How Did You Know You Were "Done" Having Kids?

I only have one son and know that I am done having kids. I am only 20 but a lot of things influenced my choice. I grew up very poor and didn't have money for college or anything else even when I was young I didn't have much. I stay at home with my son and am still in school (paying for it myself). I want to be able to help him get through college and give him all the things that I didn't have. Also I have 3 siblings and know that attention is a hard thing to get when there are so many of us. I want to give him all the attention I can. I want to teach him at home before he goes to kindergarden and be there for every activity that he has. Knowing how things work with so many kids I just feel it is better for me to have just my little boy.

We have so much in common! My baby #2 is only 7mo and I'm trying to decide on BC options. I'm really leaning towards waiting several years before making a permanent decision. Email me if you want to chat - ____@____.com

When did I know I was "done"? When my 2nd child, my daughter came out too fast and I didn't get an epidural.
SCREAMING, God Help me!

YEP, done, not doing that again!LOL

All jokes aside, we decided together, and I decided my body had had enough. One of each, one boy, one girl, the "Heir and the Spare" LOL

I have 12 siblings and am a mother of 4. We thought we were done with each of them but as time went on and they grew, we would change our minds. The youngest is 18 months old and until about a month ago I was certain that we were done. We have a hectic life and I work full time from home so it's pretty crazy every day. I rarely get everything done. HOWEVER, lately I have been thinking about it again for some crazy reason. My husband is holding steadfast to the "were done" decision. I doubt if he'll change his mind so I guess everything works out the way it is supposed to. Sometimes I am glad that I don't have a newborn. Especially when the kids are sick and I'm up all night with one or more of them. It's so hard already and trust me, just because you have 4 it doesn't take away the middle child syndrome. My second child, 7, girl, is really feeling that she is left out and no matter what I do or how much attention she gets it is never enough. I would base your decision, not just on feelings but on finances and energy level because if you are going to have 2 children under 2 yrs old, you will need a TON of energy and lots of extra diapers :) Good luck and follow your heart.
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I have three children and would not change a thing. The middle child syndrome, in my opinion, is psychobabble. Love your children for who they are and have faith. That is all you can do. Good Luck!

I thought i was done having kids. I had a tubal after my third child nov. 06. I have regretted it every single day since them. I find myself crying about it to.i suggest going on some form of birth control that u take charge of. Something that can be reversed if u want more. I do not whatsoever suggest gettin a tubal if ur not sure. I thought i was sure but boy was i wrong.
The main reasin that i did it was due to my health probs. On that not it was a responsable decision. But emotionaly i feel like less of a woman kinda when a woman has a hysterectomory..

I think it's hard to really know. We're biologically programmed to want children. I always told myself I didn't want any. But I welcomed being pregnant and having the one I have. Sometimes I want one more. Sometimes I think it would be a bad idea. I find myself wanting a baby the most when I'm expecting my period...
I do step back and am pleased with where we are. My daughter is 4, and I get a lot of enjoyment out of relishing each stage of her development, not sure if I would have the attention span or energy to notice the little things that are changing in her if I had another child. But, as others have said; we all have our thresholds of what we can handle.
On a side note, I have a friend who is child number 3 out of 4 and she has middle child issues.

Hi C.,

I just recently had my third and final child 6 weeks ago. I have always said I wanted at least 2 kids and no more than 3. But I also said I really didn't want to have kids past the age of 30. I wanted to be able to enjoy them while I was young but yet still be fairly young when they graduated high school.

After having my third child via c-section I decided to have my tubes tied. It was kind of a scary decision but I have absolutley no regrets now. I think 3 kids is a great number of course my two girls are also 10 years apart so my youngest daughter is almost like the oldest. I don't think we'll really have the middle child issue. (I have a 12 year old, 2 year old and 6 week old).

You just really have to give it alot of thought. Write down the pro's and con's and go from there. Good Luck! It's never an easy decision. But I really feel 3 kids is a great number.

L.

I can't attest to knowing about being "done" having kids, since I only have one and plan to have more. But I just want to reassure you about the whole "middle child syndrome" as I noticed some others had made a point about also. My husband is the 3rd of 4 boys and he completely got overlooked. Most of that has very little to do with the fact that he is the 3rd of 4. It has to do with the type of parents his parents are. His other three brothers realized that in order to get their parents approval they had to play sports. Chad wasn't at all interested in that and they only went to one of his activities whereas they went to every single game and drug Chad along to all the games of his siblings. So I guess what I'm trying to say is regardless of how many children you have the only thing you have to worry about related to the number of kids you have, is just love them for who they ARE and not who you wish they were.

