Words to Say

I miscarried my first pregnancy after trying to get pregnant for 2 years. It was absolutely devastating and I just cried all the time. One of the nicest things done was a delivery of flowers with the note..."Thinking of you." It really meant a lot to know others were thinking about me and cared how I was feeling. It also gave me the chance to choose how and when to respond back. I wasn't in the mood to call or email anyone, so I just wrote a quick thank-you. I still have that card because it just meant so much to me.

I think that was the biggest thing for me...just knowing others cared. I didn't want to really talk about it with anyone, but I knew my friends were there ready for me when I was. Hope this helps.

If it were me I would be honest and say what you just said - that you know you can not understand what she is feeling and that you don't know the right words but that you love her and would do anything for her. I think that is all you can say. Just let her know that you are there for her.

Tell her you have no idea what it feels like to have such a loss. There is no way you could ever know her pain. That whatever she needs you are there for her even if that means space. And most importantly that you love her.

I am so sorry for your friends loss. I have a dear friend from church that has experienced miscarriage and out of her loss has created a ministy - Angels in Heaven. She has litle keepsake memorials, books that help those that are grieving as well as those that are supporting the grieving couples. She will personally minister to those hurting if desired. Her website is www.angelsinheaven.org. Her name is Debbie Heydrick. Good Luck to you!

I agree with the others...

Validate her feelings instead of trying to explain them away or offer advice. You don't have to 'understand' what she's going through, but you can certainly feel her pain and it's OK to tell her that. Just knowing that I had a friend who was hurting because *I* hurt made a big difference.

Empathy...

When I had a miscarriage I just wanted to be left alone, but did appreciate cards people sent. I agree with one other mom on what NOT to say -- "there will be another time" or "you'll have another." It was a baby that I'd lost, not a pair of shoes. And certainly don't ask why it happened. I don't know why people feel the need to ask that, but when you're in the midst of it a) you're already beating yourself up over whether you did something to cause it, and b) you really, really don't want to talk about it.
Miscarriage is a lonely loss because your husband and friends (unless they've been through it) don't feel the loss the way you do. The baby wasn't really "real" to anyone but you.
Give her some space, send a card. Call her in a few days and check on her, but don't pester her. Maybe you could offer to mow the lawn or drop off dinner one day.

All of the advice given has been absolutely wonderful. The only thing I would like to add or emphasize is: be there for the long haul. She will be thinking about this baby as the holidays approach. A year from now she will be thinking about the baby's birthday. My best friend's 15 year old son died last summer and we are just now emerging from the shock and figuring out how to truly live without him and manage the pain. I'm sure her experience and grief will be similar. Not the same by any means, but only similar in that there was a death loss. I'll ya'll in my prayers.

My daughter had a miscarriage a few years back. Out of all the best intented responses (which some were so inappropriate), a heartfelt "I'm so sorry" was well received. Though it may have been God's plan, at that point she was not receptive. She's a Christian but she was just to sorrowful to deal with the do-gooders at that time.

Having been through 5 miscarriages and even lost a daughter half way through one pregnancy, it's hard to say how to respond other than to follow her lead. Acknowledge her loss and offer any kind of help that she may need, but to be honest with you, it's something she has to work through herself. If she doesn't seem to recover you may then need to offer some advise on getting some professional help.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I had a miscarriage about 6 yrs ago and was right at 4 mos. I also have a very good friend that has had a miscarriage recently. I know that I felt, (and in talking to my friend, she agreed)that we just needed someone to listen. We didn't want other people sharing their experiences at that time. We needed our own time to grieve. And we needed to know that someone would just listen to us, and not always try to offer solutions or opinions. So, just be there for your friend. Offer lots of hugs, but don't worry that you don't know what to say to her to comfort her. You can even tell her that. Tell her I'm so sorry, and I just don't know what to say, but I can give you all the hugs you need and be there to listen if you need. You sound like a very good friend.

That's so nice of you to be so considerate as to prepare yourself beforehand... I'm currently experiencing a miscarriage (still waiting to hear if I need a D&C, wondering if it's over yet, and going on two weeks since the initial bomb was dropped on me with the call from the dr.'s office), and I agree with all of the responses that suggest to validate your friend's loss. It IS a loss, and she is experiencing it in a way that no one else knows. (The father is, too, but even my husband has admitted to not knowing EXACTLY what I'm going through, since he wasn't the one carrying the baby.) Since I haven't gone through this before, and I'm even "learning as I go" how I'm dealing with it (some days are definitely harder than others as my hormones are still fluctuating), I want to say that I do appreciate everyone's concern about me...even if they've said something that was less than comforting. I know that they're just trying to help in their own way, kind of with that "keep your chin up" mentality. However, although I'm usually an upbeat kind of person, I'm just not ready to hear those kinds of comments yet. (For example, "Everything happens for a reason," "God has a purpose in everything," "I had a miscarriage and then had two healthy babies," "My best advice is to get over it and get on with your life" - I heard that one four days ago! - "This too shall pass, and you'll get pregnant again in no time,"...those stand out the most.) It minimizes what I'm going through, almost as though it doesn't bear enough importance to dwell on. I really appreciated it when one of my best friends just listened to me tell her about it, and VALIDATED my loss by saying, "You ARE allowed to grieve, and you NEED to just give yourself some guilt-free time where you owe no apologies if you don't feel like being nice, or cleaning your house, or cooking dinner, (etc.)" It was the first comment that made me feel "normal" for "taking it hard." I'm a Christian, too, and although it is comforting to know that God's hand controls this situation, and that there is a purpose in it...it's going to take time to feel completely at peace knowing that I may not ever KNOW what the purpose is while I'm on this earth, and to accept that. And I know I'm just going to have to "get to that peaceful place" in time and through prayer, but nothing anyone can say to me right now is going to "get me there" any faster. So, just let your friend know that you're sorry, let her tell you about it (when she's ready), and just listen...or just cry with her, if that's all you can offer at the time. I'm sorry for your friend, because I can honestly say I think I might know what she's going through...even though everybody who goes through it handles it differently.

