" you are going to get down on eye level with him and peer, give the toy back to the peer and demonstrate asking for it nicely. You're best off having him play with a child who is a little older and has well developed social skills so that s/he can follow your lead more easily. it will also be a good influence on him. This area (social skills building) can be a tough one but a very important one so you are right to be concerned. And this is where you want to nip it in the bud for sure. My advice is to try everything, consistently, and see if he's able to apply it. If not, consider whether or not he has i.e. speech delays (would increase frustration) and last resort get him evaluated by an early intervention team. Most parents are scared to do this, but it is a free service and they work with your child's individual needs until it is resolved and teach you to do likewise. I would really consider that if I were you b/c this really is crucial to his self-esteem development and will in turn impact other areas of development if not sufficiently addressed. Best wishes, N.

Try to sit and play with him. Make him take turns. make him wait for his turn. color with him, while coloring ask for the crayon he is using, make him share it with you, take it, use it and give it back to him. it sounds like he frustrates easily so you must show him how to play. Forget the praises and timeout, just sit and play, color, build w/blocks, build a train track, then run the trains on the track, talking to him all the while, explaining what you're doing, showing him how to play. Children need to be taught how to play properly. Good LUck and enjoy playing with your child, it's the best time you'll have together.

nursery school would be great. give a heads up to the teachers though. 2 1/2 hrs 2-3 dys/wk

A neighbor's son had a bit of occupational therapy to help with socialization. Maybe talk to your pediatrician to see what s/he recommends.