Hi C.. Your daughter is only 5 months old, I'd like to tell you not to even worry about it right now. I know it's not likely though. I have two boys ages 11 and 8. I decided I was done when my youngest was 5. My kids were more self sufficient and I didn't want to start over. My husband and I found out I was pregnant a year later. I was worried about the age difference at first, but now I am glad they are spread out some, it was like having your 1st child all over again. We had a little girl and I am sooo blessed, and so glad I didn't do anything permanant. I can't imagine life without her now. Just keep that in mind.

I was a middle child and I never understood what people were talking about when they said middle child syndrome. I was also raised by a single father with no help from family nor friends. I have two young boys and I thought that I was done having children, my motto was "why have more children than you do arms?". But I have definately reevaluated that conclusion after accidentaly getting pregnant and losing the baby. I can't wait to have a third! But this time I will plan it and enjoy every minute. Good luck with your decision you sound like a wonderful attentive mother and any child would be lucky to have you as a mom!

After the two boys, I figured we'd kind of see what happened, although all along I knew that 3 was right for us. Also, as soon as I got pregnant the third time, I absolutely knew I was done. There was no doubt in my mind. As for the middle child thing, my middle son is a very well-adjusted, happy, straight-A student who is good in sports and loves being a big brother to his sister, and also having a big brother he can look up to. My dad was a middle child and he loved being in that position. I don't think you can worry about that position, unless you totally forget you have a middle child altogether. While I used to see babies and think "ooh, how sweet", I also remembered late nights, diapers, feedings, and carting the whole house around when you had to go anywhere with the baby. Now, I'm just looking forward to being a grandma some day (although not in the very near future - my oldest is only 15)! I somehow think if you're wondering if you're done having children, then maybe you're not quite there yet. I also agree with your theory on 4 children - for me it would have just been overkill! Good luck!

After our second baby, I started having the desire for a 3rd also. My husband and I disagreed over it for awhile. He wanted to stop at two. I told him that we would never regret having a 3rd, but if we stopped at 2 then later on (after we were too old to have any more) we would regret it that we didn't have a third. I didn't want to have any regrets! Now I'm pregnant with our 3rd and I'm VERY glad we didn't stop at 2! I know after this one we are done simply because I am 38 and know the risks associated with advanced maternal age. If I was younger, I'd have about 8 kids though. (My husband is probably very glad we AREN'T younger! lol.). I wouldn't worry too much about that "middle child syndrome" thing if you decide to stop at 3. It's not always the middle child. Good luck with your decision!

I thought the idea was not to have even amount of kids, cause you are always going to take care of the yongest or he or she will get most of your attention. So I thought it was to have odd amount of kids that way if you have 3 the olderst two play together and entertain each other while the yongest you spend the most time with. I think this is the way it is. In my family there are 4 of us I was the oldest and always played with my brother a year yonger than me. My mom took care of the youngest and my sister was always left alone. and I know she was always left out, we always would fight with her me and my brother etc. I also have a niece that has two daughters and when the first one was born all the attention was for her but when her sister was born then mommy takes care of the younger and the olderst always get jelous and has no one to play because the youngest is with mommy. I may be wrong but I thought odds are better.

I agree with the mom who said you shouldn't live with regret. I have 2 girls and have not had a desire to have a third and my girls are now 8 & 6 my husband is scheduled to have a vasectomy so I know I am done and I am content with not having any more kids. I think if you long to have a 3rd child that is what you should do. I have a friend who has 5 kids and wouldn't change it for the world. They do often struggle financially and don't take elaborate vacations and aren't dressed in the latest fashions but are a very happy family and do a lot together. As for worrying about the middle child syndrome I am a middle child and don't have any issues I was more rebellious than my siblings but as an adult I have the best relationship with my parents out of us kids. I am sure what ever descision you make will be right for your family.

