Hi, Supernanny is my hero. Now if I could only get her to my house to help me and my husband correct our 5 year old daughter's behavior. She screams, she kicks, she destroys things, she picks on her older sister, & baby brother. I've tried the "naughty spot." She won't stay put. My husband and I have spent hours chasing her around the house to put her back in her naughty spot. I take things away from her, I reward her for good behavior. She has a nasty temper and we are at our wits end. My older daughter taunts her sister and it often triggers bad behavior. She is a very, very stong willed child. She's doing extremely well in school and her teachers and other parents have commented how well behaved she is. I tell everyone that she is a different child at home. When we tell her to stop doing something, she moves on to doing something else that we don't want her to do. Any ideas? Please don't suggest spanking. Tried it but it makes it worse and we feel like pond scum for doing it anyway. Any ideas will be extremely helpful. Our last ditch effort is to see if we can really get the Supernanny to our house. That would be something else!
Thank you all so much for all of your advice, suggestions, encouragement, and support. I have tried some of the techniques offered but have yet to get a handle on the situation. I know, patience and consistency are keys to improvement so I will not give up. I will never give up.
when my children were young (and misbehaving) I heard a doctor on the radio say, just ignore them, they are looking for attention. IT WORKED, but ALWAYS tell them you love them, and praise them when they are good.
T.,
I had a wonderful, long, detailed email typed for you that just needed finishing touches when my beloved husband accidentally deleted it.
The best thing I wanted to share with you is...
Don't wait for Super Nanny, become the Super Mom that you already are. Just writing this shows how much you love your daughter and want the best for her.
Get someone to help with your other children while your daughter is at school. Create the charts just like Super Nanny does:
1) A rule chart that list things that she does at home that are not exceptable at home and the punishment. Even if it is 1 minute time out for the small rules that are broken and 3 minutes for the large rules that are broken. Purchase a kitchen timer that you can set for her when she starts time out so that she is able to see how long. You will either have to sit with her for the minute(s) ensuring she stays there or use the idea of putting her in her room after you have taken toys out.
2) A timeline chart so that it gives her the structure she thrives on at school that also keeps her a calm and happy child. This chart should let her see what she will be doing each day once she arrives home from school.
Be creative with the charts - You might use little pictures of clocks set for the appropriate time.
When she arrives home from school make sure it is just you and her in the house and there are NO distractions. Explain the charts to her, hang them up, and be ready to enforce. The worst thing you can do is not be consistent - It is her "job" as a child to try to wear you down so that you will give in. The moment you do she has won and the next time will be even harder. Remember that you are strong, you can do this!
Hi T.! I am at work and do not have alot of time but I had to write you. I totally agree with Super Nanny! I desperately need her too. I am going to call but just have not had the time! I can relate to you for sure but mine is almost 9 and is a boy! I actually am beyond my wits end. I am ready to walk away but of course would never. I cry all the time and feel horrible as a parent. I have tried charts, time out, loss or privelege, awards for good behavior and even the spanking. None of it works. Sometimes I think we really need someone else to help us. Some children are sent to us with very challenging personalities and reaching out to others is all we can do. The one thing I notice with my son is that if I can give him direct 1 - 1 time he is better. It is hard to do as I have a 15 year old and a 5 month old and am recently a single mom. he also does well when I can keep him engaged with something. The more free time and unstructured time he has, the wrose the behvaior. He does everything your daughter does plus more and he is almost 9!! I am not sure if I helped you at all but I wanted you to know you are not alone!! I hope things improve and I encourage the call to Super Nanny! The will not come to an area until 5 families reach out to them. I called 2 years ago and this is what I was told. Good Luck!!
Dear T. B,
Is there a rivalry issue with your 5yr old? Does she feel left out with not enough attention from both you and your husband. The oldest is the child to set examples to the younger child or children. The baby gets alot of attention cause he's a baby. Maybe there is some resentment from your 5 yr old. Maybe take her out on a special outing with you and your husband. Make her feel special.
Make projects at home with her that she loves to do. Quality time might work too. Make cupcakes, cookies for daddy for Valentine's Day.
I hope I helped some.
Good Luck and keep me posted.
Sincerely,
G. H
My five 1/2 year old is my oldest so she is pretty good in and out of the house compared to the two year old. I'd try reasoning with th e five year old. I have reached my oldest about many behavioral problems just by giving her an explanation for what she actually does when she misbehaves. I'll probably forget this solution (reasoning, that is) even exists by the time my youngest is 5 but there's hope. Give it a try. And even though I do believe in spanking, they seem to get like a raw hide by that age and spending the time, heart-to-heart talking to them seems to work a whole lot better, anyways. God be with you. Keep trying.
Hi T.,
I've helped several of my friends with disciplining their children (at their request, I would never offer my opinion unsolicited) so here goes.
Most importantly you need to remember that you are the parent and she is the child. You have to truly believe that you are in control in order for her to beleive it. Sometimes parents just relinquish control to the children, not intentionally but it happens.
Next thing to remember, your daughter knows what she is doing. If she is well behaved at school then acts out at home, then she is looking for something from you. She is looking for limits. The limits are set at school and she is following them, apparently she believes the limits are not set or consistent at home and thats what she wants.
