Disappointed in My Mom as a Grandma

Your request stuck a cord with me. Let me tell you a bit about my mom, and her mom, my grandmother. My mom was/is an only child. I am the 3rd of 8 kids. While growing up, we'd get a birthday card from my grandmother and she would sign her name in it. Sometimes there would be a dollar in it. My grandmothers favorite age for her grandkids was about age 3 or 4 to age 6 or 7 (maybe). She would teach us to play 'dominos' and 'jacks' (sometimes checkers), but once we started wining the games (without her letting us win) she would stop playing with us. She would have 'treasure hunts' for us when we would come and visit her. She would have foot prints cut out of paper and taped to the floor for us to follow and to find the treat at the end. As we got older and started to get married, my grandmother only went to the wedding of the 2 who got married 1st. She did not attend any of the other weddings or receptions, or graduations from high school. She also had 'favorites', and did not go out of her way to hide it. If someone were to ask me if I liked my grandmother or not, they might be surprised for me to tell them that I love her with all my heart. She is one of my greatest heros. I look at her life, and what she had to go through and I love and acept her for the person that she was and what she was able to give and share with me.

My mom was an only child, who then got married and had 8 children, so my childhood might have been different from many others. I am married with 5 children, and I have learned from the experiance with my own grandmother, that my mom will be the grandmother that she can be. My mom LOVES being a grandmother (she has 18 with 1 on the way) and has to have a picture of all of the grandkids in her purse, but don't ask her to babysit! She travels a lot and will send a post card to the family, and maybe all it will have is an "I'm thinking of you" written on it. She is not one to call and chat a lot on the phone, and will maybe even reply to an email with "I have not read this yet, but thank you." Some people may say that I do not have a close relationship with my mom because we do not talk often, but I love her for who she is and that little bit that she is able to give and offer of herself.

This may be way off from what you are going through right now. Your request just trigured my own thoughts and feelings with my own family. I have some syblings who are upset because they don't have a 'regular' mom/grandma, and it's sad to see them missing out on what bit is offered. I'm so happy that you are enjoying your little one and ready to welcome a new little one too. They might not always show it, but they will be glad to have a happy mom. I'm sure that you will get many helpful ideas from others. I just wanted to let you know that someone is thinking of you and wishing you well.

You have an idealized image of what a grandma should be. Grandmas aren't there to take over when you want to get away. They aren't ATM's to shower money and gifts. And they don't have enormous amounts of free time. As a grandma she has to share her joy with a whole other set of grandparents, aunts and uncles. To hear that she talks about her grandson to her friends, brags about him is wonderful. The fact that you spoke on the phone as often as the two of you did is a sign of her love and devotion. Her showing up late to events when you were spending time at someone else's home when you came to visit might be an indication that maybe she wasn't comfortable in their home, that it wasn't about you. Did you ask her what was wrong or did you just make the assumption that she was being disrespectful about the time? Maybe she did send a card or gift and it wasn't delivered? If she sent it UPS or USPS, maybe it was lost or delivered to the wrong address. She might be thinking you are the most unthankful daughter because you didn't acknowledge the gift/card? Don't play games, if the card and gift are that important... then call and ask if she sent one. Forgetting to call on his birthday, it's possible she was so busy with something else in her life of equal or greater importance that she forgot. How's her health? How's your Dad's health? How are things at their house? This financial crisis has hit everyone, maybe their investments have taken a nose dive and they're coming to grips about their financial futures and they're struggling to cope with that reality. As much as your world is centered on your little boy and soon to be here daughter, realize that your Mom's world is a little bigger than just you. The fact that she calls and inquires about her grandson is totally awesome. The sad part is that you're more focused on 2 occassions than the total span of your life and your son's. You're missing out on some awesome times with your Mom and not sharing stories, pictures of your son with her is selfish and stingy on your part. As my grandfather told me about birthdays and Christmas gifts, he couldn't provide them for my kids, his great grandkids, but they had his love, his stories, his songs.... those were just two days in a whole year, there were 363 other days in the year where he could come, visit and share. Those days are just as important. To never doubt his love, devotion and pride for all his kids, grandkids and great grandkids. He had his faults, like all of us do, but that was not one of them.