Hi C.!!I'm a sahm of 7 and i love it.To answer your question, for me i knew i was done completely when i had my one and only son jacob 3 years ago.I am the oldest of 7 and i NEVER in a million years thought i would ever have that many , but i just fell in love with each and everyone of them that i just couldn't let it be final.Keep in mind that with my first marriage i had 3 beautiful girls and i always wanted to have one more because of what they say wbout the 3rd baby..it's true for me that she was always left out so when i remarried years later we had 3 more girls and a lot of people would ask us if we were trying for a boy, but honest to God i never wanted one.He truly is our miracle baby because he was so not planned but loved very much and i wouldn't trade him for anything, but i knew i was done when he turned one and was the onriest thing i've ever seen and i'm just too old to keep up!! lol[i just turned 40] we also have 3 grown kids now and have 3 grandbabies so i definately am done.Every once in a while i get that twinge..But.. IT always goes away after spending the day with all of them. I just thought i would tell you my story because i had the same question years ago and struggled with it for quite awhile and thought you might find it funny!! Good luck and God Bless!! L.

When my son was born(baby #3) our family felt complete. I know it sounds cheesy but that's how I knew we were finished. I do still feel a little sad that his the last baby. But we are good with the 3.

I think 4 kids would make for worse "middle kid" syndrome than 3 kids. For one thing, you have twice as many middle kids that way. lol

How did I know I was done? I guess when my uterus decided it was done and started trying to escape. lol I had a severe prolapse after my 2nd, and ended up with a hysterectomy when he was 13 months old. I had been referring to him as the middle child since he was born - which my husband didn't appreciate, because he didn't want another one.

I used to regret not having another. But my boys are 8 and 11 now, both with ADHD and one with bipolar, and I'm thinking it was probably a good thing.

I think the deciding factor should be you and your husband knowing how much you have to give emotionally, physically, financially. It's really only an issue when the two of you don't agree.

Hi C.,
Well I have 4 children, I thought the samething when I had my 3rd child I was "done". So what made me change my mind ... It was Christmas of 06' we had spent the night with my husbands parents and his brother and sister and all of the family which 17 total including his parents. So we were sitting there on the couch watching Christmas vacation and it hit me that I love the idea of having a big famliy, so a week later I asked my husband could we PLEASE try for #4 he about pooped his pants and after many discussions we decided it was a go.
So now my 4th child is 6 months old, I have 2 boys and 2 girls, I am totally happy having 4 children. Is it overwelming at times, yes, I'm not gonna lie but at the same time I love it and them. We have an even team 3 girls and 3 boys counting my husband an I. There is the money factor in raising 4 children, my childrens ages are 15 yrs, 6 yrs, 3 yrs, and 6 months. Right now I have 2 in school and 2 out but in 2 years I will have 3 in school and then 3 yrs later I will have one on his own and the last one in Kindegarten.
The one thing I did know is that if I was going to get pregnant again with the 4th I wanted to be by 31 which I did accomplish that.
So now when my children grow up I will have 2 weddings to pay for, 2 rehearsal dinners, 4 son/daughter in-laws and if my 4 children give me 4 grandchildren a piece I will have 16 total. That would be 26 total for all major holidays. Can you imagine 26 people in the immediate family for thanksgiving dinner, oh my gosh, but I love the thought of it!! Am I crazy or what ??
I have no regrets for adding another child, but now at 31 and 4 children I can honestly say I have no desire to do it again on purpose. But that was one thing I did say to myself that I didn't want to go thru my life and be down the road at 50 and say I wish I would've had another child. So I did it.
Do I worry about paying for college yes, do I worry if I would've been making a better life for my child(ren) if I would've only had 1, 2, 3, yes. I worry about all those things but I also know that if God wasn't I my side than he wouldn't of gave me 4 healthy pregnancies, 1 child that likes to argue so he will probably be a lawyer, 1 child that He is so matter of fact and at 6 tells you just how it is, 1 who I can only imagine will be a famous painter and dance on broadway she colors the walls and anything else she can, she dances to all types of music and yet to be seen the new one, what will she be, at this point she has spikey hair that stands on end and she screams with happiness. I have 2 dark brown headed kids with brown eyes (the oldest and youngest) and the middle 2 have blonde hair and blue eyes. The oldest and the 3rd have very curly hair, the 2nd and so far the youngest has straight hair. I LOVE each and everyone of them and encourage them to be whatever they desire in life. What is my answer only you can know that, you have to do some soul searching. I hope I've helped you in some way, W. mom of 4.

