Do You Think This Is a Peculiar Situation?

My son is in 3rd grade and still does not go to anyone's home (without me) unless I really know the family. Might be weird, but I don't care, I'm keeping my kids safe. Just because another mom seems nice doesn't mean that everything is ok at home. She could have a crazy husband/boyfriend or a pervert older son, friend of son, visiting cousin, whatever! I would invite her to come over with her son or meet her with her son at a public place.

Sounds reasonable. Ask to meet at a local park or chick-fil-a and his mom can come too. I know I don't let my kids go on play dates unless I know the family, and the only way to do that is to meet. I also never drop my son off for play dates either, I'm staying. I wonder if the mom is blaming her son for saying that, when really she is the one saying it.

Saying your child is shy does not escalate the problem. Making it seem as though being shy is a bad thing, escalates the problem. My daughter is shy, and that's ok. Can't really speak for her, but in certain situations she might be afraid to go to and I wouldn't make her. The first time she went over her friend's house after school (and didn't really know the parents well, although I did) she went no problem. So sometimes she surprises me. However, I've seen her be in a classroom with a teacher for the whole year and yet at the end when she needs to ask the teacher something in front of me, she gets scared.

I agree, that if you really want to schedule something, suggest meeting somewhere with the parent. If she declines this offer, than it may be the mom that just doesn't want to do it. Or I agree, with if its boy & girl meeting, that might be the issue too. My daughter, wouldn't be to keen on meeting a boy for a playgroup.

No I don't find it peculiar. It is obviously outside of this child's comfort zone. Why read more into it? I'd just tell the mom 'maybe some other time' and leave it at that.

If you were asking for a boy to come over to play with your daughter maybe he didn't want to b/c she is a girl. They might not have wanted to tell you that.

I agree that people should never comment on the shyness of a child..esp not the parents. Makes it worse.

This is a good opportunity to get to know the family! Your kiddo is obviously interested in becoming friends w/ this boy. But maybe the boy is scared of new situations or has not had any/many playdates. Invite the mom to meet you & your kiddo at a neighborhoo park. That way her son can get to know your kiddo and he play in a familiar setting with his mom nearby. And you can get to know the mom too.

Also, bring some snacks and have your kiddo offer some to his new friend (with his mom's approval of course).

Do this a couple times and eventually he boy will feel more comfortable to meet at your house for a playdate.

Sometimes there's just no "chemistry" no matter how many times the kids play together or how many times you meet up w/ the mom, you may not "connect". No worries, it happens. Sometimes people simply don't connect. We can be friendly to all but only some become true friends. At least you & your son tried.

Good luck! :)

We started doing independent playdates in kindergarten but it may just be that this boy is more sensitive than others (may also be timid around adults or that his mom is the one with the issue). I agree with the suggestion of meeting first someplace else and then once he (and his mom) know you, shift it to your house or theirs.

Hi, C.:
Basic social skills start at home.
Are you having play dates with your daughter?
Just want to know.
D.

I think it is peculiar but not unusual when people are just trying to dodge you for whatever the reason. If her response was immediately after you asking for a playdate, then her response probably didn't come from her son but from her because she hadn't even taken the time to speak with her son about a playdate but if there was a delay or some time passed before her response then she just isn't comfortable with having a playdate. You don't mention how old your kid is which does make some difference. Smaller kids can be very clingy and attached to their parents and may not feel comfortable away from home even with a friend. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just try something else, like perhaps an outting at a local park or indoor play arena instead.

Totally misread that at first. Second grade is still pretty young to go to a friend's house by themselves for the first time. Keep to an hour or two and see if the mom or dad want to stay while they play.

It wasn't the son who didn't want to come b/c he didn't know the family, it was the mother- but that's normal. What about a playdate in neutral territory, like a park or gym center? At least until you and the other mom are more comfortable with each other. Each kid can even bring a snack to share.

Maybe she is saying she doesn't know your family or doesn't want a playdate and didn't feel comfortable saying so.

As for the shy comment I tell my children to say help but I wouldn't push for more if they weren't comfortable.

You don't need to go over to a strangers home to have basic social skills. Try meeting up at the park or McDonalds. Consider how uncomfortable this child would be at your home if he did not want to be there. As for a child being shy, I am glad to see you do not have a shy child. Recognizing how a child feels does not escalate the problem it teaches the child that you are understanding to how they feel. By forcing a child to say Hi to someone when they are shy can often make it harder on the child. You are now putting extreme pressure on them and when they are truly not able to do it they feel like they have disappointed you. Being shy is not a choice, it is part of their make-up. Many children who are shy will be quiet as adults also not because of their upbringings but because it is part of who they are.

Why not discuss meeting over at their house so that the child has a chance to get to know you in his own environment before trying to get him to your house? It seems that if he is just going to be uncomfortable there that they won't have any fun and it will just make the little boy not want to come over that much more. For all you know she has tried to take him to other playdates with little success and have found that just refusing is easier on their family.

Shy might be something they say when they don't want to go into detail about other hindrances. Friends of ours have a son with a ton of sensory issues - his latest setback was when some woman at the mall touched the brim of his hat to say he was handsome (he had an anxiety attack and still talks about it daily). When trying to arrange fun things for their son, they have most of them at home where he's most comfy and is less likely to have a breakdown. They also use the 'shy' excuse, but saying, "come to our house, C is shy".

I wouldn't think anything of it, and might be glad that its not at my house (I'm way behind on cleaning!).

Could you maybe start with a play date where the mom would come over too? Maybe you and she would enjoy some adult time together while the children play. This way the next time her son will not feel so uncomfortable with coming over without his mom.

ETA - I just saw your 'So What Happened'. I am glad it worked out!

My son is in 1st grade and has only been to 1 friends house with out me. And I went with him the first few times to get to know the family better myself. He wanted to go, but did not want to go alone, and I was fine with that, though the friend had no problem coming to our house alone. However, I am very involved in the school, so he had known me for some time. I don't think it's peculiar, but both of my children have times when they are shy in a situation, and I tell them it's fine. They feel how they feel. Maybe meet at a playarea (mcdonalds?) and break the ice for the boy and his mom? Good luck!

What about meeting at a kids indoor play area, a park, a skating rink...something public where the kids can play and get to know the parents too. Then the next time, have a visit with both at one of your houses.