Four Year Old Acts Out in School

the problem as I see it, is, she is not doing IT! She is doing too much, working, volunteering, school board and 3 other kids. This child is angry and in great need of attention from his mommy and daddy. I have been in child care for 19 years. My best friend is a kindergarten teacher for 30 years. she can identify kids raised in pre-schools the first 2 weeks she has them in K, based on their behavior which is exactly what you described in this little boy. She needs to give up the volunteering and pay a lot of attention to this little guy. He will be grown all too soon!

Sometimes, the youngest one can feel lost in the shuffle.. and his Mommy is busy.
Next, kids this age do do these things... but if it is a problem whereby the school is also taking note and having talks with the Parents, then it could be a case of his behavior is indeed more pronounced than kids normally, at this age.

Discipline... does not work across the board for all kids. Some kids need a different kind of approach.
I found the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" to be very enlightening. AND for adults too. Perhaps, this boy needs help with expressing himself and gets frustrated, thus he acts out? "Frustration" is at the core for many kids... and at this very young age.. they cannot know how to handle it. "Coping skills" at this age, is nil. Thus they also act out. It is per their age and development. No matter how "smart" a child is... they are still a child... and they don't "automatically" know how to "cope" with life's challenges.

His other siblings meanwhile, are quite a few years older... thus, he probably can't relate to them or have any playmates... that is tangible enough for him and on his same level. They are not on par with him. And sometimes, when we have older children and then a younger one, we "expect" the younger one to just fall in line... and "know" the routine and follow along. But it ain't so. Youngest kids, also get tired of having to follow along... and tagging along or not having their own time among the hussle and bussle.

There is also a great book called "Your 4 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com ALthough written years ago, it is very pertinent and describes a child per each age juncture and what they are going through.

Sometimes too, kids this young or older, just copies what others do to them... because they are frustrated and don't know any better.

Discipline is not enough for some kids. For my eldest daughter... its not. We teach and discipline (which is NOT the same as "punishment" or denial of something, or an "if-then" logic). For my girl... who is very cerebral and feeling & expressive AND spirited and articulate... we always get the BEST results with her when we INCLUDE her in the "lesson" we are teaching her AND talk about it, explaining very FAIRLY what she is not allowed to do... and what we expect from her... and why. We don't talk "at" her.
Always stating expectations and rationally, and the consequences... then the child knows they are not just being disciplined just because Mommy is "grumpy" for example or "fed up" with normal everyday kid stuff, or that the parent is impatient AMIDST their own "adult" commitments.... ie: for my Daughter, she gets more "fussy/frustrated" when me or Daddy are SO BUSY! She gets so irked... because then she IS lost in the shuffle and we as the Parents are "assuming" that because she is so "smart" and mature... that she can wait it out like an Adult and manage herself (like an adult)... but she is ONLY a child. So as her Mommy... I have to really kick myself in the rear.... and remind myself that she is only a child, and being "busy" is not fair to a child... to a certain extent that it can be helped.
My daughter on a couple of occasions even told me "MOMMY I am only a KID... don't expect me to act like a grown-up!!!!" And yes, that was my bad. SHE was RIGHT on. I needed that kick in the brain from her. But I did not deem her to be a bad naughty girl... but enlightening. If we REALLY look at our kids and observe them, even in the midst of a tantrum... we will KNOW what is bugging them and why... and LEARN from THEM what they need or are missing and what we are not doing for them.

The moral (at least for me): that Parents... can definitely be the "cause" of "WHY" a kid acts out like that. It is not just them acting in a vacuum. It is in an INTERaction... of circumstances and dynamics.

Also, if a kid is always talked about as being a pest/troublemaker etc., then they will be one. Parents tend to talk about their kid in these terms when the kid is right there next to them LISTENING to their conversation... as though the kid is invisible and does not understand "who" they are talking about in this manner. Kids overhear things... it can hurt their feelings or leave them feeling misunderstood... just a thought.
Once I was talking about my daughter (about something just trivial but irritating) and she tells me "MOMMY, I'm RIGHT here.. HELLO! I can hear you! What ab out my opinion too?" Um yah, how rude of me and not nice and disrespectful. But parents do that all the time.

Maybe your friend's son is acting out in school because of stuff IN school... or, it can just be a "displaced" frustration from home or in his life in general. Many kids, act out in school... but the source of the frustration is not from school. Or it could be.
Has anyone just tried and Talked WITH him about it? Seeing what he says or how he feels? And, does he really have time with Mommy? And, for any child, and a boy... having a Daddy time is mega important too. Maybe he needs that too.

All the best, sorry for rambling, just what works for my kids,
Susan

Stop doing so much other stuff during his non-school time and spend more time with your 4 yr old. I feel he is getting the short end of the stick and it is showing.