Kids, like all people push until they are pushed back, until they understand or feel the consequences of their actions they will push, this doen't mean they are bad, just human. We all do it, you will push your limits with someone until they push back then you know what the limits are.
Okay, so we've established the problem, how do we fix it...
Rule #1: Stay Calm. If you lose it, then she knows she got to you. Stay calm at all costs.
Rule #2: Take all of the toys out of her room, get one of those hook locks for the outside of the door and when she is in a timeout, lock her in her room. If she breaks, destroys things, well she will have to live with them broken...do not fix or replace them...at least in the short term.
Rule #3 Remember rule #1, stay calm. You are in control. She can't hurt herself, she is safe in her room, she will be really pissed and cry and scream etc but you will see a change within a matter of days. And it will give you the sense of control that you need. She needs to understand that certain behavior is not acceptable and it only gets harder the older they get.
And guess what, this is what she wants. She is begging you to set limits for her. And she will be a happier child for it. You are helping her in the long run even though it may be hard in the short run.
If you want to email me with questions, my email is ____@____.com luck, stay calm and believe in yourself.
A.
I second the vote for 1-2-3 Magic
the other book sounds good, too!
If your daughter has a guidance counselor at school, go ahead & make an appointment. After meeting with the counselor, perhaps s/he can then bring in your daughter to join you. Maybe even invite the teacher. Maybe her seeing her 'home' in her 'school' will encourage her to behave at home...
Hello T.,
My name is S., I have 2 wonderful sons (12 and 5); we live in Florida. Your problem is the one that lots of parents experience with children and this was my fear also when my sons were toddlers (afraid to start a bad pattern and loose control of the situation). I have seen friends and familiy dealing with those issues and I certainly didn't want to deal with it myself. The pattern that I have seen is that the child will behave in a bad way to get attention, especially if he or she sees that you are emotional about it (get angry, etc... Reading your message, it seems that you guys are reacting each time something is up with her, and I think she loves it. I think this is a mistake. Ignorance is the worst behavior you can demonstrate in those cases, she is going to hate you not reacting to her bad behaviors. Bad behavior doesn't deserve attention. I bet you that she will stop after a while. The "naughty corner" is a game for her. Find something else that she really likes and take it away from her each time she deserves to be punished; do it calmly, without emotion. Just tell her why you are punishing her.
Never get angry,just tell her calmly that her behavior is unacceptable and that it doesn't deserve any attention. Then move on. She can scream, break her toys, be on the floor...keep ignoring her until she calms down and has decided to change the behavior. I think you'll see some changes. It is important that she sees the strengh in you,it is what she needs. She needs to know what is right from wrong, and she hasn't learned this yet; that is why she is "pushing your buttons". Let me know how it goes!
I really like the book, "How to make your child mind without losing yours." It's a quick read! The author is great too so once you read that one you might be inspired to read the other books as well.
I used to do behavior modification consulting and one of the key things is for you to commit to whatever strategy you select for 21 days before changing to something new. It takes 21 days to form or break most habits. A lot of parents get frustrated with what they are trying and immediately switch up how they are going to do it or they select a strategy but only use it selectively. I'm sure you've heard how the key with real estate is location, location, location...well the key with discipline is consistency, consistency, consistency. Also, mean what you say. For example if she displays an undesirable behavior always start with one warning (unless she is endangering herself or another) and in the warning tell her the consequence of continuing the behavior (eventually the goal is for her to know the consequence without you even telling her). I.e. If you tell her that if she hits her sister again that she won't be going to her friends bday party this weekend, you have to be prepared to follow through with that. A lot of times parents give empty consequences and the child learns this quickly. It's hard, but after a while you learn to only say something that you are willing to follow through with. After 3 weeks of this, which will no doubt drain you, she should get the picture. Well, I could go on and on...but I won't...read that book. You'll find it helpful if you believe in positive disciplining.
I am going through this with my 3 1/2 year old and I am reading a good book called "Setting Limitations for your strong-willed child".........Maybe it will help you also?
Hello,
Do not chase her because that is what she wants. Stay put and tell her you will be waiting for her. Also, have you tried the reward system. Charts and marbles work wonders in my house. Positive definately outweighs the negative and the child tries harder. Also, start praising her on the things she does right. Good Luck.
D. Y
A lot of times the middle child feels left out of things at home, there is the baby and the older child is the "grown up" one leaving the middle child to sometimes act out to get your attention. Just an idea, of course, but have you set aside special time for you and her without the others around. Just once a week and you can work on crafts together or have her pick what she wants to do. Also maybe asking her to help you with things for the baby or around the house. Sometimes focusing them on something else and giving them something productive to do will help. I wish you luck!
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish has a lot of tips and general advice that has helped me deal with my strong willed 3.5yo. Also, I don't know if you're telling people "she's not like this at home" in front of her- but try not to. Kids tend to hold onto labels/identities like this and live up to them. Good luck!
T., try a book called 1-2-3 Magic. I really like the method they use; it teaches you how to discipline your child without losing your cool, which I know is really hard to do when the child is being so naughty and disruptive.
It also places the burden of the discipline onto the child; the child actually has control of whether they get disciplined or not, based on their behavior.
I found it on amazon.com, but probably is in the chain bookstores as well...
