Help!!my 4Yr Old Daughter Mouths Off

You should be alamed. Since you have other children, what do they think about her behavior? Has it been discussed?
1. Do you talk with all of them about what is appropriate and what is not?
2. Do you reward and compliment GOOD behavior? Thanks them and tell them how much you appreciate it.
3. Do you talk about how things could better be handled?
4. Do you allow the others to participate in things without her when she has to suffer the consequences of her poor behavior? She shouldn't be allowed to......if she is...then what's the difference between good and bad behavior? No consequences for the poor behavior??? These things NEED to be discussed! They are NOT too young! As a former pre-school teacher...trust me......they KNOW!

i have a 5 yr old who acts the same way (girl)
she only does this when she is mad at me. other times she can be really sweet and wants to cuddle...
when she is in a good mood and wants to be all lovey with me i sometimes let her know how much it hurts my heart that she says those things to me!! how I LOVE HER very much no matter what she does or says... I ask her if next time could you pleas just tell me how MAD you are, and not say that she hates me, or that i am stupid. I have never been mean back to her, as then she will be getting the reaction that she is tring to get from me, to make me as mad as her.
so my advice to you would be to NOT respond to her in a negative way at all! mo more punishments as they aren't working anyway and they only make her MORE mad at you!
she is tring to assert her independance from you and she feels out of control of her environment because we as parents restrict them to keep them safe.
when she is in a good mood tell her how you feel when she talks to you that way! ask her how she would feel if you talked to her that way. Promise her that you will always love her, and that you would NEVER even think about telling her that you hate her (if you already have, appoligize and promise that you never will again.)

my tactics don't work immediatly... they are in the habit of getting mad and saying these things, but if you stick to it you should see improvement.

if you are into reading, i hear that the book "unconditional parenting" is really good (i haven't read it)

p.s. (in response to the response below mine)
how would you feel as an adult if you were in the following situation?
you are at work, and you ask your boss for something that seems completly reasonable to you! but your boss thinks that it would be a bad idea and sends you on your way. You start getting really upset because you don't think it really has any impact on anything but yourself , and that you will be uncomfortable, or suffer from the decision that your boss just passed down.
you go back to talk to him and you are noticibly upset.
he smacks you and locks you in your office and says that you shouldn't act that way!
how would you feel if he said " go compose your self and come back when you can talk to me politly" when you come back he tells you exactly why he made the decision he did...

in the real world you would have gotten fired! LOL
but from the scenerio i gave put your self in your child's position where they understand very little of the world, and how it works... they are learning and need to be taught. this is not spoiling, or non-discipline , it is being a RESPECTFUL PARENT
if you teach your child now how to respond, then as an adult they will have LESS anger issues. if you respond with voilence, and just shutting them up, then they will just learn that they can't talk to you because you "don't understand" or you don't listen to them.

Hi E.,
First of all, you have gotten a lot of responses here and some of them are quite different. All I can say about the post from Beth is -- oh, boy. How can anyone believe that punishing your children is wrong? That is called parenting. Parenting is not a glorious peaches and cream job. Every child is going to be bad at times and as a parent it is your duty to teach them right from wrong! That includes teaching consequences for their actions! You say your daughter knows that you mean business. No she doesn't, or she wouldn't act this way. TEACH her you mean business. Spank her little mouth when she says hateful things to you. Confine her to her bedroom with nothing in it but her bed and some blankets when she acts out against you and your family. You are the authority figure here, not her. She needs to repect you and, yes, even fear you a little. How do you think she is going to act towards other adults as she grows older? You say she is good at school, but that could change as she gets older and gains more attitude. And you definitely need to get your husband on board. Again referring the other post, how on earth is it good to have only one parent responsible for all of the discipline? You are a united team and your children need to know it! They will play you against each other and put stress on your marriage. She is the only girl with three brothers so she is trying to exert a little muscle -- but you need to teach her the limits to that exertion. Teach her that whatever she does she needs to watch her mouth and be respectful to all others. Same for your other children. And obviously, any time you punish her follow up with resolution time. Make her apologize to whomever she was rude to and then praise her for her apologies. Reassure her you love her always, but will not stand for this type of behavior again. She is only four years old, so hopefully you can nip this behavior in the bud now and send her down a better path. You have your hands full! Good luck!

