Graduation High School

I would collect money for her but keep it. Pull her aside one day & tell her that you have X amount of money for her for Africa but you will not give it to her until she leaves. Also, I would tell her to not tell anyone & gently explain why. If you don't explain it she may tell because she seems a bit naieve (ie: splitting that $ she got from friends). Good luck! Keep us updated.

I feel for her as that was my life as a teen although my brother was never held back and would never have taken my money - it was my mother's thing...you have received great ideas so I will not add more except you can give a gift card like to a book store (no cigs there)....you are a kind and generous person and your niece will appreciate anything you do..

Give them both the same graduation gift, even if it has to be less than what you were planning, and before your niece leaves for Africa, give her another envelope and just call it a 'spending money' envelope for Africa. Your sister and nephew should not get upset about that. I've been dealing with a mother in law who for years has given money to my kids, BUT ALWAYS gives more money to my first child because, as she has favored her own first born, she favors my first born, so I understand what your sister is going through, trying to keep things even. Though I think it's silly not to celebrate her daughter's awards and accomplishments by displaying them in her own home. Back to the favoratism, for birthdays, I don't say anything, but for holidays and spending money, my mother in law's money gifts now gets split 3 ways, irregardless of what my husband says.

How sad that the boy never got the extra help he needed to succeed. Now everyone wants to reward the daughter, who obviously does not need the reward because she is self-motivated. The son has no motivation to work now because he will always get something from his sister. His parents have enabled him to live off his sister's efforts. He probably has no confidence now, that's why he's smoking. Find something positive about the son. Work hard to notice what he does well and encourage him in that. Be persistent. He graduated from high school after much struggle. Reward him for that. Help him find something that he enjoys doing and does well. Don't give either of them more money. Give them each a personalized gift with some significance.

How frustrating! I would give them each a gift card for the same amount to a store that does NOT sell cigs! Then, if you want to make a donation for your nieces Africa trip, do that separately, and perhaps write a check directly to the organization or give the money in some way that her parents cannot make her split it with her brother!

Don't give cash or a gift card. Think of what you want them to have and buy it for them. If your nephew is going to be goin gdirectly into the working world, a nice lunch kit would be useful. If the neice likes books, buy her one. Make your contribution to her mission trip a separate thing. Those donations usually can go through the sponsoring organization. I have the same situation, and the niece gets gifts, while the nephew doesn't. They are adults, but my nephew told me he didn't get a gift card and wanted me to replace it. When I looked into it, I foudn out it had been spent. He has pulled this on everyone in the family. So he gets cards and nothing else.

Maybe get travelers checks in her name, or a gift card to amazon.com for books. You could also get him a gift card to a store he likes. That way you can be sure he won't be spending the money on cigarettes.

Your niece's rewards will come from her own accomplishments, so I wouldnt worry too much about her. But your sister is NOT doing her son any good by enabling his laziness. Im sure she feels sorry for him and he knows this and is playing it up. I agree with another post, give them an equal gift card to a clothing store and then give her a donation at a different time to go towards books or Africa. Your sister has to stop babying the boy and make him get a job and grow up.

I have a wealthy aunt who has always been very kind to my siblings and me. My sister and I were like your niece, so when it came time for our graduation she gave cash, as well as a note telling us that when we got to school and paid for our textbooks, she'd like us to send her the receipts so she could cover our book costs. You could do something similar, like paying for something that could only be used by a college student, or perhaps a large gift card to Borders or Barnes and Nobel.

Geez that is a tough one. In all honesty, not sure what I would do.
Probably would not gi ve cash. Gift card to a particular store ie. for her
Bed, Bath and Beyond (lots of college stuff) for him not so sure.

I would some how personally get her aside to talk to her and hand her the money. Then hopefully she can keep it to herself. She shouldn't be forced to share her gifts like that with another sibling no matter what. Maybe she can open herself up a checking/savings that her parents wont know about, along with a P.O. address,too.

I agree with the answers to do a gift that is monetary but that only she can use. The idea of the college bookstore funds or giving her money for Africa in the form of a donation directly to the travel agent, church or organization that she's going through is a great idea. I would not give the nephew money, but some sort of gift of something else he enjoys to do in his free time and if anyone has an issue, just explain that you wanted to discourage the smoking habit because you are concerned about his health.

I do have to say that your nephew's behavior could be coming from his feelings of inadequacy. I do not think your niece should have to hide her accomplishments, but it can be tough for the other sibling to not always measure up. He made the choice to take time off and that is not a bad thing. I do know someone who did that and then went back when he felt more mature and able to handle the coursework. Going to college is not a way to measure someone's worth. Please don't and please don't use grades or success in school to measure it either. I know many people who did poorly in school and went on to do great things when their time to shine came. Your niece has had a successful school career and will most likely continue to shine, but she may not do as well in college as she did in school. Your nephew may need some time and then go on to do great things even without a college degree. Please don't count him out yet.

give him a nice card and maybe a token gift, and tell your niece privately that you will help her with her goals and it will be between you and her. maybe the parents have to equalize everything, but you sure don't.
khairete
S.

