Strong Willed Child - Manhattan,KS

There is nothing "fake" about the abusive tactics that are in the book "To Train Up a Child". I have read it, and I was truly, truly sickened.

I agree with Kathy O. I loved the book she suggested too. Love and Logic is great and so is Shepherding a Child's Heart. There are lots of great methods out there!

I just want to tell you to keep strong and to realize there are other mommas out there in your same situation. I to have a very strong willed child (3 year old boy) and there are days I can feel my blood pressure actually raising when having to deal with him. I pray that his strong willedness will follow him into adulthood and he will be a very independent successfully adult because of it.

2 year olds are often frustrated by their lack of communication skills. give them the appropriate words and it will help. also give them a choice: if u say "wash ur hands" and they say no, give them a choice of getting the left hand wet first or the right, them if they still say no ask if they want to use hot water or cold. anything they can make a choice of their own on, makes it easier for them all around, it makes them feel as if they are in control of something. good luck

For us, time outs did work but consistency was key. When we first introduced the naughty corner when our kids were that age, they did try to escape it a number of times and I would have to drag them back to the spot and reset the timer for 2 minutes and repeat the cycle until they stayed in the naughty corner calmly for the full 2-minutes. And my kids knew that there were naughty corners all over the world. They've been to the ones at our local grocery store, Target, parks, friend's homes, wherever. And they also knew that they would never get what they want by throwing a fit. The minute a tantrum started is the minute that they have forfeited getting whatever item or privilege they were wanting. It became an automatic "no" and time out. It took a lot of energy and consistency on my part to do all this but I really do think it has paid off. During times where I was especially stressed by their behavior (I had two children going through the toddler stage at once), I would always tell myself, "I do not negotiate with terrorists." It put everything in perspective and always gave me a little chuckle.

Hope this helps.

My second child was strong willed. "Love and Logic" worked for me.

I have had a lot of success with Shepherding a Child's Heart and the principles outlined in the book. It is biblically based.

Hang in there! Every child is different. That strong willed nature will serve her well later in life if you can help her learn to harness it for good.

I read something on here about how we respond to our children...like if they behave, we tend to call them good boy/girl. Something inside me clicked when they suggested that if our children obey or help us in any way to actually show our appreciation and tell them thank you (actual heartfelt thanks). It has worked wonders for my strong willed 21 month old. She had entered her terrible two's and was driving me nuts. She actually obeys me a lot more now.
Something else I realized was that my most stress came from areas that were not child-proofed to my specific child. She climbs like a monkey and is nosier than Curious George. I have made sure that most of our home is appropriate for her so that I don't have to tell her no as much. That way when I do say it, it tends to be received a little better. We still have our issues, but it is a lot better than it was.
There is also a book by James Dobson called The Strong Willed Child. I read it and it actually helped me some as well. Hope this helped, and sorry if it was long. Good luck!

Oh my....I could have written your post. My kids are the same age difference and same personalities to a T!!

The thing that has worked the best with my little one (who is now 3) is to pull the plug on his frustration by letting him know that I was working really hard to understand him. I would go down on one knee or have him sit in my lap and tell me what was bothering him. I would try to repeat what he had said and we would go back and forth until I finally had it right. Once I knew what his problem was, I could put myself in the position of empathizer. For example, I would tell him that I know how tough it can be to share and that sometimes I don't like to share either. Here's the critical part. I don't say anything else for a while. I just tell him over and over that I understand how he feels. "Mommy knows...mommy knows" over and over until he's calmed down. Once he's calmed down and is in a better mood (i.e. more receptive mood) I then say something like "You know what mommy learned about sharing? I learned that if you share with people then they like to be friends with you and will share their stuff with you too. Then everyone is happy. What do you think about that? Do you think that sharing is a nice thing to do with your friends?" He says or nods "yes" and then I tell him something like "I know you'll do the nice thing with your friends and share, now go have fun."

Of course this doesn't work with everything (nothing works all the time with a strong willed child), so when he refuses to calm down and starts pushing my buttons he gets time-outs. If he's really on a roll then he gets time-out in his room by himself. After that it gets into spanking territory.

The one thing I don't do is negotiate. As I told my husband and my parents regarding my second son....I don't negotiate with terrorists!!

