Help Finding Patience as a SAHM

Finding patience as a SAHM...
I thought I found it under the couch WAY back behind a large dust bunny, but alas, I could not grab it and it stays JUST beyond my reach at all times.
Hang in there, you're not alone.

Things that I try to remember (and it's hard)

1. He (in your case she) is doing the best she can for who he is right now -not who he will be tomorrow or in 10 years or who I want him to be, it is who he is today.

2. He is not being defiant. He is testing boundaries and learning coping skills - how to deal with frustration, how to negotiate and how to stand his ground - these are skills that will serve him well in life (although they may be a great impediment to getting to the park on time this morning).

3. My goal is NOT to have an obedient, unquestioning child. My goal is to raise a thoughtful, questioning, empathetic adult who will be a full participant in civil society.

4. Count to 5 (or 10). I try to stop and think about what is about to come out of my mouth before it does. And DS can wait a few seconds while I decide what to say.

5. I try to consider DS's message and delivery separately. Meaning - is what he is asking for/saying reasonable? Or do I want to yell no because it is delivered as a loud whine. If the message is ok, I just rephrase or ask him to restate it a better way .

6. Quiet time (or nap time if they still nap) is a lifesaver.

(Disclosure - I am not a SAHM).

make sure you are getting some time for yourself, by hook or by crook. it's hard to be patient when you are strung out from the endless demands of SAHM-ing.
keep in mind that kids learn what we do, not what we say. 'defiance and sudden outbursts' are a 4 year old version of 'yelling and getting mad.' model what you want her behavior to be (even though that's much easier said than done, i know.)
khairete
S.

Being a stay at home mom today is not the same as it was when I was a stay at home mom 20+ years ago. Being a stay at home mom means you don't work. It does not mean you are suddenly a 24 hour child entertainer. I read so many posts on here asking "how" to interact all the time with the little ones. Give you children love and make them behave. If she is out of line give her a time out and send her to her room lol. I know that wasn't your question. The real answer is to make sure you keep "your" life also. Take time out during the day for you. read a chapter in a grown up book. make a glass of tea because you like it. don't not make something because a little one doesn't. Don't confuse being a stay at home mom with being a 24 hour slave. It will get really hard and you will become bitter.
FYI don't accept bad behavior lovingly or not. set immediate consequences with her and impose them each and every time and she will knock it off.

Accepting her behavior more lovingly doesn't mean you are okay with it, nor should you be. My daughter is going to be 4 in August and she is one of the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful little human beings on the planet, but she also drives me bonkers most days too. Part of our job as parents is to let them know when their behavior is unacceptable and it can be really wearing when they keep having one defiant moment after another, and can't seem to just cooperate about anything. One of the things I have found is that my daughter is much more likely to act up when she is over-tired, or hungry, or hasn't had as much attention paid to her as she would like. Sometimes I will just stop everything, and make it point to play with her for a set amount of time, but then tell her that when this is done, Mommy needs to do XYZ. Sometimes XYZ is doing dishes, or cleaning the bathroom, or just having some alone time on the computer. If she is overtired, then we just try to get her down for her nap or her bedtime pronto. I've also learned that trying to stay as calm and in control as possible helps too - I can't always help yelling sometimes, but if I can remember to give her a warning, and then calmly follow through with consequences (time-out, sent to her room, etc.) I don't feel so guilty (the book "1-2-3 Magic!" by Thomas Phelan is great for this!). I really struggle sometimes with balancing being a fun parent who spends one-on-one time with her doing things like playing games and building pillow forts, and one that is still an adult who has other priorities and can't just be her playmate and servant all the time. I love this time that I have at home with her but I am also counting down the days until she is in preschool 4 mornings a week. Like I said, it's okay to let them know when they have crossed a line with their behavior - that's part of teaching them what will be expected of them when they are in the real world. And it's okay for you to need to take a time-out for yourself.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is give yourself permission for a little alone or quiet time each day. When my kids were 4 they didn't nap any more, but I still REALLY needed a little time to myself to relax, nap or get stuff done. I told them they didn't have to sleep, but they needed to play quietly in their rooms until ___ (you fill in how much time you need) and then hold them to it. My kids came to know that after lunch they had to do quiet time until 2 zero zero (2:00 on their digital clocks) which gave me just over an hour alone. I would read a book or fold laundry on the couch just outside their rooms but it really saved our relationships !!!! They are 5 and 7 now and we still do it on the weekends :) Best of luck to you all!!!

