2 Year Old Aggressive Behavior

My suggestion is to stop the warning. As soon as you see him going for the other child, put him in the time out. Don't look him in the eye or talk to him until AFTER the time out, save the apology for after the time out. You might get better results with quick, immediate consequences.

He is not yet able to fully "share" as is expected of him, or as compared to other kids.
He will adapt, in time.
He is being also territorial, which many 2 years old are and do.

If he is still in this phase.. .then perhaps, just take him to another area of the playground... and do something else with him. Also, he does not 'have to' share his things either. Its okay. He has a sense of 'ownership' developing and 'fears' that his toy will disappear etc. These are literal thoughts of a toddler. It is real for them.
My son, when he was that age, would think that if he "shared" or gave something to another kid or his sister... that he would NEVER EVER get it back. He "worried" about his toy... at this age, the difference between "temporary" and "permanent" giving... is not yet totally understood. So, thus, they don't want to share.

Teach him about "manners" versus, an either/or type of thing. Not about "sharing" per say or him having to do it. A child this age is also trying to exert "boundaries" and may not want to share. They don't have to.... nor even just out of perfunctory gesture. For my kids, if out at a park, if they don't want to share something, I don't force it. I tell the other kids, "no, they don't want to share right now. Its okay, Its theirs and is special to them... maybe later."
For me... personally, I think it is important, for my kids to develop a sense of "boundaries"... because later, it will enable them to navigate themselves against people/situations that are inappropriate.

Your son is age appropriate... but the whole "ability/mastery" of him being able to "share" without conflict will develop... maybe just not yet. But try not making the whole "sharing" thing unpleasant or a point of punishment. Otherwise, they will equate "sharing" with being BAD and unpleasant.

Role-play with him... about manners and scenarios. Teach him HOW to "ask permission" for a toy, teach him WHAT TO SAY... in simple ways... not wordy sentences. A 2 year old, needs examples to go ALONG with the gesture. And teach him how to communicate... his needs AND irritations as well... thereby helping him to cope with "anger" or disgruntled-ness, and that YOU will listen and he will realize that having feelings, is okay, and that he can say it and will learn to navigate himself... in time, in a more palatable way. Praise him when he does do things pleasantly.

Time-outs for sharing/non-sharing is not going to solve it. There is also the emotional/developmental ability too.

All the best,
Susan

Imagine you have a boss who wants you to stop thinking, feeling or reacting like a woman. Could you do it? Would it even be fair to expect that of you?

As you noted, this is normal behavior for his age. 2 year-olds play alongside other kids rather than with other kids. They feel possessive about their toy, as well as the toy that other child is having fun with. Telling them to think/feel/be otherwise at this age is not going to result in them changing; they simply need time to grow up some more. Punishing them for being what they are is not effective.

Of course, you can begin encourage taking turns and sharing. But keep it positive by demonstrating desirable behavior, not by forcing kids to make insincere apologies. This does work, and probably at least as fast as making kids go through the motions before they understand them, which can induce a sense of unfairness or injustice (and eventually backfire). Kids are natural imitators when young, and soak up both language and social skills that they hear and see around them.

In my observation, a mom's group for mothers of toddlers is really best spent mostly interacting with the toddlers, because they are naturally impulsive and are barely beginning to learn social expectations, a process which will take the next several years. You can't turn children that young loose with each other and expect good social interaction.

So be involved, play with the kids, model how to share. Distract and redirect when normal but undesirable behavior emerges. This is not only incredibly important work, but it's great fun. A bundle of little kids are a real hoot if you aren't expecting to be there for your own social connections.

Ms T., My son just turned 2 yesterday and I have 2 older children 8 and 12.. Our kids learn by example.. Do you notice when the baby gets ahold of something.. we say "No baby, you can't have that, that is mine." Or the older sibling says something to that effect.. That is why toddlers become "territorial".. because that's what they hear all of the time, just like the word NO... find some things of yours that you are willing to share with him, and teach him how to share things of his with you or brothers or sisters.. It is just a phase, but what us parents fail to realize alot of the time is that they are learning their behavior from us... :)

First I am sorry, it is hard to remain calm when your child is behaving in a way that is unbecoming - and can be complicated if you feel it reflects on you. My advice would be to seek to understand what he is trying to say with his actions and to respond to his need rather than trying to control his behavior.

I had a similar scenario when my son was that age.. I focused more on control by trying getting him to do what I thought appropriate, which was more about my need. It would have been more helpful to have helped him understand a better way to express his need.

I think we would have have been less frustrated. Good luck!

yes it is just a phase my son he is 4 now did the same thing at that age. i did just what you did just that after a while i didnt give him any warnings any more i just put him in time out and told him why cause have it happend so many times he knew he wasnt sup. to do it and knew what he was doing wrong.