There are emotions behind his behavior that he is not able to express in any other way. He wants attention and will take it anyway he can get it.

I have one kid and a full time job. If I did all of that other stuff, I would be neglecting him emotionally. Let alone add the needs of 3 other kids into the mix.

has she tried hugging it out? when my son acts up i tell him to come to me and we hug and i tell him i understand how frustrated he gets and lets just hug and talk...it works! if u hit a child they just hit back..and u teach them to hit..maybe his siblings are hitting him...maybe he needs more hugs..i know it sounds hokey...but i tell u it works! i also bought a book called Hands Are Not For Hitting for my son and i read it to him a lot..and i tell him the title when he starts to hit..
well hope this helps

D.

A., first and foremost, remind her that she is the parent, she sets the guidelines. Parenting her children is far more effective then disciplining (if you are using the term as something negative) the term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so remind her to PRACTICE being the parent she wants to be. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. The parent is the guide, the role model, the final decision.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. State in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

A., remind her to teach him daily...yes daily...things will not change without constant reminders.

And if you think they don’t need to be reminded daily, just take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. We all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach

Hi A.,

There is no such thing as 'bad' behavior. When kids act out they do so as a way to communicate to us that there is something wrong. Your friends son is trying to tell her something.

Aggressive behavior is an expression of frustration as well as a way to have power. Little kids feel very powerless in this world and, when they are not given opportunities to have power, they take it by acting out. It is also a means for getting attention. It sounds as if your friend has a lot on her plate. I wonder if her son is getting the attention he needs from her.

When kids misbehave we like to think that the problem is theirs or that they have 'acting out issues'. I encourage parents to welcome this kind of behavior as an opportunity. Kids don't have the vocabulary or the insight to articulate why they are upset. That's our job. Acting out is their way of telling us to get to work.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I read the other responses before deciding to write anything. First please be very careful what you are sharing with your friend. A lot of the responses were harsh and she does not need to hear any of that right now. Only she can decide if she needs to cut things back to have more time with her son. Second, a lot of people said it was time which might play into it but we went through this just recently with our son. It started in preschool then we thought it was handled but it was not. The preschool was "bandaiding" the issue not resolving it. Kindergarten started and the behavior BLEW up badly. We also have rules and expectations for behavior like you said your friend does so it was not for lack of time or parenting. We then started testing and finally had a neuro psychologist do extensive testing. She discovered some processing issues combined with a regulation disordered (something close to ADHD) and a strongly suspected learning disability that we will keep an eye on as he gets older. I do agree with the person who said he is trying to tell everyone something through his behavior. The other place to consider having an evaluation is with an Occupational Therapist. I can't say strongly enough how much I would encourage her to look into the problem now. There is so much that can be done to help him at this early age prior to Kindergarten. Our son is doing SO MUCH better since we got him some help. His whole personality has changed for the better. He is much happier and more relaxed.

Hello, I have an idea that may or may not work. I would tell him that because he is hurting other children and making them sad he will not be able to go to school. I would then keep him out of school for a day or two. I realize that this might not be a possibility since she is working, but I would try it. I would also not make it a real fun day staying home.
Good luck with your precious family and her with hers.
K. K.

Hi A., You mentioned a lot of things she is doing, and maybe that's the problem, her other 3 are alot older and she is very bussy, he my be acting out for attention. We can be the best mom's in the world, but if our schedules are over packed it does sometimes spill over to the children, they don't know to express their needs, so is comes out in bad behavior. J. L.

Child and mom need good fats. Cod liver oil will help right away. A good one is green pastures you can get online. No fast foods and start cooking with coconut oil, (non hydrogenated).M. NTP

I don't know if this child is mature enough for this tactic, but it has worked for older children. Get him a timer or a stop watch. Also, give him stickers and a card for each segment of time at pre-school, if that is where his problems are. (His pre-school teachers will have to cooperate). Ask him to set his timer for a short number of minutes -- maybe 5 or 10 at most for this age, and if he gets through the time period without touching another child by kicking, pushing, shoving, pinching, etc, he puts a sticker on his card. He earns treats or privileges, but chiefly praise for the number of stickers on his card. For instance, an hour of 10 minute segments would carry a possibility of six stickers. The idea with children is to encourage them to take responsibility for their own actions, and then to self acknowledge as well as receive praise for taking this responsibility. It does take a lot of supervision from adults, especially for a young child, but it might be worth a try.

I would tell her to get an assessment from the preschool assessment team in her school district to rule out any developmental problems which may interfere with his learning. He can experience problems that have nothing to do with his academic level or intellegence.

Best of luck,
J.