My Mom lives about a mile from my home. My kids don't see her at their events as often as they'd like, but they realize that grandma has problems with night time driving and she gets so busy working in her gardens and yard that she loses track of time to get ready in time. It's grandma being grandma, but she loves them dearly. I have 2 nephews and a niece thanks to my 2 brothers. Grandma makes a point of remembering their special days and when they come to visit at her house, she is focused on them, doing things with and for them. It's because they aren't readily accessible that she makes the extra effort. We have access to her anytime, we can stop by and visit (we do), talk to her every night on the phone (check in, sanity check, health check) and we will go pick her up for extremely important events. She's getting older, her memory isn't what it use to be. But again, it doesn't diminish the love, the pride, the devotion that flows between her and all of her grandkids.

You are a very lucky young mom to have the advice, counsel, love and support of your mom. Your kids are and will continue to be loved without limits by their maternal grandma for all of her days. Treasure every moment that she's in your lives.

Hi R.,

I'm hoping that maybe I can give some perspective from a grandparent's side that might help you to understand.

I don't have any biological grandchildren. I have a step grandchild, but I don't think it would be any different if I had biological grandchildren so I'll refer to her as my grandchild.

I put everything I had into raising my children - spending all of the time I could doing things with them, teaching them things, taking them to the park, the beach, museums, the zoo, going for walks, hikes, bike rides and camping. I made sure they had a chance to explore as many extracuricular activites as possible like music lessons, sports, scouts, school trips, etc. I helped at their school and with the PTA. I worked to pay for all of their college, a foreign exchange program and any other experience I could possibly give them. They lived at home until their mid to late 20s to help them save money for a down-payment on their homes.

I now have the responsiblity of helping my elderly parents. As they have grown older they have needed more and more of my time as they have become unable to handle things for themselves.

As I watch my parents age, I realize how few years I have left. And although I love my grandchild, I want to spend time doing some things I want to do before I'm too old to do them. After 30+ years of raising children, and now with the responsibility of helping to take care of my parents, I'm tired and want to take some time for me before I die.

After so many years since my children were small, it's hard to get back into the groove of being around young kids again.

There have been lots of changes since my kids were little and frankly I'm out of the loop. I intentionally did lots of active and outdoor stuff with my kids and tried to keep them busy doing other things to prevent them from sitting around watching TV or playing video games all day.

Our grandchild doesn't want to do the things I did with my kids. She mostly wants to sit around and watch television, movies or play video games. If I try to get her out for a walk or a trip to the beach she pouts and doesn't want to participate, so I don't know what to do with her when she comes to visit except to sit around and watch TV or movies with her which just doesn't feel right to me.

None of this may fit your situation with your mom, but I hope it explains why some of the grandparents of my generation aren't living up to their children's expectations of grandparents.

Have you talked honestly with your mom about how you are feeling about your relationship? Not to accuse, but as an opportunity to share your heart with her so she can know how you feel and hopefully you can also learn what she is feeling.

Here are some things that I've learned about grandmas:
Some have a hard time accepting that they are old enough to be a grandma, or they may feel that they raised their kids and are finally free to have their own life now and are focusing on getting out and learning new skills, making a new life for themselves.

My parents raised 6 kids but found that they just didn't have the patience for the noise and chaos of young children in their "old age" after getting used to having a quiet house. My folks also suffered from their own overbearing, opinionated, meddling parents and tried to let us do things our own way and figure things out for ourselves without interfering. What I read as avoidance, they thought of as "giving us our space" as a new family.

Some grandmas refuse to change diapers but would love to take their grandchildren shopping or out on a trip when they are older.

It's still early and I hope you and your mom are able to talk openly about your feelings, understand and accept one another and be close again.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am experiencing the exact same thing. My mother only lives 30 minutes away, but she rarely sees our sons, unless I make the efforts. It got even worse when my sister had a baby and it was a girl...my mom is a lot more attentive to her.