As addition to the poster after me:
How can you think these two scenarios are anything alike? E. is dealing with a 4 year old girl who in her words "thinks she is 15" Your scenario involves two mature adults. There is a world of difference between a child who is nothing but disrespectful to her parents and an employee who is having a discussion with an employer. Our ideas of discipline are obviously very different, and that is fine. But please, don't compare reasoning with a very young child with reasoning with an adult. Have a great weekend.

The mouthing off and disrespect is pretty normal at this stage. She is testing to see what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Have a talk with her when everyone is calm. Explain in a matter of fact way that back talk and disrespect is not acceptable. Then tell her exactly what type of behavior is expected. Not because you're the boss, but because that is the right way for people to treat each other. She needs to learn that there is a specific consequence for a specific behavior. Explain the consequences to her. Then tell her exactly what will happen when she behaves inappropriately. My son (who is five) really likes playing video games on the weekend, so losing that privilege works. He gets a warning when is behaving in an unacceptable way. If he doesn't stop, he gets a mark on the calendar. If he gets five marks in a week, he doesn't get to play video games on the weekend. You might need a more immediate consequence. You'll have to decide what consequences work best in your situation. It's just as important to acknowledge good behavior. I make a point of telling him is doing a good job, and I thank him for his good behavior. Consistency is the key. You must follow through every time. When you don't, she will get confused and frustrated, and not learn for sure what the rules are. It would best if your husband would come on board. But if not, just make sure you are consistent.

Watch your own behavior carefully and make sure you are not being disrespectful to her. If she needs your attention, acknowledge her request right away. I don’t mean jump when she says jump. If you can’t, or don’t want to do what she is asking, at least acknowledge her need right away, and then explain why you cannot do what she wants at the moment. Don’t get into an argument even if she tries. Tell her you have already explained it to her, and then quit talking. My son will argue until the cows come home, but only if I am a willing participant. If I don’t argue, then he is just talking to himself. He eventually gives up, and learns that badgering me doesn’t work.

Sometimes we get so busy that we don’t realize we are treating our kids disrespectfully by not being attentive to their requests. I know I can fall into that pattern when I’m in a hurry. I sometimes forget my son is just a little guy and needs more time to get ready, or gets tired and hungry more often than I do. I constantly try and check myself when a situation is getting out of hand to see how I might be adding to his frustration, which leads to his contrary behavior.

Don’t take any of it personally, or feel like your daughter is headed toward delinquency. Kids are always in a state of trying to learn the rules of life. It is up to us as parents to stay calm, not get emotionally thrown off balance, and just keep teaching.

PS-My son acts totally different at school and at grandma's. It seems to be me he is testing most of the time. I am the one who spends the most time with him, so that makes sense.

E.,
I am the mother of a 9 year old and I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I went through it but we did not stand for any of that. My advice, and something that worked for us, pick something that she absolutely LOVES (a doll, a video, a something that is very Important to her) every time, and I mean EVERY TIME she mouths off, take it away and not just for the day a week or so. When make her sit down on her bottom in the corner, (don't sit with her, just watch from around the corner and set a timer for 10 mins. and if she asks to get up tell her that you are going to start the timer over, and DO IT if she does) If you do this CONSISTANTLY she will stop. My husband is or was a Marine. A Senior Drill Instructor, before he retired and he is very instrumental in coming up with Consistant discipline that let's them know that it isn't OUR fault they decide to be rude and mouth off, it is their CHOICE, and a bad one at that. My daughter now will have DRAMA from time to time but she know not to go down that road or friends, cheer, clothes, American Girl Dolls and such are outa-here! And for a very social 9 year old that hurts. You will probably have a lot of crying, but remember it only takes about 1 week of super consistant discipline and you will have your sweet mouthed little girl back. And too, make her apologize when she is done with her time out to whoever she smarted off too. That is a good end on a positive from such negative behavior. Also, when I start giving the items back, I wait until she is doing something very nice for someone or says something nice to me or my husband. Positive re-enforcement!
Hope this helps, I know each child is different, but it worked for our smart-mouthed, I am the boss, red head.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
R. G.