Good luck with your strong willed child....*sigh*...I don't even want to think about when mine is a teenager!

No worries H.. You probably lucked out with your 7 year old. Your 2 year old sounds like a typical 2 year old. My son was this exact same way at that age, as was every other child I've personally ever been around. Terrible twos really ARE terrible. I used time outs with my son. He tried to get out of his as well, but I'd just keep putting him right back in it and starting the time over. It's not too long at that age anyway--2 minutes. You just need to be consistent so she knows you are not going to tolerate whatever behavior she is getting in trouble for. I know you must be extremely tired being 8 months pregnant and it's probably hard for you to lift her. Just keep walking her right back to that time out spot though. Good luck!

I would highly recommend reading Love and Logic for early childhood...worked wonders for us (I have a three year old daughter who is also strong-willed) and i'm also reading Concsious Discpline b/c it's what her preschool is using right now. Structure is VERY important right now and also allowing her to have a little control over her enviroment. Love and Logic is great for helping you learn to provide both (while you're the one ultimately in control). Take a lot of deep breaths and hang in there. It can get better. Good luck!

My daughter is also strong-willed. I love her strength except when it's directed at me. I am the mother and the rules are mine. I will give choices where there are choices. Sometimes the only option is mine. Having said that I also pick my battles. So at 2yrs old, if she wants to wear clothing that doesn't match to school so be it. I came to the realization that her job was to push the rules, my job is to hold them. She needs to know where the limits are. In the long run she will do better knowing where the limits are. So your job is to be consistent and firm everytime (well as every time as possible). The point is if she gets her way sometimes, then she knows if she pushes hard enough sometimes she will get her way. So she might as well push hard every time. This is hard and you feel like you are hitting your head against the wall. It's necessary and eventually it will be better. If you don't set this ground work now, the teenage years will be sooo much worse (when the stakes are so much higher). I remember thinking when my daughter was 5 - I am in so much trouble. She is now 17. It's still hard, but could be so much worse. In the long run I think she will grow up to be a great strong woman. But she is still growing and needs boundaries at two and at seventeen, just different boundaries. Hang in there. Oh also remember they save their worse stuff for you. People will tell me how wonderful my daughter is and I often think they must have her confused with someone else. You're the safe one. You get the majority of the bad behavior. That's why mom's get grey hair.

There are some good books out there on parenting strong willed personalities. As some one said Love and Logic is great. It promotes logical consequences. Using parent guided choices where the child feels she has some control over her environment is good. You didn't give examples but anything that involves restraining a child - car seats, clothes, or diapering can be trigger points for some. Think of her perspective - being two can feel pretty powerless. They don't always have the verbal or social emotional skills to be able to figure it out on their own. I was in the position you were in being pregnant with a strong willed child. Mine are 19 months apart. It was very mentally tiring giving choices but it was much easier than chasing a two year old and getting aggravated with their behavior. First and foremost don't take anything she says personally. Don't feel like you are a bad parent because of the way she acts. You can only control your own behavior and try to guide hers. It will get better as she more verbal and she is better able to figure out different strategies for expressing herself.

Good luck,

J.

I only have 1 child, a 15 yr old VERY strong willed child. My Ob made a comment the day she was born about her being strong willed. She's been that way from day 1.

Please, don't squash this personality trait of her and don't punish her for it. YES, it is very hard at times but in the long run, you may end up with a leader and you will have a child who will stand up for herself.

I am not a believer in spanking and we never did that. Our time outs were taking her favorite things and putting them in time out.

When our daughter was 7 she expressed an interest in martial arts and we went with it. The first school was more of a belt factory (pay your fee, get a belt, etc). We went with a private school, much tougher and she earned her black belt. She learned how to use her strong willed personality in a positive manner. She learned perserverance, respect, etc.

She is now 15, captain of her high school cheer squad, much loved and respected by teachers, very much a leader, and accomplished at playing the violin.

I agree, it is hard but find a way to balance this and direct her personality in a more positive manner. You will be happy in the long run that you don't squash her personality. Many parents choose to do that vs embrace a strong willed child.

I know without a doubt that my child will stand up for herself, defend herself if needed and speak up when she needs to.

Best wishes.