I understand your dilemma. I would suggest right now give them the same amount and once your niece is in college (the first week) send her the rest of the money and let her know you are aware she will need the money for school..

When your nephew gets a job, maybe you could send him a gift card for a clothing place so he will have some work clothes.. Or it he attends a trade school, offer him some money for his books. But wait to see what he ends up doing first.

I agree with most posts, to give them graduation presents of about the same value and have a donation to the Africa trip be separate and not in front of the rest of the family. But talk to your nephew and encourage him in whatever constructive interests he has. Perhaps he can find a volunteer program or some type of more hands on job training if academics are not his thing. One of my friends did a year of volunteer work in AmeriCorp and traveled around the country with her group doing thinks like rebuilding state parks, helping in places struck by hurricanes and floods, etc. She learned a lot of construction skills that way too.

that's sad that your sister has caused your neice to suffer and not enjoy the fruits of her hard work, just so her brother doesn't have to suffer his lack of acheivement and bad decisions.

my opinion is the same as most of the others - give them the same in the cards and then give your neice a little extra on the side (either now or just before her big trip) and explain to her that its for only her and its ok not to tell her mother that you gave it to her. That you feel she deserves it and don't want her to have to share with anyone.
I also think the ideas to give her a gift certificate (those aren't easy to split) or take her to buy something she needs are both excellent ways to handle this.

How about gift certificates? His for an electronics store, hers for something she enjoys like books, clothes, etc. That way there can be no pressure to share from her parents
They you can also include your own personal message on the cards, for her an expression of how proud you are of all she has accomplished. He deserves some words of congradulations too though: getting through high school with what sounds like a serious learning disability is not easy. No matter what stupid decisions he goes on to make, he has made it this far, which is worth celebrating.

Take your niece to the side and explain how you feel (she probably needs that comfort). Tell her when she's ready to buy what she needs/wants, that'll you'll accompany her and pay for it. You could do bonds in her and your name, so noone else will get access to it, but the wait time is long. I would give the boy a gift card to a place where he can not purchase items you would not like to see him purchase. Also, when she goes to Africa, you can wire her money or give her travelers checks.

I agree with Janet B about funding her direct needs. You could tell your neice that you want to help and ask her what she needs and then go out and pay that bill...whether it be her airline ticket for the Africa trip...or set up an account at the college book store....or pay for a semester of her college. But I would do something that cannot be revoked by her mother. -- As for the cards, I'd not give any money. You are correct that the nephew will spend that toward cigarettes. Even a gift card can go toward cigarettes.

Don't give cash or gift card. Give her something that she needs for her trip or for college. I don't totally agree with downplaying her achievements and it is absolutely wrong for her to have to split money given to her as gifts with her adult brother. Have you spoken to the parents? If this money was from the girl's friends, they are under no obligation to provide for the brother and it's really unethical to take money from young people and divert it to another source - the money would better have gone back to the giver of the gift. Mom may not want to hurt the brother but someone needs to point out that she is hurting her daughter.

give them the same and then send exrtra for the great job she has done to
her college address maybe a gift card and your sister doesnt need to know

G.,
I think your niece is old enough you can give her a private gift - or take her shopping.

Equal in the cards is fine. Or equal gift-certificates - that would make cig's a bit more difficult (not impossible for anyone determined of course). You can't make your sister's decisions, you can't make your nephew's decisions. Just yours. Least resistance is this way, I think. Or wait until your niece is in college, and college students ALWAYS need food. : D The healthy kind I might add, bc my parents always sent me cookies. Yummy, but not the best idea to avoid the freshman 15.

Good luck,
M.

I like all the answers as far as donating directly to the Africa trip and gift cards. I also agree to pull your neice aside and tell her how awesome she is and that you want to help her in her college. She , since she sounds like a nice kid, probably won't call you and say Auntie I need this or that. I would follow up with her in August and either ask her for her banking info and deposit directly to her account or send her a refillable visa/mc card and add money as you see fit. As far as your nephew just get him a GC to a store and wish him well. Seems he is trying super hard to be the opposite of his sister and playing your sister like a violin( even negative attention is still attention). If you have a close relationship with your sis I would bring up the unfairness and how she is enabeling her son to be a "bum" for lack of a better word.

I feel for your niece. She will make a decent life for herself though so that will be a good reward. If I were you, I think I would give the same amount of money in the graduation cards and later give her whatever extra you want. I would give it to her when you are alone with her, (maybe take her to lunch) and I would specify that she should keep it secret (so as not to offend her brother).
You may want to consider giving her a pre-loaded credit/debit/gift card when she is leaving for Africa as her extra reward for her extra effort. It'd be pretty hard for anyone to make her share that.
Good luck. Oh, and it's great that you want to acknowledge her efforts.