Dear E.,

Girl, do I feel your pain. I also have a daughter who will be turning 4 in April who learns all the bad habits of my 7-year old son. What my husband and I do is put our daughter in time out, but not sitting. Standing in the corner with her nose touching the wall for 3 minutes (since she is 3 years old. She'll do it for 4 minutes when she turns 4 and so on). Seems simple, but we have found that it's not only the actual punishment but the repetitiveness and enforcement of the punishment. Warn your daughter of the punishment and if she continues with the "mouthing off", enforce the punishment. If you have to, stand there and make sure she isn't "horsing around" during the punishment. After the punishment is over, talk to your daughter and make her understand what she did was wrong and why it's wrong. Especially is she is calling people stupid idiot or other names. Explain that it hurts your feelings and she wouldn't like it if someone else called her those same names. And if the brother is also going around saying these same things, even if it's not as often, then he needs to be punished as well. After all, you can't let one person get away with things and not let the other get away with it. If your daughter sees that your son is getting away with things, then she'll try to do the same.

The other issue is getting your husband "on board" as well. Even if he's not there all the time, he needs to be in agreement and follow the same guidelines. Otherwise, your daughter will continue with the same behaviour. Agree together on a punishment and agree to both stick to the enforcing of the punishment.

This may take a few times to get the message through. It did with my daughter. But we are finding that we are not having to punish her that much anymore and the hurtful name calling has nearly stopped. They are kids so getting in trouble is inevitable. But you'll find that it isn't as much when they know what the punishment is and that it will be strictly enforced.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that this advice helps even just a little.

Hi,
I didn't read all of the responses, but thought I'd throw this out as an idea. Use Hot sauce on the tongue...if she can say "hot" stuff and "burn" people's feelings/emotions/etc. with her words, then let her tongue feel the burn. Maybe it'll connect in her mind that words are dangerous. Maybe she'll think before starting to talk like that again.

I have a 6 yr. old that used to like saying similar things. We did the hot sauce ONCE...now just the threat causes him to rethink his reaction. LOL

-A.

E., all I can say is that you teach her how to treat you. Let her know that her behavior is disrespectful and is not acceptable. I have gone thru this with my boys (I'm sure girls are worse!), while I know it is just a stage, you've got to break it before it gets worse. With my boys I would take a prize toy/posession away each time they were disrespectful and they had to earn them back one by one with each good day of behavior. With my oldest I had to go as far as taking EVERY toy out of his room and letting him earn them back. Might work for your 7 year old as well. At our house there are certian words that are not used, I'm pretty sure if my boys called me a stupid idiot their bums would be sore and they'd be looking at a bare room with a bed and dressers all day. Remember you are teaching them how to respond to authority. What do you think would happen if they someday call thier boss a stupid idiot!

E.,

A little background: When my oldest daughter was a toddler she was in daycare all day. I expected her to be happy to see me when I arrived to pick her up after a long day, but instead she SCREAMED. It broke my heart, but then I read something that helped me understand her emotions. She was on her best behavior all day long, so when she saw me (her mommy...her safe haven), she let her guard down and would cry to relieve some stress.

It sounds like your daughter is also on her best behavior at preschool, and she may also be relieving some stress by acting out. She just needs to find a more constructive way to unwind, and that's where you can help. After preschool, take a few minutes to completely focus on her. Turn off the TV, give her hugs and love, and tell her that you missed her. Ask her about her day, read a story together, make some chocolate milk...whatever she enjoys. Create a new routine that helps her relax.

Incidentally, I don't think we outgrow the need to unwind after a long day, so it's important that we teach our kids a constructive way to do this.