P.S. I would like to add the middle child syndrome never even crossed my mind on what number of children to have. But since I was a little kid I had always known I would have children I just didn't know how many, my sister on the other hand has 1 child and has no plans on having more (she is not the child type) she on the other hand fosters puppies and kitties, lol those are her kids. Right now with my 4 children the middle 2 pester the oldest, the middle 2 a boy and a girl fight with each other but at the same time when they lay down at night to go to sleep they snuggle up next to each other. The middle 2 love to play with their baby sister. I think that the number of children you have is determined by what you can handle in life. I only have 1 sister, my husband has a sister and a brother and each of them have one child a piece.

I probably don't have the answer you want.....I am not sure we ever fully know we are done. I think the longing to be pregnant and have a baby is always there. We have four children and love it! They are so great. When they were younger it was very challenging since they are very close in age, but now they are a little bigger and I can't imagine only having 3. There are still days that I think I could have another....but then I enjoy them all being a little older and am glad the baby stage is over. But, then a few days later think about having another. So, I am not sure you ever fully know.

You could ask this question to a million people and they would all have differing views because it does vary depending on each family. You have more factors to consider besides whether you just feel like having another baby. You have to consider your health. Like me, I am high risk and I am almost 27 so you are more high risk when you near your 30s. Knowing this I am considering the possibility that I might have to stop at 3 or very soon. Also there is finances. Can you afford to live comfortably if you had another child? This is a big thing to consider. Would you want to be struggling every minute or will you be financially stable? The next thing is where are you goal wise in your life? Are you a stay at home mother who has devoted your time and energy to that or do you have a career that you want to start soon or expand? With me I have to consider that I will be going to law school soon where there will be tons of work and time needed to be successful and you have to ask yourself would another child hinder your progress or would you have enough time to devote to that next child so that they will not be neglected. These questions need to be catered around your life issues. If you analyze your answers you will know exactly what your decision should be. I have three now and I love them and they are very active and busy and there are plenty of times I feel like I want another one. I have a husband that is wants a huge family maybe 2-3 more children, but then you put these important questions in play and you will know in your heart how many children would make your family complete. But whatever you decide never have regrets. Live your life to the fullest and be content that God has blessed you with what you do have. Good luck and take care.

Wendy has some great points, and she's speaking from experience. My husband and I have 3 kids, and both of us have always thought of 4 as our ideal number. The three we have now can be overwhelming at times, but so can one child to another person. It all depends on you, your husband, and the kids you have now. I know it sounds corny, but you can tell how prepared you would be when you babysit for other kids, or when your children have a sleepover (when they are old enough, of course). I can easily manage my kids and my sister's 3 boys at the same time because we have similar parenting styles and have raised our kids much the same. Sometimes I am frustrated when I watch children whose parents are entirely more lenient and don't discipine. If you aren't 100% sure that you want to stop at 2, then just try out different things that may help you figure out for yourself. You will know the personalities of your kids as they get older and would be the best judge of how they would also adapt to more siblings. It isn't a decision that can be made in a few minutes, or even a few days. It takes a lot of consideration. Consider how well you could financially handle more kids. It shouldn't be the sole reason to decide on, but it is a big aspect, as you already know.
On another note, your husband is right about the "middle child syndrome". With an odd number of kids, someone is always left out. I see that a lot with my son, who is our middle child. My parents had 2 girls and 2 boys, and I loved growing up in a big family. I was the third child, and I never had the feeling of being left out, because there was always someone there for me.
Only you and your famiy can decide what is the right number of kids for you. Don't let anyone pressure you into having more if you aren't certain you really want to, and don't decide against it just because someone else said you shouldn't. Whatever choice you make wil be the right one. Good luck to you!

I know I'm not done. We have 1 child, nearly 2 years, and we're planning on getting pregnant after he turns two so we put almost 3 years between. My husband is from a family of 4, and there is a middle child syndrom there too! His second brother very much is the "middle child" even though there were two born afterward. Granted, they're twins, but one is disabled and would be considered "youngest" because of the extra care needed from the time he was 8. I have a friend who is pregnant with number four and has a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds, and she is having another boy, and she says if she had the money she'd have two or three more. I think its one of those things you know when it happens. Its a feeling you get when you stop longing for another baby. My friend has two and miscarried one, and she babysits for me, and can't wait till I have another because she "knows" she's done with babies. I don't know because I haven't hit that point yet. Good luck!