Divorce - Clawson,MI

If your mom is an invited guest, then she has every right to go and bring a guest of her choosing. My question is why she was invited if his family knew the situation and how uncomfortable it makes him-?! It is the fault of the brother and his wife for putting her in the guest list in spite of your dad's feelings.

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Yes, I think your Mom is being selfish....but with that being said, it's been 10 years, maybe Pops needs to try to just let it go? Easier said than done, I know.

Okay, so mom wanted the divorce and if dad didn't fight to keep the marriage going than he probably wanted out of the marriage just as much as mom did. If mom was invited to the same event as dad, dad needs to man up and act like an adult male and go to the event if he wants to and not use the excuse he won't go because his ex-wife will be there. This is his opportunity to show the ex-wife that she made a hugh mistake in divorcing him. He needs to act happy, positive, cordial and confident even if he doesn't feel that way. The more he acts happy, positive, cordial and confident the more he will start feeling that way and his days will get better and he can move on with his life and possibly meet someone that will treat him better than his ex-wife did. I hope your dad realizes that he is the one hurting himself and only he can make himself happy. Best to your dad.
V.

I've only known my niece for 11 years. I love her to PIECES, and she is very important to me. If she were ever to get married, if she invited me, DURN STRAIGHT I would be there. With hugs, and tears, and congratulations. As I said, I LOVE her. I've held her in my arms as a baby, and am watching her grow up. She's my niece by marriage.

This is your cousin's wedding she deserves to have whomever she wants to attend and everyone can check their personal drama at the door.

If I found out some of my guests were guilt tripping others into not going, I would be FURIOUS. This isn't their deal, it's mine. How dare someone else tell someone I invited that they're not welcome at MY wedding? If I didn't want someone at my wedding I wouldn't invite them.

i can understand where your dad is coming from and can also understand where your moms coming from and to be honest and not be a wench your mom has every right to go and so does your dad. Stick them on oposite sides of the place it will be all good and ask to sit with your dad not your mom.

I haven't read the other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating....I feel so sad for your dad. He sounds still so positively heart broken by her and the only outlet he seems to have for that saddness is anger at her for throwing their lives in the toilet. She really needs to be mature and respectful of his feelings and not attend the wedding. However, I think it would have been ideal for your dad's family to not have included her in the celebration (as I'm sure they knew how your dad felt).

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to suck it up and be cordial to one another for the big events, but I don't think your dad is there yet. Its funny, but I think in a similar situation where the woman was the one who was broken hearted, I think people would show more empathy towards her. But because he's a guy, its like everyone thinks he should just be able to move on. Testostorone does not = heartless. She really needs to stay home and I almost wonder if its kind of "fun" for her to know she's still causing him pain and saddness after all these years.

Yes the gracious thing would be for her to stay away. However, this is up to your cousin, she needs to be the one to make this call. Does she realize how your dad feels with your mom there? If so, why is she inviting her? Also your dad needs to pull it together for his niece. It is painful, but you have to be able to be in the same room with someone at family functions.

Hope your dad can muster up the courage to attend!

I am trying to look at this from all different perspectives....
You Dad...He needs to move on with his life and quit making himself and everyone else miserable when there are family functions. Why would he NOT go to a birthday party or a wedding....it isn't like he has to be right next to his ex the entire evening.
Your Mom...Is she close to the bride? If so...she has every right to go to this function. It sounds like the Bride WANTS her there...so why would anyone tell her not to invite her? If she isn't particularly close to the bride then, yes, I think she should graciously decline the invitation and stay home to avoid unneccessary drama. ( I had a plain clothes policemen at MY wedding because we were so afraid that my husbands nutty ex would show up and sashay down the aisle...so I KNOW drama!!!)
You...You my dear are stuck in the middle...and it isn't a nice place to be. I am sorry that this has been such an issue for so many years with your family. I think you need to just try and step away from the drama...let your Dad and Mom figure this all out for themselves...and continue to invite them BOTH to functions....if your Dad doesn't learn to get over it soon..he is going to be the one that is losing out. You can't go through life having 2 celebrations for every holiday and family event...just so they don't have to be together!! Maybe they could "trade holidays" like divorced parents with young children do...this year Mom gets Christmas and Dad gets Thanksgiving...next year...they switch. (I am saying that with a bit of sarcasm in my head but it just could be the solution!!!).

It seems weird to say "Hey honey, let's go to my ex-brother-in-law's daughter's wedding!" That seems odd to me. I hope everything works out okay. I feel bad for your dad. Good luck!!

