Frustrated 19 Month Old

I am going to echo the sign language recommendation and the book "Parenting with Love and Logic".

As the book says, when kids throw fits, I know it is not easy, but stay calm. She will learn that when life is frustrating, if you stay calm you can fix it faster.

If she is not ready to talk, you calmly explain that when she is ready to talk you will listen. You can leave the room, put her in her crib or in "calm down/time out" spot until she is ready.

I have a 2 year old and use these method's daily. When I ignore the tantrum, it ends a lot faster.

Good luck.

I didn't have my kids at that age (they're adopted), but I've heard that baby signing will help them communicate better.

Hi B.,

Ahhh, it sounds like Emme has taken over your home. Dr. Phil says our family dynamics is very similar to wolves...one in charge and the rest are submissive to her. You and your husband both need to take over your home again...especially since you're pregnant.

One of the things you could try is speak softly (even when you want to screem). She'll know that you are talking to her and she'll eventually give up and be quiet so she can hear what you are saying.

Another thing is sign language. My daughter taught both of her kids with very basic words that will help her know what they are needing. Her one year old has developed so fast that she has passed up her big brother (4).

Here are a couple websites that you can checkout and learn the basics. http://www.mybabycantalk.com and http://www.signingbaby.com/main/

Good luck...wish I could be more helpfull.

W. Q

My daughter is now 28 months and the language barrier is still there. We did use signing and it helped a lot when she was younger and had basic requests. Now that she speaks in complete sentences, signing has lost some of its usefullness. We still experience times when her pronounciation gets the better of us and we can't figure out exactly what she wants so I will ask her to show mommy. This seems to satisify her most of the time. We also stop temper tantrums by telling her that we can't understand her when she yells, screams or cries and her desire to be understood usually overcomes her anger enough for her to calm down and speak to us. Granted this doesn't always work, especially when we have had to tell her no to something she wants but as a general rule she just wants to be understood and gets frustrated when things aren't going her way.
Don't get me wrong there are times for talking and times for action. A swat now and then for doing things that are dangerous to her or her baby brother are not uncommon and usually have the desired effect for a while. I also agree with what someone else posted though. If we tell her NOT to do something, she often times does it but change your phrasing to a positive it generally works better. For example "don't throw" is usually followed by being hit with the object as it flies through the air, which then leads to some sort of scolding...BUT if we catch her quickly enough and say "HAND it to me" she usually does and we can avoid another conflict. This is easier said than done though because some concepts are difficult to turn in to a positive...like don't touch that knife, it's sharp.... We explain that we don't want her to get hurt and all but sometimes a swat on the rear is better than a sliced off finger. And I don't believe in completely sheltering her by removing all potential dangers, for two reasons 1) she should be aware of danger not sheltered completely from it so that as she grows up and encounters it away from our home she is prepared 2) I don't think that the child should completely rule the house and by talioring everything to them, they are in essence, the ones in charge. There are rules and reasons for them and all of us have had to learn them as children.

Please go to the library or book store and read up on some parenting tips. Anytime I feel like I am losing control of my boys I read, read, read. I read from several different sources and pick the ideas I like. I am more from the "attachment parenting" side, so I don't have any suggestions I think you would be interested in.

I have heard good things about "Love and Logic". They have a web site www.loveandlogic.com
I plan on checking out on of the books next time I go to the library. I know a wide range of mothers that like the book, not just us attachment people. Good luck.

Hi B., I just found a website last week from a previous question on Mamasource. It is "www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com". I know it sounds weird, but the routine that I now follow has been amazing for my 3 and 2-year-olds! It's definitely worth a try. Time-consuming, but minimal spanking is involved. Good luck!

I had to laugh when I read this, because I am going through the exact same thing! My son is also 19 months old, and he is above the norm in his cognitive development. He has close to 70 words, but he still gets frustrated over things that he wants. I have recently started giving him time outs, and it has made a huge difference. Since he knows what he is doing is unacceptable, he has figured out that there are consequences for his actions.

When he does something he shouldn't (like stand on his desk,) I tell him to get down. If he doesn't listen, I give him one more chance and tell him if he doesn't listen to Mommy he is going to get a time out. If he still doesn't listen, I take him in the corner, sit him down (you have to hold him there or else he will try to get up,) and I keep him there for a minute and a half. I don't talk to him during this time. They say time should be equivalent to age. When the minute and a half is up, I explain to him why he had the time out, I ask him for a kiss, and then I let him go back to what he was doing. He never repeats the behavior...not that day at least! Hope this helps. And remember...the terrible twos usually come before age 2! Good luck.

Sometimes I've found that getting down on their level is WAY more effective than shouting (I have a 5yo and 15 mo-old). Sometimes you have to walk over to them, make eye contact, and talk in a firm voice. Shouting will only lead to THEM shouting later. A few weeks of getting down with them, and you can go back to talking to them from across the room.

Above all, you really need to have respect for your child (yes, even at age 2). This doesn't mean that they get an equal say in what happens, but just that you should try to understand where they're coming from. Treat them like the human beings they are-- Too many people treat their kids like pets-- just a little creature that they want to be obedient. You're laying the foundation for how they're going to treat you (and others) later. Show respect for them, and they'll show respect for you.

