Have 2 Year Old, Thinking About Getting Pregnant Again...

I was what you call an older parent.
No problem......
Look at history of all the youngest child of large families who were the most out standing.
Being "older" is great. Don't worry.
If you don't want another child that is another matter.
B. v. O.

The greatest gift my parents gave me, was my sister. I dont know anyone who is an only child who is glad they didnt get a sibling.

Hi, T.,

My husband and I are 43. Our first live child was born when I was 40 1/2; my second was born six weeks before I turned 42.

Life with two kids is noticeably different than life with one. I have a hard time getting my kids to sleep at the same time. Consequently, I feel as though I virtually never get a full night's sleep now that I have two. Feeding, dressing after a bath, pushing in a stroller, putting in a car, scheduling medical appointments and classes are more challenging experiences with two kids than with one. Swimming lessons are out of the question now because each child must be accompanied by one adult and my husband works out of town a total of half the year. (His schedule as a musician/roadie is inconsistent and often changes on a moment' notice.)

I try to stay in shape (exercise regularly and try to maintain a very healthy diet). Nonetheless, I don't think that I am as energetic as I was when I was 23. Some people say that age is just a number. It may be a number, but it is a meaningful number. Although I can take great care of myself, I like everyone else, am more prone to debilitating physical problems than I was ten or twenty years ago. This statement is not an ageist remark; it is a fact. Some people, in justifying having kids later in life, say that you never know when you will die and that young people die, too. While those statements are true, the older we are the more likely that we will die, or become physically disabled, esp. by heart attack or stroke, in the next moment.

I was really surprised to find myself pregnant at 41 without trying, especially considering how much my husband and I went through to conceive and carry to term my first live child. I am grateful to have two children. However, I think that my elder son, my husband and I probably would have been just as happy if we were a family of three instead of four.

Before taking the plunge, carefully consider your financial situation. Each child costs, by most people's standard when calculated honestly and accurately, a significant amount of money. Based on a rough estimate of my family's expenses, the cost of care for a second child is approx. 80% of the cost of care for the first. My second son can wear the clothes that my first has outgrown, but other than that, my husband and I pay twice as much for two kids and we did for one. Before my husband and I conceived our second child, we thought that we might be able to fund a large part of our offspring's college education. Now, I don't think that that is possible, even if I work full-time and we continue to be frugal. I will probably have to work longer (more years) than I would had my husband and I had only one child.

Also, be honest with yourself about your energy level. Everyone is different. Don't be swayed by people on one extreme who tell you that you will automatically find the energy (or money) to raise another child well or people on the other extreme that you absolutely should not do it. They, for the most part if at all, won't live with your decision.

Try to decide BEFORE conceiving how comfortable you are with the possibility that your offspring may have genetic problems, e.g. Down Syndrome and what you will do if your offspring shows signs in utero of having this type of problem/issue. The odds are that your child will not, but they are much higher on average than the odds in cases where parents are in their twenties. My husband and I were comfortable taking the chance and decided that we would not abort a deformed, disabled fetus if I became pregnant with one. Neither one of our kids seems to have any significant deformities or disabilities.

I would not recommend creating a sibling just to keep your current child company. Although my kids seem to get along well now, I cannot assume that they always will. The siblings on one side of my family get along quite well; the siblings on the other fight over anything and everything. Sometimes, friends make better companions than siblings. By the way, my kids have very different personalities and interests. One cannot reasonably assume that a subsequent child will be just like the first-born.

If your heart is really into having another child and you think that you can financially and physically handle another one, then it does not seem unreasonable to try to have another one.

Good luck in your decision.

Lynne E

Hi T.,
I'm 40 and have a 4-year-old and my husband and I have decided that one child is perfect for us. We realize our limitations on finances, energy (and dare I say patience?!) and we are happy with our choice. But I won't say that we came to this conclusion easily or without some major soul-searching. I went through a one-week period of totally wanting another one (must have been hormones, or something) and then I came full-circle back to realizing that one is just fine for us. My husband could go either way, but when times are tough or stressful or we're totally pooped, he looks at me and says, "I'm happy with our decision."

This is completely a personal choice, but look long and hard at why one more would be good and why just one works, too. Don't let family/friends pressure you; it is your life and your family. Our daughter spends two days a week with her cousins and two days a week at preschool and we have lots of playdates with our family friends. While we have thought of moving out of state at certain points, we always come to the conclusion that it is important to raise our daughter around family, especially since she has no siblings. Anyway, she certainly isn't a lonely child or wanting for childhood companionship. We also have a dog and cat, something I think is really important for all children to experience.

