Advise for Preschool Playdates

Even in high school my parents didn't just drop me off at a friends house without at least meeting the parent who would be home with us. Funny story: I went to one friends house to do homework for a project in high school and even though my parents had met my friend at another friends house were we spent a lot of time as a family they had never met this girls parents (I had known her for 4-5 years by this time) when my dad was dropping me off he asked if he could meet her parents - her mom was home and when she came out to meet my dad they realized they were distant cousins.

I agree with Mallory and Annette. For the first play date, it's perfectly reasonable to let the hosting parent know that your daughter isn't quite comfortable yet being dropped off alone for a play date at a house to which she hasn't been before. Let the other parent know this when your daughter is invited so that the play date can be scheduled for a day and time when it is convenient for the other mom to play hostess to both your daughter and you. While you're there, it's perfectly reasonable to ask about things like pets, weapons, pools, trampolines, etc. If your daughter gets comfortable and you get a good vibe from the home, you can try to leave after a half hour and see how your daughter reacts to something like "I'm going to run a few errands - you can stay here and I'll pick you up at X time" and if she balks, let her know that you'll both stay for a little while longer and then will go. If you need to stay the whole time, limit the play date to about an hour (unless things are going really well and you and the other mom have tons to talk about and time is flying).

As for subsequent play dates, I have to say that honestly, I wouldn't do too many play dates with a family in which the parent needed to stay the whole time for more than one or two visits. As Mallory said, I schedule play dates to occupy my child, not to play hostess to a mom who is not really a friend (yet). I work from home and really don't have an hour or two to carve out in the middle of my work day to chit-chat because someone is a nervous nellie. In that case, I would suggest that the nervous family host most of the time. Staying for the whole time once (maybe twice) or for a few minutes at the beginning of many play dates is totally reasonable. Expecting to stay for the whole time on a regular basis would be a total PITA.

She is getting to the age where they don't have parents stick around while they play. To be honest with you I wouldn't invite a child who's parent wanted to stick around and talk to me the whole time. My purpose of inviting a child over to play by then is to entertain and play with my child so I can do a few things. I don't want to be stuck 'hosting' another mom. If you are embaressed to let your feelings on this known just always have the other kids over to YOUR house. And say that your daughter is on a kick to only want to play at her home. Don't make a deal about it. I have known MANY kids who are like this and I never mind that I don't have to reciprocate. Although my kids would have liked the chance for the other kid to play with their toys as well they didn't care THAT much.

Maybe by 6 you will get a little more comfortable with this and she will lose her fear.

First of all, although it may feel uncomfortable to you to say you are going to stay for the playdate - at 5 years old it is perfectly normal for the parent to stay. In fact, at that age, I thought it strange when a parent didn't stay. So I would suggest you tactfully say, "She'd love to come for a playdate, but I'd also like to stay if that's all right. If that's not okay, then I'd love to have the kids come to my house for a playdate instead. " You can even throw in "I'll bring the coffee". What you'll find out from these playdates are the parents with whom you will end up having a lot in common and who you will trust in the future will welcome you. Eventually you'll have enough playdates with them when you'll get a feel for if they'll watch your child like you want, and then you and your daughter will become comfortable with her being there alone one day. For those that don't work out - you'll have different parenting styles that don't mesh, and you'll just be conveniently "busy" when all the future playdates happen. What I've found from all my kids playdates is that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - and the kids with whom my children have become great friends and buddies - those that are well-mannered, respectful, polite, good friends - are the same kids whose parents I really got along with well. So while it is awkward at first - going to those playdates and staying while your child plays is really an investment. If anyone makes you uncomfortable, you wouldn't want to leave your child with them anyway. I've also found that those parents who don't want you there are usually not looking to do what's best for their child - i.e. create a new friendship - they are more interested in getting some free time while their kid is entertained by another child. Those are the "watch out" situations because generally the parent wants to be doing something else rather than supervising their child - so the odds of the kids being on the loose, unsupervised, are a lot higher with the parents who don't want you to come over. Granted, not every situation is that way, and some people just don't have the free time to chit chat with an adult they barely know, but these years don't last forever and there will be plenty of parents who will accommodate your wanting to be there. Good luck!

