My friend down the street is getting divorced. Her daughter and mine play together nearly every afternoon (her dd is 4 years, mine is 3). Both of the parents have moved out of the house and have been coming and going lately to move things out, but my friend is still living there part of the time while they sell the house. Anyway, my dd has started asking questions. Where is her friend? Why can't they play? Sometimes she's home, but it's not appropriate to go over. My dd sees her friend home, but doesn't understand why she can't just go over and play. I need a little advice explaining the sitution in 3 year old terms. I'm a child of divorce myself, and my dad is no longer in the picture. I was going to talk to her someday, but it seems like something needs to be said now, if only just a little bit. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!
What great advice! I knew I could count on you wonderful women! I know I should keep it simple, but really needed some help on how to approach it. Thanks a million :) We have asked her friend over to play a couple times. Unfortunately, a few of the times when the dad was home was "his time" with the kids. But, we will continue to ask :) I'll also recommend the parenting course to my friend. She's a young mom (she's 24 with 3 kids) and I know she could use any extra help she could get. In the coming years I know I will have to explain some tough issues to my daughters, and it's good to know I can turn to all of you to help with the steps along the way.
Since she is just 3, she is just asking why she can't play with her friend. (not why are her mommy and daddy not living together anymore) Explain to her that they are selling their house and moving. Moving is very h*** o* her friend and the friends mommy and daddy and that is why they can't play right now.
Hi J.- Like you, I am a child of divorced parents as well. I would just make excuses. You can talk until you are blue in the face but a 3 yr old won't grasp this concept. In fact, what if she begins to worry that you and your husband will split. I feel like it just may create unnecessary anxiety. I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty with a 3 year old. If they need more time together, maybe you can offer to have her daughter over. I'm sure your friend would appreciate a little extra time to get things done during these hard times. It might also take some stress off of her daughter. Sounds like they will be moving soon. That will be hard enough on both girls. Maybe there's your answer...focus on the fact that their play schedules will change since they are moving but explain that you can still have playdates with her friend even after they have moved. Good luck.
J.,
Your dd is just 3 years old, which is extremely young to process something that complex.
My advice would be to keep it very simple without much elaboration. Something like,
"Her family is moving right now. Maybe when she moves to her new house, you can have a play date with her." Her only question is about playing with her friend.
I had to break the news of my mother-in-law's death to my 3 year old sons,
and I've found it's best just to keep it simple. They can't process complex events
at that stage. Expecting her to process a marriage breaking up is unrealistic
and could cause her to have doubts about your marriage. If her mommy and daddy
are breaking up, will my mommy and daddy break up??
I am child of divorce too and still bear the scars from years of parental wars.
You are too, so you know the drill. Keep your explanation simple, answer
her questions with short explanations (not long answers) and let it go. She'll be fine.
Hi J.,
Sometimes moms and dads have problems if they don't like the same things. Sometimes it is better they live in different houses until they work their troubles out so they don't fuss so much. They are not fussing because of the little girl. They both love the child and want to do the best thing for her. They will always be her mom and dad no matter where they live. Your DD will continue to be her friend no matter where she lives. HTH
Divorces can be nasty, but they don't have to be....especially from your daughter's perspective. Sometimes it's better for the parents and the children if the parents live apart. In this day, it is just a part of life. My daughter's 4 year old best friend had parents that split up. When it came to their daughter, they were SO civil about it, you wondered why they ever split up. I explained to my daughter that sometimes Mommy and Daddy's just don't get along. Of course it brought up concerns for her own Mommy and Daddy but I explained that was not what was going on in our family. Now her little friend has 2 houses, 2 bedrooms, and is coping beautifully because her parents were very "matter of fact" about the whole thing. They both attend school functions and Birthday parties, and everyone just "understands", especially the 4 year olds. I think it gets harder when the kids get older.
I personally would just explain that they are in the process of moving away and are very busy when they are there. She can ask to play sometimes (it might be a good relief for the other mom and daughter); but that if they say no, it's only because they are too busy. I would also explain that this may be very difficult for the friend and that if she seems sad sometimes, your daughter should befriend her and take her mind off of her sadness by playing something and not asking too many questions. If your daughter asks about divorce, then tell her that her parents decided to not live together anymore, etc. But, otherwise, I would limit what your daughter knows mostly for the sake of the other girl's privacy and you don't know what she's being told.
J.,
With something like this, the only thing to do is to tell her what's going on as if you were speaking with an adult child, and then answer any questions she might have. Otherwise you are just evading the true answers, and what good would that do her?
Explain to her exactly what divorce is so that she knows. Chances are, because she's so young, it will take a bit to process all this and she'll likely ask more questions for a while ~ sometimes even repeat her questions. That's normal. Kids ask questions because that is what's on THEIR minds, and at that age all they think about is "them". Your answer, unless it's a one word like yes or no, is too much for them. So they absorb some of it and then think about their next question while you're still talking.
Sorry, went off on a tangent. I just remember having to explain something complex to my daughter at that very age. She asked the same questions in a different way for a while and I didn't understand that. I thought she had alzheimers or something! She's 10 now and finally accepts that she is not one of 8 kids! She only has 2 brother's, the other 5 belonged to the couple next door. She didn't know why we weren't taking them with us when we moved.??? Good luck and God be with the couple and their child(ren)down the street.
Deborah
P.S. I just read Allison's and I agree with her. If you don't need to explain the divorce, just say they're moving. I love it!
I agree with Allison. No need to make things more complicated than they are. The moving issue is enough for your girl to process.
Your friend will have to take a COPE course before her divorce is finalized. It's a class for divorcing parents with kids. I took it, they provided names of books that were recommended for children of divorce if you really want to go there. If she hasn't taken the course yet, Amazon.com or Border's will surely have some books to explain the issue to children. But, again, I don't think you need to go there with your 3 year old.
Why do you feel the need to explain something to a 3 year old who won't understand it, or even remember it in a few months? When her little friend is at home, why can't they play together. If the mother is packing things she might enjoy letting her child come to play at your house. You'ed be doing her a favor and well as the children. All you need to say to your child is that the little girl is moving away to another house. She's too young to try to explain the parent's problems. Do you remember who your friend was when you were 3? 3 year old have short memories, in the long run. Stop beating yourself up over it. If you want to discuss your nabor's divorce, seek out another interested adult, or better still, offer your shoulder to her while she needs it.
Can you explain it like this...Her mom and dad are busy moving into different houses and moving is a big job. I wouldnt go into detail about divorce or really mention it due to setting some fears in her mind about you and dad getting a divorce. Also why not ask the 4 yr old to come on over and play. That way the parents can be focused on seperating there things. So sorry for this family.
The other ladies have given some good advice, keep it simple. I might also suggest, explain they are packing things and it's messy, suggest the other little girl can come over to your home to play.
This way, her friend is visiting, they can play and maybe it gets the other child out of any parent wars (even for a bit).
Just a suggestion.
S.
It might be better to talk with the other mother, see if it is possible for the little girl to come to your house. It may be that she would like the idea. She may need time to do things with her not there. Check the the other mother today see what she says. There is no reason to try and explain things when they do move just tell her that they moved she will soon forget her friend and get new one's to play with. Why burden her with some grown up problems at her age.
Maybe right now,to your 3 year old, divorce should not be the subject. Just help her to understand that her friend will be moving and that sometimes things happend that we have not answers. She is comcerned about her friend. I can see you are a compassionte woman and coming from a divorced situation yourself--pray for and seek wisdom it's a winner everytime.
Blessings--K.