Hi, E.,
You're in for a real ride if you don't get this stopped NOW. You already said the 7 yr. old does it, so you have to start there. It's not fair to discipline one without the other. The younger ones always mimic the older ones, and you have another one coming up on their heels. YOU WILL BE OVERWHELMED WITH DISRESPECT IF YOU DON'T ADDRESS THIS.
#1) (The hardest part) is NOT to get provoked and angry. Keep your calm and speak peacefully, RESPECTFULLY, but firmly.
#2) Establish uniform rules for EVERYONE in the family about how to speak RESPECTFULLY to all. You may find there is more of this kind of talk going on than just with your 4 yr. old.
#3) Stop your child in the middle of the act and tell her something like "We are going to go back to the beginning of this conversation and re-do it respectfully." Then repeat an example of HOW the thought could be communicated RESPECTFULLY (unless the very essence of the thought is to BE disrespectful about someone/something- Then the old stand-by is "If you can't say something NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING at all.")
#4) BE CONSISTENT with every instant of disrespectful talk, whether it is 7 yr. old brother or you or Dad...
I'm mother of 6 and have become very strict about this, nipping it in the bud early, because I've seen the outcome when it isn't. You'll find that everyone will live in more peace and harmony at home if you do this.

Try vinegar instead of soap. It isn't toxic but tastes nasty. A teacher I know tried that with her kids they hate it. Also, she losses something she loves to play with. Give the same treatment to your son if he tries it. Sit all your children down and make it clear to them that hate and stupid are unacceptable words and they aren't to be used in your house.
Let them know what will happen if these words are used. Stay firm and make sure you and your husband don't get mouthy with each other in front of the kids or they will continue to have the bad behavior. I am sure you probably don't speak mean to each other but just in case you are fighting about something remember they follow your lead.

I have found great advice and examples in a book called Creative Correction. It is by Lisa Welchel (Blair from Facts of Life). She is AWESOME at coming up with so many different ways to correct and discipline children. What is great is that she openly admits that her book is written because of her failures. She had tried everything she could think of to discipline and deal with her son, Tucker, and not one "traditional" method would work on him!!! I highly recommend getting her book(s). She is a great author, speaker and mom. She is down to earth and can really relate to everyday issues and has a TON of different strategies to help us (and our kids) deal with discipline.

Wow- lots of anger in these responses. I can only give you my own humble opinions, as everyone (obviously) has different views on parenting. As a mother of a 4 year old girl, and a teacher, I believe very strongly that spanking, hitting, soap, vinegar and the like should not be used in any way, shape or form. Consistency is the most important thing when it comes to discipline. I agree most with Donna Jean (I think that was her name)- so I would go back and read what she had to say. You not only have to be consistent with your daughter- everyday, every time she talks back, but also with your other children. Do not accept the kind of talk you are referring to (stupid, hate) from any of your children. Also be careful that you and your husband don't use those kind of words as well. My daughter will correct other people when she hears those words. Not that they don't still come out of her mouth sometimes. You've got to get your husband on board too... he's got to be consistent too- if you are always the bad guy, I think you'll find that she tests you more... he needs to be the bad guy sometimes too. We all go through it at some time- some more than others. Be sure to keep giving her individual attention and really reward the good days, and when she talks to you politely. Rewarding the good behavior will work wonders for you. Just know that yours is not the only 4 year old little girl who talks back- the behavior can be turned around. Good Luck!

Dear E.,
I would say that it is time to act!
There must be Zero Tolerance for such behavior from either child.
It is necessary to find out what they really like ( what privileges, what games, what "things" etc.) so that each time they disrespect you something is taken away, and not returned until say, 24 hours have passed with NO infractions.
You must be consistent with this, and I would make this a Family Rule, so that all are aware of it.
If this is not addressed NOW, you will be a mental case in 5 years!
Explain how you will NOT have this in your family, and, despite what they may see on TV or with their friends, it is NOT the appropriate behavior for your family.
I would take the time to point out to them, when you are watching TV together, inappropriate and disrespectful behavior on the part of child characters on TV shows.
Be strong, E.!
Parenting is a tough job, but so rewarding when your children are kind and caring adults.
I hope this helps you.