Oh, one more thing. Consider this: having a sibling DOESN'T guarantee that they will get along, or even want to play with one another. This is totally the truth and definitely something to consider if you are thinking of the playmate angle of it. We ALL know people who don't get along with their brothers/sisters, don't we??

Good luck w/ your decision!

Dear T.:

You just had a baby two years ago? You're not THAT much older now! :)

Anyway, I was 32 and my husband was 50 when we had our last child. Our children are only 18 months apart and they tandem nursed for 18 months. Oh, and we homeschooled them since the beginning. Talk about BUSY! But it got easier every day and suddenly, our kids are both nearly teens.

Because we were caught up in the "busy-ness" and our ages and money (stupid, stupid, stupid us!), we didn't have any more and we both regret it VERY, VERY much!

So, I say: GO FOR IT!

God bless your decision, T.!

M.

This is a hard question and obviously one that only you and your husband can answer!! I have two thoughts going through my head. The first is to be encouraging and say "Of course you can/should do it!! Lots of people do!" and the other side of me thinks about "Well, you'd have to get pregnant first, and so then you'd be giving birth no sooner than 43. You'd be 53 when your child is 10. Your husband will be 64." I don't know T..

If you really want to do this then you can. But I'd only do it if you REALLY want another baby. I wouldn't feel pressured by the desire to want to give your daughter a sibling. She will make a lot of friends in life!!

Go for it, soon! 42 is still young - I'm almost 48 but feel much younger. I know a friend who was 47 when she had twins, and already had a toddler, and she did just fine. I think your body gives you as much energy as you need. I'm sure it sounds so overwhelming now, but I'm sure you'll do fine. You will be glad you gave a sibling to your 2 year old, especially when they are old enough to play, and travel! I have 2 girls, and now they are a teen and pre-teen, and they have kept each other busy practically from the start! I don't know what I would have done without them each keeping the other busy! And they are great playmates for each other when we go on vacations. Anyway, I also have a friend that has one child, and she's exhausted all the time from having to keep her only child busy (and this child is 9!). Good luck with your decision.

My husband and I waited 9 years to have our third child, there was always a reason to wait, and it became more and more likely that we wouldn't have any more. Finally, we decided that there would never be a time when we regreted having another child, but there might be a time when we regreted not having one. This was the tie breaker for us, if you look at it like that, it might help you.

If you want another child, do it! I turned 51 just 5 days before I had my twins this past February. They are almost 10 weeks old (I can't believe how fast the time goes!). My husband is 62. We have an older daughter who will be 5 in July, and I always wanted more than one child. Didn't bargain on twins the second time around, but feel that we're truly blessed.

It sounds like your energy levels are much better than ours. My husband has Parkinson's, which is causing a lot of problems right now due to medication changes from a new neurologist. Not the best timing for me, but I'm managing pretty well...almost like a single mom. It helps that our babies are pretty good and only get up once at night, and I won't return to work until this summer. Once I am back at work - 10 hour shifts - it may be a different story. Right now I don't have to be up at 5 a.m. if they aren't up, but will have to make some adjustments once I go back to work. I don't regret being an older mom...it's just the way things worked out for us. On the plus side, I'll retire in less than 4 years with medical coverage and a pension...and THEN I get to be a SAHM! Have to look at the positives in every situation. I believe things happened this way for a reason, and I'm sure enjoying myself. Good luck to you!

I know you have requested to receive advice from those that are in the same boat age wise (we are in our early 30's), but I really felt like commenting on this. I read this to my hubby and he and I both completely agree that you should take the plunge. You are only two years older than you were when you had your first child (will be 3 by the time the baby is born) so go for it. My hubby only wanted one child. I told him that the best gift we could give our daughter was a sibling. He finally agreed and is soooo thankful that he did. Our children are almost 3 years apart and they get along so well. My daughter is truly happy to be a big sister.

Yes, sometimes having two is exhausting, BUT sometimes we get a nice break too. Now that my son is 1, the kids play together all the time.

Since you are older, should something happen to you now or in 30 years, wouldn't it be nice knowing that your daughter has a sibling to share her life with?

