Going Through a Divorce with Kids

You are doing an amazing job being a big and generous person by not being jealous or catty about your ex husband's "friend". Very few women could pull this off, and you have already scored BIG points with your kids (by their fun and lack of stress and comfort in talking to you) and the new lady and your ex by being kind.

You know in your rational, logical mind, that it is easier for her to "chip in" and HELP your husband entertain the kids for short periods of time, than it is for you to do it on your own for the majority of the time. You have a huge heart to want to try and improve and add things in. But UNDERSTAND in your heart, that you are doing enough, and your kids love you like no other human because you are their mother. There is no telling what will happen with your ex and his friend, but you will be their most important loved one forever. By being nice about the situation like you are, you are not risking alienating yourself in any way.

It's not all the way cool for him to be involving someone in his kids lives whenever he is with them while claiming she is not even a girlfriend, but, like a man, he can't do this on his own, so you are doing the right thing making sure your kids have fun.

How to handle it? The constant raves about the friend? It's not easy! I think you have to just accept that it hurts, keep a brave face, mention it kindly to your ex when you need to, be honest, but keep up the positivity and know you're doing the right thing. Kids always think new people and places are cool and talk a lot about them. I remember doing that as a kid, going on and on about how cool other people's parents or houses were... Count your blessings that you have them most of the time, and believe me, they do say nice things about you. She knows she can never compete with mom, and probably feels even less secure than you do! It's frustrating to see your ex being Mr Nice guy with her when he didn't help you out, but everyone is on their best behavior at this point, and time will tell the true story.

As for what to do with your kids, always remember, it's not what you do, but how you feel in the time you spend together. Whatever you decide to do will be great, but if it will stress you out or be too difficult or expensive, it may distract from enjoying each other's company.

I had been really busy working once, and my husband was gone a long time working, and I was driving the kids home when my daughter mentioned that we didn't drive past the cemetery in a while. The cemetery in our town is really pretty up on a hill with great view and she remembers going on walks there when she was younger. So I made an impromptu stop at Sunoco, grabbed some grape juices from the cooler and straws (big treat to them) and went and sat in the cemetery to drink them because it was a pretty day. We ended up there for over two hours, talking and playing tag and letting them run. I just resolved to have a nice time, listen to them, have eye contact and laughs and not hurry. Pretty much anything you do is good with those rules. We do weird "nothing things" all the time, if I just take a breath and make a decision to have fun with them for a few hours, even if it's at the recycling place and grocery store etc.

My friend and I went with her son once on a walk through her town. We stopped at a mechanic's shop and complimented his garage-he ended up giving us all a tour of all his equipment and cars-her son's eyes almost popped out of his head with excitement. Just relax and enjoy them in any time slot you can find, even doing free stuff and errands. As for all the work you have to do, this is real life, and they don't hold it against you. Hopefully you have their help with stuff too! That's always time well spent together as well.

You're doing the right thing taking it slow with your new guy. Now that you need someone to be good for your kids as well as yourself, your standards are very high, and there's no hurry. You have the strength on your own-all this hard work will pay off one day-keep up the awesome work!

I don't have tried and true advice for you as I haven't been in your situation. But I have experienced how it feels to hear how great everyone else is and not be on the receiving end of the compliments. I know my kids don't truly dislike being home or with me. After all, it is a compliment when they want mom to fix boo-boos, tuck them in, etc. Maybe you could start a tradition of picking things to talk about each night at the dinner table. One day each of you could tell the best part of your day. Another day you could all say something nice about the others. Another day you could each divulge one of your wishes. Maybe write a bunch of topics on scraps of paper, put them in a jar and pull one out every day at dinner. This will get the lines of communication open and create a bond through sharing. I think in the long run the memories you create of a loving, dependable home invironment will be far more lasting and have a greater impact on them than who took them to what amusement park.

