Has Anyone Lost a Parent While Their Children Were Young?

Yes, my Mom passed away when I had small children. I explained to my kids that I was sad sometimes because I would miss him so much. Then I said that she would be away for the rest of my life, then I would get to see her again, so sometimes I would be frustrated because I couldn't do anything about it. Then the kids would actually see me unhappy or angry and put their arms around me and ask if I was missing my Mom. It helped my attitude a lot. My kids helped me heal.

Hi J. -

Bless you for recognizing the core of your anger. I would also ask if you have been doing any kind of cleansing - commercial or herbal? The liver holds anger and when a person is cleaning, often old angers come to the surface - issues they thought they had dealt with before. It is also possible that your liver is crying out for a cleanse. You can try something mild like Milk Thistle to clean and protect. On a more holistic level, you are absolutely correct in your statement that your children can feel your emotions - and they often act out because they have not had the experience to deal with the strong influence. As a strong LDS family, you may or may not believe in the presence of those that have crossed over. If not, that's perfectly fine. If you do, you can use a simple visualization called "The Chair." Set an empty chair across from you so that you face the empty chair. Close your eyes and imagine your father sitting in the chair across from you. Reach deep inside and tell him everything you didn't get a chance to tell him when he was alive, including how his death has affected you. It is a way to release emotions you may be keeping bottled up because of your own family responsibilities. We often don't take the time to grieve and in holding in strong emotions, we can create physical illnesses in our bodies.

I would suggest you do this when someone else can watch your children and you can be alone - don't hold anything back. Relive old memories - laugh, cry, scream, whatever emotion comes to the surface - let it out. You may feel exhausted afterwards - but you will definitely feel better.

You can use this same exercise for any incident in your past - any experience with any person - as a way of releasing old grudges, angers, sorrows, etc.

Blessings and Happy New Year,

M. M. Ernsberger, HHP
Certified Hypnotherapist
Certified Life Coach
Certified Herbalist

talk to someone in your church, to a proffessional counseler, yourhusbnad shouldhave soem resources

Hi, J. -
Heartfelt condolences on your loss. Both of my parents are gone too early - both also died of cancer. I know how much it hurts. My younger brother died on 9/11 of this year, so I'm grieving that huge loss right now. I was struck by the fact that you have triplets. I have twins, almost two, and an almost five year old, and wanted to share a thought with you. When my brother recently died, one of my initial thoughts was that having to care for my children 24/7 was a blessing because it kept me busy. Kept my mind fully occupied. However, I'm sort of thinking now that it has kept me from having had time to grieve the loss - to actually process it and be able to move forward. With small children, you just have to soldier on. You have THREE and a husband in medical school, so perhaps the same is happening with you and that's why the emotion is sort of leaking out in other areas. It's been happening that way to me. Talk to everyone you can about how you feel. If you are grieving, it will get better. If you have become truly depressed, you may need to seek some professional help. My only other thought was this: you do not need to hide your sadness from your children. I have cried freely in front of mine from time to time. The little ones are too small to understand, but are learning to be empathetic. My four year old asks why, and I answer that I miss her uncle Kurt, and am feeling sad. It allows her to process the loss, too, and to show empathy for my feelings.
My wish is that this brand new year brings you peace.

J.,

I am very sorry for your lose. I lost my dad before I had children and my mom when my oldest was just 21 months old. I do feel that it affect me as a parent and a spouse. I would loose my temper and feel out of control. For me, I feel like it just opened the door to be a yeller. I didn't realize at the time how it was affecting me, and didn't really seek help for it. Now I find that I am trying to break the habit of yelling and find a way to be better handle things that frustrate me. I wish I could tell you that I found a great counselor who really helped me, but the truth is, I have yet to find anyone who was worth going too. I wouldlove to find someone like Dr. Phil :) Someone who would tell you what the problem is and how to fix it. The best advice I can give you is to talk to people who have can understand the lose of a parent. If you feel that you are having a hard time coping with the feelings you have, talk to your doctor. You may benefit from a short term therapy with an antidepressent. Follow you gut and don't be afraid to ask for help. I think it is wonderful that you are able to recognize that you are having dificulty and asking for advice. I wish you the best and hope you find something that helps you. Please feel free to email me if there is anything I can do to help you.