I'm turning 39 next month & my daughter's father turns 46 in September, so we are asking ourselves the same question. He says he's, "One and done." I think I'm done too, mostly because the delivery was a life-haunting nightmare, and the healing afterward was slow. Also, I am not at all good at the night-shift. However, if we had the resources to hire a nanny, I would not feel the same. Unfortunately, due to finances, I know that a second child would be a deficit and not a benefit to our daughter. There would be less Mommy & Daddy time resources, and less of everything else. Have you checked out the prices of pre-school? It's as expensive as sending a child to college. We can do it for one, but I don't know how in the world we would pull it off for two. So we are calling ourselves Maoists and just enjoying our one dear, healthy, beautiful child.

For me, two was easier than one, 3 harder than two. I was 34 and husband was 42 for our third. I feel the stigma of older parents is not longer an issue these days. I always wanted my kids to have siblings, someone to share a history with and not be alone after we are gone. Yes, I was more tired for the third, but she had her brothers to keep her active!

Nowadays, parents are having children at later ages. So it's common.

My friend had her 2nd child at 47 years old via IVF. It was planned. She was an only child and did not want her daughter to be an "only" child because for herself, she said that growing up as an only child just "sucked." She and her husband are now 50-51 years old and their children are 6 and 3 years old. They both work, and it is a busy household. But, they are happy with the size of their family and yes, she says it's tiring & stressful (at her age). But, she does not regret it. BUT, she and her husband are "sometimes" mistaken as being the "grandparents" of their children.....

I had a high school classmate, whose Mother was younger than her Dad by about 10 years. She and her Dad were not close at all, her Dad was much older and pretty much did not relate to her, and they were not close. It created problems... and her Mom was the one who pretty much "raised" her because she was the 'younger' parent. She often said she wished she had a younger Dad... someone who understood her and could do activities with her. Her Dad, being much older, had his own 'health' issues and just did not have the energy or ability to run around with her or participate in her life. She was a sort of sad teenager, and I remember feeling sorry for her.

Me, I was 42 when I had my 2nd child. It was planned and we got pregnant naturally. It was fine & a normal pregnancy, and we are very happy to have 2 children. Which we wanted. My hubby and I are about the same age though, with him being younger. But, the 2nd time around... well it was more taxing per my energy levels. But, i believe, that we all love our children and do the best we can, despite. Right? A person will naturally rise to the challenge, especially a Mom. We have infinite "reserves" of energy and love to expend. And if at my current age I were to have another child... well, fine. But I would not do it on purpose! LOL! 2 kids are enough for me!

It really varies per the couple...so many elements and variables to think about... health, energy, financial planning & ability, going through the no-sleep phases again with a baby, going through the teen years, the emotional demands, the ability to have patience and guide them, the 'quality of life' that you want or can or cannot afford both physically and emotionally, ... all par for the course.

Really hunker down and talk about it fully together. And you mentioned you both are always "tired now." If you have another baby, will you be ready for sleepless nights again, and the demands of 2 children? Then you will need to see if getting pregnant goes smoothly or if not, then how long will you both continue to try, before giving up or not?

THEN, what about your concern for birth-defects/Down's syndrome? This is a higher concern with older pregnancies and parents. Will you do an amnioscentesis? Will you be concerned about that? How will you handle any genetic testing or outcomes?

Or, you could get a Nanny to help out. Per your financial ability to do so or not. This is what my cousin does, and he has twins!

Its not easy to decide.... I don't have an answer for you,
but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide,
Susan

My dad was 56 when I was born. My mom was 36. Since I was the baby, they occasionally had those, "Oh, my gosh, we've been through this before, and I'm exhausted," moments, but so did my friend whose kids were born when she was 21 and 24. It's a function of dealing with the youngest, not of age. Check with your doctor, make a concrete plan for if one of you dies or can't work (again, something parents of any age should do!) and then don't over think it. You will always second guess yourself and have regrets, no matter what you do!

My two cents would be: if you can get pregnant or adopt without too many complications, go for it. If it means fertility drugs or other extreme intervention, that's probably not the best use of your time or money.

I'm tired, sure, & we sometimes joke that we should've started earlier since our girls are so hi-energy, but we love what they have brought into our lives, can't even remember or want a life w/o them. We had our last @ 40, I would've gone for more, but it wasn't to be. Because our 1st daughter was conceived with clomid, I was so worried that she would be an "only", but we were blessed with 2 more "oopies"...& are happy that they will have each other when we are gone.

Kids fight & drive each other & you crazy, but when they are adults, they have the potental to be each other's best friends. My sister is 6 yrs younger than me & she is my best friend, but we weren't best friends as children.