As far as things to do that are inexpensive how about:

*hikes at a local park or walking trail
*check local theater groups for free/inexpensive shows
*check movie theaters for free or reduced movie (usually AM)
*Google "kids bowl free" for local free bowling
*Michaels Crafts stores have periodic free workshops
*libraries have a ton of free programs and family events
*check for free movies at local parks
*buy membership to a zoo/other venue that you could frequent
*start a project together - gardening, painting, etc
*get involved with a charity together
*have kids help with yardwork then have a pizza party
*check websites for 1/2 price deals on entertainment (in my area radio and tv station websites offer these)
*check local malls for their kids' club activities

You sound like a wonderful mom. Take things one step at a time. Do what is best for you and your children. Make some time to reward yourself for a job well done. Warmest wishes to you!

I think it is natural that you feel overwhelmed and unsure of yourself -- this is all uncharted territory. However, to me, you actually seem like you are handling things pretty well, you seem pretty well grounded and thoughtful. Don't get into that competitive cycle with the other lady -- be grateful that she is good to the kids and can provide them with some experiences that they might not otherwise get. I think that is one of the common fall outs from divorce that is not a good thing -- the kids quickly pick up on how they can play the parents off each other to get things they would not otherwise get, playing on parental guilt, etc. You could use it as an opportunity to discuss money with the older ones, if they want to know why you don't take them to the places that she does. Being open with your kids about finances is not a bad thing, it teaches them how to handle money.

For wanting to bike -- check garage sales, craigslist, freecycle, second hand/thrift shops, even neighbors to borrow things or maybe they aren't using the equipment. If you are patient, you will come across what you need to make that happen. I've found, if you aren't in a hurry and can avoid the HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW, just about anything comes to you at a fraction of the cost.

Having fun with your kids does not have to involve elaborate expenses. Particularly in the summer, there are so many free things around -- fairs, concerts, etc. Pack lunches wherever you go. Kids need attention and love more than expensive trips and stuff. Give them that, and you will be fine.

I'm not from your area, and my kids are a little y ounger (and girls!), so I don't have any suggestions on what you can do with them... but for the bike stuff... check craigslist. you can get a bike seat for fairly cheap, and bikes as well. There is a guy near me (in NJ), that fixes up bikes and sells them for like $20, which isn't too bad.
Are you into camping? I just took my daughters camping by myself, and we had a blast!
I always try to see things through my kids eyes... even simple things can be really fun for them... like going through a drive through carwash!
Also, check the library for some fun free things to do.

anyway, good luck!!!!!!!

Wow, K.. That sounds really tough. I think the thing to keep in mind is that they talk about her and are excited about her because she is novelty. It's like when a child gets a new toy. He plays with it nonstop for a few days but always goes back to his lovey - the one that's been there consistently and reliably his entire life. The one that's done what's best for him even if it wasn't the most popular action. The one that he comes to when he needs someone to kiss booboos, listen to dramatic social stories, give advice, and kiss every morning. You are the ratty old teddy bear who's been loved so hard he has no facial features and his arms are falling off. She is the new action figure who will end up in the bottom of the toy box when he needs comfort and 'mothering.' It's great that they enjoy eachother and get along well. It's great that she is accepting of your children and it seems that you two could even be amicable and open if anything ever comes up. As your kids get older they will realize, like so many others have (including myself) that Mom, daily Mom, is the person who made you who you are and allowed you to be who you are.

Hi K.,

It's a jungle out there, isn't it ?

For starters, I think you are wise to not have your date as a bonafide member of the household, and involved in your kids' daily lives. If the relationship falls apart, they would only get divorced again. That's not a good scene, and it's better to only have Mom nursing a broken heart, not mom plus 3 boys.

