Friends or Not?

Updated on August 16, 2011
C.S. asks from San Diego, CA
18 answers

I have a friend that I have known for years. She frequently cancels plans (to meet, invites etc)
Also the rare times we meet, she usually comments on my clothes, weight etc mostly negatively.
I have limited contact with her but she doesn't let the friendship go - calling etc.
Our husbands get along well but they don't meet unless the whole family does. I am confused as to
whether let the friendship be or just cut it down completely?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for the replies. She was not at all like that when we became friends and that was before she had kids. I don't know what happened after kids, she just got so insecure. Anyway I have waited 4 years for her to come around and have given her many chances. I think its time to let it go now. My DH is fine with whatever decision I make and whatever makes me comfortable.

Featured Answers


answers from New York on

just weed her out, doesn't need a big scene. Don't call her. Let her calls go to voicemail. Leave it alone and it will wither away...

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

She doesn't sound like a friend to me. I think you know the answer, or you would not have asked the question. So sorry, but it is probably time to let this one go. : (

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers



answers from San Luis Obispo on

You've just described frenemy... a friend who chooses to be an enemy. Would you want YOUR child to have a friend like this? If not, move on. There are many more women out there that can be a 'true blue' for you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I had a friend sort of like this, mostly I always left our lunch dates feeling pretty crappy about myself and life. I should have just let her go as a friend. She had a large freak out on me last year (she was kind of unstable, and I knew that) and we haven't talked since, but I wish it had been sooner. It sounds like she isn't the kind of friend you need or want.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

She obviously isn't a friend. For whatever reason, she thinks you are beneath her. She needs you around to tear down so she can feel better about herself.

Don't cut it out completely. Just don't meet with her by yourself. See her on family outings, limit your conversations with her and only engage her when your husband can participate in the conversation. That way he can be a witness if she is being rude and if you defend yourself you'll have backup.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Obviously - you have the answer...she's not your friend...

A friend does NOT:
cancel plans frequently
make negative comments on weight or clothes

CUT IT OUT COMPLETELY!!! You don't need dead weight like that in your life...if she wises up and asks WHY tell her the truth - you are too negative for my tastes and when I have plans I keep them. I need a friend not a dead weight.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I have a long time friend who became too busy with her own life and started contacting me only when she needed favors, and whenever I contacted her just to catch up she needed a favor again. Now I don't return any of her calls, I don't like feeling used.
It's okay to let a friendship go, especially when it becomes more one sided.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Sounds like it's time to say, "bye bye". Just stop answering her phone calls.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Saying good bye to this friendship will be a gift you give to yourself. Use your energy to focus on you and be as happy as you can be even if you are along for a time and get the negative energy out of your life. Friends will come that will be able to lift you and recognize the prize friendship they have found. Just start by not returning phone call and having other plans and she will get the point. Go get your cheering crowd.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Hello, I had a neighbor who was just like this person. I asked myself one day, "Why do you put up with that?" It changed my relationship with her. I asked my daughter-in-law a few years ago if her friends were people who lift her up or do they drag her down? Friends don't do or say hurtful things. It could be because she has a bad self-image and telling you these things makes her feel better. I just can't imagine doing or saying anything mean to anyone. I recently lost a friend whom I had known for almost 40 years. In all of those years, we never said or did anything hurtful to each other. That is what made us such good friends. I think, if you are coming away feeling "less than", you should distance yourself from this person. You don't deserve this.
Good luck.
K. K.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

I agree with Leah.

She sounds like a hag, you dont need her.



answers from Los Angeles on

sorry you have a friend that has walls up. Sounds like she won't let you in and keeps you at a distance when she only needs you just to sound off. I think your husband would understand if you let her go because husbands usually make friends through us mamas so he probably won't care. If you ask your self, is it worth it to bring up a conversation about how she treats me or just ignore her calls, what will be better for you?



answers from Dallas on

She's not a friend, she's an acquaintance, and not a particularly nice one. Don't go out of your way at all for her, and be polite when you're around each other. Don't make plans with her, and have something else to do if she tries to make plans with you. Time is too precious to waste it on people that don't appreciate it.



answers from Cleveland on

I am in the same boat. Friends for YEARS MOH in each other's weddings, been through alot together etc. But I never see her!! I have a party get together or whatever, she either says no for some lame reason or strings me along to the last minute then says no. If she does say yes, she cancels at the last minute, with a lame excuse.
But she calls all the time! And she invites us somewhere, she won't take no for answer, or has a smart a$$ comment about it. I'm pretty fed up. And I think she finally knows it, because she hasn't called in awhile. And I'm fine with it. She finds time to see other people, people who live 45 minutes away....So I feel like why bother? While I miss our friendship it's changed. And I really don't want a "phone friend" I have small kids, I can't chat on the phone for an hour a day everyday!
If it's feeling one sided, I'd let it go. Either she comes around or she doesn't!



answers from Oklahoma City on

I would not call her, if she calls and wants a favor I'd be busy with something that cannot be rearranged. If she wants to get together then make the plans and forget to show up. She'll get the message or ask what is going on and you can tell her your experiences of similar activities with her.



answers from Anchorage on

You have to do what feels right for you, and I would also talk to your SO about it, and how he will feel possibly losing his friend in the deal.



answers from Phoenix on

I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be tolerating that type of treatment from anyone. If your DH wants to be friends with her DH, then that's fine, but you shouldn't be forced to spend time with someone who treats you like garbage. I would expect my DH to back me up on something like this.

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