Hi. I am writing because my four year old daughter who is normally a pleasant, outgoing, polite little girl, wants nothing to do with my Mother. My Mom comes to visit 3-4 times per year. She loves to play with my daughter, cook for her and help her with basic daily activities. My daughter does not want her to help with anything, put her to bed or even hug or touch her. She is even sometimes rude and kicked and screamed when my Mom tried to put her in her car seat. My Mom is really upset by this. She has tried disciplining her, ignoring her, being the "fun Grandma". Nothing seems to work. This started about 18 months ago when I was about 6 months pregnant with our youngest daughter. It got worse when my Mom came to help when the new baby was born. Do you think it's as basic as some people just don't like each other? or is there something else going on that I could help with? My Mom (bless her heart) tries to be the "adult" and realize that she is just 4 but I can tell it really upsets her. She was even crying last night but didn't want me to know. Obviously this is very stressful. Any advice?
I think she's equating Grandma with the little sister. "you came, this other thing arrived. Does that mean something else will come when you're around?"
I don't know how to help it, though. I'm sorry.
Your daughter sees Gma trying to replace her Mom.
1. Tell grandma: instead of trying to play with your grand daughter, completely ignore her.....but play right next to her with something that looks really fun. Be really animated. ...but pretend you don't notice her. Don't talk to her. Then if she seems interested in what you're doing, hold it out to her and let her play with it. Again, don't talk to her. If she doesn't take it, just shrug and play with it by yourself for a while...then put it down and walk a few feet away...and find another cool toy to play with. This is the best non-pressuring way to ease in to playing with a child.
2. Grandma needs to do Grandma things. In my house, Grandma brings 3 toys with her when she comes to visit: a train on tracks, a big soft ball, and a magnet toy. Those are NOT gifts. They are fun toys that Grandma takes home with her when she leaves. They are Grandma's toys. Grandma shares her toys with my kids and takes them home when she leaves. My kids look forward to playing with those toys....and looks forward to grandma's visits.
3. Grandma shouldn't take over your role. She should do other things. She should read books or take the kids outside to play.
4.When we had our new baby, the first thing I said to my toddler when we brought baby home from the hospital was: "awwww...is it your new baby? awwww...isn't your new baby cute! ooooh, your baby likes you!"....we never refer to the baby as "the baby" or 'my baby'....always 'your baby'....
At 4 your daughter is articulate enough to talk to you about "feelings". For instance, asking "why do you not like Grandma", do you know Grandma loves you very much, Remind her that she is your mommy and that when she acts like that she hurts her feelings and causes her to feel sad.
Ask her what her favorite things are about Grandma, her least favorite things...
I can say if you know of no one specific instance that created the anomosity, I am not sure. I have never heard of a 4 year old disliking a Grandma.
It is never okay to condone her being rude, regardless of how she personally feels. That has to be stopped at all costs by you! I get kids want parents to tuck them in and keep the normal routine, my kids are that way. However if she is continuing this bad behavior outside of the simple things she is used to I would try and talk to her about why.
Your daughter may associate Grandma with the new baby and losing some of you, who knows, it just needs to be figured out. I would understand more a baby wanting just mommy however at 4 she should be able to slowly tell you what is bothering her so much.
At 5 my daughter and I did play therapy to get out issues she was having with my divorce and her daddy leaving the state, she really opened up when we were in a playing setting and just hanging out, not me grilling her so to speak.
Don't underestimate her, she is capable of talking about it, you just need to sit with her and talk to her in a manner she doesn't feel pressure. Giving her examples too is important to help her relate, like "you know when so and so doesn't let you play with them or says mean things to you, it hurts your feelings right?, well that is how you acting like that is making Grandma feel"....helping getting on her level with understanding.
Hang in there.....
My oldest did the same thing when our 2nd was born, but she did it to me -- she didn't talk to me for 2 days. She was really mad when she realized that we were taking the new baby home. But it worked out by having her be a big helper and saying things for her to over hear -- like how much she couldn't wait to grow up and play with her, how much she loved her, etc. She did the same thing to both grandparents when she was 3. It had nothing to do with a new baby. I think it was just an age thing to outgrow? But I like the other suggestion to do positive talk with Grandma like I did with baby, and I also like the suggestion to do role play to get her to talk about her feelings. Sometimes it's just a frustration thing that builds and builds because they don't know how to communicate their feelings. Best wishes!!