I hear you re: the other woman. My ex-hub's wife sent me a letter telling me how she hated my children, (yes, that level of loving kindness) yet when they visited, she was so two-faced, that they came home singing her praises .. . and it was very VERY hard. But you are wise to listen, and appreciate the fun they have with the boys, even if it puts a screw into your heart each time. You are obviously the person they confide in, they tell you what they did, and what fun they had, and you listen. She is being a girlfriend and you are being a Mom. capital M. She's being the "fun one" and you are the one with whom they feel at home, not on their best behavior, and not having to do things 24/7 to have fun. With you they can relax, let down their hair, even if it means racing around the place and being loud, and with you they share their stories and adventures. And the best part of hearing all this, is that they trust you -- which means that if something not-so-good happens while at Dad's, you will be informed, because you listen and they share.

And then the house: yeah, it's tough. At some point, you have to settle for less than perfect, in order to have some time. I am a big fan of the zoo, cuz you can be a member, and in Erie, for $5.00 extra on the membership price, you can bring 10 free guests. That means you could go to the zoo, and each of the two older kids could bring a friend 5 times and that would be free. If you live near Pittsburg, their zoo is bigger and better . . . You will end up pushing a stroller, but the first time you go, look for little-noticed stuff, then make "scavenger hunts" for the older boys -- when they go with their friends, see if they can find all the things on their lists . . . . start easy, then get more challenging if they enjoy it. It'll slow them down a little, and make the zoo more interesting -- esp if they get a prize, like going on the trainride or something afterwards.

Going to the beach is another fun family activity. And the older ones can help entertain the little one, by building sand castles. (or the swimming pool if you can afford the Y membership)

And then there's you - learning to be single again is hard after being half of a duo -- even an unhealthy duo. I made a list of 5 things that were non-negotiable, and I would use them to be sure I didn't marry someone who was just like my ex. (Did you know that most people get divorced then marry someone who reminds them of the first spouse ? And guess what? They divorce again.) When I began to get serious about my new guy, I took out the list, and checked it off, then married him, even though it was still a scary thing to do -- I wasn't afraid of him, but I WAS afraid of MARRIAGE. And guess what? TODAY is my 20th anniversary with him, and I can't imagine being in a safer relationship -- ever. He's awesome. He loved my 2 girls, and we birthed another 2, and while there remains dad and his wife who has decided to build a relationship now with his kids (who are 20-somethings), whom I still don't trust, but no longer have to -- the older girls and I have a special bond because we spent 5 years as "you and we against the world", as a team, and the younger ones (now teens) are pure pleasure.

Hang in. You are struggling with your decisions, and that means you are taking them seriously and working to build a healthy life for you and the kids. It isn't easy -- but it IS rewarding. I wish you ALL of the best in life -- you're starting over, but having kids is a reminder that we have to be healthy to raise healthy children -- and while having children can be a drawback to dating, it is also a great reminder to evaluate the people you date as more than just a great guy to hang with -- you are looking for WAY more than that, and you want the best for yourself, and for your kids. . . . don't despair. You're doing a great job !

While I'm not one to have ever been or ever be in your position, I will tell you a little something about what it is to be Dad's new woman (your ex's girlfriend). When I married, my husband's ex hated me - because I was there. Then she met me, and that only made her hate me even more - because I was a good person and she could see why my husband married me. Finally, we took the kids for a long while and most of the weekdays after that, and that was when she really started wishing that I would go to Hell, because her kids LOVED me.
She started pulling everything out of thin air to win their favor to a fuller extent - like we'd somehow become rivals, which is what I highly suspect got into her head without her knowing it. She'd take them on trips, splurge on dollar-store toys for them, you name it, whatever they wanted and then some. But it never was enough, they still thought I was too cool for sliced bread, just for being me, and all she did was make herself bitter over it.
It didn't get better when the "new baby" finally came either, if anything there were flames of Hell coming out of this woman's eyes when she saw my child and she couldn't STAND it when her kids just fawned all over their baby half-sibling like nothing else mattered.