Hi B.,

First let me tell you this is probably a growing phase. My daughter was so fun and sweet until she hit a year and a half and then the war seemed to be on. My husband and I would often say what happened to our sweet little girl?
One thing we did was take her to Baby signs class. It taught us all simple hand signs to make to help her communicate with us what she wanted or needed. It was amazing how much calmer things got when we were able to not only understand her, but for her to be able to "tell" us what she wanted. She is now two and her vocabulary is amazing. Our W.I.C office is where the classes are offered in our area. If you are interested you could contact your health department or even DHS to find out if they offer them in your area.

You are right though. You cannot reason with a child that small. They don't have the capacity to understand reasoning. As far as yelling, I understand raising your voice to "get their attention". Talking in a quiet sweet tone doesn't quite do it for us when Zoe is having a coniption. I talk to my daughter in a stern strong voice when she is misbehaving beyond....the norm. She knows Mamma means business and I can watch her face as she contimplates whether it is worth it to keep doing what she is doing or to do what Mamma says. However, please don't make the same mistake I did when my son who is now 16 was a toddler. My parents were screamers. I became a screamer. And I didn't realize the affect of it until my son was older and recalled those times and I became aware of how he feared me and was intimidated by me because of it. That is the last thing I want my kids to be is fearful and intimidated by their own parent. I know raising your voice and screaming are two different things, but when frustration surrounds you one can lead to the other. Now unfortunately I see my son doing the same thing when he feels like he isn't being heard. I catch myself with my daughter now and have to be very cautious of allowing it to turn from a stern voice into a screaming banchee. LOL

Just be persistent in your discipline with her. If you make threats like timeout or taking something from her then follow through with the threat. Otherwise, she gets the upper hand.

They do eventually grow out of this. But by the time your daughter returns to her sweet little self, your baby #2 will be reaching that "why did I become a mommy" phase. I think that is why my kids are 13 years apart:-)

Prayers of patience being sent your way!
Beth

I highly recommend the Baby Sign books or any other brand of signing books. They are super easy to teach. Just pick out a few words at a time, and use the signs regularly. At her age, she'll learn them quickly. It's great for everyday things that you know she wants to tell you like, play, eat, drink, diaper, book, etc. As you progress you can learn signs for more specific things, like milk, juice, cookie.

My two year old is very delayed verbally, and using baby signs is a lifesaver for us. Using them actually helps children to learn the verbal words better.

COmmunicating better will help to ease her frustrations. As far as her behavior, just remember that she is behaving appropriately for a toddler. All you can do is keep guiding her to do the right things and chose your battles wisely. If she's not going to hurt herself or someone/something else, think again if you really want to fight about it.

Try helping her explain why she's frustrated. My son is 22 months. He talks a lot now, but before he did, we used sign language. It helped him tell us what he wanted. You'll just have to experiment to see what works for your daughter. With Jake, I get a better response if I talk quieter, then he has to stop & listen to what I'm asking him & we figure out what he wants... usually. Some things are just hard for a toddler to explain. good luck!

Has the doctor checked her hearing? Might be a place to start. I learned the hard way, with a strong willed one of my own. If you raise your voice when they raise theirs it makes it worse. As frustrating as it is - keep your voice at a moderate pleasant level when correcting her behavior. Yeah I know easier said then done but it actually will get better results. My youngest strong willed one is 14years old. And keeping my cool when I want to scream still works better. When I do lose it - he reminds me (lol) that we aren't supposed to yell at each other. Good luck.

I understand the frustration when dealing with a strong-willed little girl. Recently I have incorporated the "naughty chair" (you may have heard of it if you have ever watched Super Nanny) and it really works. You have to be consistent and more strong willed than her, but it works. All I have to do now is mention the "naughty chair" and my little girl starts listening to me. The concept is you first give a warning and let them know if they don't stop they will be sitting in the naughty chair. If they don't stop, you take them immediately to the chair and sit them on it. (it can be a stair, a corner - whatever works in your house) They will probably get up the first time and you just put them back on it without saying anything to them. They sit there for one minute per year of age ( 2 year old-2 min). Everytime you have to put them back on it, the timer resets.

The first time I did this I had to put her on it several times, but she did eventually stay there. We haven't had to use this a lot because she really didn't like it. I am not a big fan of spanking so this is a nice alternative. And when we are out in public I tell her I can still find a naughty chair. Just explain the rules before you implement it and stay steady - you can outlast her.

By the way, I used to raise my voice a lot and it drove me crazy. It only made me madder and her more frustrated. So now every morning I wake up and tell myself I am not going to yell today. I know it sounds crazy, but it has helped me curb my yelling.

I hope some of this helps. Don't forget to breathe....:)

THe best piece of advice I got and used when my kids were that age was to tell them what "to do" then praise them for doing the right thing. When they climbed on the table, I told them to "put their feet on the floor." When they threw a toy I told them to "put it on the table." When they did it, I cheered. When I would tell them "don't throw" or "don't climb" they continued to do what they were doing. Someone told me that kids just hear the last part of what you say. So, all they were hearing was "climb" or "throw." Kids also create pictures in their head of what you're telling them. A picture of "put your feet on the floor" is much easier for a toddler to see than a picture of "don't climb." It was a slow process, but they got it, and it's a great skill I learned and still use with them now (they're 4, 5 and 7). Try to keep your sanity. That was one of the hardest times, but as long as your consistent, she'll get it.