L.,

I am sorry for your friends loss. The others all had fantastic advice. The only thing I would add is maybe offer to take her family a dinner? During this time of mourning it may be difficult for her to focus or even want to cook.

D.

"I love you, I'm here for you, here's a hug." Just realize that she is grieving and will come through it in her own time. The grief process takes tears and the ability to talk when the person wants to. Just be kind and check on her since she may not have the energy to reach out to you.

I know whereof I speak, unfortunately. Click here for more info: www.michelecurtin.networkmarketingcentral.com

M.
www.GoodHealthMadeSimple.com

I have never miscarried, but have been through years of infertility before being blessed with children through adoption. Give her a chance to talk about it if she wants to-- just listen-- there is not much you can say other than how sorry you are. No words like, "you will have a baby some day" because you don't know that, and it still does not replace the hurt of this loss. I think most people don't know what to say, so they stay away or avoid the situation. Let her know how much you care.

Here is a website that might bring her comfort. It is a Christian support website that offers comfort to those experiencing the loss of a child from infertility to the death of a child:
http://www.hannah.org/

I am sorry for your friend's loss,
A.

Hi, L., I just had a miscarriage 3 months ago, so I wanted to tell you what NOT to say. I hated it when people would ask "Do they know what was wrong with the baby?" I know it seems like commonsense to not ask this, but A LOT of people did. Also, don't tell her it was for the better (it was God's plan, there could've been genetic problems, etc.). While I'm a Christian and am fully aware that there is a reason for everything,, I didn't want to hear that at the time. It was still my baby and I would've loved him/her, even if there were genetic problems. Any way, my best advice is just to tell her you're sorry and offer an ear. I just wanted to talk about it, but most people shy away from the subject because they didn't want me to get upset. It really helps to talk and cry about it, though. You're an awesome friend for wanting to be there for her during this time. My husband and son (plus an online miscarriage support group) have really helped me a lot these last few months.
J.

send her a card that says something very simple such as: "If you want to talk or just need a hug, I'm here for you."

when I miscarried, I just wanted to be alone, but I did appreciate the cards that my friends sent. It was really nice just to know that they were thinking of me.

Right now, no words are going to help her feel better. I had a missed-misscarriage durring my second trimester a year and a half ago and it seems as though after the memorial, everyone forgot about my baby girl. Right now actions speak louder than words. Be there for her, hug her and pray for her. In the weeks and months to come. Let her know that you are still thinking of her and her precious baby. That will mean the world to her. Because no mother wants her child to be forgotten about. right? Don't forget the dads if he was involved. Let him know too that you will be thinking of him and praying for him as well. I will say a prayer for this family, too. ((hugs)) You are a good friend for trying to help her feel better.

Also, you never seem to completly "recover" from a loss. You do learn to deal with it better but she will never be "over it". There is an awesome support group called M.E.N.D. that maybe you can look into and offer her some info on it in case she wants to attend. They really helped me and my husband. I think they are in alot of states but not all of them. Might be worth looking into though : )

L.,
you are so thoughtful to ask for advice on this matter. I lost our son at 26 weeks and while struggling with my own loss I felt as though I needed to comfort our friends and family too. one piece of advice I do have is that you do not allow your friend to minimalize her child - regardless of how far along she was. children are a gift and they are hard to lose regardless of age. my husband wrote our son a "love letter" that was so beautiful and heartfelt, I would be happy to share it with you if you'd like to pass it along to her. it has been a wonderful ministry opportunity for our family. writing down her feelings in that way may be very helpful to her healing when she is ready.
take care,
D.

I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and there are not right words to say. I really appreciated it when people would just say I am sorry for your loss if you need anything please let me know and also if you want to talk about it I will listen. That was the best reponse in the world to me. I have also had numerous amount of friends who have suffered the same loss we started to put together baskets with their favorite snacks and magazines drop it by. They all loved it. I hope this helps. I know how hard this can be just knowing you thinking of her will really help her.