I'm no psychologist, but it seems like your daughter has either equated your mother with something that is upsetting (most likely that grandma came and then mommy had a baby who took a good amount of the attention previously given to her) or that your daughter is transferring anger she feels toward the baby or you onto your mother--giving your daughter somewhere to put her upsetting feelings without having to be angry at you or baby. It's a hard situation because your daughter needs to be allowed to feel her feelings, whether or not they make sense to anyone else, but she also needs to understand that outright rudeness or meanness is not acceptable. Depending on your daughter's ability to express herself verbally, you could try to talk to her (letting her know she is safe to say what she feels without being punished for it) and find out the source of her feelings. Chances are low that she simply doesn't like your mom, and discovering what's behind her behavior is the first step in changing it. In the mean time...even though it is still hurtful to her, let your mother know that your daughter doesn't really mean to be rude or unkind, she's just trying to deal with her feelings the best way she knows how. Good luck :)
Did you notice the acting out happend when you were pregnant? I am not sure exactly how to deal with this so I am going to reccomend you use your local library to find some books about granparent relationships. Hopefully mom will stick with it, she obviously loves her grandaughter and wants that relationship to work. Good luck!
I agree with the other responses that mentioned that there is a strong possibility that your daughter connects the arrival of the new baby with your mom. (Did your mom possibly also visit around the time that you started to show, when the negative feelings your daughter is displaying toward your mom started?)
I think that time will work it out (and I don't at all think you should assume at this early date that this means that your mom and your daughter have incompatible personalities, though I understand that it's easy to think that right now when everyone is upset) but that there might be a few things you can do to help it along.
I think that if you begin to express your own excitement at getting to see your mother when she is about to visit, even if your daughter says contrary things, such as that she doesn't want to see your mother, she will start to see that your mother means a lot to you and she will begin to process that perhaps she should be excited too.
It would also only be natural for your mom to begin to shrink back from your daughter and spend her visit time with your youngest, but I think that would just make things worse. Even if she gets rejected, every time your mom makes clear that she's there to see the whole family and not just the "baby" that your daughter will see that her place in the family is safe and that it's okay for her to "forgive" grandma for liking the new baby and helping you care for her.
It's really tough, though, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. I think you'll all come out okay on the other side if you can all just hang on long enough for the four year old thought process to come around, when it all will click into place that your mom didn't bring the new baby and doesn't like her younger sister more. Good luck.
What a tough situation. I know it hurts my mom's feelings when my son is mean to her, even though she understands that he is just a little child. I would say your daughter is absolutely connecting Grandma with what was a stressful upsetting time to her. Do not chalk it up to chemistry, as you said, she is 4 and doesn't totally understand her own emotions. Have you had a heart to heart with your child? "Gosh I know that you don't always like being around Grandma. Can you tell me why?" She may say something typical or hurtful like "I hate Grandma" (again, you must remember, she is acting on a child's feelings, not true meanness.) You then might try saying "I know when baby was born Grandma came and paid a lot of attention to baby. I bet that made you angry and sad. You don't remember, but when you were a new baby, Grandma came and helped me with you and she loved you right away. She said she was a lucky Grandma to have such a beautiful new granddaughter. She misses spending time just with you. Would you like it if just you and grandma went to do X (something she loves)?"
Sometimes just talking to an angry child and letting them know that their feelings are valid can go a long way to help them feel better. Maybe she and Grandma can have a special signal that lets Grandma know she is feeling left out. Keep working with her. While she should not be allowed to kick and be aggressive, don't punish her for being angry or upset. Good luck!
Is she still angry to have a sibling and Grandma brought that thing and left it? Maybe she also feels that Grandma comes and goes, but doesn't stay even though she needs her. So she does not want to invest her emtions because grandma is just going to leave again and not take that thing that interuped her life with her?
I might be wrong but maybe your mom should ignore the baby a little and re-establish her relationship with your oldest.
This must be h*** o* your mom! There is a book call Creative Grandparenting from Afar. Or something like that.
Good Luck,
C. B
S.,
I am so sorry for your mom. I know how much most of our moms love being grandma. Being rejected hurts no matter what your age. My 2 year old has nothing to do with my dad. Basically, our situation is that my Dad tries too hard. (many other issues I wont go into here.) However, you mom sounds like she is trying her very best yet for some reason your daughter is rejecting her efforts. I know she is only 4, but trust me, she knows it bothers your mom. I am not saying she is spiteful or hurtful, but kids are learning their boundaries and powers now. The best thing, in my humble opinion, is to have your mom "not care." Easier said than done. Once your sweet little girl realizes her behavior has no affect on your mother, she will try somethinge else, hopefully a warm up. I am glad your mom realizes she is the adult. (my mom wouldnt) She sounds wonderful and this is most likely a little manipulative phase. We girls tend to have that built into our genetics.
Blessings!