My husband will be 60 & I'll be 58 when our youngest graduates from hs & starts college. We've already started talking about the addition (jokingly), for which ever one decides to STAY, with their own family...the girl's idea, not ours..but it's sweet, anyway. And they change which girl it will be, depending on their whims. My point being that love grows & expands, finds a way to cope.

Another of my close friends had older parents--her mother was 44 & her father was 56 when they had her. She is close to some of her older brothers, but she is very close to the cousins she grew up with, they are like sibs. Plus my family, my girls call her Tia...we make our families as we need them. Her father passed when she was in hs & she lives with her mother & daughter. Her mother is 75. And still involved with her family & life. But my friend does feel the worry for her mother's health. But that worry would be there regardless of her mother's age.

I would say go for it. If it's meant to be, it will work, with the normal bumps of life. take care

My husband (45) and I (41) have a son (just turned 3)... I've always wanted an only child and have enjoyed the one-on-one time that a single child allows. My husband always wanted another, however, and we are ALL excited to welcome our second son coming in September!

The only observations I would offer are: Yes, it's harder being pregnant this late in life. Yes, it's harder being pregnant with a toddler in the house. And yes, it's much more stressful knowing the odds are much greater of having a physical or chromosomal problem.

However, if you and your husband are on the same page regarding both definitely wanting another of EITHER gender and exactly how you will handle it IF there IS a genetic problem, then I'd say go for it.

I may be a bit biased since I have two girls, but I say go for it. It's harder at first, but once the little one is around 2, it gets A LOT easier. They can play with each other which frees you up quite a bit.

Also, I think your ages are all the more reason to give your daughter a sibling so she still has some family after you two are gone. Not fun to think about, but it's a fact of life.

Best of luck to you!!

Hi T.,
I'm 46 with a 6 year old. My husband is 50. So we're in the same boat. My husband wanted a 2nd child but I said no because I just could not handle it. I'm too tired and I have to work full time. The advantage of having another child is that your older one has someone to play with. I'm the one who has to play Power Rangers, and Super heros every night when I get home from work. It's fun but sometimes it would be nice to have another kid around for that so I could rest. On the other hand, we're able to travel a lot and give our son lots of things we couldn't afford with 2 kids.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. You'll make it work for you either way.

Hi T.,
My greatest heart ache in life is not having more children. But I waited to be married at 38, had my first at 41 and my second at 44. They are the most beautiful babies on the planet, but we decided that we should stop.
Currently, I am perfectly, physically capable, as is my husband, but I am already 41 years older than my first child - and I always will be. (No matter how much Kundalini yoga I teach or take!) He will be starting college at age 18, and I will be starting my 60's! He will probably start sowing his wild oats in his 20's and then maybe marry in his 30's -I will be in my 70's. My second will be 18 and I will be 62. How old is 'senior citizen'? Do you see how we made our decision?
There is stroke and heart disease in my family - the last thing I want is to be a burden on my children - I want to be there for them at all stages of their lives - but to do that means we concentrate on them and do not add to our family.
The hardest time to make this decision is now - when they are adorable and loving and sweet - but I have to think of the future and providing in all ways to my children.
We decided to have two kids because when we die, basically, that's it - none of our siblings have children. Our children have no cousins. They are the last of each family. We wanted them to have some family, to have each other.
The last thing I want to say is that it would be so lovely to have more beautiful children - but I think that would be selfish on my part. I would be doing it for my pleasure, not for the good of the child. As a parent, I have to think now "what is best for my children?" Children do take energy (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) to raise - and I want to participate on the field, not wait in the car.
Each family and circumstance is different, but these are just a few of my reasons for not adding to my family at the age of 46.
Good luck.

We're not as old as you are... but we feel we're too old for another one. I'm 31 and pops is going to be 44 this year. We don't look at the situation right now, but in 18 years... and all the stuff in between. The expenses, the issues and joys of raising a child and we have decided that we are going to have an only child. (I'm an only child and I'm not 1/2 bad!) It's entirely up to you but also remember that as you and your hubby get older .. the risk of genetic defects increases on both sides. Also, as a child who was raised by my grandparents I can tell you I HATED my parents being so much older than all of my friends... it felt like one more thing that made me different than everyone else.

