Fighting Sisters

I have the same problem..except mine are 6 & 5. A friend suggested that the older one might be jealous since the younger one probably doesn't get the same rules due to being younger or in trouble as much. What I am doing which is seeming to help is having 1 night each week set aside for the oldest. I have the younger 2 go to bed at their regular time & the oldes gets to stay up with me & she chooses an activity (a movie, making desert, doing beads) & the 2 of us do it together. It is her time to be big with me. It does seem to help for me...I hope it helps you out too!!

Okay, some fighting is to be expected. Yet there should be more positive feelings than negative, and you should help encourage this as best as you can. I myself have an older sister, she is 20 months older than me, and we had tons of fighting growing up, and even now at ages 29 and 30 we still aren't as close as I would like to be. Soooo, I feel the younger daughter's pain!!! =) But the great thing is that you are seeing this problem and trying to resolve it. My parents never did anything. They just stood back and let my sister pick on me. I think there could be a number of things going on. Since I don't know you, please don't take any of this personally - these are just things that come to mind. Maybe I will hit it right on the head but maybe I'll miss a little bit. Nonetheless, this is what I think: The number one reason siblings fight is out of desire for a parent's complete attention. So, maybe your daughter is jealous of her younger sister. After all, she was an only child for 3 years and may resent her sister for taking that away. You should try to spend time with each of your daughters alone. Set a day each week to do something just you and each daughter, something they would like. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing... just an hour for the two of you can make them feel special. You and your husband can take turns doing this. (I'm just assuming your married because it doesn't say.) Kids also pick on each other out of boredom. If there is a lot of uproar about nothing, chances are they are just bored. Turn off the TV and give them work to do, or get them involved in an activity. The worst thing you can do is try to referee, or find out who's at fault. Even if you know it's your oldest, she'll think you're not fair, and the youngest may say, "see, mom loves me best." You have to teach them how to negotiate and work out their differences. You can set them both in a timeout and tell them they can't get up until they can come to agreement. I heard once of a mother who always made her children hug and tell each other they love them. You can try to teach them that sisters love each other and stick up for each other, not put each other down or call names. My guess is that your daughter is feeling jelous of her younger sister for some reason. It's not so important to find out why, because there may not be anything you can do about it anyway... for instance maybe she thinks she's prettier, smarter, etc. So just try your best to make each of them feel special so that neither gets jealous of the other. Best wishes, J.

Hi H., I hope that you are able to get things worked out, but that is always easier said than done. I myself am an older sister (there is 5yrs. between us) and when we were younger I was MEAN to her all the time. I mean, MEAN, physically and emotionally. I couldnt tell you why. My mom spent time with me and all that but I just couldnt resist picking on my sister. I read some of the other responses you got and one really stood out to me. I was an overweight kid and got picked on a lot at school (bullied) and I do believe a lot of it had to do with the fact that I could push her around just b/c i was bigger and older. I am not sure when it happened but as we got older we became friends and it stopped. I know the age she is at now she is not really trying to talk to you and share things with you but see if you can get in her head and see if that is what's going on. If it gets really bad I would even consider contacting her teachers to see if they have noticed anyone giving her a hard time at school or if she acts that way towards others. Not sure if anything I said helps you at all, but rest assured, as we get older we realize that friends come and go, but sisters are there for life. Mine is now truly my best friend. Don't know what I'd do without her.

i really wish i know what to tell you on this. i wish i could give you the answer. but i hope it might ease your mind some knowing that i am encountering the same problem with my children. i have nine year old boy and a five year old girl and he will literally bully her. sorry icouldnt help more.
L.

I have three girls 14, 12, and 10. If they are all together they fight off and on. One minute they are bestfriends the next I hear the distinct scream of a fight. If for some reason only two are together things go great. I think it is just nature and probably hormones for the older girls. They do not always know why they are mean to one another. I usually seperate them when they fight and make them stop anything "fun" they were doing. On the weekend this can include T.V. or the Computer so that really seems to bug them. Once with the younger two were really going at it, I (gently!) tied yarn around their wrists and tied them together. I made them do everything together for the rest of the day( eat, play, watch TV) after a few hours they were ready to get along. I was suprised it did take awhile for them to realize what they needed to do to be seperate. This made me remember they do not always understand the concepts we are trying to get across! Good luck and hang in there.

HI H., well maybe your daughter just needs more attention. Kids thend to look for attention doing bad things. Maybe spending more time one on one. Just you and here for a while, for example if your younger daughter is watching tv or doing her homework like you said when she stays to herself, try to sit with you older daughter and talk to her about what she did in school her friends things she would like to do on the weekend. I dont know maybe try to get to know a little about her life outside the house. Like I said sometimes all they need is a little more attention. If you get to know more about her maybe you'll find something that might be bothering her. Also remember between sisters there will always be conflicts when they are young. I know because it was the same between my brother and I when we where young. But we outgrew those moments. Good luck with your girls and with school Im trying to go back myself.