Most of the times that my kids have been driving me crazy and I find my patience at an end, when I step back and look at the situation I find that I am not doing something as a parent that I should.
If my kids are bickering constantly and I am finding myself always having to break it up from the other room, I realize I am spending too much time in the other room doing things other than interacting with them. If I put in the extra effort of sitting in between them and playing with them for a day, they both get the attention they were craving, and suddenly are able to play nicely together without me for weeks!
If my almost 3 year old is being obstinate and defiant over and over again, I stay on top of her and correct that behavior (this looks different in every house, do what works for your family) every time it occurs. Yes, this means the household chores and "me time" are constantly interrupted, but she soon gets the message, and after that all I need is a stern look for her to understand.
I still expect and look foward to their questions, and time playing and reading and discovering with them, but when their behavior isn't challenging me at every moment I am so much more patient with their natural curiosity and the messes that result :)

It's the hardest job around! I found my patience in full-time work! When I was aSAHM I found it best to get out to playgroups and music groups, parks etc. Getting out and about and an early bedtime were my saving graces. Good luck.

I have a 4 yo and a 16mo, so I know how you feel. The current Real Simple magazine has some great tips for managing stress that I've started using - two in particular:

1) Allow yourself 10 minutes to just scream your heart out and vent (this would be away from the kids, and ideally away from anyone else, though perhaps this is a good thing to do with a close friend at her house). I use the basement. Just letting it out every once in a while really helps keep the emotions in check when you need them to be.

2) When you feel like you just can't take it, log onto a charity website and make a donation. Helping someone in need will make you feel better, and it will remind you of how very lucky you are. I haven't actually done this yet, and it might be an expensive way to handle stress, but I bet just reading the stories posted at the March of Dimes or other childhood disease websites will not only keep you from yelling at your child, you'll probably want to go hug and kiss her and indulge her next ridiculous demand!!

I lose my patience a lot more when I am tired, hungry, etc. just like the kids act up more. Getting a break helps but isn't always available in the moment.

Ha I am sure you are in good company with all of us! I have a 3 1/2 year old , a nearly 5 year old and a 4 week old. :-) Life is hectic! My girls can drive me nuts too, now with constantly wanting to love up on their new brother to the point where they are all over him and I have to get annoyed to get them to leave him be...
In general, what has worked the absolute best for my hubby and I with our kids has been to totally ignore them when they act up, and a quick comment like oh you want to behave like that? OK not here with everyone else, go do that in your room or something to this effect. Also try and make sure you see if there is a certain time of day the bad behavior happens and maybe you need to give her a snack or some quiet reading or art time beforehand. I know sitting at the table doing arts and crafts really calms my kids down. Good luck!

I feel for you because I feel the same way. My husband works extremely long hours and I find that toward the end of the week, I am just exhausted and start to lose my patience (I have 3 year old and a 5 month old). The idea that some other mothers suggested of taking time for yourself is the right answer, but it often is impossible. What I do is when I get frustrated, I try to step into another room for a second to cool down. Also, when my husband is home, he puts the children to bed and handles the bath and I find that to be a huge help (so that I feel like I actually have a break, too). I hope that helps you. I will also be checking back to see how other mom's handle it. Good luck!

I am in the same boat. Mine are 4 and 5 and they can drive me up the wall. I'll definately check back in to see what kind of responses you get. :)