I think pretty much summed it up, Ihad my daughter when I was 42 (after thinking I wouldn't be able to have children, it was like winning the lottery!) and my hubby and I were happy and content to just have her. My hubby is an "only" and I am from a large family and I think sibs are great and he had a lonely childhood.
Imagine my surprise when I found myself pregnant again at 46! I just gave birth to beautiful baby boy (completely healthy) and his sister is thrilled!
I am much more tired this time around,and everything takes twice as long and is harder, but I know what to expect and you just do what you have to.
As Lynne said, if you think you are emotionally and financially able to care for another child then go for it!! and Good Luck.

Congratulations on your beautiful little girl! My husband and I have 2 children, 2 years apart. I was 41 and 43 when they were born...my husband is 3 years older than I am. It has been fantastic. They are the best of friends. Times have been difficult...I think I've forgotten the whole lack of sleep thing but it's all been worth it.
My mother was 39 and my father 48 when I was born. Though they weren't out skiing down the slopes with me, they were relaxed and mature and wonderful!
Good luck with your decision.

Hi T.- I haven't read other answers you got yet. I am 38, and I have 2 kids. My second pregnancy was A LOT more difficult than my first. My OB attributed it to my older age:-). After my second was born, I was a lot more tired and sicker than ever before. I guess what I am trying to tell you is this - yes, it will likely be harder than the first time, and yes, you are older this time and your energy level will be lower and you now have 2 to run after. But if you ask me if I would do it all over again to have my second child, I would absolutely say yes. So it comes down to this, how much do you and your husband love to have another child? Have a realistic expectations before you get into it and know that it will be harder this time, and if you still want it, then go for it!! It's a very personal decision.. But seeing my daughter and my son playing and talking to each other (they are 2 and 4.5), I feel nothing else matters.. Good luck with your decision!

HI T.,
I am 42 and my husband is 48. We have two year and four month old boys. I know that I will never regret the decision to have two, but honestly if I had known how much harder two would be for me, I think I would have stopped at one. I am very fit, and often have people think I am ten years younger than I am, so I assumed I would handle the sleeplessness and energy output with no problem. BUT- I am exhausted this time and it shows by the dark circles under my eyes! I was also much more tired with the second pregnancy. Then our second son was born with GERD and numerous other digestive immaturities and had "all day colic" for the first three and a half months of his life. It has certainly been twice as hard as having one child so far. Of course, the irony is that I am in love with them both and so happy for the blessing of each of them. I know that you will make the right decision for your family! Best of luck!
S.

GO FOR IT!! I am speaking as an only child. But I waited until 40 to have my first and am healthy. It sounds like you are in great shape and take care of yourself = long active life. It would be great for your daughter to have someone else her age, to build that bond. Also, I worry about my parents now getting older and it would be great if I had a sibling to help with the care my parents are going to need later on.
As an only child, I missed having a sibling more and more as I got older. Good luck and don't wait too long.
PS - If you were 25 you would still be tired...young ones are a lot of work!!!

Absolutely have another. We had our two kids during our late 30s and early 40s. We're now 46. Yes, it's tiring, but the kids play together, they love each other, they keep each other company and - I imagine - they will continue to be good friends as they age. I love to see them playing together without my suggestion or interference. I think it is healthiest for them.....

Also, my colleague just buried her father. She is an only child. She said it was tough - not only because her dad was dying - but because she was the only one caring for him these many months (her parents had divorced long before).

Hi T.,

It seems you've gotten lots of input from parents who have been in your shoes. I am a bit younger (35)and pregnant w/ my fourth, so I cannot give you any first-hand info. I would, however, like to tell you a little story about being an only child (not me):

When I was in college, I had a lady professor who had been an only child of only children. Her mother was gone and her father's health was ailing. She had been married, but never had a child (We never had the nerve to ask whether it was by choice or not.) and was at the time already divorced. Her father passed later on and she took care of him and his affairs right up until the end. She spoke about it very matter-of-factly."I am alone." or "I have no one else." She did not appear to be in pain about it, but then did not seem overjoyed either.

We (all the ladies in my study group) felt very badly for her, because though she presented herself as very collected and strong, we all felt she could have had a better, happier, fuller life if she'd had more family, be it children of her own or siblings- even cousins or aunts/uncles. In your case, your baby probably has cousins and aunts/uncles. If you do decide not to go for the second child, please try to strengthen the family bonds for her with whatever family she does have.

I believe that being an ony-child is, in most cases, sad, but then again if adding another member will be too tryng on your family, it may be the better option to stay at just one. It is definitely a personal decision and I try not to judge anyone since I don't know the first thing about their situation. I wish you and your family the best.

-I.