Anyways, what I have found helps is focusing on the "grandparents" that he does have. I have many older couples that are acting as my sons grandparents and fill that emotional need.

I have also discovered that when I let go of my expectations of her, I am more appreciative of what she does do. I make the effort to include an invite and then let go of the outcome.

I am not saying it is easy, but it has help ease my anguish over her apparent indifference to her grandchildren.

One last note, I tried talking to mom about what I need from her right before the birth of our second son. In my case it only cased hard feelings and she was upset. Our relationship has never been a very open as far as discussing feelings. However, if yours is, you might try that.

Best of luck, S.

My mother has also not turned out to be the grandma I expected, in many of the same ways. My mom lives right down the street from us and she used to babysit all the time when I only had one baby. Now that I have two and they are getting older, she claims she's too old (she's 55!) and she can't keep up with them. She's always telling me how she wants a different relationship with her grandkids then she had with her grandparents (i.e, she wants to be very close to them and hopes that they will come to her with problems, etc.) But, from my perspective it seems like she is always complaining and she never has any time to spend with them. However, I hear her brag to all her friends about how much she loves being a Grandma and "Isn't is great?"

I did talk to my mom about it and it didn't really change anything. However, it did give me a little more perspective as to what she wanted out of being a Grandma. I have lowered my expectations considerably. I pretty much take what I can get. I have stopped relying on her as our first stop babysitter (I usually try to exhaust all other resources first and if I can't find anyone then I'll ask her.) I don't have any expectations about how much time she should spend with the kids. If she asks to do something with them, I certainly do whatever I can to make it happen, but I don't bend over backwards. If it works, great!! If we already have something going on, maybe some other time.

I still feel disappointed that she's not more active in their lives, but I've come to realize that whatever relationship they develop is theirs alone. They will have to make whatever they want out of it. Of course, the other grandparents live far away, but constantly call and send cards and relish whatever chances they get to watch them for a whole weekend, so I'm sure at some point they are going to notice the differences. All I can really do is try and help the kids through any issues they might have with her, but I certainly can't do anything to change her and am just trying to accept graciously what she does offer.

I've only read the last 2 posts. Perhaps this has been mentioned. My daughter wanted me to spend less time with her first child. I've read other posts to other messages on this site in which mothers said that their mother was overly involved and they didn't want all the advice.

Perhaps your mother is trying to give you your space. If you haven't invited her directly to participate try that approach. "Mom, next week is ........birthday. We're having a party and would love to have you come." Sort of thing. Or perhaps even just give her a prompt. Tell her your son is having a birthday.

I agree with the posts that suggest you talk with your mother about your feelings, what you'd like her to do as a mother/grandmother and what she would like/is able to do.

I've had the same experience. When I was pregnant with my first, my mom said she would take a week off of work and stay with us to help - remembering how overwhelming it is as a first time mother. When the time came, no mom.

I've realized that my mom can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. This doesn't change how much she loves her grandson. What is changes is that I do not expect anything from her, so that anything that happens is a pleasant surprise. Things might change as he gets older...but for now, I send pictures and email and call her so that she can enjoy being a grandmother, while my Stepmother more than fills the role for both of them.

Good luck!

Yes, I can relate. I had all these hopes and dreams when my daughter was born too and what I realize is that my mom actually has her own life. She says she wants to be part of my daughter's life, but it's only on her terms. I had hoped she would visit, come by, offer to help, set up a weekly playdate with my daughter...none of this happens so I have just accepted that she's doing what she is capable of doing. It's disappointing because one of the reasons I stayed in the town I grew up in was because I thought it would be so wonderful to raise my kids with grandparents. Unfortunately, it hasn't materialized and now I just accept that's the way it is. I find that being disappointed doesn't make my life any better. I continue to invite my mom to come over, to call and to see us, and so far it hasn't resulted in much action...she calls and says "I wish you'd stop by" and she tells my sister that she never sees my daughter, but she makes no effort to see her. It's frustrating and it has deeply hurt me, but I also know that there isn't a lot I can do. My daughter is magic and I think anyone would be lucky to be in her life. In so many ways, I think it's my mom's loss and that's unfortunate and sad, but just the way it is....hang in there and enjoy the beauty of your own kids!