sensible parents (the only kind you will feel comfortable leaving her with when it gets to that point) will totally understand that other sensible parents need to know them before leaving a child there. not only is it okay to say courteously 'she'd love to come! at her age we need to have a bit of an introductory period. would it be okay for me to come with her this time, or should we set it up at a later date?' it's something you SHOULD do. if they are snippy about it, cross them off your list.
and while you're there, feel free to inquire about whether or not they have guns in the house and if so are they in a gun safe, swimming pools, trampolines and pets that could be dangerous.
it's really okay to do this.
khairete
S.

I see nothing wrong with you going with her. If the parents don't like it then maybe that isn't the family you want her hanging around. I'm sure she will find lots of families that are fine with you coming too.Just tell them she would like you to come and then offer to bring a book or magazine if the parent has stuff they need to get done around the house.

At this age I wouldn't insist she goes alone. I am just honest with playdates, I just say I"m just the "overprotective mom" and would like to come too and try to laugh it off.that way if they feel that way then it is already out in the open.(by the way I don't think it is being overprotective to come with your kid to a strangers house) I haven't had any problems and my kids still get playdates.

I understand your position but I am with Mallory P. I don't want to have to make small talk with a mom I don't know for hours. A little while is totally fine with me though. Maybe you could say that your daughter is afraid to be left alone but you want her to get used to it. "So, could we do a 1/2 hour playdate this time where I stay so she's familiar with you and your house and then I think next time she'd be ok on her own?" That way you can get to know the mom a bit and hopefully your daughter becomes comfortable. If you don't like what you see, don't repeat the playdate. But the hosting mom knows it's a 1/2 hour thing vs hours and every time her daughter has a playdate with yours. At 5, most playdates around us are drop off.

If your daughter is being invited for the first time, it is perfectly reasonable to say, "Sally would love to play with Jane, thank you so much for inviting her. Since she has not been to your home before, Sally would be more comfortable if I stayed for a bit this first time. Is that alright with you?" It's not like you'll be staying each and every time she is invited, but the first time to a new place, ANY reasonable parent should welcome that, if not offer it when extending a first playdate invitiation. If others are dropping their kids off at your house, they must feel comfortable enough knowing you in the preschool community to get a strong enough sense for them that you are a nice person/good family. Still, I would not be shy about bringing up your staying politely.

I agree and understand your concern! It is very scary to drop off our children at peoples' homes that you do not know the parents too well. There is no set "look" regarding what a child molester looks like. A pedafile can be your next door neighbor or a parents of a child in your child's class! If you don't know the parents very well, then I would never drop off my child and then leave. It is too scary and dangerous, unfortunately. Make it a rule that if you don't know the parents very well, then you will accompany her and stay with her throughout the entire playdate. I think you should definately tell the truth (well, part of it - not the molester part!) and say that your daughter would be more comfortable if you stayed with her throughout the playdate.

I would tell the other moms that "Susie is still leery of staying alone at another house, can Mary come here this time until she's more used to the idea?"

Also, I have had no problems in the past asking potential playdate parents about things like handguns, rifles (O. kids dad is an avid hunter), etc. No O. has said anything more than "Oh--I understand! I'd ask the same thing!"

I'm with you. There is NO way that I am going to allow my child inside of a house where I do not know the family.
I would simply be honest and say that she would be happy to come if you can come with her (no need to make her look bad and say it's because of her) or tell your daughter to stick with the friends that you all feel comfortable with. Please don't be pressured and feel embarrassed for having boundaries. Nothing wrong with that for you or your child.
I think that it would say alot if the parents where not interested in spending time meeting a parent of a new friend of their child.
Probably not a big loss. I would prefer a mom that is more plugged into their child's life than that.
Best Regards,
C.

You could also do playdates at a another site - the local park, ice skating rink, etc. Then both parents would be expected to stay. And no, we don't just drop off DS (just turned 5) at the home of people we do not know. How many people keep weapons in their homes, have aggressive dogs or simply no common sense?