Hi L.. My husband and I lost twins at 7 months pregnant in 2001...3 days before 9/11 and we were in NJ at the time. It was the worst thing to go through. We were lucky and had lots of family and friends come and visit in the hospital to show their support and love. There is one thing I remember hearing that was what I really wanted/needed to hear. My friend sat beside me and just started crying and said: It just sucks! I wish I could take your pain away. She didn't try and make me feel better by saying the typical sayings. She didn't try and see the good out of it. She was just there for me. Everyone is different, but that was way better than what everyone else was saying. Maybe it's better this way, God's plan (and I'm a Christian and believe he does have a plan for us, but it's not something you want to hear), You'll have other children, etc. I do hope this helps. And I am so very sorry for your friend's loss...it is very hard. But I do promise that time does make it easier. You don't forget, not for a single day, but it makes it more bearable. At least most days.

Again, I'm sorry for the loss...good luck!!

T.

I just went through something very similar with a friend of ours who had a miscarriage at 21 weeks. Here's what she says the best thing to say is: I'm very sorry for your loss, and I don't know what else to say. I know nothing I can say will make it better.

Basically, let her know you're there for her, that you're sorry for the loss, and then stop. She's going to go through a lot of things in the next while. Sadness, loss, anger - but you don't know where she's at.

I think acknowledging her loss is a good thing to do. Something as simples as "i'm sorry for your loss" is sufficient. It's ok to say that you just can't imagine what she's going through but you know it must hurt and that you're there for her. There's no need to elaborate on it further. Don't say things like "well it's for the better" or "there must have been something wrong with the baby so you're better off." My niece recently lost twins at the beginning of the second trimester and people said those kind of things all the time if you can believe it. What was also hurtful for her was that some friends just didn't talk about it or didn't talk to her. Also, few offered her husband comfort so remember him too. Maybe you could take them a meal. I think just being there to talk to and for her to know that is a lot of comfort.

L.,
I have some experience in this area since I've had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. I can tell you the worse thing that you can do is to ignore the situation. Your friend is probably feeling confused as to why this happened to her and grief-stricken that it did happen. I really thanked those who had sent me a sympathy card and those who were just there for me. It may be hard for her to be around children, especially babies right now so be aware of that. Just tell her that you are there for her when she wants to talk. It might be tommorrow or months from now, but just knowing that she has a friend out there whom she can talk to about this will help her.
S.

I think the fact that you are asking for suggestions first is so incredibly thoughtful of you! My first and third pregnancies were both miscarriages. Some of the most thoughtful sentiments I received was just when friends or family would keep it simple, even saying something as simple as "I'm thinking of you in your time of loss." I got a LOT of comments like "oh well this happened because something went wrong and the baby would probably not have been able to survive anyway" and that does NOT help. I even got a comment from one of my grandmothers (who tends to be a bit insensitive anyway) if the miscarriage may have been my fault because I had travelled the week before it happened. But, based on the sensitivity that you displayed by asking for advice in the first place, I doubt you would ever imply that it could have been your friend's 'fault'. Anyone who miscarries knows that "something went wrong", but it's just hard to understand why...and sometimes there IS no why. My first miscarriage was at 11 weeks (we had even had an ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat and everything), but the second miscarriage was at 6 weeks. With the second miscarriage, I got a lot of comments of "oh it was probably just a chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage at that stage is common". A friend of mine who miscarried at roughly the same time was actually criticized by her OB for the fact that women tend to find out that they're pregnant so early these days, because apparently quite a lot of pregnancies don't make it past 6 weeks, but before pregnancy tests became so sensitive, they would just think it was a late period. The bottom line is, it doesnt MATTER if the miscarriage happened 'early' on; a woman should NEVER be criticized for finding out 'too soon', and that certainly doesn't make the pregnancy any less real to her.

One other thing is that you may want to simply ask your friend if she wants to talk about it, and let her talk about what the experience was like. Obviously, she may not want to or may not be ready to yet, but when I was ready to really share, a good friend of mine gave me the opportunity to just tell her what the full experience was like, and she just listened and then hugged me at the end. I felt really cleansed afterwards. However, I do always remember the dates that the miscarriages occur. And, there are also mixed emotions sometimes when you miscarry and then have children later. For instance, if I had NOT miscarried, then I wouldn't have my two precious daughters, whom I love more than anything. So that can create some confusing emotions as well that you may want to let her talk about in the future.

Ooooh I've rambled on too long. Sorry! Thanks for your question!

I can tell a few things to not say for starters.......You can try again, Mabye it wasn't meant to be,or...there may have been something wrong.When I had a co-worker that lost her baby to a still birth she carried a photo of her deceased baby and wanted to show it to everyone.My advise would be to simply aknoweledge her loss and follow her lead. The worst thing to do is to try and avoid her OR the subject thinking that's best.Inquire about her feelings, let her know you are there for her if she needs a shoulder. Most people will avoid it all and that is what really hurts, just let her know that you are concerned for her and take her to lunch or a movie.Good luck and you are a good friend for thinking of her in this devastating time.N.

The best thing you can do is be there and be supportive. Don't tell her that there will be another or that you understand. There will be plenty of other well meaning people who will, not understanding the intensity of her pain, tell her that. Just tell her you are sorry, you know that she hurts and ask her if she wants to talk. Healing from a miscarriage is a long process. She is lucky to have a friend like you.