Bottom line and point summary: 1)Try to like the girl as best as you can, especially since she seems to be a good person, 2) It's not a competition, so don't let yourself slip into treating it as such, keep a close watch on yourself, 3) Don't try to "win your kids' favor" or "buy their love" ever, don't even try to justify such behavior or say that that's not what you're really doing if it happens, because it doesn't ever work. Your kids need to love you for who you are, and see your merit for your character, not for what favors you give them.
So SMILE! :) And go be yourself, and a good mom to boot!

First of all- I have to commend you for being so strong and open in this situation. It can be very easy to feel resentful toward the new woman in your boys' lives. It's great that you can see how much the kids benefit from spending time with her while they are with their father. But enough about that. What are your boys into? Do they like movies? Maybe set up a movie night one night a week, let them take turns picking the movie (or 2 or 3 movies, one for after the little one goes to sleep). One thing I remember from growing up with my brother is the bonding experiences were never expensive. The things we tend to remember most about our childhood are the times we can sit and joke around and goof off with eachother- not necessarilly the weekend at the amusement park where my parents shelled out the big $$. We did a lot of hiking, built a lot of forts outside, roasted marshmallows in our back yard, played a LOT of basketball and teeball. Maybe their time with you can be more focused on bonding, while they go do crazy stuff with the "other woman"... Maybe when you have more time to chat you will have more time to hear about how great YOU are too!!
Good luck, and never lose your optimism!

Hey K. it's K. N. Wow i didn't realize how overwhlemed you were since i haven't talked to you in a while. Please call when you get a chance because your e-mail isn't working anymore. Hang in there.

Hi K.-I feel as though I wrote this request myself. Although my seperation has been a year now, my soon to be ex, was seeing a girl for about a month. He had been taking the kids with him to spend the night at her house, where she lived with her parents. I was not comfortable with this at all so he got his own place and decided to move her in him, on my birthday to make matters worse. After a month and a half of dating! August will be a year they have lived together, I also started seeing someone but had kept him distant from the kids at first but over the past year they have become very close. After this woman moved in I was very upset b/c I knew my ex did this to spite me, they too started doing things I could not afford to do-also supporting myself, with my own house. It was only up until about a month ago that his gf and I finally talked on the phone and came to an understanding. Her living with my children has forced their father to BE a father which he never was before, so I am thankful she is there to push him in the right direction. It still is not easy, even after a year to hear all the great things she does with them and buys them since my finances are so tight. I try not to worry about the material stuff and just show them how much I love them. As far as activities, we have a movie night about once a week, less now since it is summer. Get some popcorn and a couple movies that you all love and we do a boardgame night. We also have taken a picnic lunch to the nearby park. The kids love this b/c it is different and they can run around. My son is 7 and has really been into fishing this summer, so on the 4th we went to a local public lake and they both caught fish. They had a blast. All I can say is hang in there it does get easier and your boys will see how much you love them in the end no matter what. I completely understand what you are going through and I wish you the best.

Dear K.,
When my little guy with 3, I came into the room, feeling horrible and just coming from the shower, he said, "Mommy, you look beautiful." I never forgot that moment. Moments like that one come once in a lifetime and your marriage was about making moments to hold you over the tough times.
Summertime is a time for relaxation, socialization and fun times. But once school starts, the structure of the family will be the structure that the boys will take to school. If mom and dad do what they want, those teenage years are just around the corner, and will try the both of you, or the four of you, for everything you have got....including your money.
I remember that 10 was the perfect age for children and innocence. Please don't take this time for granted. Your 8 year old could also follow the footsteps of the first. Be careful with them, there are so many things that could go wrong. Be careful with your love. Good luck!
E.

Hi K.,

My question is: Is there no way to patch up your marriage?

Your feeling are your feelings and you need to feel heard.

Family Group Decision Making (FGDM) would be a good way to help you become empowered to take charge of your life.