I think your mom knows that your dad is still upset and likely doesn't care. She may be thinking, "I'm over it...why isn't he?"
When my dad's brother got remarried after my aunt passed away, my mom was more than welcome to attend the wedding. She had travelled with us as I had a 10 year old and a new baby. My mom didn't attend because she felt it wouldn't be appropriate even though my father wasn't going to be there.
Sometimes people invite you to things as a courtesy so there's no hard feelings, but it doesn't mean that you have to accept the invitation. Your mom attending things for her children or grandchildren is one thing, but this is your dad's brother. If your parents have been divorced for 10 years, how close can your mom and uncle be at this point? That's how my mom looked at it and that's why she didn't go. She bought my uncle and his new bride a beautiful card which I delivered to them.
Sometimes you have to be a bigger person and know when to step back.

That said, hopefully your dad can get over things a bit and be able to attend things. My sister's husband has parents and step parents. Making matters worse is the fact that his mom cheated on her husband with the new step dad and dad, years later, married one of mom's friends. It's VERY uncomfortable! They trade off on holidays and occasions because it's just too weird having all 4 of them in the same house. They do not get along.

I think your mom should graciously turn down the invitation and perhaps get a gift and card and let your dad have his space with his family.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

Do I think your moms being selfish....yeah. She's an adult, can take a step back, realize that it's been hard for your dad, and decline politely. BUT, there is a reason why your aunt and uncle invited your mom.
My mom left my dad, ill, after 35 years of marriage, without telling anyone for another guy. When my dad passed away, my mom came back to the house (new BF and all) and told us all she was in liver failure. She got really sick, really quick. Even though my aunts (my dads sisters) were really angry with everything, my mom was still their SIL. We had a celebration dinner, basically so my mom could say her "goodbyes," and most of the party was my dads family.
In my boyfriends family all of the "ex's" (well almost) come to all the events. All I am saying is, it's up to your aunt/uncle/cousin as to who to invite to this wedding, and obviously they want your mom to come. I would have one of them talk to your dad, get him to go. Or maybe you could all agree on your mom just attending the bridal shower, or possibly a morning after brunch. I hope you can all agree on something. Good Luck!

At first I thought that your mom was being selfish, while I still think she is being insensitive to your dad's feelings I wouldn't go so far as to call her selfish.

She was invited to this wedding and she has every right to go. I think your dad should learn to deal with his divorce. It has been 10 years and I think he's actually the "selfish" one. Skipping his own grandchildren's birthday party JUST to avoid an inconvenient situation with his ex doesn't seem fair to you and your sisters' kids.

I know it can be hard for you to see this because HE is the one who was hurt by the divorce, and your mom is the one who wanted it but you aren't helping by allowing him to continue dwelling on the issue.

Perhaps you and you sister can have a long discussion with him and help him to see that he needs to move on. He should try to find happiness for himself and act like an adult for his kids and grandchildren's sake.

As for your mom, does she try to be cordial when she sees him? Or does she make things h*** o* him? If she is going to attend the wedding just make sure she knows that it hurts your dad and ask her to try to keep the PDA with the new boyfriend to a minnimum. After 8 years I would think that everyone is used to seeing them together.

Have you asked her why she insists on going? Is it because she is close to the bride or does she just feel the need to make a pointless point? If it's because she is close to the bride then there is no issue.

I hope you can all resolve this and learn to have a good time together. All the best to your dad.

First off, let me tell you how sorry I am for you! I am 42. My parents got divorced a few years ago(5-6) and let me tell you! It probably would have been so much better if they would have divorced when we were little! They have put me in the middle about EVERYTHING! Now my brother has disowned my mom and now I am in the middle with that one! I always tell them to keep it to themselves but it doesn`t work. I now just sit there and say absolutely nothing til they get the hint they are having a total conversation with themselves! haha Any how, I feel your mom should stay away from his side of the family in situations like this! That is just plain RUDE! Your mom could simply go to the bride or her family the day before and personally hand her a nice card and tell them she will not be attending for obvious reason. Sounds like she is intentionally still trying to hurt your dad here. I`ve been there!

>>> dad's brother's daughter <<<this is your cousin? Well anyway, technically, if your uncle and aunt felt okay about inviting your mom, then she should be free to attend. I do feel that if she does she should leave boyfriend at home however. Better yet, a sensitive person would stay home too if her ex-----your dad----doesn't feel comfortable around her. To be fair, your mom shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and not live her life as an independant. It's past time for dad to move on to a new chapter of life. If he's afraid of making a scene at his neice's wedding, then he shouldn't go. But it time to move on for him.