Pat

Hi J.,
First of all, I am very sorry for your lost. My father passed away from cancer October 8, 07. Although he was in the advance stages of cancer it was still a shock for my family. He lived with my family while he was in chemotherapy treatment. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. It was really hard for my family and especially the children because he lived with us full time and they both had a special bond with him. The day that he passed was a day before my daughter's birthday and a day after my nephew's birthday. It's been over a year and it's still very hard. I have been going to counseling to deal with the loss. I feel like it has helped a lot. I talk to my children daily about how special their grandfather is to them and how he is still here to watch over them. Please seek counseling because it does help. Let me know if you need to talk.
L..

J.,
you said in your profile you are lds. i am also lds, and it sounds to me like you may be having a bit of depression. i have depression and deal with it thru diet, exercise and especially prayer and scripture study. it must be difficult for you to have triplets and have your hubby in med school. i strongly suggest you make sure to take some spiritual time for yourself each day to read scriptures. it sounds so cliche, but if i miss two days in a row, i have the hardest time with my temper and patience. i know there's also a really good pamphlet or short book about grieving. you can ask your bishop, and i'm sure he would be able to tell you what it is. another thing that helped me watching education week talks on byu.tv online. there are great ones on depression, happiness and parenting, i would listen to them while doing chores, etc, and it really helped the atmosphere in my home and taught me a lot that has helped me. hang in there!

Hi J., My immediate family consisted of my mom, her brother (my uncle) and their parents (my grandparents). Within a 12 month period, my uncle and both grandparents passed away. Now I only have my mom, I don't have siblings. It was extremely hard, I went thru all the typical grieving issues. Although this was going on 9 years ago, it is still hard for me. For the first 2 years or so, I thought about them DAILY, and now it has gotten better. I don't really have any big advice. Only that you should try to get some help because those around you should not reap the consequences of your grieving process (eg. anger). Try to look on meetup.com. It's free to join and they have all kinds of groups that meet and I'm sure they have one that might work for you. I understand what you are going thru and wish you the best.

Hi Mama! I lost my Mom to cancer while my girls were little and my son was born way after she passed. What you are feeling is normal..Im sure alot of ppl have said that but its true. It has been 14 years and I still feel some of what you are saying at times. It has affected my kids. I would like to chat more about this with you if you would like! My email addy is ____@____.com soon!

Hi J.,
I recently lost my mother in August she was diagnosed in January with cancer and eight months later gone. My daughter is 15 months old. I can understand completely what you are feeling and how hard it can be somedays to just get out of bed. I have found that talking about my mom and keeping alot of memories close can help. Also talking to those that love me most and not being afraid to cry when you need to helps as well. I too have alot of anger to deal with, I was suprised by it as well.
In the old words my mom used to tell me, "If mama ain't happy, then nobody is happy." if you can find a way to deal with these feelings without anger it will help not only you but the ones you love the most! Good luck, I am sure you can get through this and if you need anything don't be afraid to ask!

Hi J.-
Yes, my father passed on when my son was four months old. We had never been close, and he had been a poor parent, but I still had major problems with depression (different people express their anger in different ways; my belief is that depression is anger aimed at ourselves on the inside rather than toward the others on the outside). This is a situational depression- you may need some meds. Watch out for the time of year around the time of your parent's passing for the rest of your life. That part will diminish, but never entirely stop.

I guarantee that your pain will lessen. In the meantime, see your Dr. for some help so that you can maintain an even keel for your children. Hope it helps- my thoughts are with you- S.

J.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly understand your pain. I also lost my dad to cancer 10 days after I had my first child. It took 5 weeks from diagnosis for the cancer to take him. My friend gave me "Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss & Rememberance" by Kathy Eldon. It is a wonderful Journal that guides you through your feelings. It helps you to focus your feelings where they should be. I also used the journal this past year when I lost my older sister to breast cancer. By this time, my daughter was 3 and I had a 7 month old boy. I did not have the personal space or time to grieve like I did with my dad. I started using the journal again after my 3 year old drew a picture of our family and I was the only one without a smile. It's taken some time and I've had to make personal time for me to be alone and cry, scream, and remember, but it gets better. I now have a smile in my daughters pictures.

Has your dad been suffering for a long time? Have you had to watch him die? Look into post traumatic stress disorder. it can happen in many different kinds of situations. See if you have any of the symptoms.