I think a lot of your older daughters issue is that she is trying to separate herself from being a "baby". She is trying to join the ranks of teens and it can be a tricky time.

With the physical/aggressive issues going on I would monitor her for drug use and also keep a very close tab on her friends and online usage. Get more involved with her schooling and after school activities.

You need to figure out a consequence for her hitting her sister that is actually going to matter to her and stick with it no matter what. You aren't here to be her friend, she has plenty of those I am sure so if you see her hitting your youngest you need to step in.

Do not take "it was her fault" as an excuse but try explaining to your older daughter that no matter what SHE is responsible for her own actions. Give the consequence and let her know next time she is in a situation that "is [her] sister's fault" she needs to ask for help from a parent before taking matters into her own hands or the consequence will be more severe.

Hope this helps some.

T.

i have 2 boys, much younger than your daughters, but my oldest picks on his little brother already. i talked to my mom about it and she said that if i punish the older one too harshly, he may get jealous of the baby and it could get worse. she suggested that i tell him that he can't play with his brother for a certain period of time. your girls are probably so used to being together that this may help.

it may also be that your oldest is getting this treatment at school. you could ask her about that. she may also be a little hormonal. i know they start periods earlier now than we did.

also, my younger brother (11 months younger) and i fought all the time while we were growing up. while i know it drove my parents crazy, we are very close now, and we always defended eachother to outsiders. so there's hope. BUT, we do still fight sometimes. i think it's sort of part of growing up.

good luck.

This is so wierd. I have boys that are the same age. Eleven and eight. 6th grade and 3rd grade. My older son picks on his younger brother almost every day. I have tried punishing him and that didn't work. It is so bad that I have to keep them seperated in the evenings just to get a peace of mind. I think that my older son is jealous. He has a total of seven siblings. Three that are older than him and four that are younger. However he just picks on this one. The eight year old is directly under the eleven year old in age. I just thought that maybe my older ones wouldn't tolerate it and the other three youngers one or too young. Therefore he chooses the 8 yr old. It is so annoying. Please let me know if you get some help with this situation. I can truly relate.

DR

I did the same thing with my sister...I don't know why. maybe I was jealous of her, maybe I thought my parent's loved her more than me (I was adopted, she was their biological child...) I honestly could not tell you why I did the things I did to her... she has scars from me digging my nails into her arms... maybe you should like once a month (more often if possible) plan a girls day with the older one, give each girl a day a month (or so) that is just you and them, and then maybe one day a month you all go do something together...
just somethoughts, not much insight sorry...
but just to let you know... my sister and I get along great now that we are older.

H.~You many not want to hear this but there is probably something deeper than you can handle. I would suggest talking to your paster and getting a good Christian counselor for your daughter to talk things through with. It may be something she does not want to talk to you about, but you need to get a handle on it at her early age.

All siblings go through some kind of rivalry especially the closer their ages but i agree you should be concerned that its turning to violence. i would seriously consider some kind of consultation with a therapist to help her channel her anger better and help you figure out how to handle her. i just had my second and the difference between her and my oldest is the same. if you figure out what works let me know for future reference.

I have three daughters and the two oldest 10 and 9... fight all of the time!!!! It is the biggest problem in our house! Yours sound just like mine... the oldest picks on the younger one who is (MOST of the time)just minding her own business. My younger one likes to be alone and do her own thing, but the older one needs constant attention and interaction with someone else. If her sister does not want to play or hang out with her... all heck breaks loose. Sometimes I think that she is just bored. Sometimes I think she is just cruel. She knows better than anyone else what to do or say to hurt her sister and boy does she do it!! My sister (15 months apart) did the same thing to me. Like someone else said... my Dad used to MAKE us hug and kiss each other and tell each other that we loved the other. I hated that! Because I was being punished when I didn't do anything except take up for myself.
If you find out how to resolve this issue... let me know!!!

The first thing that came to mind was maybe she is being bullied by her peers at school and taking it out on her sister. She may have a need to feel superior to someone and so she picks on her younger sister. Or maybe she is trying to get your attention. Do you spend one on one time with her? Just a thought.

take care and God Bless!!
M.

H....I have 3 sons 12, 9 and 5. There is fighting among them occasionally, but it seems like your daughter is bullying the younger one. That I have not seen with my sons. I would talk to her about what might be going on at school or if she takes a bus, what might be going on there. It is typical of kids that are bullied by others to find someone they can easily bully. It makes me wonder if she is being bullied and taking it out on her sister. If your daughter does not tell you what is going on and the behavior persists I would suggest talking w/ her teacher to see what may be going on at school. Good luck to you and your daughters. Ler us know what happens.
A.