My brother and his girlfriend got pregnant and towards the end my brother who already lived at home asked if she could move in to. Now that the baby has come they expect my parents to do everything for them. The baby is going on 3 months and neither one of them have made any effort to help around the house. My mom does all the chores. Cooking, cleaning, laundry. Everything. My dad just started hemodialysis and is getting very frustrated with the situation. My mom is always taking up for my brother, he is 20 and the baby.
My dad called me today to ask if i knew of any places for rent near where i live. My parents own a house about 45 minutes from me.
I dont know if i should encourage him to stay and tell my brother to find a place or what. My parents have been having problems and i have suggested counseling but i havent gotten anywhere. My dad owns his own business but because of the dialysis is no longer able to work and just started recieving disability. My mom and another person are taking care of the business so i think he is also feeling that he isnt needed.
i just am not sure what i should do. i dont know if disability would be enough to support him.
im sorry this is so long and choppy for lack of better word.
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This may sound really cruel but unless your parents seem like they are really malcontent, you should stay out of it. If your parents can't deal with your brother they should tell him.
You have every right to tell your brother and his girlfriend how you feel. Not that they are losers, etc...but how they are affecting your parents in such a negative way. I bet if Mom had more time to take care of Dad and connect with him he wouldnt feel so useless (she's probably feeling the same way). Have Mom simply stop making the world go round foe awhile. Its hard to watch the mess pile up, but often the only way to get the point across to others in the house who dont help out. Loneliness is the last thing either of them need at this point, and your brothers family is only pushing them apart. I would say take a direct approach and talk to your brother, if he cant be reasoned with talk to his girlfriend. Someone has to have enough pride to start a new path! If you know they have a budget maybe look into what they could possibly afford, maybe that apartment your Dad asked about.
If you are comfortable I would talk to Mom & Dad too. Tell them your fears of their separation and that your bro's fam is only adding to it. Ask them how they feel about looking down the road and the other not being there. Often people who think they cant stay together havent given enough thought to being apart.
Good Luck
Speak Your Mind!
If I were your Dad, I would tell your brother & family to get a job and pay rent and do their share of the chores, or get out. No ifs, ands, or buts. How are they supposed to raise responsible children if they aren't responsible themselves? Your Mom is probably too kind-hearted to ask them to move, but would actually be relieved if they did. And, I know from experience, that at "middle age", you really have to work on your marriage, especially when one of you is ill. It's not worth your parents' marriage to have an irresponsible brother & family living with them. And the brother needs to grow up!
Sorry to hear all of this going on.
My friend had sent this to me about your situation.
With medical conditions in the way, I'm sure it's hard for the whole family.
If your Mom and Dad can have a place again with the two of them, that sounds like better living conditions for the both of them.
I am sure they really appreciate the love and support that you give them both.
Have they tried contacting Medicare or Medicaid?
Congratulations on your 2 year old daughter!
I'm sure you are VERY proud of your husband for what he does.
Your mom sounds like a wonderful person for all that she does.
I wish your family the best and let me know what you find out.
J.,
Your father is disabled, however more than physical...he does not need to move out....your brother is 20 and an adult....you don't mention how old the mother (girlfriend) is or if she works.....they started their family and now it is time for them to grow....you need to have a talk with your mother and let her know your feelings and those of your father. Your parents needs to inform your brother that come December 1, 2008 they (your brother, girlfriend, and baby) will be moving and that they need to save their $$$ for an apartment.No explantion is needed....if they wanted to start a family they should have planned for a place to live as well.
Apparently you are the adult and you handle the situtation as such....the children need to be informed of the rules and what the consequences there are as a result of their actions. Look out for your father & mothers best interest; find something to keep your father busy and allow him to change roles with your mother...show him how to good, laundry, etc...you will surprised how productive he can be...even going to the grocery store helps, so when you mother comes home there is quality time for them....
As far as your brother, which parent approved him moving his family in? This should be the person who asks him to leave...the statement is the time has come for you to make your own home and start providing for your family....if your brother is forced to grow into the person parents hopes he is, he just might!
Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!
It's hard when you family is going through so much stress. But it sounds like you are really on the outside of all of this. This is your parent's problem, in that your brother and gang are staying in their home. I suspect this is not the first time your parents disagreed about how to handle something. They need to figure it out, and there is nothing you can do but offer support and kindness. Stay out of the middle. Adding your two cents will only cause more division. Encouraging counseling is a good idea, but if they do not want to go, then it probably is not helpful to continue to suggest it. Let it go. Keep in touch with them, and offer whatever warmth, encouragement and kindness you can, but don't get sucked into trying to figure out how to fix this mess. It's not your mess to fix. Stay strong!
Tight spot! Even if your Dad and Mom were not having issues...your brother and his girlfriend need to be on their way. Now having a newborn is so challenging! It is a great gift that your mom has been there to help, but do they have a plan to get out? Did they ever have a plan to get out? They need to be encouraged by someone they will listen to to have plans to get out and experience the reality they have created.
They need to be making steps to get out.
You can not force your mom and dad back together. They will have to work things out together..or alone. This may have happened even if your brother and family had not moved in.
Your parents need to set limits with them and inforce them. You should express how you feel in a tactful way. And it is your chioce wether you want to tke on any more than that.
I have two sons 20 and 19 and I know by experience that if they are not expected to take on any responsibility they won't yet they will claim they are men and can do whatever they want. If your mom wants him to be a good dad and someday husband then now is the time to make him be responsible. I think if they live with them they need to pay rent, chip in with groceries, do their own laundry, clean, pitch in with cooking etc... I know where your mom is coming from...if she's been a mom all her life this is making her feel important and necessary. But she would do well to fulfill those needs outside of catering to your brother. She could/should cater to your dad...that would probably make him feel special again...I hope they work things out and that the solution is not for him to move out. He needs to put his foot down in his home and tell them how it's going to be. Try not to be bitter or angry towards any of them it really is all about cause and affect, and it only takes one person to realize there needs to be change and then implement that change. I guess if your brother doesn't like having to take responsibility he should have thought of that before he got his girlfriend pregnant because like it or not he is now responsible...he just needs to be made to act like it!
Your brother and his girlfriend need to get out of that house. Your mom needs to take care of your father not your brother. You are wise to seek council. My recommendation is that you get your mom and dad alone and lay out that their marriage is what is important set your mom's priorities straight. If your mom doesn't respond then help your dad get in a situation that will help him to be as healthy as he can be. Your brother and his girlfriend are out of control and need to get their act together.
Let me preface this by saying a HUGE "Thank you" to your husband for his service to our country (and to you too). My husband is a former Ntl Guardsman, and was in Iraq 2003-2004.
Now, you need to shake some sense into your brother! Obviously, no one else is going to say anything to him and his girlfriend, so you might just have to do it. Especially if it's going to split up a marriage!! That's just not right!
And since it's your brother, you don't really have to mince words - just tell him straight up, if him and girlfriend are going to live there for free, they need to help out more. Let him know what's going on with dad - tell him he's considering moving out. It's going to have to be laid out for him in no uncertain terms that his and his girlfriend's behavior is unacceptable.
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I know in a situation that your in you can pick your battles. Don't try to help everyone becuase you'll end up over worked. Just see if you could talk to your brother and his girlfriend, try to make them understand.
That is all I have, I hope it all works out. Remember to pray.
And also thank you and husband for what he is doing for this country.