R.,
Yes I have. My mom was not very close to my son, she lived a couple states away. She stated she would come see us more once he was born and it did not happen. It took a push from me even when I felt like I should of not had to do this, but I wanted my son to know his grandma.I never knew all my grandparents. After my son was born, I joined a business that has a video phone. I called her and told her I was sending her a package, to call me when she got it. It hooks up to your high speed intranet and can replace your land line. So I sent this to her and I told her how to hook it up... and then I called her. She saw my son and I every day since. She tells me thank you all the time for this gift.With the way the economy is she would not of been able to travel even if she wanted to.I hope this helped a little. It is pretty inexpensive. You can always write me back and I can give you more info.

I went through this with my mom and really most of my family. I understand your pain and disappointment. I finally had to realize that I made the decision to become a parent, my mom didn't get to decide if she was a grandma, my brother didn't decide to become an uncle etc. Once I realized this and lowered my expectations things were easier and instead of feeling hurt and disappointed I felt sad for them, for what they were missing.

However, as time went by my family started to step up and be the best grandparent, uncle that they were capable of being.

On my part, I always talked to my kids about how much they were loved by mom,brother etc. I would tell them stories about them, things they liked, what they said on the phone etc. So that they felt they knew them and had a special bond and were loved.

Hi R.,

I'm sure you have plenty of really good advice in here already and I don't have time to read through them all, but just to put in my two cents, I definitely suggest communicating with your mom about how you're feeling. Nothing will change if you don't communicate. You never know - maybe she has her reasons or doesn't realize what she's doing. Of course, maybe she's giving all she can give and you might have to accept that. But the key is definitely open and honest communication.

Best of luck to you!!

Hi,
you know thing's always seem a little funny being a new mom
and life with a beautiful baby can be a lot to take in.
what I would say to you is let your mom love him when ever she can.
So long as she is not doing anything that wil hurt
your baby or babies. If the time of day is to late for you I might say something about that. But my dare don't get to caught up in how much time she spends

just so long as she sends time. Remember your son need's you to spend the time with him,
You and dad, that's all.
It's good that your son get's to know other's around him but really he just want's love, your love, your warm arm's
so give it to him and soon he will have to share them,

So fine that love that you will need so that he can make that ajustment make some room so he know that he is loved and the new baby needs him to love her to.

Maybe it's you that need's to see your mom spend more time with your son? Maybe you might think she care's more if the time spent with him is longer, and you want her to be there with you to?

What ever the anwser is, find it with in yourself and love your mom, no matter what.
You see you might make a wrong chose and you will need your son to love you no matter what.

your mom did her job, it's your turn. If you need help ask
but don't expect, don't think just because she a grandma
she has to be there all the time or that it make's her a baby sitter? and remember when your kids grow up you can make a chose of what kind of grandma you will be, don't
juge to hard.

God be with you and your family. I pray that you will have piece. and Just love your babies take care of them.

When my only daughter was pregnant with her only son, I was deeply worried that I wouldn't be able to be a loving and involved grandmother. "Grandchild" was a pretty abstract thought for me, and my work and personal interests and needs filled my life completely, especially since I have health problems that limit my ability to breathe, sleep, or even walk as well as other people my age. How could I possibly fit a grandchild into a life that was already so full of needs, obligations and desires of my own?

Fortunately, I fell helplessly in love with my grandboy the first time I saw him in my daughter's arms, but it didn't have to turn out that way. I could have just as easily simply felt overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of fitting a helpless, needy baby into my schedule. I spend, on average, a day a week with my grandson, now three, and we have a great time together. But I recall, when my daughter was considering a second child, feeling utterly desperate that I wouldn't be able to double my availability for two - my physical resources were fully extended with one. I love the idea of cuddling another tiny one, but realistically, babies are demanding.