E.,

You are on the right track. Hit them where it hurts, time outs and lose of privilages. It is of utmost importance that they learn at a young age that this behavior is unappropriate and wont be tolerated. If you don't get a handle on it now I hate to think what the lies ahead for you in their teenage years. I am sorry that you don't get more support from your husband. I believe it is very important for parents to be on the same page when it comes to decipline or your children will take advantage of that. They are smart and pick up on that quickly. Good luck. Stay strong. Remember we can't aford to be their friend now. You can do that later when they are grown.

What ever you do don't reward her for her behavior and one on one with her will worsen the problem if not create another one. Try a Q-tip dipped in Listerin and cover that child's toungue when she talks like that. Even if you have to hold her down to do it. MAKE her understand you will not tolerate it and will go to extra messures to punish her for it. Exclude her from tv, toys, friends, even family time if it is a big problem. If she can't behave and be nice no one wants to hear her mouth. She will get tired of being alone and settle down. If she does not then you better find a good child counciler because you have a HUGE problem. Luck to you.

Hey E., I have something that might help not only your daughter learn expectations of her behavior, but also save your sanity when it comes to dealing with her outbursts. When my daughter was 3, she started disrespecting me also. I put an end to it right away by making a "Discipline Chart". Everytime she did something that was against my rules, I walked her over to the chart and said "You talked badly to mommy, now you will lose a toy" and I would go back to her room and take away a toy. I had about 5 different actions on the chart that required disciplinary actions. It worked beautifully! I think what worked the most is that I wasn't losing my cool with her, and she learned through consistency. I'm not joking that it was a matter of days before she learned to NOT do the things on the list. If a child is able to predict the consequences of their actions, they will also learn to make better choices. Your daughter needs to learn that when she mouths off to you, _______ happens. Not just sometimes, EVERYTIME.

Parenting is a TEAM -- -- participation, mom and dad together. I do have a few questions as to why your daugther thinks she can speak to you this way. Do you talk to her with respect? Do you let her know she is important and that what she feels is important? Does your husband talk to you like she does? She is learning this from some where. If not at home then at school and I think I would make a change in that situation TODAY! She will only do what she is allowed to do. Treat her with respect and love and kindness and set your boundries as to how she is allowed to talk to you. Put you hand up and say to her, Please don't disrepect me in that tone of voice or whatever way she is speaking. Call her out on it immediately. Stop her immediately. No matter where you are. Don't raise you voice, just stop her -- -- and if need be -- -- send her to her room until she can speak to you with respect. It's all about love. Show her love and in return she will show it to you. And tell dad to wake up and start supporting you with how to change her behavior. It won't be long before she starts talking to everyone like that. One more thing, don't slap, put soap in her mouth, or anything like vingar. This is just being mean back. If you can't show her love through gentle ways then maybe you all might consider family conseling.

We had guardianship of my two cousind for five years. During that time the eldest, which is a girl was 4 1/2 - 9 1/2 years old. Toward the end, maybe 8 yrs, she started having issues like your talking about. Never said I hate you to ANYONE or called us names(to our face anyway), but she had an attitude that you could tell she was thinking them. It got so bad that we finally stripped, and I do mean stripped her room of EVERYTHING. Every day she was nice to everyone in the house, she got to receive something back. (Our choice of what it was) Every day she was NOT, we took one thing away that she had received back. It took awhile for her to receive her things, and at the end she was doing so well, that she got a "lump sum" of the rest of her things. To me, respect for others is a biggie.

I have a friend who had a son that was about 4 when he started that too. His dad also worked a lot (gone before the kids woke up, and home usually after they were in bed). It turned out it was attention from Daddy that he was wanting. My friend was a stay-at-home mom, so he too got plenty of attention from her. When he acted like this with her or his sister, my friend would tell his dad. Then on the weekend when he was home (and the children were awake), he would talk to him about it. He ended up quitting that job (for other reasons) and was now home in the evenings. Their son made an amazing turn-around. They didn't know that was the problem until then. Unfortunately, he was asked to leave his preschool because of his behavior, and when he started school, he had at least 4 F's on each report card for 1 1/2 years. Now he has no Fs, and she said he even had A's and B's on the last one. I don't know if this helps or not, but it was the problem (and solution) for them.