Although I am a big fan of 1, 2, 3, Magic I do not feel it is fair to the child being hit. Try and remember that while you are distraught that your child is hitting, the real victim is the child being hit. 1, 2, 3 Magic gives a child 3 warnings before they are removed from the situation. As a parent of a child who has been hit (pretty hard) by other toddlers I have a problem with my child being hit or pushed 3 times before the parent removes them from the situation. I know that hitting is a normal 2 year old behavior and the first appropriate action is to immediately remove your child from the situation where the hitting is taking place. You don't have to leave entirely, but having your child sit out for a few minutes would make a big impact. Then, have him apologize to the child who was hit. If it happens again remove him again. Consistency is key.

My son is 2 1/2 and going thru the same type of phase. I know that it will pass but is a real pain. Be consistant and he will figure out that he will not get away with it. You're doing a great job! Sending happy thoughts your way!

2's have poor impulse control and also do not share well. Your son wants what he wants and he wants it NOW. He doesnt realize it isnt his and Im sure you tell him to share with others. So either stop going to playgroup until he learns to share at around 36 months. Or warn him when you first join the group, BEFORE he approaches the other children. Then watch him and if you even think he is going to misbehave, take him aside and warn him again. If he still misbehaves give him an immediate time out, you have already warned him. But redirecting is much better than time outs. Maybe bring a toy or 2 in a bag that you dont give him right away, then when he wants another's toy you can give him one. Also dont make him share if he doesnt want to. He is too young to understand the concept.

I do a lot of role playing with my 23 month old. She isn't' very physical, but rather more verbal, so we play act what she should do when another kid pushes or bites her, and we role play what she should do if she wants a toy, etc. I remind her of these things before every playgroup, and I praise her like crazy when she does what I ask of her. I also really encourage sharing, and we do a lot of sharing around the house.

During play group, I watch her very carefully, and if I see her and another kid about to fight over a toy, I intervene and coach them about how to manage the situation. I encourage sharing, encourage words, etc.

If she engages in such behavior, I remove her completely from the situation, and discuss it, and I also warn her that if I see such behavior again we will be going home.

Its totally normal. They still are learning control. Time outs didn't work for me with my son but he would get them in school or my husband would give them and they'd work - he clearly WALKS ALL OVER ME, so I tried other tactics. Time outs when I did them made my son FREAK OUT and I felt eventually the whole lesson was lost b/c he got himself so distraght. I would remove him from the situation. Remove myself from the situation (if I was the target of the biting,etc) I would speak sternly and said "mommy does not allow hitting...we hit baseballs with a bat or for biting I'd say mommy doesn't allow hitting "we bite our food only" And so on. It took some time but I think you have to reinforce the message and eventually they will gain control.

This is normal behavior for him, all of my kids have and are (I have a 2 YO girl) going through this. I use 1,2,3 Magic.....That's 1, we do not push (i'd make her apologize)....That's 2 we do not push (apologize)....That's 3 (apologize), time out because we do not push anyone. Or you can set aside those choice really bad behaviors to have immediate time outs. With hitting, I usually have an immediate time out. In public, I remove her from the area where she wants to be, at home she gets her room/crib.

The only thing that cures this is time and consistency. Learning through how you act and what you expect of him is key. Make sure your husband and any other older siblings are consistent with this as well. Good luck!

I really like what Patti M has to say about the example of our words and actions. I also question sometimes the expectations we have of our children for things we would never expect of ourselves. How many of us share things the way we expect our 2 year olds to do? It's not even part of our culture. If you like your neighbor's chainsaw and have a job it would be useful for, what's the likelihood you'd ask to borrow it? What's the likelihood you'd lend yours? A lot more likely that you'd go out and buy your own. Each household has (at least!) one of everything (as opposed to, say, a cooperative where you share tools), often each child has one of everything in a household, parents have lots off-limits things from kids, etc. Do we really mean it when we say sharing is a value because we certainly don't act like it's an adult value. (Maybe we just mean that not beating each other up over an object is the value?)

I know this seems like a tangential commentary on society and not about 2 yr old behavior management, but I really believe that kids learn more by the example you set than by the words that come out of your mouth. What they see is reality, what you say is just what you're asking/"making" them do. And they do it to please you or because they're worried about the punishment.

But, in addition to that rant, I also know it is also just a developmental phase. So, one method I've seen used at daycare and we try sometimes at home is what I call "empathy training." In other words, help them to understand what the other kid is feeling when they are hit, pushed, etc., instead of just saying "you need to apologize." Try "look how sad that made Justin. What can we do?" . . . "Justin is really mad right now because he wants the toy too - maybe we can share to cheer him up?" It feels sooo good when I ask my 2 yr old what we can do and HE says, "say sorry," or HE brings the other kid a toy or gives a hug. It makes my day.

Hi T.
I will suggest to you too a book titled 1,2,3 Magic. Sounds as if the consequences you are putting in place just are not enough to recall. I can tell you from years of experience as I am probably old enough to be your mom, that it is always fun to go to playgroup, but play group is for kids to play not for mom's to talk. If you think you are going to be able to sit and visit as I have seen some do, it is a faulty notion when you have a 2 year old. You have to be there to teach them immediately almost before they do something what the behavior is you want them to have, If you don't teach it now it is much harder to remove as they get older. 2 yo's are selfish, and want their own way, don't be surprised by that. Show him how to share and take turns, not be there to correct bad behavior. If that makes sense.