I'd like to mention, too, that I grew up with a considerable amount of dysfunction in my family, and have only sketchy relationships with my mom and sisters. They all have enormous expectations of who I "should" be as oldest child, and there is no way I will ever meet their perceived needs. I stay away from them as much as possible to preserve my sanity. This may not be the case with your mom, but you might look at (and talk to her about) your "ideal" of family involvement, and see how well it matches hers. It's probably not realistic to expect her to have the same "family" in her head that you do.

Blessings to you and your growing family, R.. I hope you find a way to adapt your expectations to what's actually available to you. You'll be much happier, and happy mommies are good for children.

I understand how you feel. When I was pregnant with my first my mom didn't stay at the hospital until I had her. My dad is the one who stayed all night. When my siblings all had theirs my parent's were up there all night. After I brought my little girl home I experienced post partum and my mom didn't visit much. It hurt alot! However, I came to terms that she was going through her own issues and I was selfish to have expectations. She is no longer with us today and my daughter is now 4 and now we have a son 19 months. Cherish your mother/grandma without expectations. Negative energy is alot more work than keeping it positive. Someday mom/grandma may not be around so cherish what you have because some don't even have that.
Good luck with the new addtion. I have a girl/boy and they are so different/unique and they bring smiles every day! Be positive...easier said than done! ;-)

Well Rosaa,
If your pulling away from your mom, you might as well send her your request for help or read it to her, then if she gets mad and walks away or you do, it won't be draging things out, get it over with.
Honey, talk to your mom, let her know how you are feeling and ask her what is going on in her. You might just find that she can't deal with being so far apart from 2 of the most improtant people in her life that this is the only way she can deal with the distance.
As a mother, grandmother , soon to be a great grandmother, and raising a 5 1/2 year old son, I can tell you , it is so heart breaking to let these little babies come deep within our souls and not be near to hold them and to hold you we find ways to protect ourselfs from this hurt, we don't even realize or we hide the truth of what we are doing from our own self.
Tlk to your mom, but listen to all she says, because even the littlest and something that seems unimportant at the time may hold some answers for both of you.
Good Luck
R.

We can't expect our parents to be what our idea of a grandma should be. I know it's disappointing because I had expectations about how relatives should be with my family. She probually is genuinely proud of her grandson, but is giving what she is capable of. Try to accept what she can give you and create what you need for your family in other ways (other grandparents, friends, groups, etc...).

This is not related to your question about your mom ... but I also have 2 kids 15 months apart and wanted to let you know how great this is! Depending on how they sleep the first year can be kind of hard, it takes a lot of work, but now mine are 2 and 3 and they entertain each other so well!

I'm not sure why your mom acts like she is so excited to be a grandma and then doesn't want to spend very much time with him, if you lived in the same town I might think that maybe she would be afraid that you would expect "too much" help from her, but living so far away that doesn't make sense. And to totally forget the first birthday seems strange. If you think she is acting different or strange maybe you should ask some of her other relatives or friends and see what they think, if she seems "normal" to them. Maybe she is going through a mid-life crisis realizing she is a grandma or there could be some underlying health or mental health issue (just an idea, I have no medical experience).

I agree with a lot of what has already been said...but I think the one thing that might need to be considered is the fact that she lives farther away. My mom lives close to us but is very far away from her other grandchild. It causes her a lot of pain to not be able to see him as much as she can see my daughter. People respond to pain and sadness in different ways.....my mom tries harder to stay connected to my Nephew....but it saddens her a lot to know that she can't see him more than once or twice a year. I would look at suggesting ways to stay more in contact...try email with her with photos....send videos etc....that makes my mom so happy when she gets things like that and makes her feel more a part of the every day life! Also, it is hard to figure out what a mother's role is.....so maybe it is the same for a grandmother. I would tell her that you want her to be more a part of your childs life....keep it positive and let her know how much you valued her as a mom and want your child to value her as a much as a grandma. let her know that you miss her and how important she is. Don't let it simmer and stew but also try to consider that the situation is hard for everyone. Just keep trying. If nothing else, it will make you feel satisfied that you have done everything that you can do to keep the relationship as good as it can be. Goof Luck!