You can call them at 1-###-###-####

to see if they can help you in any way.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

u will always be their mom and take care of them like noone else ever can. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my father was a once a month weekend dad always taking us to restaurants, out on his new boat, girlfriends ect ect. My mom felt the same way being strapped for money and time. I always grew up and til this day envy my mother for all she sacrificed and dad will never compare. She took care of us when we were sick, school ect... I would be happy the friend is nice to them but do what u can.

Dear K.,
Shed the guilt! It is a negative emotion that will eat you up inside at a time when you really must take care of you first!!! There is no doubt that you want what's best for your kids. Know one thing. The kids will be fine as long as you are fine.
I recommend that you institute a lot of structure in their lifestyle to help them and yourself through this time of uncertainty. After dinner everyone helps clean up, do the dishes. Put on some music. As long as you are cheerful, it will not seem like a chore. Prepare meals together. Saturday mornings clean the house together and then get donuts at the grocery store as a treat, or bake something simple like banana bread together for a treat. Play board games (scrabble,cranium,chess) in your nice clean house. Create rutines that teach them how to take care of themselves and help you at the same time. There was that song a few years ago "I'm gonna teach you and I'm not gonna charge"! LOL This will take a lot of your energy too, but it will pay off in the long run.
As for their father and his girlfriend, realize that they may be embellishing that story because they know it gets under your skin. Kids sometimes manipulate their parents this way. No one can take the place of Mom, because no one loves the kids unconditionally like Mom. This wonderful new woman will show her other side in time. Keep sane by listening with half an ear and focusing on your own needs, and how you will get through this. Above all do not compete!!!! It will be rough as they go through the teen years -- that is just the way it is. It is more important to have their respect than approval during those difficult years. The appreciation for all that you are, will come much later.
I wish you the strength and courage to keep your chin up and hold the bull by the horns, because it is obvious that you are a great mom and an amazing person.
My prayers are with you,
N

Hi K.,
You can take them bowling for 2 FREE games every day this summer until September 9th. Check out this website and register them to your local alley and the only cost to you will be the shoes if you have to rent them (roughly $4.50 ea). You can also sign up for the family plan $23.95 and it allows up to 4 adults to join. I take my boys (6 & 2) almost everyday and they absolutely love it. The bike ride is a great choice as well, check out freecycle.com for people getting rid of things. www.kidsbowlfree.com
Good Luck, A.

I didn't read any of the responses and i'm talking about my experiences as my divorce finalized this past Jan and ex been out for 3 years and yes past year dating someone seriously/marriage talk and my kids and her kids been together many times. In fact I just found out she;s been in my driveway few times.

You are seperated and not yet divorced and this is not the time to have a serious relationship or looking for 1, this is time you need to figure out what you want and need and to concentrate first on yourself and then on the kids. I concentrated on the kids, with 5 kinda hard not to. Sounds like you got a good friend and taking it slowly. Don't invest into new relationship now, your lonely, scared, overwhelmed and easy to lean on another person but you need to lean on yourself and family/friends.

As for the new g/f, he should be concentrating his time with his children, not with all of them together, but that's his mistake. Yes I know the feeling of worthlessness one feels when you hear how he's taken all of them to Great Adventure and paying for all of it, the 100 dolllar icecream tab and how you just trying to keep roof overhead, but that's not teaching your kids right from wrong. Yes the kids are kids and will look for that but down the road they will see the truth and yes that's hard to wait on. Be happy if they get along and she treats them well and be happy yourself and give that to your kids. Teach them the small things in life love, respect much more important then material things.

Figure out what went wrong in your marriage and how you can grow from it. Both of you need to parent the kids together and you both need to support each other as the parent.