dear R.,it is a shame that your mom feels thatway.i am a grandmother and great grandmother. ilove all my children very much.my children and grandchildren,and great grandchildren all live a long ways from me but we all keep in touch with each other. isend them birthday cards and little gifts all the time. ialso make new quilts for all of them when they are first born.they always enjoy hearing from me.you only have one mother and i am sure she loves all of you.but i agree with you that she should show up when she say's she will.it is important to keep in touch with family because you never know when something might happento them.i am 70 yrs.old hope this heips a little. just a grandma who loves being a grandma.

I'm a little disappointed with my Mom as well. She also lives 2 states away. Everytime I offer to pay her way up here to see us, she declines - always has an excuse. I told her it's easier, and a lot cheaper, to have her up. Airfare can be quite expensive for 3 vs. just 1, not to mention my having to travel with 2 boys by myself.
What made matters worse - I had a business trip to CA for 2 days. It was about 2 hours from her house. I told her if she'd drive up to see me, so I didn't have to spend the entire time driving after the meeting, I'd bring the kids. Nope -too much trouble I guess. I've asked her if she could come and get me if I flew into Sacramento (the nearest airport to her home) - Nope.
Needless to say, the last time she saw the kids was last April when I flew up with them and rented a car. This is just too expensive (3 of us flying and having to rent a vehicle to boot), so I don't know when she'll see the boys again. Oh well. Yeah, she brags and brags too, and shows off pictures to everyone. But when it comes to seeing them, I have to do all the work, or forget it. Anyway, I've washed my hands of it. I do what I can when I can. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
I have friends who treat us better.

Oh, R., I'm so sad for you--- you had every reason to expect your Mom to really get in there and get ''her feet wet and her hands dirty''' as a Grandma- and what SHE wants is to delight in talking about something she really isn't doing. That's sad--- but it's who she is being.

She knows. For whatever reason- that distance is what she wants. I don't like it for you - but what good would it do to make a bigger gulf between the two of you? WAs she a good Mom? --- Were to years she spent being a Mom hard years for her?? ( if so, that may be why she is being so unattached now) ---. I see nothing to gain by scolding her - and a lot to lose. That's my opinion- and I pray that there will be people in his life that are a grandma's AGE that actually treasure HIM- and being with him.

I pray that you will allow her to be who she is- perhaps she will do better as he gets older.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Wow R.! What wonderful stories and advice you have received from these amazing mommas! I think you have been assured that you are definitely not alone when it comes to your issue!

That said, one thing I have learned having a mom (and dad) 2000 miles away and desperately missing her (them) at times is that I have to be the "newscaster" for my daughter's (and my) life. It's my responsibility to update my flickr page, use Skype with them, call them with exciting news, etc. I'm also extremely fortunate that they absolutely adore her and do make the effort to come out twice a year and I travel back home twice or three times a year. My husband's parents are divorce and he does a lot of work on his end to keep them both up-to-date on our life.

I will never have the relationship with my mom "as grandma to my kids" that my brother who lives 10 minutes away from her has. They see my nephew several times a week, take him for the weekends, have Sunday dinner with them and my other brother and his wife, and know him very, very well. I'm not jealous of that though, it's just something that will always be different. I know when I moved 2000 miles away it devastated them to a certain degree, but I also know they love me so much and seeing how much I love my life out here is reassuring. I place zero expecations on them as grandparents because it's all new for them too. Still, I feel very fortunate that they do love my little girl (and her future sister) so much no matter how little they see her.

I hope you are able to feel somewhat reassured and guided to resolving your feelings.

We struggle from too MUCH grandparental involvement, so I can't speak to you from adult experience there. Doh! Sorry.

What I CAN speak to is from being a child. My dad was in the Navy and we were rarely in the same country as my grandparents. This was back when long distance calling was prohibitive, so we never spoke on the phone...and the internet hadn't been invented yet. Can you say nearly no contact whatsoever? Yet I always felt very close to them.

I saw my mum's parents once a year, during summer break. We'd come to Seattle and stay with them, anywhere from a week to 3 months. I felt loved and adored and very very close to them. Why?

Partly it's because we had our standing "summer date". I knew I was going to see them. Another, because they made such a big fuss when we got there...but the BIG reason was because they had pictures of us all over their house, and things we drew for them on the fridge and ALL THEIR FRIENDS knew all about us. They talked about us all the time. To us? No...but to their friends.

I found out as an adult that they didn't usually send presents on birthdays & xmas's (although we ALWAYS got one "from" them), what they usually did was to mail my mom a check. So did my dad's parents. And as an adult trying to send two stick horses in the mail to my neice and nephew (stick horses: 25 dollars each...shipping over 70!!!), and being the mom groaning over my son recieving a gift I had specifically said "NO" to (maybe a thousand times), I can appreciate the check-in-the-mail thing a bit more. My mum got to pick out something she approved of, and they didn't have to spend double/triple the cost of the gift in shipping.

You may feel cheated, because your Mum seems to be getting all the kudos and bragging rights without an ounce of help/work coming to you...but if she's talking up her grandbabies as much as it sounds...THEY will at least feel the effects of that, even if all you get is more time gnawing on your liver.

Why DOES it seem to work out that way so often as a mum?

This is new ground for her...and has put her in a new position. She may feel very sad that your "not her little girl" anymore and that she is now "old".
She might enjoy private time with you.Sounds like she's trying to be nice by saying "he's wonderful." I'm sure she can feel she's a what distant 2nd, 3rd whatever in your heart.
Not everyone is smitten with babies either, sounds like you use to love her.Be kind.

I wonder if we are related. My mother is exactly the same. The funny thing is we live right down the street and she still doesnt visit, she doesnt even call. She talks th talk but doesnt walk the walk. I finally came to terms with it and stopped stressing over it and just enjoyed my family. I though that maybe something had gone wrong with our relationsip as mother daughter and I kind of put out the olive branch but I got nothing so I left it alone and moved on. I have two grown children who came to eventually see through the smog and I have three younger children who love her to death and she doesnt even see what it's doing to them. So I guess my advise would be to continue to love your family and hope that it will all work it self out in the end but dont let it worry you. Congrats and best wishes

R. the miles between you & your mom could have a lot to do with the way she is give her time because when we get close to our grandkids its harder then you think for us to say byby not knowing for sure when we get to see them again I know this because I have 9 wonderful grandkids & when they come to visit I don't won't them to leave & when I go visit them I don't wont to come home & it's realy hard so give her time to ajust to being a grandma that only gets to see her grandkids on visits so many miles away.

Mom of 4 Granma of 9 wish you luck J.

I know how you feel - granted my family and I live as far as way as possible WA/FL - when I let them know - they actually told me they don't really care since they won't be apart of her life. They don't make a great effort - are happy with pictures - while they know my daughter - she doesn't know them - then of course they are mad that she doesn't hug them and likes when they visit.

There is nothing you can do to change their mind - it might be that they question their own morality. It might be that they can't be close so they won't try to be close. Take her nice compliments as a good sign - at least she's nice in that regard.

It does break your heart - but just focus on being a good mom.

Hi R.,
That does sound strange.There may be something going on in your mom's life that she hasn't shared with you yet.It probably has nothing to do with you or your son.Not too worry you but it could be anything from an illness,finances etc. Hopefully, in time you will get to know the reason for this strange behavior.Hang in there.Take care of yourself. Hopefully things will get better soon.
Take care,
Patt C.

I have the EXACT same situation, even down to the missed birthday and find my self frustrated and pulling back, just as you described. Its hard because I don't want my feelings to affect my daughter, who is 3 now.