Good Luck

K.,

First of all...you NEED to KNOW that you are doing an excellent job with your kids and that you are Great and Fun also. They will talk about your husband's "friend" as well as their father as being so much fun because when they do go over to their house...thats all that it is ..is Fun. He doesn't get them very often so that's what he has to do is have fun with them. For you on the other hand, it is fun along with school, homework, chores, etc.... So just looking at it by a kids viewpoint, it is always going to be "Funner" at dad's house.
By seeing it on their level, you should understand that it doesn't make you "Less fun", it just is what it is right now. Know in your heart that you are doing the BEST for your kids and providing for them what they need. Spend time with them, it doesn't have to be at fancy places like their dad goes to, spend time in the pool with them, cuddle and play outside sports, get on the floor and play with thier army guys or cars, whatever their into. They will KNOW in their hearts that MOM loves them and is their for them in many ways, including the fun ways.
they will probably say that Dad and his friend take them "here and there" and why can't you take us here and there or I'm bored, etc....But again, it's just a kids viewpoint and you do not need to compete with their father. Give your self credit and KNOW that your giving them your HEART 100% of the time!
I give you sooo much credit for adjusting to your husband's "friend" and being positive with her for the kids sake, i think it VERY mature. In my opinion, ANY person in my child's life that can make them a better person or give them an experience that they can learn from.....even if the circumstances are as they are, I will do my best to accept them ...For my child's behalf!
That being said, I'm a little concerned about your "friend", I totally agree that you should slowly advance them into your life and the lives of your children, but I would just worry that he may not be able to adjust to the "loud and business" of having 3 boys. (He probably is a great guy but this is based solely on what you provided) GO WITH YOUR HEART!

I wish you MUCH happiness in your life with your children and yourself, you deserve to be happy too!
L.

Hi,
My boys are 9 and 7. I have some suggestions on activities, but what general area are you from?

I really admire your emotional maturity and the way you put your childrens' welfare before anything else. You sound like a great person.

Hi K., It looks like you have received some truly wonderful, compassionate, and creative ideas. As for super fun free/inexpensive things to do in Pittsburgh, I would recommend the following:
1) The Water Steps --this is great fun! Your older boys will have a blast and your little one will too! It is free, public, water art sculpture on the north side between the base ball and football stadiums. It is beautiful, relaxing and fun for everyone. Bring swim diapers, towels and a picnic. The kids will definitely want to go back.

2) Southside Workds -- also has a fun public fountain. It is smaller but has a grid pattern of water that shoots up in unpredicatable ways. Kids think this is hysterical. Again pack a picnic or see a cheap movie (I think on Tuesdays) at the movie theater right there.

3) Free movies in schenley park. Might be kind of late for your little one, but might be worth trying one time.

4) ChuckECheese -- I stayed away from this one for a while, but we took our three year old there for dinner last week and it was fun. They have decent pizza and other food options as well. There is definitely stuff there to keep everyone occupied and tokens are 25 cents - but stuff to climb on is free. It could be special treat kind of thing. They have an excellent security system so you can feel safe while your kids run around.

As for how to deal with hearing all that stuff about your ex's girlfriend, I don't know. It sounds horrible. I am sorry that you have to go through all of this, but as one person mentioned, just that you are thinking about all of this and putting your children first, means that you are a fantastic mom! You obviously care about your children an extraordinary amount to put up with all of it. Hang in there.

N. B.

Sounds like you need some help - probably from friends and ohers who care about you. And it's not unususal to seek some professional help as well. Remember this, you are so
SPECIAL that your boys just take you for granted... however that is normal. You can find ways to show them that they're special and in return they suddenly turn around and
surprise you in various ways... like all of a sudden for no
reason you'll hear "I love you mommy." So be creative and
find time to make them and yourself HAPPY!

Also - there's a great family lake not too far away in JIM
THORPE, PA - it's inexpensive and all the kids will love it... even you. It's called Mauch Chunk (spelling) Lake.

Please check out my website www.BabyMeTV.com to see free parenting videos (very cool) and read what other Moms are
writing about in our Parenting columns. Also - I think you're a really good writer (story teller) and invite you to
contact me if you are interested in writing for BabyMeTV.

You can contact me thru our website if you like.

Best of Luck - P.

P. H.
founder/creator BabyMeTV.com